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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

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Original poster

My 3 year old wants to be a girl

133 replies

Lalallals248 · 04/03/2021 10:37

Hi!
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I would just like to chat about this with other mums! My 3 year old son has always been very girly - he's always loved unicorns, watching me do my hair, playing with make-up. His favourite films are Disney Princesses, and he enjoys dressing up in Disney Princess dresses. When he's playing with his brother, he always takes on the girl's roles. His brother is 6, and today he referred to his brother as a feminised version of his name. Let's say 3 yo is Daniel, DS1 called him Danielle. I stepped in and said 'that's not your brother's name' and DS2 said 'it is mummy, I am Danielle.' Normally, when my 3 year old takes on a girl's name, it's a character's name, so this feels different, but I don't know if his brother has just given it to him.
Anyway - my point is: how do I support him? I don't want to push him either way, I just want him to be who he feels he is - whatever that may be. Has anyone experienced something similar?

OP posts:

Liquorishtoffee · 04/03/2021 17:31

DS was a dog at that age. A police dog to be exact.

IFoundMyselfInThisBar · 04/03/2021 17:31

Mumsnet is predominantly anti trans.

I don’t think so. There’s certainly lots of gender critical posters on here but that’s a good thing in my opinion. Gender stereotypes make little boys think they are in some way wrong if they like dolls and pink things, and little girls feel like they are in some way wrong if they like football and blue things. If we didn’t make certain things ‘for boys’ or ‘for girl’, kids could just be kids who like what they like...but still boys or girls defined by their sex.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 04/03/2021 17:34

Mumsnet is predominantly anti trans.

I agree with this to a certain extent, however I think the concerns about a 3 year old potentially being pushed down a lifelong path of medication and operations because they do something the majority of 3 year old do are pretty valid.

If someone is truly trans its a path that lasts a lifetime, there is no hurry to make decisions, especially at such a young age.

VettiyaIruken · 04/03/2021 17:38

He's 3. They want to be all sorts at that age.

Don't start transing a toddler. See it as the imaginative play it actually is. Get a range of dress up costumes and let him just be a child.

My son went through similar. He lived in a frilly dress and loved make up. Lasted ages.

Then he decided he wanted to be a dog. Cue what seemed like years of barking.

I was so happy when he started to play fishes I could have thrown a party.

RedToothBrush · 04/03/2021 19:11

[quote Lalallals248]@Branleuse I'm mainly posting it here because I was speaking to a trans friend after it happened and saying and she said that the worst thing when she was younger was knowing from a young age how she felt and people not believing her/telling her it was a phase/saying no you're your boy's name, so her advice was to call him the name he chooses. So, no, I don't think he's trans - like everyone here, I thought it's just him being him, taking advantage of the fact that we don't have stereotypes and he can where/do what he wants. However, given what my friend said, I just wanted a few more opinions, and this seemed like the best place to post for that reason. I just want to do the best I can.[/quote]
Your friend is projecting and you are tripping over yourself over a non-issue in order to ensure you are politically correct.

If your 3 year old said they were called Rex and were a dinosaur you wouldn't even be having this conversation.

Treat a 3 year old like a 3 year old and stop overthinking it or putting adult politics on him.

FuckingFabulous · 04/03/2021 20:38

[quote ASugar]@Lalallals248
Allow her to be who she is. Let her have female pronouns at home and then it can expand further if it's something she wants. Start small 🤍[/quote]
Just......

Sittinbythetree · 04/03/2021 20:52

Reading this thread is reminding me of when youngest DC was a dog and started barking in the library, we weren’t in the children’s section either as I was getting my books.

VivaLeBeaver · 04/03/2021 20:56

What do you mean by “girly” and girl’s roles?

With that and talking about him liking unicorns, etc it sounds like you are pedalling gender stereotypes to your kids. Tell him boys can wear dresses, like unicorns, etc.

Whyisitalwayssocold · 04/03/2021 21:00

This sounds very normal to me and so I would just call him Daniel as usual. If he says "I'm Danielle" I'd just play along for a bit. I really don't think it needs all this head scratching when he's 3 years old.

I have 4 siblings and we all had our opposite sex names for fun and we would still affectionately refer to each other as those names sometimes as adults. None of us are trans. My 4 year old daughter also calls her 18 month old brother a feminised form of his name all the time but I doubt she realises its a girls name as it's just adding a vowel on at the end of his name if that makes sense.

LynetteScavo · 04/03/2021 21:28

DD did this - changed her name aged three and cried for about two years because she didn't have a willy. (DS2 told her she had a willy when she was born but we chopped it off, which didn't help)

Now a teenager, she'd be mortified if we bought it up. She definitely doesn't want to be a boy these days and is very eye-rolly about the 5 transgender pupils in her year at school.

