My 3 year old wants to be a girl

[Lalallals248]

Hi!
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I would just like to chat about this with other mums! My 3 year old son has always been very girly - he's always loved unicorns, watching me do my hair, playing with make-up. His favourite films are Disney Princesses, and he enjoys dressing up in Disney Princess dresses. When he's playing with his brother, he always takes on the girl's roles. His brother is 6, and today he referred to his brother as a feminised version of his name. Let's say 3 yo is Daniel, DS1 called him Danielle. I stepped in and said 'that's not your brother's name' and DS2 said 'it is mummy, I am Danielle.' Normally, when my 3 year old takes on a girl's name, it's a character's name, so this feels different, but I don't know if his brother has just given it to him.
Anyway - my point is: how do I support him? I don't want to push him either way, I just want him to be who he feels he is - whatever that may be. Has anyone experienced something similar?

I am the parent of a trans child.

3 is by far too young to do anything like changing names.

Encourage choice of toys, clothes and hair, and build up his confidence/give him phrases to use so they can cope with any potential comments from people should he get any bother about not conforming to gender stereotypes.

There are loads of kids books with all different characters in them, which are good to have anyway, so he can see there are all kinds of people in the world.

Other than that just wait, for a long time, years.

OP I was a "tom boy" and rejected anything feminine for my early years. I've since then always been very stereotypically "girly" and still would fit that description as a grown woman.

Please just listen to the posters and your own knowledge of such a young child and realise it is to young to let your child have authority over this decision.

As long as you are open to him and explain nicely rather than shut him down then if he does come out in the future I don't see how it is a problem. Why would anyone hold it against you that you didn't let them rename themselves at 3??

He is 3. He is not old enough to make that decision.

I know this will get deleted but is anyone suspicious of this thread given all the attention on SM mumsnet and the associated trans issues have received recently?

OP - SORRY. I can see you are a long time poster

My 4 year old currently wants to be a cat (actually a female cat and he is a male child)

It's just a bit of fun, he refers to himself as the female cat name and crawls on the floor.

Honestly, your child is 3 its just experimenting. The important thing is to reinforce that boys can wear and play with anything

My (now) eleven year old, Minecraft obsessed, very boyish boy went through a phase like this too. We gave him room to play - he used to go to school in in his Frozen princess dress for a while.

Let him play.

Not to minimise the challenges around this, but at this exact age my brother decided he was a dog, he’s wearing his dalmation suit in every single photo from that time, refused to answer anyone who didn’t call him his dog name, played only doggy games etc. This lasted at least a couple of months, it wasn’t just a few days. I’d keep calm and carry on and not read too much into it.

My DN was a cat for a year , a very good one too . Thirty years on she's a beautiful female human.

It’s not a big deal and it’s important you don’t read too much into normal developmental play. He’s experimenting with role play. I spent most of my childhood pretending to be a horse. Biologically I could never be a horse but I had fun imitating horses.

The name thing is just play. Stop reading meaning into something which has no meaning. Kids play with ideas. Please avoid forming his 3 year old identity according to your own adult interpretation

[quote Lalallals248]@Branleuse I'm mainly posting it here because I was speaking to a trans friend after it happened and saying and she said that the worst thing when she was younger was knowing from a young age how she felt and people not believing her/telling her it was a phase/saying no you're your boy's name, so her advice was to call him the name he chooses. So, no, I don't think he's trans - like everyone here, I thought it's just him being him, taking advantage of the fact that we don't have stereotypes and he can where/do what he wants. However, given what my friend said, I just wanted a few more opinions, and this seemed like the best place to post for that reason. I just want to do the best I can.[/quote]
I mean this in the gentlest possible way with no disrespect to your friend, but if you read up on some interviews with adult trans people about their childhoods, almost always one thing shines through. That is growing up in an environment with heavily gendered expectations from their primary care givers; often with cruel punishments for liking things associated with the opposite sex.

Your children are young. You have the choice to show them how important or not gendered stereotypes are to your family. Yes the world outside is awash with gendered stereotypes. But it's also awash with junk food and meat and violence on TV - all things I choose to avoid for my family. Neither of my children conform to gender stereotypes and the eldest has faced some difficulties because of this. However he's growing up confident, happy, healthy and accepted for who he is - a flamboyant, slightly feminine young man.

