To be trying to find ways to tell my brother that his niece is queer! I really need help in finding a way that it makes it important to him.

[Wills]

I am stunningly proud and in love with my daughter so don’t get me wrong I have zero issues with her sexuality and hope she feels 100% supported (in the way that young 20+ year olds always have points to score in how as a parent you can always improve! 🤣). No my issue is that last week my middle brother came to visit our mother for the first time in 6 years. He moved to the US to marry his love just over 20 years ago. He rarely comes back - 6 years ago was for 3 days to attend our beloved godmother’s (fairy) funeral. He’s also very much on the spectrum (as are my kids, and I only mention this to say that unless something is important to him - I mean REALLY important to him - he doesn’t engage he simply doesn’t ‘see’ it and having kids like him has taught me so much. I’ve also learnt how to teach them NOT to be like this. So remembering my kids/my birthday etc went by the wayside the second he moved to the US. This is his personality and whilst it initially hurt, having had children similar to him I’ve come to terms with him and no longer resent the lack of communication etc. When, every half/decade we do come together he’s fabulous because we’re in front of him. I get this).

My issue is that my youngest brother came to see him the following evening and they got into a political discussion which horrified my youngest brother. It seems that my brother supports De Santis and believes that any mention of LBTQ+ relationships should be removed from the curriculum.

I have a single chance to tell my brother about his beautiful niece. He may well ignore it anyway. So I’m asking for help to find the best way to make him see just how stupid he is. Partially I’m doing this for him, but most of all I want to champion my gorgeous daughter (she doesn’t know her uncle’s view but she doesn’t really have any relationship with him - this is for me - I want to champion my daughter.). PS my mother has NEVER coped with my daughter’s sexuality so it’s not really surprising that my middle brother doesn’t know/understand.

Finally - it’s late! I may not answer tonight but trust me I will pickup and engage tomorrow. So I really need help! If you had the opportunity to engage with an anti trans/LBTQ+ individual (ps. I know there are more letters but I’m dyslexic and can’t do long acronyms.) WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? If you had just a single opportunity to change the way they think? How would you prioritise your statement?

Am so worried no one will look at this. It’s a really fraught conversation. Thank you ahead of time for even a small response.

Her dd has nothing to do with him and his views.

Theres nothing to protect her from.

and outing a gay person to a homophobe (if that’s what he is, the issue in the US is particularly complex atm) is putting them in danger. Not protecting them.

Just don’t! What is there to gain by raising this at all, especially as he’s not here very often?

I have a sibling, v sheltered/no normal life/probably on the spectrum. They haven’t been told about DN because they wouldn’t understand and no point upsetting the apple cart. Sibling sees DN and it’s totally obvious to everyone else, but sibling not worldly wise at all and hasn’t copped on.

Maybe your mother has said something to him?

In love with your own daughter...weird. the rest of it also weird, who tells an almost stranger personal their adult childs information so they can champion them?

Get a job.

We Don’t know if her DD has asked Mum to tell him?

Personal should come after child's

Wouldn’t the OP have mentioned it if the daughter did?

This is pretty strange.
From what you have written, it sounds like your brother barely knows your daughter.
You do not need to tell him about her sexuality, and his reaction and trying to please him is not the be all and end all.
Back off. Let your DD tell him if he wants to.

Your daughter/ daughter’s sexuality shouldn’t be used by you to score cheap political points against your brother, because that’s what you’re doing, however you like to frame it in your head.

He doesn't need to know. And IF the daughter thinks it's important for him to know, then SHE will choose to tell him. OP, your daughter is an adult, so this is nothing to do with you.

What a strange OP, why on earth are you getting so wound up about a totally unnecessary issue

Is it normal to make such announcements to family members you have next to no relationship with never mind ones you think will be negative towards it.

Do take this the wrong way but why would anyone care?

It's weird to discuss your child's sex life with others, if he says anything homophobic you can object to that without bringing your daughter into it.

It really is her decision to speak (or not speak) about who she chooses to have intimate relationships with, not yours.

So I’m asking for help to find the best way to make him see just how stupid he is.

OMG I just noticed this bit from the OP… good luck @Wills you are totally walking into this situation like a bull in a china shop someone who has a rational take on the situation.

And?

I would have imagined op, in all the ‘I am so proud and I need to champion her’ would have also pointed out the she is heroically going into battle because her daughter asked her to.

It’s still not protecting her. That would be telling him because her dd asked her to.

He has barely any contact with the niece. Op was blissfully unaware of his stance, the dd has no idea of his views.

If he was ranting at the DD, op stepping in would be protecting her.

As it stands there’s nothing. Op is purposely provoking the situation, potentially causing her daughter more pain or harm is protecting.

It's not your information to tell.

Why on earth do you think you have the right to share her private information?

It is actually nothing to do with you or him it is a part of her she doesn't need a medal or a round of applause she is who she is it doesn't have to be a 'thing'

I assume your dd has asked you to tell her uncle. In which case, I’d just tell him factually with as little drama as possible. By the way, dd wanted me to let you know that she is (insert whichever adjective she wants to use).

Surely if he mentions anything about it to you, you just say you do realise that you're talking about your niece right?

Calm down! Jesus.

There is nothing to be gained by making a fuss of telling him.

My in laws are homophobic and my uncle is. They found out their daughter/niece are gay when we invited them to our wedding. They didn’t come, we had a great time. My uncle kicked off at the party after our sons baptism (he hadn’t come to the church but was happy to turn up for the free food and drink). We all looked at him while he ranted on then carried on having a nice time… he ran out of steam soon enough.

There is no point engaging with these people on a personal level- it’s an energy drain for you and never gets you what you want… you will just end up tired and frustrated.

I got stuck on "godmother’s (fairy) funeral"?!

She would be protecting her as he’s homophobic so he’s hardly going to say ‘great news’ is he?! The fact that she’s here asking, surely means she instinctively suspects he’s not going to like it.

I guess it depends on whether her DD wants/has asked that the Uncle be told.

the bit that bothers me the most is the assertion that OP is "in love" with her DD. what does that even mean? is that a healthy dynamic?

I’ll keep mentioning this here (mostly because I have nothing better to do atm) but it’s not being homophobic to not want 10 yo to have access to this book and those like it in the school library.

OP you are getting a hard time. You seem to mean well.

If your daughter describes herself as queer then that’s a perfectly ok thing to say (weird people think it’s not).

The big issue though is that you have not said whether your daughter wants you to do this. It is not up to you to out her. If she has asked you to tell your brother then the best way you can go about it is - I would think - very directly. Just tell him, when you are alone, that DD is gay (I think with your brother that would be a better word to use). But truly I do not get the sense your DD has asked you to do this, or even wants you to. So do please speak to her before you do anything.

My DD2 is queer. She is 19 next week. She manages all discussions about her sexuality herself. She has my unwavering support and approval. But I do not manage her identify. I think it might be best, well intentioned as you are, if you stepped back a bit.

O give it a break and stop policing someone's way of expressing their care for their daughter.