Advice for dealing with schools re trans child

[IamMrsElf]

My Trans DD is due to start school in September. I was wondering if anyone else has enrolled a trans child or has a trans child at school, what are your experiences and advice?

I'm just not sure what to expect or how to deal with it all.

I do have a child at the school currently, so I know the teachers and the school. Some of the staff are aware and so far my interactions with them have been positive.

I feel apprehensive for my DD and just want some thoughts and advice from those that have been there.

[joystir59]

Calling your son she and telling him he is a girl is tantamount to abuse. Absurdly bat shit ridiculous. If you gave birth to a boy you will always have a son, no matter in which way he expresses gender wise.

[AtSea1979]

This is over a year old

[HildaOg]

That should read *some parents...

[HildaOg]

We live in such a strictly gendered world now. I asked my five year old the other day what was the difference between a boy and a girl and her reply was that boys have short hair and girls long. She has no idea about genitalia differences yet.

It seems that parents nowadays have decided that if their boy likes pink, dresses and girly toys then he's a girl. Of course living in such a heavily gendered culture will convince a child that they are a member of the opposite sex if they like things stereotypically associated with the opposite sex. It's so wrong. Let children be. Let them wear what they want, play as they want and explore who they are without labelling them with adult mental health issues.

Creating a fake identity for them is not going to be helpful a few years down the line. That builds a prison around them, their entire identity will revolve around their presentation and they won't be able to break free of it.

[Theskyisgrey]

To answer the OP. I have personal experience on this. Feel free to send me a message.

We've found other families via Mermaids, who have offered tolerance, understanding and shared experience.

All the very best to you.

[Hotheadwheresthecoldbath]

Your child will be fine at school as their gender is not really relevant to early years learning.She will however have to fight the boys for the princess dressing up stuff.

[lifeisunjust]

I ve been through it.

Boys have pense girls don't. Biology.
Mack mom is the ignorant one.

[1WayOrAnother]

OP, if you are still there and have not got sick of all the ignorance on this thread, there are a lot of people contributing who are obviously not experienced in any of this. I know a child of this age who identifies as the opposite gender to that of their birth, whilst I have no direct experience I am aware of the daily battle the parents face. I applaud parents in this situation for accepting this and trying to support the child rather than sweeping it under the carpet or dismissing it as a 'phase'. You know your own child. Your child is fortunate to have parents who are on their side.

[MacksMom]

And also, OP was actually asking for advice from someone whom had actually been through what she's going through - which obviously none of you lot have!

[MacksMom]

The school should just let them use the girl's bathrooms. They should call them by whatever name they like, and just except them for them.They don't need to change to fit in to a gender.
Saying that "because you have a penis you are a boy" is like saying "because you have blonde hair you are dumb".
Who cares what a four year old's keeping in their pants? As long as they are happy and have a loving and supportive family - which I'm absolutely sure they do.

[SuburbanRhonda]

The worrying thing about this thread (and I appreciate its a few weeks old) is the apparent absence of professional, psychological support for the OPs DC and family.

I think it's the OP who needs the psychological support.

She started this thread thinking if she focused on the best way of dealing with the school, she could avoid any discussion about how damaging it could be to encourage her DS to believe he is a girl.

As soon as people starting questioning that, she and her DH were apparently "in tears".

She is clearly struggling as a parent. She needs some help and I really hope she gets it and that her DS grows up as a happy and confident child who is encouraged by his parents to be himself.

[lifeisunjust]

I have now read the whole thread.

It is obvious the problem is the OP and her obsession with wanting a girl. Oh dear, the overbearing tick there.

Tell your son HE IS A BOY.
Tell your son he can play with any toys, he can put on clothes mainly girls wear. Tell your son he can do anything girly he likes.
Please stop telling him he is a GIRL.
Let him have a more normal childhood.
You have made a very bad decision to deliberately refuse to let him play with toys seen as stereotypical girls toys and now you are doing the opposite!!!!
Please go and get yourself some psychological help for yourself before you do anything else.

[lifeisunjust]

You son is BIOLOGICALLY a boy. I hope for him you are not spinning him the lie that putting on girls clothes changes his sex and makes him a girl because it is physically impossible and it is very damaging.

If you think you can convince your 4 year old he is not, well you are sadly very deluded and it is a thin line to being child abuse.

Let your son be happy presenting as either gender and do NOT encourage the extremes of gender stereotypes. Just let him be a child who happens to have the biology of a boy.

[lifeisunjust]

A high proportion of "trans" adult boys have 2 factors in their upbringing. It is well known and not controversial.

