To be trying to find ways to tell my brother that his niece is queer! I really need help in finding a way that it makes it important to him.

[Wills]

I am stunningly proud and in love with my daughter so don’t get me wrong I have zero issues with her sexuality and hope she feels 100% supported (in the way that young 20+ year olds always have points to score in how as a parent you can always improve! 🤣). No my issue is that last week my middle brother came to visit our mother for the first time in 6 years. He moved to the US to marry his love just over 20 years ago. He rarely comes back - 6 years ago was for 3 days to attend our beloved godmother’s (fairy) funeral. He’s also very much on the spectrum (as are my kids, and I only mention this to say that unless something is important to him - I mean REALLY important to him - he doesn’t engage he simply doesn’t ‘see’ it and having kids like him has taught me so much. I’ve also learnt how to teach them NOT to be like this. So remembering my kids/my birthday etc went by the wayside the second he moved to the US. This is his personality and whilst it initially hurt, having had children similar to him I’ve come to terms with him and no longer resent the lack of communication etc. When, every half/decade we do come together he’s fabulous because we’re in front of him. I get this).

My issue is that my youngest brother came to see him the following evening and they got into a political discussion which horrified my youngest brother. It seems that my brother supports De Santis and believes that any mention of LBTQ+ relationships should be removed from the curriculum.

I have a single chance to tell my brother about his beautiful niece. He may well ignore it anyway. So I’m asking for help to find the best way to make him see just how stupid he is. Partially I’m doing this for him, but most of all I want to champion my gorgeous daughter (she doesn’t know her uncle’s view but she doesn’t really have any relationship with him - this is for me - I want to champion my daughter.). PS my mother has NEVER coped with my daughter’s sexuality so it’s not really surprising that my middle brother doesn’t know/understand.

Finally - it’s late! I may not answer tonight but trust me I will pickup and engage tomorrow. So I really need help! If you had the opportunity to engage with an anti trans/LBTQ+ individual (ps. I know there are more letters but I’m dyslexic and can’t do long acronyms.) WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? If you had just a single opportunity to change the way they think? How would you prioritise your statement?

Am so worried no one will look at this. It’s a really fraught conversation. Thank you ahead of time for even a small response.

It certainly reads as though you want to use your daughter’s sexuality as a teaching tool. I assume she’s keen on you to tell him? Personally I would think if he only comes over to the country once in a blue moon and otherwise doesn’t interact l, he probably wouldn’t be that interested in who your daughter sleeps with.

You had a Fairy Godmother?

If the DD had asked her mum to tell her uncle (who she has no relationship with anyway), I'm sure the OP would've mentioned it in her unnecessarily long opening post.

I want a Fairy Godmother. The closest I came was a patron saint that I’m sure rues the day they became responsible for me 🤣

What is with Mumsnet and the free-for-all harassment some people feel entitled to participate in?

What harassment are you seeing?

I don't think you need to tell him at all. If you disagree with his views and he tries to push them onto you feel free to tell him how much you disagree but this isn't your news to tell.

Why would you tell him? He doesn't know your dd, they have no relationship, he lives in a different country. Why borrow trouble and still worse expose your dd to it?

You will find it interspersed with the bad faith posts 🥱🙄

Well I haven’t seen any so that’s why I was asking. Who’s being harassing?

@Wills

she doesn’t really have any relationship with him - this is for me

leave her out if it. She doesn't have a relationship with him. SHE doesn't need this to be important to him. You have your own issues with him. Don't USE your daughter as a 'teaching moment'. Let your brother luve his life & you get on with YOURS. Yours, NOT your daughters.

anyway I have a feeling that you're just polishing your hooves, getting 'summer ready'

Your daughter is an adult. It is up to her whether she wants to disclose personal information to someone whom she has no relationship with. As you only see him very infrequently, why does he even have to know?

You don't tell him anything. She's an adult and it's nothing to do with him.

You are making a big deal out of your daughters sexuality for no reason.

To be trying to find ways to tell my brother that his niece is queer!

