My 3 year old wants to be a girl

[Lalallals248]

Hi!
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I would just like to chat about this with other mums! My 3 year old son has always been very girly - he's always loved unicorns, watching me do my hair, playing with make-up. His favourite films are Disney Princesses, and he enjoys dressing up in Disney Princess dresses. When he's playing with his brother, he always takes on the girl's roles. His brother is 6, and today he referred to his brother as a feminised version of his name. Let's say 3 yo is Daniel, DS1 called him Danielle. I stepped in and said 'that's not your brother's name' and DS2 said 'it is mummy, I am Danielle.' Normally, when my 3 year old takes on a girl's name, it's a character's name, so this feels different, but I don't know if his brother has just given it to him.
Anyway - my point is: how do I support him? I don't want to push him either way, I just want him to be who he feels he is - whatever that may be. Has anyone experienced something similar?

By telling him boys can love princess, wear what they want , play with what they want and still be a boy. Don’t make any toys or clothes gendered.

This is how I have been approaching it so far. He has complete freedom to wear whatever he wants, play with whatever he wants, and we don't label anything. But the name change today made me wonder whether this is enough?

Just keep doing what you’re doing, letting him play with whatever toys he wants and dress up however he wants.

Maybe change your language so that he doesn’t pick up that you think there are “girls’ roles” in children’s play.

Call him by his name unless he’s in character mode.

The vast majority of children go through this phase. It’s really nothing that warrants any change in how you parent him.

He’s 3, this is very normal. Don’t make a big deal of it, treat it the same as if he decided he was a lion, or a king aka, something he isn’t. The chances of him maintaining the same stance in 10 years is very very slim.

Kids do this, my daughter wanted to be a boy. Foot ball kit snd action men, the lot, when all the other little girls were dressed as Disney princesses. We just went with it. She’s now 23 and a perfectly feminine woman who has no desire to be male. It was because the kids in our cul de sac were boys. And she felt left out at times, she got thr “you can’t play with us as you’re a girl” from kids her age.

Really at this age they’ve no idea, they go with their influences. Don’t make a big deal of it. Or think something is behind it.

I know he's very young and lots of children go through a phase like this, I'm just confused about the name. I'll just go with calling him his feminised name today and we'll see how he feels tomorrow.

He is 3.

He doesn't know the difference between girls and boys beyond toys at that age.

Your elder son is being sexist and believes in gender stereotypes. This is what you need to tackle in your household. What has your eldest learnt and what is he teaching the younger one. And how much your own views are impacting on this. You are far too keen to be trendy and politically correct on an adult level rather than just encourage toys being toys.

Not assume your younger child needs support because they may be trans. They are age three. Three year olds are princesses, dinosaurs and dogs on Mondays, Wednesdays and days divisible by 2.

Your own sexism is shining through here too because the idea of a boy liking princesses seems to be a difficult one for you to handle.

He’s 3!! Don’t be overthinking and convincing yourself he’s a girl, he isn’t. My niece decided she was a boy, only wore blue wanted short hair, just let her crack on with it, she’s now a normal gangly lovable 14 year old who is a girl.

Just carry on like you are, let him play with what he wants but just make it clear, as I have to my girls, that there is no such things as girls things and boys things, just things!

I saw a brilliant meme once which said “is this toy for girls or boys” answer “do you use your genitals to play with it?” Then this toy is not for children...

My 5 year old boy is very similar. I go with it and allow anything as long as he’s not upsetting or hurting anyone. I think it’s good to accept your children with their thoughts and ideas and it sounds like you are doing a great job at doing that.
He told me that he was called a girls name for a while. He loves painting his nails. His favourite colour is pink and has been for 3 years. He loves pink and sparkly clothes and shoes. He enjoys princess films and tv shows.
He also told me in his past life he was a girl.
I have two other children who are into different things and I love their individual personalities.
I think it seems more acceptable for girls to wear boys clothes and be Tom boys but as a society we are still working on boys enjoying “girl” things.

I presume you're also modelling the "boys can do/be/wear anything" with your older son?

The pressure that children get to conform to stereotypes is enormous. Your older boy will likely have very fixed ideas about what's appropriate for boys and girls and will, quite innocently, push this on to your younger son. Friends at nursery will do the same, as does banal stuff like boy/girl sections in shops, differences between boy/girl colouring books - it's endless.

My friend's daughter, who has been "consistent, persistent and insistent" that she's a girl (who likes spiderman, "boys" clothes/shoes/haircut/lunchbox etc) since she could articulate the concept, is being gradually worn down by her peers' consistent, persistent and insistent belief that she is not, and cannot be a "proper girl" because of her choices. It's really sad to see.

I agree with the others, just let him play with what he wants. It's no big deal - he is three!

My DD loved Thomas the tank engine at that age but it's only society that deems trains as 'boys toys'. She was never a girly girl but still a girl nonetheless.

Don't make a big thing of it, is the main thing and call him his name as you usually would.

Do not call him the girl name. That is not who he is.
He can play with whatever he likes, wear whatever he likes and watch whatever he likes. He is still male.

I wouldn't call my eldest son sexist for believing in gender stereotypes, as he does not treat his brother as anyway inferior to him. Sadly, we still live in a world where they are around us, and where girls and boys are still split for their gender. He also says that DS2 came out with the name first.

