Residence dispute with ex H: am I going to be reduced to 1 weekend per fortnight?

[agingoth]

Hi all. I am getting divorced and we are about to go into mediation. H put the petition in which I am going to accept.

My big worry is losing main residence of the kids. We have spent a year separated in London doing strict 50:50 custody. H insisted on staying in the family home so I left as the atmosphere was so terrible and went to live in a flat 10 minutes away, the kids being with me strictly half the time. I was very depressed and didnt' have much fight in me at that point.

I work a long way from London in the North Midlands and now want to take the children with me up there where I think they would have a better standard of living. H is adamant they must stay with him because 'this is their home' and ds1 is settled in school (he is in year 2). My 2 year old is not yet in nursery. They have a nanny four days a week.

I have Mondays off to look after them but have to go up to Stoke 2/3 days a week at the moment to work. If they came to live with me nearer there I would be able to finish work about 4 to be with them. At the moment if with H they are with the nanny until 7pm.

i have offered H every weekend promising to get them down to London to him and more time in holidays. He said no and insists they must stay in SE London and attend the school.

Is he being reasonable? Or am I deluded in thinking I can take them out of London/school?

thanks

I think that for the moment, especially as your children are small and you have such long holidays that having them for a long weekend every other week and for most of the holidays might be the best option. Why don't you try working out what that would mean over the next year - how much time you could potentially have. It may not be such a bad way to do things, certainly lots of fathers have much less and maintain excellent relationships with their children. It may also be important for your mental health to have some recovery time somewhere you feel safe and supported. In time a job may come up where other options present themselves, and there would be nothing to stop you pursuing them then. Sometimes you need to stop kicking yourself when you are down. Just because you are a woman there is nothing wrong with having a vocation, it's just that there are consequences that come with it. I would have thought that was something that your colleagues, friends and family would understand, and not judge you on what clearly is a really difficult decision for you.

If it goes to court, rather than an amicable arrangement, I'm not sure every weekend would be accepted. Obviously no one has a crystal ball but quality time with both parents is important, particularly with Dad working late a couple of nights. Can you really expect him to move out of his house every weekend?

I know you feel he is being unreasonable, but why should he care if you don't like London? You're separated. His first priority is bound to be the kids now.

Please go into mediation with an open mind. Mediators aren't there to side with either of you, nor is it an opportunity to 'prove' who is being the reasonable one.

I am so so so tired out by all this, am crying constantly in work and people are noticing, something is going to have to go.

I'm thinking about suicide a bit too often I think, nothing I do is right.

Portofino, it isn't fair in this case to play the saintly-mother card. I WOULD die for my dcs.I feel sorry that I somehow have to say that to 'prove' it.

but it isn't as if it's an either-or choice. Yes of course I would clean toilets if that was the ONLY way I would get to see my dcs.

why as mothers do we constantly have to portray ourselves as saints? why does it always have to come down to a total sacrifice? why can it not be realised that as much as we need to relate to our dcs some of us also need a meaningful way to spend our time/ use our minds etc?

I dont' know, maybe I am just selfish and evil, god knows Idont' think I know anythin any more.

Tbh every other weekend doesn't seem enough for me to be any kind of parent. If that's what I end up with I will have to give up work I am truly so cut up about this.

And by the way anyone who wants to judge me for my 'affair' ( I was separated from H at the time but he had made it clear it was over if I saw anyone else) can f* off until they have spent 6 years in a loveless sexless marriage. Which incidentally i DID keep together for the dcs until I cracked and couldn't take it.

mrsjammi, so football is likely to be more important to them than time with their mother....if that's the case I may as well just sod off to Scotland eh? wouldn't want them to miss out team time, so emotionally important eh....

FWIW I really don't think it's just me that has their priorities all over the place here.

agingoth can you get signed off sick from work and get yourself a bit of a breather? You seem to be giving yourself a really hard time, and you seem to worrying a lot about what other people are going to think of you or if they are going to judge you.

It feels too like this is all too much for you to even be able to make a decision about what to do.

It's just I suffer with depression too and I know that when I'm low I am can't make a decision about the simplest things and that paralyses me. I am also my own worst critic, and I start to think people are avoiding me, don't like me, are judging me. When well I feel completely different about things and am off the attutide that if someone feels the need to judge the person they're actually judging most is themselves.

