Trans Child and Autism

[GarbledCopperpot]

Hi. So I have a quandary and looking for advice.

A while ago my DS (17 years old) declared to us that "he is a girl". Very out of the blue. No previous context except for the fact he's resisted haircuts for the past couple of years, and buys the odd pastel shade of clothing. No suggestion of trying to look, or act, in any way other than how one would expect a teenage son to act.

He has since sent us links to gendergp.com - which I understand to be a non-UK, unregulated private provider of hormones and puberty blockers and the like, and has been nudging about it ever since.

A bit of context. He is autistic. As a consequence he is not very social and I would say is socially immature. He has a small group of friends at school (now 6th form) but outside of that he does not socialise, and spends his time on his computer and mobile phone as many a teenager would. I would say he hasn't had the experiences to figure out "who he is".

I am not trans-phobic by any means - I'm in a workplace where D&I is supported - and I have worked with Trans people who have obviously already made the life decision and identify themselves as they do. However, it is my job as a parent to protect my child and, given his social situation, need to make every effort to make sure he doesn't make decisions he may later regret.

We have had a couple of conversations on this subject - we've tried to listen and be both non-confrontational and non-affirming. But what is really clear is that when we ask him to describe feeling etc he finds it very difficult.

He knows there is a very long waiting list for any gender based treatment - and thats why he's been sending links to gendergp etc - and it seems like he feels it's a "shortcut" to where he believes he wants to be - which I gather (though difficult as per conversations above) that he's more of the "whole hog" side rather than something less extreme.

I'm not going to say I don't think what he wants is what he actually wants, but at the same time I don't fully understand (or necessarily agree with) the view and it scares me: -

• It's a long and difficult journey however you look at it
• There are documented links between autism and trans feelings
• I know the number of people wanting to transition has increased exponentially in recent years, pointing to social influences and perhaps "fashion" - without wanting to downplay
• He gets sensitive to bullying - e.g. last week came home upset because someone laughed at him in town taking notes for a project. Obviously during any transition phase (and even at the end), he is going to look "different" and perpetually receive similar and worse reactions.

Despite knowing there's a long list, he hasn't gone to a GP to have an initial conversation and get "on the list". Even if he did go down the gendergp route (which I don't like for obvious reasons), that's still only going to go so far - he'll need the NHS eventually if he is diagnosed as needing further treatment - and even in the beginning for blood tests and the like.

The fact that he can't express his feelings, he doesn't realise that no-one will give him treatment if he can't articulate his feelings - there will (I assume!) be a lot of rigour!

So after that context, what I'm really asking is, what options exist for some unbiased councelling? Someone that can help talk through feelings, understand what it really means. If it's what he really needs to do, whilst I don't "get" it, ultimately I will support it. But I want to do everything I can to make sure he doesn't make an ill-informed mistake.

Thanks

Really feel for you, in almost the exact same situation. I have tried to find non affirming care but many won’t see new patients because they are afraid of being sued as practicing conversion therapy.
I rang CAMHS are was treated as a transphobe - which I am not. They suggested Mermaids as a helpful charity - hardly unbiased and non affirming.
saw a psychologist about sleep and it was clear my DS has no idea who they are really - and admitted this. So I don’t have faith in CAMHS to offer unbiased care. Should he be trans I’d expect the most rigorous treatment without idealogical bias.

Just like offering an anorexic teen a weight loss plan would help them?

Changing appearance may make her feel more comfortable (I’m autistic and feel awful if I wear clothes that aren’t “me”), but allowing her to believe she is, or could be, the opposite sex, and that others will see her that way, is cruel and will not help her feel comfortable in her own skin longterm. 15 is quite a typical age for autistic teenage girls to decide they are actually boys due to puberty and the awful social expectations on teenage girls, plus she may be a lesbian and feel like she doesn’t fit in, or she could genuinely just be gender non conforming. After all gender is such a wishy washy concept that wholly relies on restrictive stereotypes.

Research has shown that even social transition can lead to full blown transition (Cass report). So it isn’t a neutral act. With my DS I wish we had not allowed it, but this was 3 years ago. We are a neurodivergent family so comfort is key 😊.
I agree that a lot of wishing to be trans is internalised homophobia as much of the trans messaging is heteronormative. My son is gay and has been in a gay relationship with our blessing for 3 years. Can’t recall the research but in later life many trans teens are something like 80% gay…
if he is trans we also would support.

