To be trying to find ways to tell my brother that his niece is queer! I really need help in finding a way that it makes it important to him.

[Wills]

I am stunningly proud and in love with my daughter so don’t get me wrong I have zero issues with her sexuality and hope she feels 100% supported (in the way that young 20+ year olds always have points to score in how as a parent you can always improve! 🤣). No my issue is that last week my middle brother came to visit our mother for the first time in 6 years. He moved to the US to marry his love just over 20 years ago. He rarely comes back - 6 years ago was for 3 days to attend our beloved godmother’s (fairy) funeral. He’s also very much on the spectrum (as are my kids, and I only mention this to say that unless something is important to him - I mean REALLY important to him - he doesn’t engage he simply doesn’t ‘see’ it and having kids like him has taught me so much. I’ve also learnt how to teach them NOT to be like this. So remembering my kids/my birthday etc went by the wayside the second he moved to the US. This is his personality and whilst it initially hurt, having had children similar to him I’ve come to terms with him and no longer resent the lack of communication etc. When, every half/decade we do come together he’s fabulous because we’re in front of him. I get this).

My issue is that my youngest brother came to see him the following evening and they got into a political discussion which horrified my youngest brother. It seems that my brother supports De Santis and believes that any mention of LBTQ+ relationships should be removed from the curriculum.

I have a single chance to tell my brother about his beautiful niece. He may well ignore it anyway. So I’m asking for help to find the best way to make him see just how stupid he is. Partially I’m doing this for him, but most of all I want to champion my gorgeous daughter (she doesn’t know her uncle’s view but she doesn’t really have any relationship with him - this is for me - I want to champion my daughter.). PS my mother has NEVER coped with my daughter’s sexuality so it’s not really surprising that my middle brother doesn’t know/understand.

Finally - it’s late! I may not answer tonight but trust me I will pickup and engage tomorrow. So I really need help! If you had the opportunity to engage with an anti trans/LBTQ+ individual (ps. I know there are more letters but I’m dyslexic and can’t do long acronyms.) WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? If you had just a single opportunity to change the way they think? How would you prioritise your statement?

Am so worried no one will look at this. It’s a really fraught conversation. Thank you ahead of time for even a small response.

Well as you only see him every six years or so why do you feel the need to tell him. Also he is entitled to his own opinion on the whole LBGT etc etc matter.

You sound performative and weird.

This

What an oddly and overly performative post.

It sounds like you have great communication with your DD and are using the term queer because that's how she identifies.

The OP hasn't once mentioned her DD's wishes in all of this, or whether she's communicated that she wants her stranger uncle to know her business.

I'm sure your DD will be immensely proud of you for championing her this way.

Again, given that the OP hasn't mentioned how the most important person in all this actually feels, how can you be sure she'd be happy to be 'championed' by her mum, let alone proud?

Interesting how many people are policing what her daughter calls herself!
You sound a great and supportive parent but agree I would just ignore him- she isn’t going to see him and he can be an ignorant dick over there with all the other idiots.

She’s a lesbian or bi, not “queer”.

And it’s absolutely not your job to tell anybody anything. This isn’t your news to share: it’s hers. And if she chooses to come out that is up to her. Not you.

Mind your own business.

Why is your Op do you call your daughter her/ she and now she/they.

Has this changed between you posting?

You clearly love your dd, but absolutely she doesn’t get to ‘put you in your place’ in regards to terms for sexuality of how she wishes to present to the world.

It sounds like she is super confused about what her sexuality is. I would back right off, let her explore and figure out herself.

You don’t need to go looking for arguments to support her. You don’t need to become a TRA to make her feel supported. And if she is making you feel you do there’s other issues going.

This!

op you sound creepy and way way overly invested

“I have always been a strong feminist and now wish to champion trans issues” 😂 man, have you got a lot to catch up on.

For some reason I keep imagining the OP as Eddie from Ab Fab 😏

We get it, you approve.

What your brother thinks or feels means diddly; it couldn't be more inconsequential.

IT is absolutely NOT your job to discuss your dd's sexuality or identity with your brother (unless she asked you to, which she hasn't).

