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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

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Original poster

My 3 year old wants to be a girl

133 replies

Lalallals248 · 04/03/2021 10:37

Hi!
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I would just like to chat about this with other mums! My 3 year old son has always been very girly - he's always loved unicorns, watching me do my hair, playing with make-up. His favourite films are Disney Princesses, and he enjoys dressing up in Disney Princess dresses. When he's playing with his brother, he always takes on the girl's roles. His brother is 6, and today he referred to his brother as a feminised version of his name. Let's say 3 yo is Daniel, DS1 called him Danielle. I stepped in and said 'that's not your brother's name' and DS2 said 'it is mummy, I am Danielle.' Normally, when my 3 year old takes on a girl's name, it's a character's name, so this feels different, but I don't know if his brother has just given it to him.
Anyway - my point is: how do I support him? I don't want to push him either way, I just want him to be who he feels he is - whatever that may be. Has anyone experienced something similar?

OP posts:

CovidKingfisher · 04/03/2021 11:30

I heard my eldest son calling my youngest by the name, but I've spoken to them both and they've said it was DS2 who came up with it. Obviously, I have no way of confirming that.

Don't be asking them who came up with it!!!! You're making too much of it!!! Don't make it into a big deal when it isn't.

He is three, if he was 13 then I'd say you need to talk about it and find out more, but at the moment just enjoy him being whoever he wants to be.

hiredandsqueak · 04/03/2021 11:31

My dd was a dog at 3, we called her Bonzo and she would drink out of a cup on the floor and I baked her bone shaped biscuits occasionally as a treat. She's not a dog anymore, I'd take the same approach with your son and not get worked up about it.

UhtredRagnarson · 04/03/2021 11:32

I don’t know why this is posted in the LGBT forum. It’s an everyday parenting issue.

BelleSausage · 04/03/2021 11:34

Let him be who he wants to be. It’s either a phase or he’ll persist and be a gender non-conforming man.

As I was just explaining to my students- gender stereotypes are bullshit cliches. In real life people don’t fit into narrow boxes.

Munkeenut · 04/03/2021 11:34

@hiredandsqueak

I love your commitment to this!

I used to want to be a cat. Sometimes I think sleeping 18 hours a day wouldn't be a bad life but I definitely don't want my bum on display all the time so it worked out for the best.

isthismylifenow · 04/03/2021 11:39

It is quite normal OP. I think you should continue using his normal name, if i read it correctly, his brother called him the feminized name.

At that age dd wanted to be a boy just like her brother. She is a very girly 18 year old now.

Don't make a thing of it.

hiredandsqueak · 04/03/2021 11:42

@Munkeenut I used to love the smile it brought being given a bone shaped biscuit. They are small for such a short while I think it's worth a bit of silliness to make their day sometimes. Dd remains mad about dogs and we have a little rescue dog that she idolises now.

isthismylifenow · 04/03/2021 11:44

My dd also changed her name a fair few times. She had to have a gmail address for something or other for school when she was younger, and that is the name she used. She hasn't changed it since then and still just uses it, it just isn't a big deal at all.

One day she announced coming out of nursery that her name was now Sparkles. I think it lasted a day or two.

isthismylifenow · 04/03/2021 11:46

[quote hiredandsqueak]@Munkeenut I used to love the smile it brought being given a bone shaped biscuit. They are small for such a short while I think it's worth a bit of silliness to make their day sometimes. Dd remains mad about dogs and we have a little rescue dog that she idolises now.[/quote]
Love this.

My ds used to bark as well. He was called Good Boy.

I completely forgot about some of these until this thread.

Hadalifeonce · 04/03/2021 11:47

If you are worried about the name thing why not call him Danny? Then it's neutral.

clpsmum · 04/03/2021 11:51

Exactly what @MyDcAreMarvel said

jerriblank · 04/03/2021 11:54

He's 3. I was a nanny for a little boy who wanted to be a princess, and then said he was a little girl. He only said this because his brother told him that only girls could be princesses, so in his mind the only way to be a princess was to be a girl. About 2 weeks later it was all forgotten. Clothes, toys, professions etc., can be for both sexes, so let them know. Don't worry about this, it's just a child being a child.

Branleuse · 04/03/2021 11:56

I would take what your trans friend says with a pinch of salt OP. They shouldnt be freaking you out like that. In fact "watch and wait" is best practice even if the child actually said they were trans, which of course they wouldnt at 3.
I would allow the kid to wear dresses or play with dolls etc if they wanted, so I wouldnt discourage it nor encourage it. When I ran a toddler group it was clear that kids of both sexes liked dressing in all sorts of things, and played with all sorts of toys if given the opportunity to. Its society that assigns meaning to it. So what if a little boy likes sparkles and glittter. So what if a little girl loves joggers and playing with trucks. Your childs identity is not formed at 3, thank goodness x

Ploughingthrough · 04/03/2021 11:58

My DC went through some whacky phases tbh. When DD was 3 she decided she wanted to be Chinese for a while and insisted we called her by her Chinese name (We lived in Asia and every one of her friends was Chinese, so it made sense to pre-school her). She also wanted to be a dog for a while and barked for about a month, it was super annoying.

DS went through the girl thing, spent a year in a tutu with painted nails at 2-3 and told everyone he was a girl. We just let him get on with it tbh he was so little. We told him he could dress however he liked but he was still a boy.