We have a 10 yr old autistic son. He has long hair and when clothes shopping often will choose himself dresses.

He doesn't think he is trans and I think this is because from a very young age whenever anyone called him a girl we would just tell him they're not being mean, they just have wrong information. He doesn't find being called a girl insulting, just incorrect.

Also, since starting school whenever he has come home and said some said he had girls hair or wore girls clothes we have asked him "are you a girl?" And he would say no I'm a boy. "Are they your clothes/ is that your hair?" And he would say yes and then we would say "well then you have boys hair and wear boys clothes then yes?" And he would smile and say oh yea!

If he's a boy then his hair and clothes no matter if they are gender conforming or not must be boys because they belong to him.

My general thoughts on the subject are that autistic kinds (generally) are highly likely to be gender none conforming because they don't really care about others opinions. They tend to have logical brains which can work both in their favour but also can be used against them.

My son thinks it's stupid that only girls can wear dresses and he finds them comfortable so will happily go out in one. There's no logical reason why he can't.

I could also see though an autistic child, brought up in and around homophobic and rigid people, realising they are gay or bisexual and using their logical brain to say well if I'm a boy and I fancy boys then maybe I'm a girl? Or if I like wearing dresses then I must be a girl because daddy says only girls wear dresses.

I hope that makes sense.

If kids are brought up with the knowledge that clothes and sexual attraction don't define someone's gender I feel like there would be less of this trans nonsense.

Another one and the same boat although my child has FASD rather than autism. We are supporting him fully and stuck in a queue for counselling etc for him. If he needs to present as male, that is fine with us, whatever he needs to do. It isn't a whim, a fad or peer pressure, it's him.

Thanks for this thread. Hopefully it won't get hijacked as so many other ones do.

Are there no groups of autistic teens he can join where they are different but gender isn't particularly part of it.

I would love to join this as a regular thread.

my 13 year old child came to me probably almost 2 years ago now. I asked that we sit with the feeling before acting, and so we did. She became depressed and self harmed.

we are now at a point that she has cut her hair Very short (a non issue), dresses like a 13 year old boy (also a non issue) and is wearing a binder (I have checked and it’s not too tight or causing pain and she’s been sensible so far with not wearing it too long etc).

we are now at the point of changing her name and pronouns. Plus asking school to do the same.

in the beginning I was shocked, hurt, upset. Grieving my daughter at one point. I always thought I was live and let live, til it was my baby. It has been a very very rough 18m to get to this point. I have stressed the point that a social transition is reversible and that at any point she can return to her old pronouns etc.

our current plan is to begin new school year (9) with a male name and pronouns and we will move to calling her by these over the summer hols (also have a 5 year old I need to consider so gradual hopefully will make it easier for all).

I am constantly worrying if I am making the right decision. Her friend group is all girls and they are very girly, has carried on from primary school to nearly yr 9. Awaiting autism assessment (she definitely is IMO).

I just want her to know that she is loved and we support her through anything, it’s been almost 2 years and despite us being totally non affirming in the beginning and bullying at school she is sure she wants to make this change.

awaiting autism assessment, CAMHS therapy and children’s gender services. Feel like I’m totally winging it. She is aware hormones m, surgery or anything permanent is an adult choice and won’t be happening til she’s 18+ but God it’s going to be so hard calling her he/him and a new name.

*My general thoughts on the subject are that autistic kinds (generally) are highly likely to be gender none conforming because they don't really care about others opinions. They tend to have logical brains which can work both in their favour but also can be used against them.

My son thinks it's stupid that only girls can wear dresses and he finds them comfortable so will happily go out in one. There's no logical reason why he can't.*

Completely agree with this. My son likes what he likes - he rarely cares what anyone thinks. He's 10 and he still likes Teletubbies FFs!

The anorexia analogy just doesn’t work here as for someone anorexic, losing weight makes their dysphoria worse, rather than alleviating it.
For someone who is experiencing gender dysphoria, the dysphoria is alleviated with transition.

I wouldn’t be rushing to give my dc hormones and agree with the advice to seek therapy that is fairly neutral to allow them to explore this.

Hi, sorry to jump on an old thread, but I got here via Google as my lovely 15 yr old son told me last night that he's realised he'd prefer to be a girl. He's mildly autistic, has contamination OCD.

Did anyone find a good online therapist? How are you doing now?