However, totally separately from that, if my brother held such bigoted views, I would be challenging the fact he held such bigoted views. Not because I happened to have a dc who is queer (or disabled or of a racial or religious group or any other group he was against), but because I would be appalled by his views and would want to challenge them.
Do it objectively. Speak up for everyone he feels it is okay to reject, supress and hate, rather than one individual.

mumsnet is SUPER anti trans. All trans people are paedophiles in the bathroom according to here (remember like gay men used to be in the narrative)
It makes me very sad how horrible people are

😂😂😂😂

It is absolutely none of his business. Let him wallow in his ignorance. Let your daughter live her life. She does not need his or anyone’s approval. He made a choice and moved away from the family and only engages occasionally. To hell with him.

You sound enmeshed. Try to totally disconnect from her thoughts, feelings and actions. Be yourself, let her be herself.

Oh behave yourself.

can you post proof of this?

She hasn’t decided that he’s one of the people in her life who needs to know that she is a lesbian (I refuse to use the Q word, it’s utterly ridiculous and many, many LGB people are hurt by its use) so I’m struggling to understand why you think it’s your duty to disclose that information to him, unless you’re on a crusade to use her sexuality to prove to your brother that his beliefs are wrong because ‘look at my wonderful daughter; how can anything about her be bad?’ If it’s that important to spend the limited time you have with him trying to change his mind, surely ‘your niece is a lesbian’ can’t be the only rational argument you can think of to demonstrate that LG &B are equally as valid sexualities as heterosexual?

Finding out his niece is a lesbian is really, really unlikely to change his belief that sexuality/gender identity shouldn’t be brought into the classroom.

Also, your mum has already struggled with your daughter’s sexuality so you now want to potentially expose her to some horrible attitudes from her uncle as well? Why would you do that, unless she has specifically asked you to inform him on her behalf? What happens if he doesn’t change his mind but doubles down on his opinions? Do you tell him that you no longer want to spend time with him? If fighting homophobia was that important to you, why wouldn’t you tell him how abhorrent you find his beliefs and leave your child out of it. She’s not something that can be whipped out as an irrefutable piece of evidence that homophobia is wrong.

I don’t think this is about supporting your daughter. I think that this is about you trying to change your brother’s mind because you disagree with his beliefs. You’re using your daughter’s sexuality to demonstrate what a ‘good ally’ you are.

I had similar dilemma as I was concerned someone in my family would make a gay joke but wouldn't if they knew the situation as they would want to upset someone. I decided it wasn't my place to say anything so I haven't. I don't announce my sexuality to anyone and its nothing to do with anyone else.
Let your dd decide who she wants to disclose that very private info to.

Whilst there are definitely some vocal anti trans posters on MN, it's a bit silly to claim 'Mumsnet is SUPER anti trans'.

But even if it were, what would that have to do with the OP or her daughter?

I would leave it up to your daughter if and when she tells her uncle, she may even not want to at all it's her private life and she should be the one to do the telling if she wants to , not you .

Sums up the TQ/TRA movement.

Absolute bollocks. And if you ever see any comments hinting towards such a belief, you should report them immediately. Any gender critical MNetter will tell you exactly the same thing.

Your point about leaving her out of it is taken on board. The bit about polishing my hooves is seriously weird. I have 4 kids and a part -time husband/dad (no I don’t wish to develop that further) means that its me only fighting for our kids. I regularly loose perspective hence why I’ve asked Mumsnet for help. But you’re being seriously UNHELPFUL! Yes I will always seek ways to champion my kids, and YES I realise that not all my ways of doing this are reasonable. I’m a mum. It’s my job! Yes I’ve wanted to bloody well slap down my brother for his unreasonable views! But this thread was not about slapping him down, it was to ask for help it trying desperately to reach out to a loved one who is rapidly becoming bigoted. He’s not a Trump supporter, but aside from semantics he really is! This is someone I really love/adore! I started this thread to ask for help in putting together a message that I hope he will read and understand.

I completely get that he’s unlikely to get this. But please dont sway this into my daughter’s identity. She identifies as Queer. That’s her decision and no one has any right to question it!