Your adult trans friend certainly shouldn't face any stigma. But neither do they necessarily need to be the blueprint for your own children's upbringing. Might their childhood pain have been alleviated if their parents had just accepted them? Just let your children be themselves, however different and bonkers that is. Gendered stereotypes may be ubiquitous but they are harmful.

To be fair regarding the name my DS wanted to be called Genghis when he was 3. He hasn't gone on to become a warlord!
And he is 5 now and can't remember it.

No trying to be obtuse - just put things into perspective

My DS calls himself Grace every so often, he's also a princess dress-wearer, pink trainers, hair bobbles, necklaces, plays in the home corner with the dolls etc. He's now 5 and has been this way for a few years.

I see my job as a parent as helping him to understand that the things he likes to play with and wear will never fundamentally change who he is as a person. I hope that whatever happens when he is an older child or adult, he accepts and loves himself for who he is. I am worried he'll come under pressure as he gets older and is told that the things he likes are girls things therefore he must be a girl, so I'm trying my best to combat that now.

Hello there. I've got a DD who insisted on being called Max for a while when she was about four and pretending she was in charge of a building site. She's 13 now, cringes at the memory and wants me never to tell her boyfriend about it.

I have a DS12 who used to wear all his DDs Princess outfits and steal my sparkly body powder. He'd come out of the bathroom naked sparkling like a bag of jewels and begging me to spray my perfumes in the air. He doesn't dance around naked and sparkling anymore and he doesn't wear the princess outfits, but he does still love scents and his bedroom is a constant cloud of designer fragrances and incense.

I have a DS5 that is just enjoying his childhood. His favourite colour is pink and his favourite toy is his Snowy pokemon and Elsa (they go on missions together)

Just let kids be. Let them play, let them discover, let them be. You don't need to support a three year old through a transition.

I think this is perfectly normal for young children. My ds was like this around age 2-3, used to dress up in his sister's princess/fairy-type clothes and we used to have to call him a girl nickname. I was a boy for a while as a child and my niece was a horse. What kind of knowledge does a small child have to draw on to tell them what being a girl or boy (or human) is about? It seems logical (and actually quite nice) that they can see a costume or character or animal and just think "I like that, so I'm going to try being them and see what it's like".

Honestly op. It’s likely in six months he will want to be a cat. He’s three. You’re reading far too much into this. Call him is real name.

Honestly you’re over thinking it. He’s a three year old. Where is he getting all thr dresses and girls toys to play with, does he have a sister?

In my limited experience of this age group half of them want to be dogs. He’s 3 for goodness sake.

The main thing I wanted was to know whether to use the name or not, or whether this would be thinking too much of it, or pushing him into something.

Just use his real name and then every now and then he may say "but I'm Danielle" then you just say 'oh sorry Danielle/Rover/Tinkerbelle' whatever he says his name is that week.

I don't get why we have to put our children into Box Boys or Box Girls. Fgs they're all individuals just let them play/pretend/grow, they can be anything they want to be. Don't try and set their path for life at the age of three.

Goady thread

It shows how easily children are influenced, his brother calls him Danielle (i know thats not the real name) now he says it's his name. Just keep doing what you are doing, only a tiny number of people are trans, if you just allow him to be himself and if he grows up with gender disphoria it won't be because of anything you have or haven't done.

My brother and I (twins) were forever dressing in each other’s clothes, playing with each other’s toys and role playing. This meant we played with/wore “girly” and “boy” stuff. I used to call him my sister sometimes and used a feminised version of his name.

As adults, I am very girly and he’s definitely a guy. We’re both straight. Children are just playing.

I am a Reception teacher and boys quite often dress like princesses. I wouldn’t take this seriously.

My two year old plays with my make up and brushes his hair because I’m his main carer and he’s modelling my behaviours.

Just carry on as you are and think no more about it.

Is just like to point out that it's a bit of a myth that social transitioning is easily dialled back from once embarked on.its not a light touch approach it's quite a major thing. It's been portrayed as a safe option compared to puberty blockers etc. And while it does not harm childrens bodies research has shown that once children have changed name and clothing etc at school they find difficult to change back if they waver.
Best to keep using his boy name for the time being and keep dressing up for play.
As for your friend, its very unusual to remember things from the age of two or three in any detail and I'm sure you're a more sympathetic parent than hers were. Don't rely on anecdotal evidence!

As far as the name thing - is their a unisex shortening eg Danny fir Daniel/Danielle? Would be an easy solution which shows you are listening but not encouraging

Ps my dd had a Spider-Man costume at 3, how is that different to a boy wanting to be a princess?