Advice for dealing with schools re trans child

[IamMrsElf]

My Trans DD is due to start school in September. I was wondering if anyone else has enrolled a trans child or has a trans child at school, what are your experiences and advice?

I'm just not sure what to expect or how to deal with it all.

I do have a child at the school currently, so I know the teachers and the school. Some of the staff are aware and so far my interactions with them have been positive.

I feel apprehensive for my DD and just want some thoughts and advice from those that have been there.

Daft that ballet is seen as an easy fluffy thing to do. The hard work and physical pain from doing it at a high level is off the charts. I always think that male ballet dancers are the epitome of pure manliness! Balance and grace coupled with strength and power. mmmmm. Like the divine Adam Cooper.

This is bad. A 4 year old cannot e transgender that's absolutely ridiculous I'm sorry. My 3 year old dd wanted to be a boy for a couple of years to the point of getting upset if we didn't all her by the boys name she picked out. By 5 she was a prope girl getting into nail varnish, she's now 12 and and very much a young lady! Please don't do this to your kid. It's a phrase! He's far too young to know what he is yet. If you label him he stuck with a decision he made when he was a toddler. It's a very bad idea.

By 5 she was a prope girl getting into nail varnish,

Terminology again. I know you likely didnt mean it, and i do agree with your post, but its little things like that that children hear and absorb. A "proper girl" likes nail varnish, if you dont what are you? A boy?

No such thing as "proper girl".

Now the word proper sounds really odd to me

Just an illustration new but I take your point

Jw35 - perfect illustration

The nail varnish thing was something that stood out to me when Katilyn Jenner did her 'coming out as a woman' interview - that she was looking forward to "finally being able to wear nail varnish" - it struck me as so sad that something as random as putting paint on your nails, (something humans have only being doing at all relatively recently,) as been assigned as 'female only' by society, to the extent that a man who was considering transitioning to being a woman still wouldn't be seen with painted nails until after completely change to live as a woman.

There is no biological reason for either sex to paint a bit of their hands, so why not have boys do it too?

Exactly dinosaurs!

Pro-Trans so often seems to actually be "pro-accepting male/female stereotyping"

If anyone could wear nail varnish, grow their hair long, play with dolls, love pink etc there would be a need for mtf transitions?

My dd told me all about transkids today. Apparently some boys look like boys on the outside but are really girls. I asked how. Because they like make up and skirts. Awesome job whoever explained that to her

I love the juxtaposition between what it looks like on the stage and the reality of what it means to make it look like that. I see a lot of parallels with 'performing femininity'. Fascinating. Subconsciously dd also sees them - the saga involved with stage make-up and hair means she has been left in no doubt about the 'performance' aspects of womanhood, and that to conform or not is an individual choice.

I'd never thought of it like that before but yes - what a great insight.

*Pro-Trans so often seems to actually be "pro-accepting male/female stereotyping"

If anyone could wear nail varnish, grow their hair long, play with dolls, love pink etc there would be a need for mtf transitions?*

yy- I also think this is why you see far more mtf than ftm- It's relatively acceptable for a girl to like "boy stuff"- they fit nicely into the tomboy box, as seen up thread. But there is no box for boys who like inferiorgirl stuff, so its almost more acceptable for a boy to be trans than a boy who likes "girl stuff".

Boys stuff is the desirable default, you only like girls stuff if your vagina makes you like it. You wouldn't choose it.

do you think some boys end up identifying as trans because it is somehow more acceptable that being gay?

This is truly terrifying. You have a three year old child, and you are forcing a gender on them. Let your ds play with whatever he wants, dress how he chooses. But for goodness sake don't call him a dd or a girl. You are confusing your child, who may think he has to become what his mum wants-a girl.

Give it time, take a step back and breath. Let your child know that you are there to support him but drop all this gender stuff. All your son needs to know it that whoever he becomes you will support him and be proud, all you are doing know is shoving him in a pigeon hole and he may never find his way out. I agree that it is abusive.

do you think some boys end up identifying as trans because it is somehow more acceptable that being gay?

