Residence dispute with ex H: am I going to be reduced to 1 weekend per fortnight?

[agingoth]

Hi all. I am getting divorced and we are about to go into mediation. H put the petition in which I am going to accept.

My big worry is losing main residence of the kids. We have spent a year separated in London doing strict 50:50 custody. H insisted on staying in the family home so I left as the atmosphere was so terrible and went to live in a flat 10 minutes away, the kids being with me strictly half the time. I was very depressed and didnt' have much fight in me at that point.

I work a long way from London in the North Midlands and now want to take the children with me up there where I think they would have a better standard of living. H is adamant they must stay with him because 'this is their home' and ds1 is settled in school (he is in year 2). My 2 year old is not yet in nursery. They have a nanny four days a week.

I have Mondays off to look after them but have to go up to Stoke 2/3 days a week at the moment to work. If they came to live with me nearer there I would be able to finish work about 4 to be with them. At the moment if with H they are with the nanny until 7pm.

i have offered H every weekend promising to get them down to London to him and more time in holidays. He said no and insists they must stay in SE London and attend the school.

Is he being reasonable? Or am I deluded in thinking I can take them out of London/school?

thanks

if she is choosing it, then fine. But seems to me that in fact it isn't her choice and she is being forced to accept it based on her ex's refusal to negotiate or compromise.

Suck it up dittany.
I respect, people for who they are and not because if their gender.
Do you?
Do tell us of say just 5 of the evil gender that you do trust/respect

lol dittany, not sure what Elenor does mean myself ;)

don't worry I am not taking anyone's opinion here as gospel, I have a solicitor appointment on Oct 5th in advance of mediation on Nov 9th.

I am not actually that much of a pushover in the end, it just seems to me that my career is incompatible with a 50:50 split as things stand and it is me who is going to have to choose.

for instance, if I were dead set on both getting out of London and maintaining the 50:50 split I could no doubt give up work for a year or two, sack the nanny and become an SAHM and then no doubt I'd definitely get sole custody if I wanted it. But I'm not cut out to be an SAHM, my work keeps me going and it wouldn't be the right thing for the kids or me. I'm just trying to be realistic.

Sadly dittany I have the feeling that I am going to be painted by H's advocates as the abandoning parent- not only did I move out of family home but I also work 200 miles away half the week-

and it also seems from what I have picked up (NOT from this thread) that the 'best interests' line of legal reasoning will not really give a toss about how much I have or haven't given up over this year or how many concessions I've made, just where the kids are now and whether it would be disruptive for them not to be there - if I choose to be miles away for my job that will be seen as my problem not H's or theirs.

Btw, another irony, I actually work in a law dept so I have an inkling of how judgements tend to work and what tends to pass as 'objectivity' within them, although pretty ignorant of family law in general.

oh Elenor is that level of nastiness really necessary...really...

Glad you know what you're doing.

best of luck

do u have children dittany?

I would love to hear about them

It may be that H will negotiate/compromise ilovemydog, but knowing the man well I doubt he will unless very afraid of something adn I just don't want to encourage enmity.

I do have some quarrels with your strict-equality argument mmred. yes what I'm getting may be what is routinely offered to dads, but I am an unusual case due to the job and the fact that I can be painted as 'leaving the family home'.

It only takes brief observation of most couples, indeed, a brief walk in the park, to see that it is women who provide at least 95% of childcare in this country. Indeed, even I, the workaholic mother who now has a nanny, breastfed both my children for at least 9 months necessitating my being next to them pretty much every minute of the day, while H worked long hours and frequently went out drinking to return at 4am the next morning. When I first put ds1 into nursery at ag 14 months I felt so appallingly guilty that I kept it down to 3 days a week and struggled to do a full time in that time. I think you would be hard put to find a man who put as much into infant care as women HAVE to and routinely do. And with that statement I am NOT impugning the fathering skills of any man or indeed of my dearly unbeloved H, it is just fact that as women we are expected to do and do do more. Whether or not any of that now matters as my H has the status quo now god knows. I can't help feeling it should, as he has benefited from my labour in bringing up his babies and now gets both the house and more of them. But then that's what I get for having independent ambitions.

mrsjammi, the 50:50 split is not sustainable if I want to work and have any sort of career. My argument originally was that H should have to take account of that but if it isn't legally the case, then of course it is my responsibility to find a solution and at the moment I think I'm going to choose to work and try to have quality time with the kids when I can IF I have no other reasonable option.

attachment issues are if a child has never had a chance to make an attachment to anyone in the first few years of life. Not the case here so no relevant.

Attachment disorder

• markedly disturbed and developmentally inappropriate social relatedness in most contexts,
• the disturbance is not accounted for solely by developmental delay and does not meet the criteria for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (autism, retts, gdd etc)
• onset before 5 years of age,
• requires a history of significant neglect, and
• implicit lack of identifiable, preferred attachment figure.

Stop scarmongering, this is not relevant here and not helpful

Please ignore this agingoth, this will not happen as your children have not been neglected

all the family on both sides live up north mrsjammi, another reason I wanted to move to at least N London.

When together with H, that was always the plan, only spend a few years in dulwich then move out for better access to the family. since the split that is all now no go.

Elenor, please don't cast aspersions on dittany's mothering, that is really beyond the pale.

good heavens, can we not have differences of opinion on here without it descending into totally unjustified personal nastiness?

agingoth, while I understand your career is very important, I am wondering why you won't consider a change for a few years. Your ex is being stubborn but so are you. Many women change career when they have children to consider (many men too)

I'd personally clean toilets and relish the job if it meant I was with my children.

As it is, I think you need to focus on the solicitor meeting and then mediation. Be honest in what you what which means not bending over but keep in mind what is best for the children, not you and not him

As Dittany says
'give yourself some credit - you have been there for your sons despite a really impossible situation. What you have been through is very hard.'

Darn right! Get a solicitor to point this out.

I asked a while back who owned the former family home that your H and DCs still live in. If it's wholly his, surely you paid towards it during your time together? Wouldn't you be entitled to something to support a better living arrangement for you? And how much does he earn (can't believe he is more poorly paid than a part-time academic )?

What I'm getting at is that he does seem to be getting away with a good arrangement and I really agree that you need to push this. I'm so glad you have appointments set up. I was to read that he 'will only offer' every other weekend - it's not all down to him, Lord Bountiful, to decide what he is willing to offer! Don't be scared of him - whatever impression the past has left on you about not wanting to make an enemy of him will be irrelevant in court, as he won't be able to intimidate to get his own way there.

How is contact shared at the moment and what happens at weekends?