Hi, I'd forgotten I'd posted on here. It's weird to read my posts back and remember where we were. Things are very different now. My DD would not engage in any therapy but we 'held it lightly' and since the autism diagnosis and getting a girlfriend, we've heard no more about being trans. In fact she's changed a lot and is very stereotypically feminine now. I'm very relieved we didn't just jump in all guns blazing either way.

I have a friend whose son had gender dysphoria diagnosed as a child but now is a gay man. It's only recently my friend has disclosed that in the past her DH was homophobic and held very rigid opinions on gender stereotypes. I'm absolutely not saying the parents of trans kids are homophobic but I think a combination of autism, the trends on social media and toxic societal expectations for both sexes can be a potent mix for vulnerable children.

If I had to do it all again, I'd do the same - try again with counselling, keep lines of communication open and 'hold it lightly'. I also think the autism diagnosis was crucial for us, suddenly she wasn't weird anymore, just autistic.

@YourLoudMauveShark I hope it all goes ok for your DC.

@Eyelashesoffire oh thank you so much for this, such a positive update! I'm a bit of a catastrophic thinker and worrier at the best of times, but your post has given me hope and reassurance. Thanks again.

My situation has also moved on but in the other direction. DC is now using female name and clothing and on waiting list for clinic. I am happy it's a long wait. DC is very very much happier as a person now though, which has been lovely.

DD also autistic started suggesting this a few years ago when her mental health was particularly bad. Actually socialising and being with friends and things improving have changed her. Luckily she is terrified of taking pills.

I’ve seen students who were all desperately unhappy then suggest they were the opposite sex (it’s always girls, the schools I’ve worked in boys just wouldn’t get away with it!).

My friends son, also unhappy, started talking about taking hormones as if it would alleviate his depression, he’s now awaiting an assessment for autism. I worry how many young people think somehow taking hormones will fix the issues in their life.

Hi all, happy to have found this thread

We recently found out our 12yo (male) had been caught up in this, he was spending more time in his room online, and not really talking to us about anything. We only found out because we went through his phone and PC and found his chatgpt and discord chats.

We sat him down and told him we knew everything, explained our concerns in detail and gently said we won't be going along with a social transition and why. Said we can't control what his mates at school call him but it wasn't going any further (teachers etc). We also implemented a few new rules:

• No chatgpt. It's now blocked at the router (it was fully affirming and also going through how to do x & y and what he could do without parental input, giving him voice training plans etc)
• VR games to be played in the family room only
• gave him the option of giving up discord completely or keeping it but logging into his account on my phone so I can see everything (he chose the latter). Also no more discord calls except to one trusted friend
• we took the lock off his door. More because we were concerned he may take things badly and self harm, but also because it allowed him to lock his door and shut himself away from us all

None of it has been framed as punishment, just safety, and he actually took it well. The day after we had a big chat I put a stop to a discord event for protogens (robot furries it seems?) And he later came and thanked me because he didn't really want to join but felt he had to, to make this online friend happy. I told him he can always use me or his dad as an excuse to avoid anything that made him uncomfortable, these kids are just desperate for friendship and get pulled into things they wouldn't necessarily choose if it wasn't introduced.

We also planned and have stuck to more family time. We bought a dinner table (previously we had all been eating on the sofa, watching our individual devices 🤦) and bought lots of different games which we play most nights. I've also told him that our home is an open house for his friends, just bring them round no need to ask, since I'd rather he was socialising irl than online.

It's going OK so far, I think we caught it early enough as there was no push back, but we'll see how the next few years go. He changed his discord name (removed the female part) without us asking or even mentioning it, it just happened on day 2

For now our plan is just to continue with more family time and encouraging him to have friends round/go to theirs, but not draw loads of attention to gender discussions.

Thanks all for your replies. It's been a stressful few days, and it feels like this is just the start. I don't think this will be a quick phase that passes. I haven't slept much, but have been busy researching. I am hoping to arrange a therapist (via links shared in this thread), fingers crossed my son will engage with them.