I also avoid gender wherever possible in our home: both my boys play what with they want, and we don't have girl or boy toys. Never have. It was just the name that seemed different, because that's one of them making a conscious choice to apply gender.

I would just call him by his normal name. Youre making a big thing out of something normal. Absolutely loads of kids do this. It doesnt mean anything. As youre posting this in the lgbt section i assume youre wondering if your 3 year old toddler is trans? I think you need to chill because a child wanting to be called something else or play with toys that are traditionally stereotyped for the other sex is completely normal and common behaviour and is not associated with transgenderism in adulthood

I used to ask my family to call me a boys name totally unrelated to my name. Perfectly happy adult human female here. Don’t make a big deal of it.

My not quite three year old wants to be a dog. She crawls around woofing and frequently tries to lick me. I'm not calling her Rover.

He is three. THREE. He might be trans, he might not but at three honestly I would pay no heed to this whatsoever. Let him dress how he wants (clothes are clothes they're not 'boys' or 'girls') let him play with whatever he wants. It doesn't matter.

When he's older, old enough to have to capacity to understand what "I'm a boy but want to be a girl" actually means then you can worry about it. This is a concern for another year!

My nephew spent every possible waking hour in dresses and girls' clothes, make-up, the lot. He was adamant that he wanted to be a girl. We all knew he was gay by the age of 2. He's a grown man now, very happy, and married to a lovely bloke.

@Branleuse I'm mainly posting it here because I was speaking to a trans friend after it happened and saying and she said that the worst thing when she was younger was knowing from a young age how she felt and people not believing her/telling her it was a phase/saying no you're your boy's name, so her advice was to call him the name he chooses. So, no, I don't think he's trans - like everyone here, I thought it's just him being him, taking advantage of the fact that we don't have stereotypes and he can where/do what he wants. However, given what my friend said, I just wanted a few more opinions, and this seemed like the best place to post for that reason. I just want to do the best I can.

He is a little boy who like certain things - that’s character, the things he like just don’t happen to fit with current stereotypes. I agree that his brother is the one that needs to accept that different people like different things. Calling him a different name and encouraging him to think that he’s not a boy is not kind of his brother. The name - not a big deal, my dd was ‘Edward’ for a couple of years on and off. It just gave her scope for more different play scenarios. I would use his real name most of the time and the female version following his lead - don’t inadvertently impose it on him or make a big issue of it.

@Sittinbythetree - I phrased it wrong in my post: I heard my eldest son calling my youngest by the name, but I've spoken to them both and they've said it was DS2 who came up with it. Obviously, I have no way of confirming that.

We have also never enforced gender stereotypes in any way in our home. DS1 wears nail polish. Although he did become more "boyish" after he started school, which shows, as someone else said, the effect school can have on children's gender perceptions, he doesn't make comments on his brother's clothes/actions/behaviour in a gendered way.

[quote Lalallals248]@Branleuse I'm mainly posting it here because I was speaking to a trans friend after it happened and saying and she said that the worst thing when she was younger was knowing from a young age how she felt and people not believing her/telling her it was a phase/saying no you're your boy's name, so her advice was to call him the name he chooses. So, no, I don't think he's trans - like everyone here, I thought it's just him being him, taking advantage of the fact that we don't have stereotypes and he can where/do what he wants. However, given what my friend said, I just wanted a few more opinions, and this seemed like the best place to post for that reason. I just want to do the best I can.[/quote]
I assume your friend has no knowledge of child development whatsoever then? FFS. Your kids got a good imagination and role plays . Like most three year olds. So what.

I don't know any teenagers who insist they're a cat/dog/dragon/bear despite the majority spending months doing just that when they were three.

This is an interesting discussion because if I have understood correctly, the real issue here is the name, not any inherent, existential worry about sexuality/gender. A name is personal and a lot of value is placed on a chosen name. The giving of names is fraught with its own complexity in that it assumes a certain autonomy (and often gendering) on the part of the parents. This is tricky and with my own baby on the way and looking about 'girls names' it really makes you think twice.

In this case I would say that if he is happy to go along with the name 'Danielle' (its equivalent), then use that name for now. In all probability, as others have said, he will soon grow tired of it, just as many children adopt a new play-identity for a day or even a few hours, perhaps longer. That new identity does not replace the identity and name they have grown into, not until they are old enough to decide for themselves that they want to redefine it. And that age I would argue is not 3!

He’s 3! Some 3 year olds decide they want to be a dog all day and ask to be called by their “dog name”. Or a unicorn. Or a superhero. Your DS has decided he wants to be a girl and has asked to be called by a girl name. It’s using his imagination, just like it would be if he wanted to be a dog.

As PP have said the thing to do is be fine with it, keep up the message that boys and girls can play with/wear/be called whatever they like, and not overthink it.

@BabaD Thank you! Yes! Exactly! The issue is not a worry about his gender/sexuality or anything like that - it is whether I allow him to use the name he has chosen, or whether this will inadvertently 'push' him into assimilating with a gender construction that he's only going through a phase of wanting to be part of.

Lala - your older son will be getting his ideas about stereotypes from school, unfortunately. He’s just at the age where they really think things like ‘girls can’t play football’ other boys will be copying the phrases they hear at home too - and they may well be sexist.