Residence dispute with ex H: am I going to be reduced to 1 weekend per fortnight?

[agingoth]

Hi all. I am getting divorced and we are about to go into mediation. H put the petition in which I am going to accept.

My big worry is losing main residence of the kids. We have spent a year separated in London doing strict 50:50 custody. H insisted on staying in the family home so I left as the atmosphere was so terrible and went to live in a flat 10 minutes away, the kids being with me strictly half the time. I was very depressed and didnt' have much fight in me at that point.

I work a long way from London in the North Midlands and now want to take the children with me up there where I think they would have a better standard of living. H is adamant they must stay with him because 'this is their home' and ds1 is settled in school (he is in year 2). My 2 year old is not yet in nursery. They have a nanny four days a week.

I have Mondays off to look after them but have to go up to Stoke 2/3 days a week at the moment to work. If they came to live with me nearer there I would be able to finish work about 4 to be with them. At the moment if with H they are with the nanny until 7pm.

i have offered H every weekend promising to get them down to London to him and more time in holidays. He said no and insists they must stay in SE London and attend the school.

Is he being reasonable? Or am I deluded in thinking I can take them out of London/school?

thanks

Aging am with you on the growing up in se london front mind! oddly enough I won't move away because this is where i grew up and i never really had any trouble.

Hi agingoth, I just wanted to express my sympathy - this is a very painful situation to be in.

I also work in academia and a bit like you, was left pondering the irony of being a so-called expert in human rights who ended up in a women's refuge due to ex's treatment of me.

My circumstances aren't exactly the same as yours, but I just wanted to say that taking the court route is not the disaster some people make it out to be. I chose not to go to mediation as I didn't trust my ex to negotiate fairly (a history of emotional abuse). We both used Resolution solicitors, who were good, and our negotiating took place in the courthouse. We ended up with a court order by consent. It still has some problems (I have a thread in Lone Parents about it) but I felt in a much stronger position dealing with ex than I would have in negotiation. Don't dismiss the court route out of hand.

thanks nickname and very sorry to hear of your problems with ex.

I am going to try mediation but there are some problems. Last time, H got furious with the mediator because she did not agree with him, etc. She stood her ground though.

I will look up your thread, thanks for info re. court.

Let us know how you get on with your solicitor - the 5th Oct, wasn't it? IME it was really reassuring to have a solicitor I trusted who would fight for me (there! I said fight!) and give it to me straight about what I could realistically expect.

Bit late to this thread, but have skim read it and have a few thoughts.

Firstly, I recently visited some friends who are academics at a university near Stoke. They don't have children themselves, but were describing the lifestyle of families on campus. They said the Uni provides family accommodation, there is a primary school either on or very close by, lots of the parents socialise together as do their children, there is lots of greenery and sports facilities on site, help with childcare, flexible, short working hours (one friends works only about 6 contact hours per week, the rest is private research etc time). It sounded totally idyllic to me and wonderful for the children (certainly better than all our memories of SE London where we grew up).

Therefore, if you can try and overcome your depression, perhaps you could put a case together for your solicitor to present showing the advantages to your children of relocating? No long hours with a Nanny, instead a loving grandmother, mother close by, good school, lovely campus enviroment for the boys...

You have mentioned that your ex has family in the North, had a wish at one stage for moving, and is a commercial Barrister. Would there be opportunities for him to obtain a position in Manchester which is only 40 mins away or even Birmingham? It seems much fairer to me for him to move jobs, as he will always work long hours whereas it is the opposite for you which is much better for the children. Plus there are 2 sets of grandparents closer to the children.

Perhaps you could try really hard to appeal to your ex's better nature. It sounds like his bitterness might be reducing. Maybe a nice, friendly, begging letter from you to him setting out your case would be a good starting point (and this can only be a good thing to have on record for later on if you do have to go to mediation/court).

I've gone on a bit- sorry.

that university sounds VERY familiar cranberrie...say no more ;)

Anyone who has visited said place will know why I long to take the children there and out of SE London etc.

I have tried niceness and begging with H, nothing works, but you're right might be an idea to get case down in writing for future reference.

yes, while we were married he had considered moving practice to the NOrth. He is massively ambitious though and basically expects to be in house of Lords. Moving would put paid to that.

However, he clearly expects me to give up or at least heavily jeopardise my career despite how painful he knows this would be (and I do think that putting their mother through hell has got to be a consideration for child welfare reasons- they need a mother who isn't broken imho) and although he knows I've made a lot of efforts to relocate this year.

With your legal knowledge it probably goes without saying, but you don't want to appear too mentally broken in case this is used against you. But fine to say you were depressed and mixed up after the break up (and the years of misery in what sounds like a very unhappy marriage), thereby causing you to make decisions you now regret such as moving out.

I guess it's in your interests to move quickly now, as the longer the status quo is established and the older the children get, the harder it is to change things. Have you found out if there would be a place for the children at the local school, or possibly a private school if you could both afford it.

One more point in your favour is that if you are in a tenured post, everyone knows that they are hard to come by in academia and it is in your ex's interests for you to have a stable, financially viable long term career especially if it comes with a pension.

