Residence dispute with ex H: am I going to be reduced to 1 weekend per fortnight?

[agingoth]

Hi all. I am getting divorced and we are about to go into mediation. H put the petition in which I am going to accept.

My big worry is losing main residence of the kids. We have spent a year separated in London doing strict 50:50 custody. H insisted on staying in the family home so I left as the atmosphere was so terrible and went to live in a flat 10 minutes away, the kids being with me strictly half the time. I was very depressed and didnt' have much fight in me at that point.

I work a long way from London in the North Midlands and now want to take the children with me up there where I think they would have a better standard of living. H is adamant they must stay with him because 'this is their home' and ds1 is settled in school (he is in year 2). My 2 year old is not yet in nursery. They have a nanny four days a week.

I have Mondays off to look after them but have to go up to Stoke 2/3 days a week at the moment to work. If they came to live with me nearer there I would be able to finish work about 4 to be with them. At the moment if with H they are with the nanny until 7pm.

i have offered H every weekend promising to get them down to London to him and more time in holidays. He said no and insists they must stay in SE London and attend the school.

Is he being reasonable? Or am I deluded in thinking I can take them out of London/school?

thanks

I do think I'm very likely to mediate not litigate. I can't see that litigation is going to help anyone especially the kids.

That's why I am basically prepared to 'cave in'. What I coudlnt' believe on here was the number of people telling me I was selfish for wanting to see my kids every weekend- and note I wasn't intending to 'drag' the poor things out of London every weekend either though that was the way it seemed to be interpreted.

I do wonder if in some quarters a mother being given exactly the same visitation rights as a man i.e. every other weekend only and no more is seen as some sort of victory for 'equal parenting rights'- i.e. 'it's about time women understood how men feel in this sort of scenario, what do they expect if they want equality' etc? the tone of some posters did come across that way.

babybarrister, careful what you say or the loons will be demanding copies of your practicing certificate

I would like to apologise for my comments last night. I think I was unduly harsh and obviously not in receipt of all the facts. The subject is bit of a sore point with me - and I'd had wine!

thanks for that Portofino

Practicalities: You do know that you can ask for a break in mediation at any stage. Plus, if you are feeling overwhelmed, you can ask for 'shuttle' mediation which means that you and your ex would be in separate rooms with the mediator going back and forth. It isn't ideal, but is an option.

Mediation can be a great solution for a lot of people. Think it's something like 70% of cases resolve in mediation alone. I am not sure what percentage go to court and then come back for mediation?

But don't be afraid of going to court. Obviously it's the last option, but if you are so afraid of mediation failing, then it may not be as effective.

As a side note, I have seen some fairly good amicable arrangements made in the family court with both parties happy enough with the outcome when mediation just didn't work for a variety of reasons.

Plus, some agreements can be a combination of mediation and legal process.

Hi

I've tried to read most of the threads. Is there any possibility of you taking a fixed break from your job a "career break" or something whilst you establish yourself as the main carer and sort out financial/properties?

What a good idea Cargirl!

Can academics get leave for research purposes?

I remember agingoth posts for ages ago before she left the home. I sadly seem to remember raising my suspicions about the way her H was trying to get her out of the house then.......

Sadly I think you have been played.

y cargirl I remember the advice well- stay in the family home don't let him force you out etc. What an idiot I was to think he would ever even attempt a reconciliation with me. He barely spoke to me as soon as I left.

Tbh a vaguely human side seems to have come out since I cracked up down the phone at him, also I think my mum (who keeps ringing him, thinks he is wonderful has told him I've nearly been hospitalised again due to stress) He sent an email about ds1's half term actually offering to spend time both of us together with the dcs!! unbelievable for him.

I really have tried so hard to establish that, if we could be amicable and sometimes be together with both kids, it would matter a lot less who had main residence etc. I have told him he is always welcome in my home as I can see no drawbacks to his children seeing him, unfortunately I did NOT get the same back.

a career break is one option I've been thinking about. I would spend the year as an SAHM. I did think that would strengthen any application I made for sole residency; however, would same factors not apply i.e. they would still be in 'his' family home and resident 50% of the time with him although cared for mostly by me?

I can see however that I would then be far better established as the main carer which has surely got to be no bad thing in any circumstances, plus in that time a job might come up nearer home.... etc.