Several years later and DD is fine about being neither Chinese or a dog, and DS is a perfectly at ease boy. It is quite likely to be a little phase and having been in your shoes, I would just let your DS get on with it and he'll be onto something else before long.

sarahsmile501 · 04/03/2021 11:59

My son did the same thing turns out he has high functioning autism and a very good imagination we just let him do his thing and eventually he was done with it but I think the reason men feel the need to change gender is because society has stripped them of feeling comfortable embracing anything that isn't strictly male culture

Nowayhozay · 04/03/2021 12:00

My own ds has from a similar age always enjoyed everything "girly"
He has always had a preference for girls clothes although would happily play with all toys be they aimed at girls or boys.

He would dress up in his sisters clothes at any opportunity, we have never seen this as a problem within the family and have always given the freedom to express himself.

He is in his teens now and spends more and more time in "girl mode" during these lockdown periods it has at times been weeks on end.

Over the years he built up a small wardrobe of clothes, things we have bought him and hand me downs.

He is a very popular well rounded teenager and seems very happy.

He has never said that he wants to be a girl though, it seems to be just a preference for the clothes etc.

I agree with the other posters 3 is a very young age and its likely this is just play, all you can do is watch how he develops. If he grows out of it then great if not then he will need your support but I really would not over think this just yet.

Ploughingthrough · 04/03/2021 12:02

As for the name op, I'd stick to his own.

Original poster

Lalallals248 · 04/03/2021 12:03

@UhtredRagnarson a friend of mine said they knew they wanted to be a trans from the age of around 2 and I should use my son's new name. With that in mind, I think I was hoping for some trans parents/individuals to say whether their thoughts aligned with my friend's.

With asking about the name, I didn't make it into a 'oh! who came up with that?! I need to know' I just said 'that's a pretty name. Who thought of that?'

OP posts:

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 04/03/2021 12:04

@hiredandsqueak

My four year old is currently a cat called rainbow kitty. She has been on and off for most of the year. She’ll grown out of it, it’s just play.

Abraxan · 04/03/2021 12:04

I am not sure I'd be concerned re the name. I'd still use his real name.
I doubt a 3y knows that Danielle is a 'girls' name and Daniel is a 'boys' name tbh - someone older must age told him. It's not like Danielle is a commonly used name at the moment either.

I wouldn't do anything about it.

It is totally normal for children of both sexes to play with all toys and take in different roles. I work in infants and it is extremely common to see the little boys dressed up in princess dresses, etc. Just as it is normal to see little girls dressed up in male-inspired superhero costumes.

I would avoid all talk of girl's toys and boy's toys, girl's clothes and boy's clothes, etc.

Hangingover · 04/03/2021 12:08

I tried to insist on a boy's name for about a year when I was about eight. My Mum occasionally called me it in a jokey way but never really entertained it. I blame the Famous Five.

UhtredRagnarson · 04/03/2021 12:09

a friend of mine said they knew they wanted to be a trans from the age of around 2 and I should use my son's new name.

Take everything this friend says with a large pinch of salt.

PearlescentIridescent · 04/03/2021 12:10

Meh. My 3 year old son plays as princess anna while my dd plays princess elsa. My kids are told whenever anything vaguely like this comes up that when they're old enough they can decide what to wear/be called/do with their hair.

A 3 year old's view should be taken into account and validated but no need to take their assertions that their name is x seriously. I hear "no mummy I'm spiderman/Anna/Pinky Pie" a hundred times a day.

I admire your sensitivity to the fact your child could be trans. I wouldn't get too set on it or give too much credence to anything they say at such a young and imaginitive age though.

Keep an open and honest and age appropriate dialogue open with your child and be mindful of visibility as they grow so they know that if they are trans or anything they know it's not something unique to them that they need to worry about.

Original poster

Lalallals248 · 04/03/2021 12:14

His name isn't Danielle - I just used it rather than give his real name. It's his name, but feminised. Not Danielle.

The main thing I wanted was to know whether to use the name or not, or whether this would be thinking too much of it, or pushing him into something.

Our house is non-gendered in as much as it can be; my children are encouraged to do/wear/play with whatever they want, and they do. DS2 has worn dresses since the age of 2, played with 'girl's' toys. We have never taken this to mean anything other than our sons are not constrained by gender.

Today was just different with the name and when I mentioned it to a trans friend who always ask him, they said that changing their name was a defining moment for them, and it came at an early age. My worry with using his name choice is that it'll push him towards equating himself with a female gender if he's actually only going through a phase. However, as you have said, there's no harm coming from it if it is a phase, so I will just use the name he wants to use, with no gender strings attached, until he tells me differently.

DS1 has not been in school for a very long time due to Covid and hasn't got strong ideas about gender, although obviously he has been influenced to some definite extent.

OP posts:

Wellysock · 04/03/2021 12:15

For all the (two) people that said they knew they were trans from such a young age, how many toddlers are there that also wanted to be a cat/tree/other sex that didn't end up continuing with that belief?

My 5yo wants to be a dog. She has a dog name. She also wants to be a boy, and she has imaginary friends, and imaginary pets. She's having fun and we make games out of it. It really won't damage her long term if I 'believe' in her games now or not.

Kids are kids, it's just fun. If he still feels the same when he's older then so be it, but there's probably a larger chance he won't feel that way and I would suggest that you're making a far bigger deal out of this than you need to.

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