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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

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Original poster

Advice for dealing with schools re trans child

372 replies

IamMrsElf · 15/01/2016 12:06

My Trans DD is due to start school in September. I was wondering if anyone else has enrolled a trans child or has a trans child at school, what are your experiences and advice?

I'm just not sure what to expect or how to deal with it all.

I do have a child at the school currently, so I know the teachers and the school. Some of the staff are aware and so far my interactions with them have been positive.

I feel apprehensive for my DD and just want some thoughts and advice from those that have been there.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 15/01/2016 14:21

Is having a supposed trans child fashionable now or something? Bit like having a special pet?
Do you come from Brighton OP?

cornflakes91 · 15/01/2016 14:23

I can't help but think that describing a child as trans and calling them by the other gender is jumping the gun a little at age 3....

My 10 year younger sister, from the age of 2 refused to wear a dress or skirt, refused to play with toys traditionally thought of as for girls and all her friends were boys. We just went with it, never thought to change her name or stop referring to her as a girl, just let her be who she wanted to be. This lasted until she was 12, at which point in the space of 6 months she became extremely 'girly' in dress sense and interests etc. Again we just went with it. Now age 16 she's just like any other teenage girl. I remember we discussed wether she would be trans as an adult, and she would have been totally supported if she had been, but to label one so young when you have no idea how they will be by the time they've been through puberty etc, just seems potentially confusing for the child.

ghnocci · 15/01/2016 14:23

OP I see on a couple of your other threads you have all boys and you've talked about desperately wanting a girl, either your own or even adopting.

I really hope you're not projecting your desire for a daughter onto your child in this way.

bigbuttons · 15/01/2016 14:24

hmm......(rubs chin)....I wonder.

Jackie0 · 15/01/2016 14:24

Ah gnocchi that puts a different light on it

bigkidsdidit · 15/01/2016 14:25

If gender were irrelevant to you you would just say you had a boy who likes - I'm guessing - playing with dolls and wearing girls clothes? Gender obviously isn't irrelevant to you, seeing as you are imposing gender labels on him to the extent you are calling him 'She'.

Original poster
IamMrsElf · 15/01/2016 14:29

Thank you all for your concern. Please be assured that I am not forcing my child to do anything. I have read everything and anything that I can get my hands on to do with being transgender.

I do understand that without knowing my child it is difficult for anyone else to understand.

I would like some advice from anyone who is trans, has a trans child, works in schools or with kids with trans. People with practical real world experience of this.

Thank you for your comments. I will take your thoughts on board.

OP posts:
SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 15/01/2016 14:32

Ok, you just want a lot of 'you sound like a lovely mum OP, so supportive, have a word with the teacher and get him/her to use some class time to explain to the other children why yours is special because he likes girl things so he's a girl'.

I'm sure someone will be along soon.

titchy · 15/01/2016 14:33

I have read everything and anything that I can get my hands on to do with being transgender.

Why? Just enjoy your lovely toddler and the way HE is. Why label? and a trendy label at that

Boredofthinkingofnewnames · 15/01/2016 14:34

I don't think you will find anyone with experience of a teams child going into reception year.

Boredofthinkingofnewnames · 15/01/2016 14:34

Trans. Sorry, autocorrect.

DextersMistress · 15/01/2016 14:35

OP I see on a couple of your other threads you have all boys and you've talked about desperately wanting a girl, either your own or even adopting.

I really hope you're not projecting your desire for a daughter onto your child in this way.

Jesus Christ please don't tell me you're so desperate for a girl you're forcing your little boy to be one. Sad

enderwoman · 15/01/2016 14:35

I'm confused by what you mean.
Can a 3 or 4 year old be trans?

My daughter had a male classmate who had long hair in a ponytail and wore female uniform to school out of choice. He generally played with boys.

She also had a female classmate who wore her hair short, only played with boys and was only invited to single sex parties hosted by boys.

I'd say that these two children were on the edges of the spectrum of being a male/female but could they have been trans?

Boredofthinkingofnewnames · 15/01/2016 14:37

Trans. Sorry, autocorrect.

Devilishpyjamas · 15/01/2016 14:38

Have you been to see a specialist psychologist OP?

I do think that deciding that he is she at this age is a pretty big steer with lots of expectations. If you think your child might be transgender why not be completely neutral at such a young age?