A break from the stress would be good for you too. It's certainly an option worth considering I think.

I am just so that it appears that I was right, it would have been lovely to be wrong.

Hi agingoth,
You're sounding a bit better which is good.

I was thinking that asking for a career break might be an option that would work around having to resign from your current job at least for a while. I assume from you raising it that you would be financially supported as an SAHM. I don't know what your institution's policy would be on you working during that time, but depending on that, I wondered about you considering trying to make contacts at institutions down south, maybe doing some hourly-paid work for them with a view to them getting to know you ahead of any jobs coming up in the future as well as earning some money. Or there is teaching for the OU which you could do largely by correspondence - they have vacancies in some law courses which would be basic stuff for you and not specifically in your research field, but would be another institutional link and keeping your hand in, as it were. You may not want to or be able to consider these options but I thought I'd mention them just in case.

At any rate, I don't think you should actually jack your job in at this point. It does sound as if the kids staying in London is actually the best thing for now, but that you should certainly have a better base to work from and better access - none of this every other weekend nonsense. Hopefully good mediation will sort that out. I have no experience to speak from there but I really hope it works out for you.

hi dittany
yes my mother's always been horrific. I think she seriously doubts my ability to parent and has peculiar ideas about me based on my childhood and teens.

When I mentioned that in the worst case I might end up with only weekends she said 'that sounds a good idea foryou, you need so much time to yourself'??

she thinks I am insane to have ever left H, a 'good provider' (a lawyer, that was a big thing for her), how will I ever get another man to 'look after me' now, etc etc.

My father flat refuses to talk to me about anything but academic work.

yes I think she is toxic tbh always has been, while growing up she had flagrant mental health issues and is now calmer but still seriously difficult.

Interestingly, I have been doing some reading on mothers who for whatever reason end up with reduced contact with our kids and there is a huge correlation with difficulties with own mothers- I reckon because we lack confidence in our abilities to parent and are easily knocked off course when others start to bully.

sorry def should have put that on the stately homes thread

aging, I have not read the whole thread but i get the gist of it.

Basically the marriage was having difficulties prior to the split
Then top put the final nail in the coffin you had an affair? correct me if I am wrong.
You have this ideal job that suits you down to the ground
Moving the children would be better for you
You don't really want to give up this job as it is so great.
But if you were to move the children well then one would be with a nanny/day care anyway as you wouldn't be able to work and be at home with said child.
The original plan with the job was for you to work away and exH to travel up with the dc at weekends yes? well whats different to you having to do this now? I mean you would have been living away from the dc anyway.

Would it really be fair to the dc to move them, yes children are adaptable but why cause them unheavel just to suit you being able to see them more often?

Personally I would say carry on with your career and YOU make the journey down to see the dc leave them where they are, where they have friends etc.

I can't see what would be achieved by moving them so far away from what they know what with everything else thats going on.

actually LadyEvenStar the plan when I took the job was always for me to travel up with the kids and H to travel up at weekends- because my hours are so much more flexible and less than his.

Because of said flexible hours I would not need daycare for my eldest as could pick up from school. The youngest would need daycare but also, my mother offered to do 2 days of it (forgot to mention that before) and it would not be 8-7 as is when with H, far from it more like 9-4.

So you can see why I thought this was better than having a nanny as much as they do.

Plus, despite what people on the thread have said I hate the idea of my boys growing up in London, always hated it and only put up with it cos H kept saying 'we'll move next year', etc etc.

It's never as clearcut as it originally looks.

sorry I meant live up here with the kids not travel up.

you see, although my mother is 'toxic' to me she is a very good and caring grandmother- so I can't be entirely enraged with her

have been talking to my colleagues about 'disruption' today. One of them brought her three kids over from INDIA and spent a year looking after them on her own cos partner couldn't get a visa. they are the most delightful set of kids I have ever met, literally.

In fact everyone here with kids has moved them out of school or across the country at some point with no apparent ill effects, although I do take on board that this was not part of a breakup still children adapt to moves. Nothing is completely clearcut where families are concerned.

I was moved at age7. i do not remember that being traumatic at all, what was traumatic was my depressed mother giving me hell all the time.

I really think relationships are what it's about not geography tbh. I'd forgotten my mother had offered to do that, that has got to be another point in favour of their 'best interests' I suppose.