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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

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Advice for dealing with schools re trans child

372 replies

IamMrsElf · 15/01/2016 12:06

My Trans DD is due to start school in September. I was wondering if anyone else has enrolled a trans child or has a trans child at school, what are your experiences and advice?

I'm just not sure what to expect or how to deal with it all.

I do have a child at the school currently, so I know the teachers and the school. Some of the staff are aware and so far my interactions with them have been positive.

I feel apprehensive for my DD and just want some thoughts and advice from those that have been there.

OP posts:
SparkleSoiree · 15/01/2016 21:16

OP, reading through this thread there are some nasty, sarcastic, judgmental and insensitive comments on here. Regardless of opinion it's clearly a situation that the majority of people wouldn't have the first clue about and we probably couldn't imagine what it's like to be in your situation.

I Echo the posters who have advised talking to professionals who do have experience and understanding of these situations. It must be very difficult for you both.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 15/01/2016 21:16

Op, I have a lot of experience in this. I don't want to go into too much detail on here but please PM me if you need to.

I will kindly suggest that you don't even think about going down the route you are going down without an appointment with a gender specialist, you can either get a doctor referral or self refer. There is a lot needs to be put into place in the school and it is a very hard route to go down, for you and your dc.

Your dc will need counselling, gender appointments, meetings at school, with educational psychologists, and the school will need to look at a lot in terms of lesson plans (sex education will need to be appropriate, as will any personal care lessons) even school trips can be an utter pain in the arse.

Flowers op, it is very difficult. I know you are trying to do the best thing by your child.

NameChangeAnon · 15/01/2016 21:17

My cousin has a child (aged 13) who is trans and is in the process of fully identifying with their gender, with school and everything else. We're all fully supportive (well I have some bigoted, racist, misogynistic pillocks in the family, but we're all NC with them anyway).

So I'm pro-child-switching. But not at primary school age. They're just a kid, working out who they are. No labels yet please.

I have DDs, they're so fucking girly it makes my heart sink. Pretty dresses 100% of the time, sparkly shoes, all things Frozen, dolls etc. I've tried not to pander to stereotypes but they are so far up there on the girl scale I have to accept it. Your child has headed central, they might move. I hope mine might edge sideways a little, but it's up to them.

We need a campaign 'No to labels no one puts my baby in a a box '

HermioneWeasley · 15/01/2016 21:18

sparkle I'm not sure we're reading the same thread - plenty of posters have shared very similar stories of themselves or their Dcs. They just recognised it was a perfectly normal stage of child development and nobody needed to be treated the same way as a transsexual adult.

SparkleSoiree · 15/01/2016 21:19

We're both reading the same thread HermoineWeasley.

IMHO.

Branleuse · 15/01/2016 21:19

OP, whether your child grows up to be trans or not, 3 is way too early to tell. Its actually a fairly common phase for young children to go through x

FannyFifer · 15/01/2016 21:22

Agree with pretty much everyone on this thread. You have a 3 year old boy, that's it.
DS had a girl in his class that dressed as a boy from P1 onwards, she grew out of it by P5 if I recall.
DD in P1 currently has a wee friend who is a girl but dresses quite boyish with short hair etc, they are currently planning to marry each other when they grow up, so will see how that pans out. Smile
What I'm trying to say is young kids accept their friends, they won't care if your son dresses in girls clothes, please don't label him as anything other than a 3 year old wee boy.

Palomb · 15/01/2016 21:22

This is a 3 year old. Not a teenager.

Don't all boys go though phases of wanting to dress up as fairys and wear nail varnish and hairclips? I know mine did.

Most parents are just happy for their child to be happy being themselves.

PrimeDirective · 15/01/2016 21:24

I do not label my child as trans in day to day life.
Then you have to stop calling your son a girl.
He is not your daughter, he is a toddler.

Have you had any professional advice on this?
You really do need to seek professional help because starting your son at school as a girl is a dreadful idea.

NorthernBird92 · 15/01/2016 21:25

hermonie I am not attacking her. Shr has asked on a public forum for advice or opinion and that's what I have given.
She has stated her and her husband are upset.
If this was a firm thing that they knew to be right op and dh wouldn't be offended or upset by people's view.
The fact they are shows they know what they have done is wrong

SaloonBalloon · 15/01/2016 21:27

I have a friend whose sister is a teacher. There is a girl in her class who dresses as a boy, wears her hair short and calls herself by a boys name. Teacher takes it in her stride and the child is totally accepted by the class. Just let the teacher know what your child wishes to be called and when you have the new teacher visit/consultation give them as much background information as appropriate so that any unusual conversation/behaviours will not come as a surprise.