1. eldest or only boy
   
   
2. overbearing mother who panders to their child, everyone knows one

[lifeisunjust]

Very very sad that anyone can use "trans" in relation to a 4 year old.

[ElsieWinters]

i think maybe older children think of transgender being more exceptable than being gay, seeing as (especially in secondary schools) "gay" is used as an insult all too often. So i think if your child feels they want to transition younger i think its important for them to just go for it! You as a parent can only support them and give them confidence to believe in their selves

[Canyouforgiveher]

My daughters' school had a child transition male to female in the equivalent of reception (preK). Changed his name. letter to classmates' parents and to parents in my daughter's class (they were the oldest grade and were partnered with the youngest grade). This was all done after much consultation with the parents and professional medical and pscych back up. As far as I could see the children in the school didn't bat an eyelid about the switch.

A child who was in my son's class in the same school (much older) had wanted to transition female to male from the same age. He later transitioned in High School.

I don't really know where I stand on this. Age 4/5 seems to young to do this but then my son's friend found living as a girl very difficult (shame really because she was a real role model as a girl) so I wonder what did it achieve to spend 10 years of school not allowing her to identify as male when it meant so much to her/him.

[ElsieWinters]

and in response to lunar1's most recent post: how the hell would you know if i child can tell if they r a boy or girl by age 3/4? seeing as your (im guessing) not transgender yourself, you have no right to talk about the mind of this little child.

[ElsieWinters]

i can see that alot of you may have taken my last message in the wrong way; basically all im trying to say is:

we are all humans. we are all going to die. lets all get off mumsnet. lets all stop talking shit about someone elses child, whom you do not know, and go do something thats actually useful. we only live once, and tbh as long as this sweet GIRL is happy and confident in HERself, who gives a flying fuck about which toilet she uses? we all know what a penis is, we all know what periods are, we all know babies come from vaginas - its nature. Gender isnt about genitels; its about how you mentally feel and what you want to be.

[lalalonglegs]

I can't link to that documentary but I remember this one about a Canadian man born in the 60s who, after a "bungled circumcision" when he was a baby, was brought up as a girl. Despite the female socialisation throughout his childhood and teens, he chose to be a male in adulthood, got married but, sadly, committed suicide in his 30s. The psychologist who had encouraged his parents to bring him up as female used him as a cause celebre for years and, iirc, tried to cover up the fact he had reverted to his male identity.

[Footle]

Can anyone link to that recent French film made by a man whose mother decided he was a girl ? He's now married to a woman.

[PrettyBrightFireflies]

The worrying thing about this thread (and I appreciate its a few weeks old) is the apparent absence of professional, psychological support for the OPs DC and family.
Why is the OP trying to decide for herself 'whether to tell the school' and why is there no support to advise parents and DCs what to expect?

I'm certain that if the school 'discovered' that a girl child in their class actually had a penis, they'd be treating the issue as one of safeguarding, to ensure that the DC was not experiencing abuse or coercion.
And before I'm lambasted for that, it's worth remembering that in some cultures, a child of one biological sex is deemed 'more valuable' than a DC of the other - so it's not always a matter of child led transitioning.

Personally, I think social transition so young is unnecessary but if that is what society is moving towards then it needs to be done in a safe way for everyone - which means professional involvement until it becomes the accepted 'norm'.
No family should be relying on the advice of inexperienced strangers on the Internet - it's far too important for that.

[trollopolis]

I think there must be a new definition of 'internet troll' running in parallel to the generally accepted one.

The new variant being 'anyone who doesn't agree with me, even if I've not been a participant in discussion and have just dropped in to say you're all horrible'

[Leslieknope45]

I did have three boys. One of those boys has told me persistently, consistently and insistently that they are a girl.

What, since he started talking - about two years ago?

This thread is ridiculous and I just hope it's bullshit but sadly I think it's not. I can't imagine why anyone would label a toddler as transgender. What the fuck does that even mean anyway?!

Seriously I've read it all now.

Transgender=conforming to gender stereotypes.

[lunar1]

Elsie, thank you for linking back to the thread for me. I've re read my posts and completely stand by them. A 3/4 year old is just a child and can in no way have transitioned. The only way a child of this age could have an idea of transitioning is if rigid gender stereotypes were forced on them from the start.

In fact if you read my posts you will see that for some degree we both made the same point about not labelling behaviours and ways of playing at all.

The PM you sent me was completely unnecessary, did you go through everyone on the thread or was it just me that had the pleasure?