It certainly seems that some parents would rather have a daughter than a gay son. In all the stories I've read and seen about trans kids it seems to come down to "X always enjoyed playing with dolls instead of trucks". It's a weird sort of homophobia,

do you think some boys end up identifying as trans because it is somehow more acceptable that being gay?

I think it's more acceptable than not being a "proper boy", who has non stereotypical likes. Many posters here won't allow their boys to do cross gender activities like wear elsa dresses in public, for fear of ridicule. It's preferable to have your child identified as trans than have to defend his non-conforming choices.

You have a three year old child, and you are forcing a gender on them

This is an interesting thought. Don't you think we are forcing gender on all children? We dress girls in pink, give them dolls to play with, focus on looks and expect certain behaviours. We designate a completely different set of values to boys, purely because of anatomy. We tell children what gender they are, and expect them to moderate their behaviour to fit that gender.

I don't think people do necessarily force a gender on children. I have two boys, their baby toys were all bright primary colours, so gender neutral. As they got older and we went to play groups they chose whatever they wanted. Ds1 liked the construction toys so we had lots of duplo/Lego at home. Then he started liking puzzles arts and crafts etc, again I'd say pretty neutral. Ds2 loves characters from a variety often programmes, he transports them round in a little pink pushchair, and transfers them into a star wars bag if we are going out. Both of these are things he chose.

They chose their own tshirts/jumpers, and jeans are all from the girls section as the skinniest ones fit them best. I can't understand why people have the need to define a way of playing as being either boyish or girly, especially when we are talking about such young children.

If children are allowed space to become themselves with out pressure either way they will become who they are in their own time. Labelling a child of 3 as having transitioned I'd barking mad!

The point is the op is allowing her 3 year old to decide what gender he is when he's not old enough to really know. That's the bottom line, he's too young to be considered transgender. He a boy who currently identifies as a girl. It can (and does) change and is so much more likely to be a phrase at this age than a real issue. If she continues down this path of calling him a her rather than allowing him to become either gender she is potentially causing long term confusion that may be completely unnecessary. If he was 16 maybe but he's 3. It's not right!

The idea that boys can't wear nail varnish is so retrogressive.

We have come so far in terms of accepting different kind of sexuality, but so many years after David Bowie, the Cure, Boy George, punks etc. etc, it seems that males who step out of their assigned gender role are less rather than more likely to be accepted as a man.

Jesus

I think toddlers can be trans, but I'd never take much notice until teen years (before that I'd let them be who they want) as soon as puberty hits, they cannot cope, if they are trans. The difference is 'wanting to be a boy/girl' and 'I am a boy/girl' wanting is so much different to feeling it inside, IMO.

I mean when they're around 10/11 too, not 3!

Elsie, thank you for linking back to the thread for me. I've re read my posts and completely stand by them. A 3/4 year old is just a child and can in no way have transitioned. The only way a child of this age could have an idea of transitioning is if rigid gender stereotypes were forced on them from the start.

In fact if you read my posts you will see that for some degree we both made the same point about not labelling behaviours and ways of playing at all.

The PM you sent me was completely unnecessary, did you go through everyone on the thread or was it just me that had the pleasure?

I did have three boys. One of those boys has told me persistently, consistently and insistently that they are a girl.

What, since he started talking - about two years ago?

This thread is ridiculous and I just hope it's bullshit but sadly I think it's not. I can't imagine why anyone would label a toddler as transgender. What the fuck does that even mean anyway?!

Seriously I've read it all now.

Transgender=conforming to gender stereotypes.

I think there must be a new definition of 'internet troll' running in parallel to the generally accepted one.

The new variant being 'anyone who doesn't agree with me, even if I've not been a participant in discussion and have just dropped in to say you're all horrible'