I don't understand, if her hair is blue will he not be able to tell from photos?

YABU to use the word queer to describe her either being a lesbian or bisexual. Also lumping trans in with LGB people is highly unreasonable.

Otherwise just tell him she’s a lesbian (or bi, whichever) and that you love her and he needs to respect that. The end.

OMG! So many people have made so many totally pertinent points. Wow! It’s made me re look at this, so thank you. You’re right! My brother has zero relations with my kids so why am I so worried?! I feel my reactions are because LBTQ+ individuals have such a hard time that I felt a need to champion her.

Equally there are many who have said/called her Lesbian. Trust me I tried to do this, but have been firmly put in my place and told that she identifies as Queer. I’ve done far too much research on this (in a desperate attempt to ensure my dd ‘felt supported’ and I can assure you that I’m no closer to understanding her perspective of her sexuality now than I was at the beginning. But, as I’m learning, that’s not the problem/issue. She/they are who they are! The good news is that I’ve stepped back. I adore her/them and giving them a defining label is no longer an issue. They do NOT consider themselves as Lesbian. This I know for sure. They consider themself as queer. I’ve really tried to understand their version of queer and it seems to change. But as a young adult why not. I’ve decided they should be free to think of themselves as whoever they wish.

But to go back to why I started the thread…. I have always been a strong feminist and now wish to champion trans issues. That my (born as) daughter is LBTQ+ means that I’ve wanted to understand/adopt her/their fight. It’s been eye opening, and I’ve learnt so much. But, as many have pointed out, this is a wasted effort fight. But to have it so close to home, as in my brother, hurts. Bigotry is blind I just feel so hurt that my beloved brother, for all his faults, can’t see how wrong he is.

Equally there are many who have said/called her Lesbian. Trust me I tried to do this, but have been firmly put in my place and told that she identifies as Queer.

She should have no problem firmly putting him in his place then if she thinks it's any of his business.

OP, try not to let your 'championing' of your daughter make it look like you're turning her into a project.

Have you spoken to her about her uncle and actually asked her views on the situation?

I honestly wouldn't waste any time or effort into this. What does his opinion matter to you or your daughter? If he asks outright you can answer honestly but AIBU in thinking it doesn't really matter? He is entitled to his opinion the same way your daughter is entitled to live her life as she wishes.

I’m sure she knows what she means.

What a weird thread.

But he doesn’t know her?

So why would she ever hear his views? She hasn’t heard them in 20 + years.

Provoking a conversation with someone who is homophobic is not protecting anyone. It’s the opposite .

It doesn’t really matter if the dd wants him told or not. Either way, op isn’t protecting her. Op is provoking the the conversation with a homophobe so she can make out she protected her.

That’s not protection.

The only way it would be protecting her is if the dd said ‘can you tell uncle x? I know he is a homophobe and I can’t deal with it’ but op admits her dd has no clue.

Why does your brother care about your daughter fancying anyone, let alone what genitals these unknown people might have?

Hello @Wills
mothers never stop protecting their kids, right?

It sounds like you have great communication with your DD and are using the term queer because that's how she identifies.

I understand you want to get through to your brother, which might be tough if he is as far gone as to support De Santis and I commend you for your courage in wanting to address this.

Given that he is on the spectrum, I would start by trying to understand the reasons behind his take on the LGBTQ issue. Once you know why he thinks what he thinks, it might be easier to find a way to frame the explanation. Just keep in mind that it might not end well because some are so attached to dichotomies that they just can't see past them.

I'm sure your DD will be immensely proud of you for championing her this way.

Hugs and good luck!

But to have it so close to home, as in my brother, hurts. But it's not close to home. He lives on another continent, you barely see him, and you didn't even know about his views on this until a third party told you about them.

Glad to see you’re taking onboard the comments here. To give perspective I was witness in a gay marriage and I agree with Desantis that sexual books and ‘lessons’ don’t belong in schools.

At the end of the day love your daughter and don’t look for injustice on her behalf around every corner.