Ellbell24 · 05/03/2021 00:29

Just let him be, as he is only 3 this could be a phase or it could be who he is. Make sure he knows boys can play with 'girls' toys if that's what they enjoy 🥰

CuteBear · 05/03/2021 08:51

[quote Lalallals248]@UhtredRagnarson a friend of mine said they knew they wanted to be a trans from the age of around 2 and I should use my son's new name. With that in mind, I think I was hoping for some trans parents/individuals to say whether their thoughts aligned with my friend's.

With asking about the name, I didn't make it into a 'oh! who came up with that?! I need to know' I just said 'that's a pretty name. Who thought of that?'[/quote]
I’m not sure if you saw my post, but my twin (a boy) used to dress up like a girl and I’d call him by the feminised version of his name. We played together with traditionally “girl” and “boy” toys. This went on until we were about 8 or 9.

You need to teach BOTH of your DS that it’s okay for boys to like girly things, a girls to like boy things. It doesn’t mean they’re the opposite sex. It’s just their personality and interests.

Excited101 · 05/03/2021 11:40

The problem with using the name ‘with no weighting behind it’ is that it will and does have weighting behind it. Maybe not by you, but by others who he encounters, in a very different way to if it was ‘here is Fido, our dog...’ (wink wink nudge nudge). So no, at 3 I wouldn’t indulge it. Refer to him by his actual name, maybe if he corrects you, you can ‘oh yes, Danielle’ but then you’re going by his lead and not encouraging it when he’s moving on to different play.

Orchidflower1 · 05/03/2021 13:44

So @Lalallals248 what are you doing?

SenecaTrewe · 08/03/2021 23:36

Mumsnet is predominantly anti trans.

In what way?

Nowayhozay · 09/03/2021 09:51

@SenecaTrewe

Mumsnet is predominantly anti trans.

In what way?

I don't think that Mumsnet as a whole is necessarily anti trans but there are certainly elements that are.

You only have to look at some of the posts in the Feminism chat, such one sided ignorance and hate it really saddens me .

Sadly even within the LGBT child chat when the anti trans feminism gang get wind of a Trans post they take over and just repeat the same old mantra.

MsTSwift · 09/03/2021 09:55

Dd1 at 3 insisted on being called Derek and would only answer to that for a while she identified as the prince in the swan princess. Got a few odd glances in Sainsbury’s

ancientgran · 09/03/2021 10:02

With asking about the name, I didn't make it into a 'oh! who came up with that?! I need to know' I just said 'that's a pretty name. Who thought of that?'[/quote]
My son was a Disney princess when he was 3, 4 and 5. He laughs about it now. Your son might grow up to be trans I think it is likely it is a phase but I suppose that is because it is my experience just like your friend probably thinks the opposite because of her experience. Either way I think the best thing is to not make a fuss of it, don't question them about the name and see what happens.

BlueSoop · 09/03/2021 10:05

My 3 year old thinks he’s a dinosaur. I wouldn’t read too much into it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/03/2021 10:05

I would just play along. It’s largely imaginative play. I pretended to be a boy at that age and my youngest pretended she was a puppy (in all seriousness for almost two years straight, she would bark, pant, crawl, refuse to talk if in puppy mode for hours and hours of the day every day ..etc).

DavidsSchitt · 09/03/2021 10:37

My 7 year old is a king. He was a cat when he was 3

Bumblebee1980a · 09/03/2021 13:23

@Lalallals248

This is how I have been approaching it so far. He has complete freedom to wear whatever he wants, play with whatever he wants, and we don't label anything. But the name change today made me wonder whether this is enough?

It's not your call to make. You have to go with it and let him take the lead otherwise you may cause some damage.

Bumblebee1980a · 09/03/2021 13:25

It's prob just a phase. My DS loves having his nails painted, has been known to paint his face with my makeup. His favourite film is Frozen. I honestly couldn't care less as long as he's happy. He's just exploring - research schemas, it tells you about stages of play children go through.

Bumblebee1980a · 09/03/2021 13:28

My 7 year old is a king. He was a cat when he was 3

My DS is currently going through this phase (but a dog) and it's been a while now. It's probably the most annoying phase he has gone through especially with Covid and germs as he wants to scrawl everywhere (home and nursery) 😳😂

bluebluezoo · 09/03/2021 13:32

My 3 year old son has always been very girly

No. To start stop with this kind of stereotyping. Just because he likes these things does not make him “girly”. He’s a boy, and those are his interests.

Subconsciously or not he will be picking up on your clues about what is “girly” and what isn’t.

Reinforce there is no such thing as “for girls” or “for boys”. To him and yourself.

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