horrible generalisations about parents of trans kids on mn

[outedbyfaircop]

my kid is trans. he is 14. I have been through the mill with him right enough, and would probably have described myself as "gender critical" a few years ago. however, I started to get uncomfortable with the level of outright hostility to trans people, people refusing to use pronouns etc - it's just not for me. I unpeaked. never discussed this with my kid or anything, and when he came out as trans, we did and are doing the whole "watchful waiting" thing while also being 100% affirming for now. I'd say more but I don't feel like this is the place.

I'm currently locked in a bit of a debate with mnhq about what is and isn't ok to say about parents of trans kids. it seems there's a lot of generalisations - we're homophobic, we subscribe to sexist rigid gender roles, we're lying to our kids, we have munchausens by proxy - and as long as it's generalised and not aimed at an individual, it's apparently allowed to stand? what other groups of people is it ok to do this to? women called Karen? parents of children with ADHD/ODD/foetal alcohol syndrome? is it ok for me to say "if you are gender critical you are raising your child to be a bigot who hates trans people"? if not why not? as long as I'm talking generally right?

I find it creates an incredibly hostile environment for parents like me. I've been around on this board under various names for a long time. I've had good advice on here, I've made RL friends. but the hostility to trans people and parents of trans kids is wearing me out. I'm not talking about being at cross purposes wrt political aims - if you think puberty blockers/hormones should be banned for under 18s, or everyone should only ever use the toilets of their sex at birth, you do you, be upfront and say that, that's fine. but people don't say that, presumably they don't dare to, so they hint and suggest and present a narrative that suggests this is what needs to happen by talking about brainwashing, or by painting trans people as either sexual predators or confused autistic lesbians. it reminds me of people who talk about 'muslim grooming gangs' when they mean 'brown people are awful' then turn round and go 'but how is that racist, islam isn't a race'. I don't want to censor anyone honestly stating their genuinely held opinions, but the constant 'eww trans people and their allies amirite' narrative goes beyond that, and isn't conducive to honest good faith debate imo.

it's exhausting to read. I'm sure I'll get jumped on and called all the bastards of the day, or talked about on the "secret" thread for slagging trans inclusive posters off on, or accused of mining for screenshots. I don't care, I wanted to get this off my chest.

Twelly
“As a teenager of course experimentation takes place - experiment is one thing but I am concerned that the current agenda allows teenagers and young people to move to a more permanent change.”

That does seem the worry.

I was reading a paper on the development of
teenage brains. Apparently it takes even up to mid twenties for the frontal lobes to finish developing. One of the functions is being able to look for long term consequences.

Another aspect mentioned was that during the teenage years there seems to be a predisposition coming from the brain to look out to peers. It mentioned this may be nature’s way of getting children to make new families away from their own.

My worry is the influence of outside pressures before the mind has had time to mature more.

I know this is a thread by/for parents of trans children. I'm in no way trying to add blame as there is non to add anywhere. Parents are doing what they can with the resources they have.
Regarding the rigid gender roles as a contributing factor... I can see why that might seems a factor- but more in the reverse where parents are affirming 4 year olds. I live in that kind of area so was constantly meeting people tripping over themselves to proudly say their son loved dolls and dresses and loads of boys going to toddler group in sparkly tutus... I did doubt whether they were as 'chosen by that child as parents liked to proudly proclaim.... it all became a bit competitive gender-neutral! Not a spiderman top in sight!.

Of all the trans kids I've met (quite a few). I'd say their families were more of the left-leaning type who themselves may partially identify queer or have lived quite cosmopolitan lives. So very educated 'middle class', not all well off... Certainly not very rigid in their views. I have definitely seen some seem overly eager to embrace their trans child on social media.
sorry but that's my experience. Thats great they're being supportive but the 'changing your mind' issue is certainly going to be harder for those kids. In the worst cases (and I mean the real minority here) this is a form of manipulation. Its what a narcissist parent would do.
But I keep coming back to this... a lot of the girls and even some of the young men (not boys) ive met are not neurotypical and would likely meet threshold for female ASC diagnosis. The Tavistock said it was 25% of recent referrals i think...so huge...and thats i presume ones who are diagnosed. Its practically impossible to get your daughter diagnosed with any neurodiverse traits as many years (locally can be up to 4 yrs) wait at CAMHS and they reject a lot of referrals. Especially if school disagree or don't see anything (schools notoriously bad at understanding ASC). Anxiety is a main symptom. That and body issues. A lot more needs to be done to understand this link as at the very least a 1/4 of referrals may need different support.

I've just read this thread, months after it was started. I have a 14 year old child who identifies as trans. We have affirmed, to the extent of using chosen pronouns, and shopping for clothes in gender identified as (female). We do not want our child to take the risks involved in medical transition. The whole thing is horribly scary (the lack of evidence available, and the failure of institutions like GIDS Tavistock to see what the outcome was over the long term for kids they approved for hormone treatment is shocking). It's also causing tremendous stress within our family (our child wants puberty blockers NOW and refuses to go to school). I came here to read this thread to see if there were parents like me on here. It seems that there are. I'll be joining a webinar on saturday 19 June run by a gender support network for parents. Parents are getting together on this in places other than Mermaids (eg Bayswater support network/group - I am not in that because I live outside the UK). Appeal in the Bell v Tavistock case is being heard on 23 June by the Court of Appeal, and this case is being observed in gender clinics all over the world. A new book by Susan and Mark Evans looks good. Sending good wishes to everyone - kids and parents - coping with this in their families.