I spent a lot of my younger years (aged about 3-5 or 6) wanting to be a boy. I wouldn't wear swimming costumes ages 5, I wore trunks. I didn't want dolls I wanted lego. I wouldn't wear dresses I wore trousers. I am most definitely not trans! Am rather pleased that in the 70's I was just left to get on with it at such a young age!

Towards the end of primary school and into secondary is different (and I follow the arguments around acting before puberty), but I do think pre-school is very young to be assuming anything really.

ghnocci · 15/01/2016 14:39

I do have practical real life experience of this. I don't want to go into details without name changing but I do know first hand that being transgender is very, very difficult indeed. It's a shitty hand to be dealt really and you absolutely don't need to be encouraging your 3yo down that road.

Neither you nor your child can possibly know at this point whether they will want to identify as trans when they're older. Can't you just love and support them without removing their choices?

MigGril · 15/01/2016 14:39

I have a friend who's little boy is totally like this. From a very early age he would chose to wear dress play with dolls. Was happy to go to parties in princess dresses his parents have just gone with it.

But in no way have they ever identified him as a girl or tired to label him as such. I think that would be wrong at such a young age. What if he changes his mind later on it'll be so hard for him.

I would let him explore what he wants but don't try and change his gender label at such a young age. Children at 3 are only just learning that there are different sex's let alone recognising which one they fit into. They still sometimes mixed men and women up at that age. I still see that happen in reception age children.

Valmur · 15/01/2016 14:39

I'm sorry. I know you want us to shelve our concerns and I agree that we have not met your DC. However for me the term 'transitioning' refers to a conscious and autonomous decision to permanently change one's gender presentation to the gender which one feels but does not present. I struggle to see how a 3 year old can have the autonomy, understanding or maturity to make such a decision.

Original poster
IamMrsElf · 15/01/2016 14:39

I did have three boys. One of those boys has told me persistently, consistently and insistently that they are a girl.

I did want a girl. I was considering adopting. This has nothing to do with that. I did not project my desire for a girl onto my child. Thanks for psychology analyzing my a parenting though, it is very helpful.

I do not want someone to come along and tell me to talk to the school. I am a teacher, my husband is a teacher, we know schools.

I was hoping that there were other parents out there with similar experience who felt able to share.

I was hoping for reassurance.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 15/01/2016 14:41

This reminds me of Harry Enfield's Waynetta Slob wanting a brown baby because all the other mothers on the estate had one.

OP your child is too young and I think you have psychological issues that need to be addressed for your children's sakes.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 15/01/2016 14:42

OP, your child has not decided he's trans, YOU have. A toddler cannot rationally make that decision. Allow him to be a child with no labels until he is able to verbalise coherently how he feels one way or the other.

Like other posters have said, I truly hope that you haven't grasped a bit of 'feminine behaviour' and decided he's trans because you desperately wanted a girl.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 15/01/2016 14:42

Oh, I thought you asked for someone who works in schools, as well as the trans experience.

Anyway - yeah, I don't think you'll find many posters whose child 'transitioned' as a toddler, so you might not have much luck there.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 15/01/2016 14:43

And I think you need some counselling to work out why you are taking this stance. You are risking doing long term damage to your child.

titchy · 15/01/2016 14:53

DS used to insist he was a cat when he was 3......

At 3 children are only just becoming aware of gender. It's not until they're around 5 they realise that gender is permanent. You are doing your child real harm developmentally by letting him believe he is and can be a girl.

ohidoliketobe · 15/01/2016 14:54

I don't understand how a 3 (albeit nearly 4) year old child as trans. Imagine if someone posted "well DS is definetly gay because he cuddles all the boys in pre school". You'd think don't be so ignorant, that sounds like a very normal loving, tactile preschooler who doesn't understand our society's prescribed sexual conformity norms.
3!!! FFS.
My godson is 4 and wants to be Elsa. Wears a long blonde wig. Best inform his parents thay actually this isn't just an entirely normal phase kids go through when you allow them the freedom of not going down the route of boys must only play with footballs and wear trousers and girls must wear dresses and okay with dollies.
I can remember when I learnt about puberty at 7 maybe 8 I freaked out about growing boobs and starting periods. My DM told me not to worry about it. Luckily she didn't start the process of turning me into her DS because for a brief period of time I begged to be a boy.