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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

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Original poster

Advice for dealing with schools re trans child

372 replies

IamMrsElf · 15/01/2016 12:06

My Trans DD is due to start school in September. I was wondering if anyone else has enrolled a trans child or has a trans child at school, what are your experiences and advice?

I'm just not sure what to expect or how to deal with it all.

I do have a child at the school currently, so I know the teachers and the school. Some of the staff are aware and so far my interactions with them have been positive.

I feel apprehensive for my DD and just want some thoughts and advice from those that have been there.

OP posts:
ChristmasHousewife · 15/01/2016 20:30

Your child is a BOY. You need to seek some serious help to deal with this.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 15/01/2016 20:32

Anyone that labels a three year old is very difficult to understand, I'm afraid. We can only go by what you have told us.

AtSea1979 · 15/01/2016 20:33

When I was a toddler up until high school, I used to insist I was a boy. I wore 'boys' clothes and played with 'boys' toys and played with boys. Thank god it was 30 years ago and no one tried to label me.
For the past 4 years DD has consistently and insistently told me she is a cat. She regularly speaks to me in a mix of English and meows. I didn't feel the need to speak to the school prior to her starting or label her transitioning to a cat Hmm

YouBastardSockBalls · 15/01/2016 20:34

Why tears?

What exactly has upset you? Do you think that you have made a mistake imposing this on your child?
Parenting is hard. Obviously you just want the best. But this really isn't it.
I'm so sorry if you're upset, but have these posts made you think at all?

FellOutOfBedTwice · 15/01/2016 20:34

I'm not attaching you OP, I feel desperately sorry for you as you seem to be feeling this deeply. I just wonder what your GP/health visitor says? What's their advice been?

Queenbean · 15/01/2016 20:37

This has got to be a wind up

Sparklycat · 15/01/2016 20:39

I strongly suggest you make an appointment with the Health Visitor and ask for a hospital referral. They will be able to helping sort out this potential mess you're creating and make sense of it all and offer you counselling.

Cellardoor1 · 15/01/2016 20:40

Please look at this link with all the studies that show that trans children generally do not grow up to be trans adults.

By labeling your son at such a young age you are setting him on a path of drugs and potential bodily mutilation which he will more than likely not need or want in the future. If he is being told he is a girl from the age of 3 and treated as such, what chance will he have to make up his own mind? Let him be, don't label him.

Palomb · 15/01/2016 20:43

There is no such thing as a trans 3 years old.

Pico2 · 15/01/2016 20:44

I wonder whether a school might make a child protection referral to social services for parents identifying a 4 year old as trans. Not because a school would definitely know that this is a damaging situation for a child, but because they have no experience of this at all.

Fluffy24 · 15/01/2016 20:45

I'm not surprised your DH is in tears actually, your utter conviction that your infant is trans must be very difficult for him to deal with. I think that you need some help to deal with the lack of a DD before you totally screw up your son.

GahBuggerit · 15/01/2016 20:46

you are calling your DS a DD
you have told the school already
you have labelled him

and hes only 3

humour his funny little phase, and his next one where he wants to be a mouse or whatever. in the unlikley event he carries it on when hes older and mature enough to work through it then support the shit out of him. until then just be a mum to your 3 year old, stop trying to 'design' him before he can even realise wtf is going on, its dangerous for your poor little boy

Or to look at it another way, would you be comfortable going through all of this with your hv/ss? about how you want a girl, have researched trans (for a toddler), already refer to yourcson as a daughter, already spoken to the school, thought about adopting a girl and admitting you have pre conceived ideas of girls etc. i dont think im wrong in saying eyebrows would be raised in how rushed this all is.

for a 3 year old. to put that in perspective a lot of 3 year olds still bf for comfort and wear nappies

Palomb · 15/01/2016 20:48

All the sons. They will all feel that they weren't good enough and they will all realise that their mum wanted them to be girls so much she tried to turn one of them in to one.