But I do think children's identities are sometimes fixed and sometimes fluid. My DD is currently a staunch atheist, militant vegetarian, muslim- curious little girl..............time will tell

sourpickledqueen · 15/01/2016 21:29

In the nicest possible way I really think you need some therapy op. What your doing to your child is verging on abuse. He is too young to understand any of this.

bigbuttons · 15/01/2016 21:29

I would be very interested to hear what the go said to the op.

mouldycheesefan · 15/01/2016 21:30

Op you have a son.
Stop telling him he is a girl and referring to him as she.
He has not 'transitioned' , how on earth could he have age three?
This is a drama of your own making. Take a step back, let your child be a child without all this projecting. Many many people on here have told you that their son dressed as a girl for a time, some went in to become trams, some didn't. You seriously are screwing this child up with this approach

anorakgirl · 15/01/2016 21:32

If this thread has reduced you to tears you need to toughen up OP to the journey in front of you if you persist with the idea your toddler is trans.

merrymouse · 15/01/2016 21:32

Even if wearing dresses/hating dresses isn't just a phase, there is no reason that having tastes and preferences traditionally associated with the opposite sex means that somebody needs to have surgery or take hormones.

A 3 year old is not old enough to have the experience or knowledge to make that kind of decision.

VagueIdeas · 15/01/2016 21:32

A four year old cannot be transgender. I have a child the same age who is only just developing a sense of what "boy" and "girl" means.

To persist with this notion of a "trans" preschooler is seriously unethical from a medical point of view (are there doctors involved?) and very wrong - and potentially damaging - from a parental point of view.

rednsparkley · 15/01/2016 21:38

Mrs Elf I have messaged you

fastingmum123 · 15/01/2016 21:43

My ds who I'd 5 has asked me on a few occasions hoe to take his willy off so he can be a girl like his sister. There is no way I would say he was trans he's just learning to understand the world around him. Please don't label your little one so young

Fuckitfay · 15/01/2016 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GahBuggerit · 15/01/2016 22:01

it all boils down to what you truly believe makes a woman/girl imo

dresses, dolls, pinkness, thinking you think like a girl, long hair, makeup etc do not

experiences, feelings over those experiences, relationships, emotions and processing them, societys expectations and discriminations, these do, and they barely apply to a 3 year old.

that is why your son is not a daughter. because he cannot go through the process of understanding what it is to be a girl, he can wear the dresses though and do the pink stuff, as most boys do

MisForMumNotMaid · 15/01/2016 22:03

I have two boys and a younger girl. My DD wanted boy bits to grow for her 4th birthday.

She is a different child, as is my eldest who's diagnosed Autistic. DD is intelligent in an academic sense (socially she has issues, we're all a sum of all our parts). She's nearly five and barely understands gender let alone different identification possibilities of gender.

4 year olds are wonderfully tolerant of difference because as little sponges they just except things. I don't think other children will give you any more bother than any other child gets.

With DD's differences (social issues, extreme anxiety, investigations for ASD) i approached the school and spoke with the senco. She in turn spoke to the class teacher and we hatched an action plan of how we would work together to ensure DD settled well.

You know your child best and you're best situated to relay your childs needs to the school. I find writing down key points helps keep me on track and focused when meeting with the school.

At all the schools my DC's have been too (many) we've been asked what name they like to be called/ we'd like to be used plus for forms etc their full formal birth name so from a practical point of view its likely your child can be reffered to as something they are comfortable with.

Many schools have a fairly gender neutral school uniform option i.e. Trousers, polo shirt and sweatshirt. If this could be an option for you then you leave your child the flexibility to develop and identify as they wish. Long hair will need to be tied back (regardless of gender), jewellery etc isn't allowed any way.

Having a child, or two, who don't quite conform to societies norms has its challenges and one of those is the reaction of others. For years I felt very criticised by others. That is not a reason not to have pursued what I felt was best for my child(ren).

Good luck in your journey.

LyndaNotLinda · 15/01/2016 22:06

If your child had told you they were a cat or an aeroplane, you would have just patted them on the head. But because they told you they're a girl you have to take them seriously. Why would you do that?!

My DS is 9. He told me today he's going to move into a tree house and this is the life he's always dreamed of. And it's true - tree-house living has been a theme throughout his life.

I haven't applied for birdman surgery though

Paddletonio · 15/01/2016 22:10

This is horrific. Please think about what you're doing. You are going to mess up your child if you push this path at age 3!

ghnocci · 15/01/2016 22:36

OP I'm sorry you're upset.

But as strange as this will sound, and I mean it in the nicest possible way, I'm glad the thread has moved you both to tears. This is a massive thing you're wanting to embark upon and it merits an awful lot of emotion. Hopefully this thread will act as a wake up call for you.