I hope you get some good advice from your lawyer. Unfortunately, it may well become a full on Residency battle but you do have a lot going for you.

quite cranberrie- have to say after facing the options head on I feel a lot more sane, plus work keeps me going to some extent and i have my boys back tomorrow

y, my feeling is I have left the status quo too long. However, it was specifically negotiated as an interim period at the last mediation during which we were supposed to be sorting out a reconciliation, that period is now at an end.

Ds1 in fact had places at both the local and a private up there- we were that close to moving before the split.
He even spent a taster afternoon at the local school and loved it- especially as there were girls there, lol (he is at a private single sex school in London, not my preference at all)

Is it worth you putting in writing that you do not agree to single sex education in the longer term as this was only ever meant to be a short term thing as you were all going to relocate? It then also gives across the point that at some point their schooling will be interrupted anway.

Hi agingoth, hope you had a nice weekend with your boys. Did you see your solicitor today?

Hi Cranberrie, no, annoyingly as hell nanny (who is extremely prone to illness) has a bad throat infection for the second time in two months so I couldn't go

H has got his sister here who is able to babysit while I am up north this week, but we are agreed that once she is gone, if this keeps happening we are a bit b*ggered. Ds2 would not take to emergency nannies and I hate the idea. Think I'll be the one to take the time off tbh which would support my claim to be primary carer anyway...

I must make another appointment, will let all know what is said when it finally happens. x

Actually I think I'd be tempted to move back in, he can't stop you because you're not divorced and it's still your house.

Reckon you could do that if it meant you getting primary carer status?

agingoth I have been following your story, and I had thought the same as cargirl . Could you possibly move back in for now?

interestingly, the idea of moving back in is the onr thing that gets his back up more than anything, so it must be bad news for him legally....will let you know what the solicitor says re that...H has still got his sister in there atm so there would be ugly scenes if I tried to go back now I think.

Don't discuss it with him, just do it. Tell him you are going to live with your kids, there is no reason for you to live seperately as he doesn't want to work on the relationship. You are getting divorced and in the meantime you are entitled to live with your children in the marital home. If he doesn't like it he can leave until the divorce goes through.

Yes it will absolutely hugely affect his claim as you will be the primary and carer and he knows it, that why he engineered you to move out in the first place!

Actually he could prevent you moving into the house as you have been deemed to have abandoned the matrimonial home.

If you try to move back in and there is a scene (that you have caused) then he calls the police, you'll be out and it will reflect worse on you in any subsequent court proceedings. H will always refer to it and attempt to blacken your name further.

eek what about the fact he got her to move out under false pretencies could she legally try and fight her way back in?

yerblurt/cargirl, there's no way I'd do that without legal advice telling me I was entitled to do it.

Expect it would be hard to prove he got me out under false pretences, although he did make it clear the only way he would consider any form of reconciliation was for me to move out, and the mediated agreement was for me to move out for 1 year amd we could then reconsider the position.

The mediated agreement we made states clearly that the current arrangements are being made in order for us to have space to consider a reconciliation. I wonder if that would militate against him claiming I 'abandoned' the family home? I suspect so.

I do frankly doubt he'd call the police though in any circumstances, he is terribly fearful of 'scenes'.

My alternative plan to becoming a weekend mum recently is to take a couple of years off to be an SAHM with the children- i wouldn't try to alter the 50:50 sleeping arrangements at that point but clearly i would be the primary carer as there would not be a nanny. I am hoping that would strengthen any claim to sole residence I might choose to make in those years, although obviously I would be planning to go back to work, it would be p/t for the first year at least, options H has not got.

Even if it didnt' do me any good in the long run it would be nice to spend that time with them before ds2 goes to school and I potentially have to lose weekday contact with them....

Yes I think it would strengthen your case. Will the family home be sold? In which case presumably would that strengthen your case because you woldn't be removing them from their home. If you were SAHM then there would no longer be a weekday nanny you could have them until your dh collects them on his way home from work.............

yes, I personally find it less likely that after that a judge would agree he's the primary carer or even joint primary carer since I'd clearly have proved that my career is far more flexible, etc.

I've discussed this plan with my Head O School who is being very supportive indeed.

I don't know about selling the family home, obviously I don't want to have the kids' house sold from underneath them even if I am legally excluded from it, so it's not a likely course of action - but I have heard from ex solicitor colleagues that I am entitled to something like the value of my joint share, and if he doesnt' want to sell it, he would have to find the cash from elsewhere for me. Obviously I am thinking of using this entitlement as a bargaining chip; except that, knowing H, he will have already got together enough cash to buy me off (his tactic since the separation has been to throw money my way to ensure he has me where he wants me)

I don't have anything of any value to add but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and i hope you get this sorry situation sorted in the best way possible.

who is in receipt of the child benefit?

I am in receipt of child benefit, also deal with nanny's pay and tax, set up boys' baby bonds, etc.

What material differences would this make?

I really havn't got anyhting relevant to add being totally outside my spehere of knowledge but just wanted to add my support and to say that there is a vaugue possibilility (depending which uni you work) that we could know some of the same people.

There are quite a few uni parents (including law ones) at the dc's school and they seem to manage pick ups etc pretty well.

Cranverrie's post totally describes what I have heard of one particular uni and (not the one where my friend works though) and the local primary there is excellent. My dc are at the private school not too far away.

I really hope you get some good advice.