And the trouble with depression is that you don't always recognise what is going on as it all feels so real at the time.

and fwiw yes DH is an arse believe me and I'm not sure I want my children entirely brought up by an arse however much said arse loves them.
He's an incredibly inflexible person which gives me worries about what will happen when they reach teens etc and start being less easy to control. H does not do negotiation.

Someone said something above about all arrangements always being subject to review. At what age would the children's opinions themselves be taken into account?

agingoth - come on love get a grip! Nobody is calling you evil, nobody thinks you're a shite mother. I do think you've got unrealistic expectations of your situation though.

Getting divorced is an awful, awful thing and nobody gets what they want.

Your kids won't love football more than you but they will quite like it and it's not fair that they have to give that up - plus all theother stuff growing children like to do at weekends so that you feel you've got what YOU need. It's not just about you. It's about your kids and your ex as well and they are people not puppets to just do what suits you. I am not trying to be unkind saying that, you are obviously in a lot of pain. I just think that pain is blinding you to the reality of the situation.

You've got a job you love
You've got kids you love
You've got an ex who is determined to maintain his relationship with the kids and wants 50/50 custody

This is a very workable situation and if you won't let it work because of false pressure and expectation you're piling on yourself then it's you who will be the loser. You can work and love your kids. Lots of fathers are away from their kids for work a few days a week. My dh won't see the kids now till Friday night. Do not martyr yourself - you CAN make this work and you need to make that your focus NOT dwelling on how crap you feel.

y thanks dittany.

I am indeed starting to think there is a big pro-father-at-any-costs thing going on on here- the extent to which people seem to think H is ENTIRELY justified in discounting my career altogether ('why should he care' etc- errrrrm, because I am the children's MOTHER and it might be a good idea to try to work out an amicable solution that does not turn me into an unemployed depressive cleaning toilets or whatever? yes exaggeration I know) when he has made it clear in the past that he would personally quite LIKE to move up north nearer to his own family etc.And fgs I am only talking North London if that is all he would agree to.

thanks surfermum, yes I am terribly depressed. I worked for 8 years to get this job,have exhausted myself trying to fit in in with childcare in SE London and trying to reconcile with H, and it seems that everything I do will now be wrong in some way.

I nearly checked into psychiatric hospital last month so yes there is a possibility of signing off sick from work but of course I am scared of judgement, people thinking I cannot cope etc, that is never nice.

'puppets to do what suits you'

AS IF I am treating them like that. As I repeat I've exhausted myself trying to give them enough while keeping work going.

If I was that determined to yank them out os school and up and down the country with me why would I be asking for advice on this.
I'd just be straight into court shouting about my rights to them etc.

It seems to me that I am going to end up H's puppet in all this, probably am already.

I think Northernlurker that you're being incredibly unfair saying that I am making this 'all about me'. I am prepared to give up most of the time I currently have with them to try and make things smoother for them, exactly how is that putting myself first.

and yeah, 'get a grip' is a really useful way to talk to someone with depression, really helps.

y you're right dittany, it seems people just want to judge me as selfish and hysterical.

I don't know what else I can do- I don't want to start hating H as much as he hates me because that will not help the kids. I don't want to be afraid of him either but I am, hard not to be afraid of someone who treats you as a function not a person.

That being said, with my situation being so unusual he looks from the outside like the reasonable one and me the irrational selfish cow.

think you're right I'd better stop coming to this thread, there was some useful advice earlier on but now it's not helping.
I think the time H really spends with them is Saturdays until 5 ish. On weekdays he's out at 8 and back at 7.

Not sure you will get anywhere by wanting him to care about your career. However, since you aren't divorced, and finances need to be worked out, purely from a practical stance, if you don't work, it will impinge on him.

I think the situation isn't as bed as you may think, and without wishing to make personal comments, you do seem like your own worst enemy, and this is where a good solicitor will be able to help. Presentation is really key here.

presentation is a big problem when you're basically cracking up, yes.

Don't underestimate how emotional this all is.

Even if it was all amicable, divorce, sorting out contact arrangements,moving house, and career is all high octane emotion. And it's all happening at once.

I think it's amazing you are able to be so rational.