GahBuggerit · 15/01/2016 20:50

i too think the school will do some sort of referral, hopefully, Pico

YouBastardSockBalls · 15/01/2016 20:56

The scary thing is that because everyone is so scared of being sued for being 'transphobic' at the moment, and because the school won't have come across it before, they may just go along with it.

Please think better of this OP!

bigbuttons · 15/01/2016 20:56

When my son was 3 he insisted that he was a Chinese vampire - no joke. He would wear Chinese robes all the time, including when he started school. Chinese vampires jump with both feet together and their arms outstretched so he also spent most of his time moving like this.
A kind friend even made him a coffin to sleep into which I put foam and padding in to make it comfortable. I lined it in red satin. He slept in it until he was too big to fit.
He is now 8 and hadn't been a Chinese vampire for a few years..........

VashtaNerada · 15/01/2016 21:01

Haven't read whole thread but I'd advise having a chat with Gendered Intelligence or Mermaids. They're trans-friendly but I expect will also advise you take things slow with DD/DS. Trans adults often say they identified as trans at a very young age, but that doesn't mean every child who is gender non-conforming will necessarily stay that way. Good luck Flowers

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 15/01/2016 21:02

OP I'm sorry you and your husband are hurting.

But are you taking any of these stories in at all?

I have literally just completed school admission forms for my four year old, who wears a Spiderman suit all the time (it has to be peeled off him!). I indulge this because he is four! I don't actually encourage him to behave as Spiderman or think he is.

The same as you can indulge dressing like a girl and playing with girl's toys (although not sure why this bothers you if you don't believe in gender) without actually believing he is a girl.

Let him dress up. Call him Belle (or whatever). Let him play with whatever toys he wants and foster some love for his own self and his own body. Please don't go down this route.

Cellardoor1 · 15/01/2016 21:02

That's so funny bigbuttons. Fair play for indulging him to the point of making him a coffin bed Grin

HermioneWeasley · 15/01/2016 21:02

OP, I am sorry you are upset. I think you need to reflect on why you have found the very gentle challenge you've had here so upsetting.

You have said you don't label your child as "trans" in day to day life, but equally you have told us that he "transitioned", that you use female pronouns, want to talk to the school about him being trans and have talked to him about why his body is different to other girls. Those positions aren't compatible.

You have received good advice here, advice with your child's best interests at heart.

Please reflect.

bigbuttons · 15/01/2016 21:07

cellardoor1 I remember him hopping 2 footed round a very crowded beach in north Devon, he had his robes and a Chinese hat on. Everyone else was in their swimming gear! It would take us quite a long time to hop to pre school too!

NorthernBird92 · 15/01/2016 21:07

A 3 year old child does not have the mental ability to understand that they want to be transgender!!!
Fgs HE wants to play with dolls and wear dresses let him bloody get on with it and don't take it upon your self to drill into a 3 year old BABY that he is transgender!!!
I am in my early 20s and I prefer to wear my hubbys tshirts to bed and I like to talk about cars and watch top gear does that make me 'transgender' no it makes me a female that has interests in non girly kinda things.
It's absolutely disgusting that as a mother you are putting your BABY through this.
If you continue you are going to damage your child mentally and emotionally.

HermioneWeasley · 15/01/2016 21:11

OK northern please don't attack OP. It would be great if she and her husband felt able to stay on this thread and engage with the advice that's been given thoughtfully.

R0nJ0n · 15/01/2016 21:11

OP the problem here is the child being referred to as she and trans, not the situation. If the original post had read something like

"my son is due to start reception in September. Currently he dresses as a girl, plays with dolls and tells me he is a girl. We have no issue with this at all, but we are concerned with what will happen when he starts school if he's still insisting he's a girl. Has anyone who has been through some thing like this advise us of the best course of action."

Then you would have got sympathetic answers. Many many children go through phases of wanting to be the opposite sex. Most grow out of it, a few don't. At three you just let them be what they want, labling a three year old as trans is as bad as insisting to a boy that playing with dolls is unnatural and he needs to be manly.

Floggingmolly · 15/01/2016 21:15

Dear sweet Jesus... A transgender 3 year old Hmm