Thank you for making me feel less alone x

I can hear how much thought you've put into this, and how much you love your child. The fact that you're seeking advice rather than simply refusing tells me a lot about you as a parent.
I have a trans daughter. She's 16ic. So I've been where you are, asking many of these same questions.
A few thoughts.
On the difficulty expressing feelings: this is so common with autistic young people, trans or not. My daughter could tell me she was a girl long before she could explain what that meant or how it felt. Autism often means knowing something internally while struggling to translate it into language others find convincing. It doesn't necessarily mean the feeling isn't real. It might be worth finding a therapist experienced with both autism and gender, someone who can help your child explore and articulate, rather than requiring articulation as proof.
On GenderGP: I understand the instinct to avoid it. But I'd gently say that completely blocking that route while the NHS waiting list stretches to years might push your child toward more desperate options, or simply waiting in distress. Some families use GenderGP for initial steps while maintaining GP involvement for monitoring. It's not ideal, but neither is a four year wait for a struggling teenager.
On the autism link: yes, it's real. But increasingly the research suggests autistic people may simply be more likely to recognise and state clearly when something doesn't fit, rather than masking to meet expectations. It's worth holding both possibilities open.
The most important thing I've learned is that staying in the conversation matters more than controlling the outcome. Your child came to you. That's precious. Keep that door open.
What does your child say they're hoping for in the next year or so?

My dd is now 22 (I posted at the start of the thread). Dd has just started T, as she’s 22 there is nothing I can do about it other than try and support her….even if I disagree with what she’s doing. She has now officially changed her name to her male name.
I know some people say ‘it’s just a fad’ or ‘just a stage’ but for my dd it doesn’t seem that way.

Sorry to hear that @Lovemusic82 You did your best to keep her safe and healthy and you're still doing your best. My DC (other sex) has also done the name-change and hormones. Once our kids get to adulthood we can't expect to change their minds. For me at least it's mostly about keeping a relationship and being there for them. But it's hard going. I try to focus on other things in our relationship.❤

Hello, I'm so pleased to have found this thread.
Similar to others here, my now young adult son has been socially using a female name with peers for the past few years and I have been quietly observing - if you like, hoping for conversations to happen but nothing direct really. Has a trans ftm boyfriend who we have met and seems lovely.

What's concerning me recently is that i think I'm noting body changes which allude to taking hormones which does greatly worry me - such big decisions, health concerns etc especially without conversations and also living at home will become increasingly obvious. Also access to these - how, where and affordability raises big questions as on a low income right now.

Body autonomy is out of my domain at this age, only just beyond teens - but I am so concerned.

I will always support, dearly love and cherish but dont know how to navigate. So out of my depth here.

Hello @MyUsernameIsPrivate My male DC also has a (very obviously) female girlfriend who has some kind of non-standard gender identity, DC refers to her with different pronouns during the same conversation so I have no idea(!)

In the early days we did have some conversations about it but DC was already old enough to be living away from home and anyway DC gets very dug in to his own ideas so I don't think anything DH and I said really went anywhere. I use DC's chosen name and preferred pronouns in real life and with family though I feel "wrong" doing it and I suppose it makes other people think I agree with it more than I do.

I don't see there's much harm done by "waiting in distress". That's real life and in fact therapy is often about learning that it's OK to sit with discomfort instead of rushing to escape from it. But my DC is a very linear thinker, "a pill for every ill" and goes from problem to the first solution that makes sense to him and then can't / wont divert. DC went through Gender GP and trusted them, told them all his issues and his ASC diagnosis and expected them to tell him if he was "really" trans. They had a ticklist and decided that his discomfort with some aspects of hs body were enough reason to justfy hormones (and anything else he wanted, but that was all he asked for) They did insist on blood tests and monitoring. I don't know if GenderGP are still functioning, there were a lot of complaints about their service a couple of years ago and DC stopped using them.

After DC told us we also increased family contact. We had left it up to him to initiate but from then on we set up regular calls and more frequent visits. We also asked DC to find a counsellor & paid, he found one who was trained in both autism and gender and I think helped him socially without as far as I can tell influencing him much either way on transition.

I don't see it as exactly a "fad" or short term. Trans was - still is, though it's probably starting to fade - a zeitgeist and DC got caught up in it. In the 1960s it could have been hippy drug culture.

Its a blumming minefield to navigate for us parents - i feel so lost in this.

I've been reading everyone's comments as they are posted on this thread, but hadn't really known what to post, so didn't up until tonight. I really value this thread. It's so complicated, and I don't want to offend with a comment that isn't worded well etc.

To update our story, I found an online neutral therapist and my son has been participating although I'm not sure how much it's helping him. I do understand that this is a long term thing though, and it certainly isn't all about his ROGD. I hope it will help him with handling the world, his anger and emotions and such in general.

We do have a good relationship though. He's 16 soon and college beckons.