Trans Child and Autism

[GarbledCopperpot]

Hi. So I have a quandary and looking for advice.

A while ago my DS (17 years old) declared to us that "he is a girl". Very out of the blue. No previous context except for the fact he's resisted haircuts for the past couple of years, and buys the odd pastel shade of clothing. No suggestion of trying to look, or act, in any way other than how one would expect a teenage son to act.

He has since sent us links to gendergp.com - which I understand to be a non-UK, unregulated private provider of hormones and puberty blockers and the like, and has been nudging about it ever since.

A bit of context. He is autistic. As a consequence he is not very social and I would say is socially immature. He has a small group of friends at school (now 6th form) but outside of that he does not socialise, and spends his time on his computer and mobile phone as many a teenager would. I would say he hasn't had the experiences to figure out "who he is".

I am not trans-phobic by any means - I'm in a workplace where D&I is supported - and I have worked with Trans people who have obviously already made the life decision and identify themselves as they do. However, it is my job as a parent to protect my child and, given his social situation, need to make every effort to make sure he doesn't make decisions he may later regret.

We have had a couple of conversations on this subject - we've tried to listen and be both non-confrontational and non-affirming. But what is really clear is that when we ask him to describe feeling etc he finds it very difficult.

He knows there is a very long waiting list for any gender based treatment - and thats why he's been sending links to gendergp etc - and it seems like he feels it's a "shortcut" to where he believes he wants to be - which I gather (though difficult as per conversations above) that he's more of the "whole hog" side rather than something less extreme.

I'm not going to say I don't think what he wants is what he actually wants, but at the same time I don't fully understand (or necessarily agree with) the view and it scares me: -

• It's a long and difficult journey however you look at it
• There are documented links between autism and trans feelings
• I know the number of people wanting to transition has increased exponentially in recent years, pointing to social influences and perhaps "fashion" - without wanting to downplay
• He gets sensitive to bullying - e.g. last week came home upset because someone laughed at him in town taking notes for a project. Obviously during any transition phase (and even at the end), he is going to look "different" and perpetually receive similar and worse reactions.

Despite knowing there's a long list, he hasn't gone to a GP to have an initial conversation and get "on the list". Even if he did go down the gendergp route (which I don't like for obvious reasons), that's still only going to go so far - he'll need the NHS eventually if he is diagnosed as needing further treatment - and even in the beginning for blood tests and the like.

The fact that he can't express his feelings, he doesn't realise that no-one will give him treatment if he can't articulate his feelings - there will (I assume!) be a lot of rigour!

So after that context, what I'm really asking is, what options exist for some unbiased councelling? Someone that can help talk through feelings, understand what it really means. If it's what he really needs to do, whilst I don't "get" it, ultimately I will support it. But I want to do everything I can to make sure he doesn't make an ill-informed mistake.

Thanks

@TheHamilplex the reason that people comment specifically about autism is because an unnaturally high number of trans people are autistic. The concern, therefore, is that it is their black-and-white thinking or lack of theory of mind which makes them prone to adopting a trans identity. As parents of autistic children who identify as trans, it is our job to ensure that we protect them as much as we can from potential medical harm. Hormones are not reversible treatments and can cause irreversible harm, including infertility and loss of sexual function. No parent wants that for their child and certainly not at such a young age. It is one thing for a middle-aged man, who perhaps has already been married and had children to decide to medically transition, but it is something else entirely for an adolescent or young adult to embark on this pathway – which may have gained traction as a result of these middle-aged men saying that they would pass as women if they had had medical treatment when they were teens.
The recent explosion in numbers of trans identified young people is cause for concern and suggests a social contagion similar to TikTok tics or bulimia.
I am the Mum of a trans identified young adult. If you are like my child, then I would encourage you to reach out for help. Please do not believe what you read online i.e. that exploratory therapy is conversion therapy. No registered professional nowadays practices conversion therapy, which is against the law anyway. In my opinion, it should be against the law to start medical transition without exploratory therapy. There are too many stories of regret emerging from detransitioners.

Thank you @Kalalily, I agree with all of what you say. I too have a trans identifying child on hormones since they were able to get them at age 18. My child is somewhere on the autism spectrum and this whole trans thing has thrown a grenade into our family. They’re 21 now and still strongly entrenched in the ideology and have ostracised themselves from the family. I dread to think what 3 years of hormones has done to their long term health. If you are the parent of a child at the start of this journey I would strongly suggest removing all access to the internet for a substantial period of time, and keeping true to your beliefs about them as whatever gender you believe them truly to be. I wish I had done this, it’s a bit too late for me, the damage is done.

I’m so sorry to hear your story and I pray that your young person comes back to you. We manage to maintain a connection with our 21 year old but it is hard as he is away at uni. I keep hope that he will detransition as he matures and as more detransitioners speak out. Sadly it’s too late for us to restrict internet use but that is excellent advice for anyone reading who has a trans teenager.
@strongiam ----if you ever want to talk, feel free to DM me.

Hello, since I posted there’s been some interesting developments. My DS has admitted that they have been building a trans identity that may not be true. All of their autistic friends are also, one-by-one identifying as trans.
*Their eminent physicist that my DS saw for 4 years of treatment could not give me ONE referral for counselling- claiming that they felt that most autistic teens needed to wait until their 30s to really know. They felt that there was so much social contagion that it was pretty impossible to really know.
so my DS is known by their male name and pronouns at home and by a female name and Pronouns at college… and they are happy that we have been honest and said we are holding space for change.
I have said as a feminist, it’s a weird heteronormative ideal that really says nothing about real female experience- which is rooted in the biology of being female. I have a great relationship with my DS so have been able to cover the hard ground - that plastic surgery is a facsimile of the female form. That the lovely trans person we know had an unhealthy life because their body is constantly rejecting the hormones to make them another gender. That you are not same person at 18 than you are at 28…. That the surgery is painful and involves a lifetime of medication. We say have all the feelings you want just don’t medically transition.
I think we will look back on this period of time as a terrible failing of especially vulnerable kids.