Residence dispute with ex H: am I going to be reduced to 1 weekend per fortnight?

[agingoth]

Hi all. I am getting divorced and we are about to go into mediation. H put the petition in which I am going to accept.

My big worry is losing main residence of the kids. We have spent a year separated in London doing strict 50:50 custody. H insisted on staying in the family home so I left as the atmosphere was so terrible and went to live in a flat 10 minutes away, the kids being with me strictly half the time. I was very depressed and didnt' have much fight in me at that point.

I work a long way from London in the North Midlands and now want to take the children with me up there where I think they would have a better standard of living. H is adamant they must stay with him because 'this is their home' and ds1 is settled in school (he is in year 2). My 2 year old is not yet in nursery. They have a nanny four days a week.

I have Mondays off to look after them but have to go up to Stoke 2/3 days a week at the moment to work. If they came to live with me nearer there I would be able to finish work about 4 to be with them. At the moment if with H they are with the nanny until 7pm.

i have offered H every weekend promising to get them down to London to him and more time in holidays. He said no and insists they must stay in SE London and attend the school.

Is he being reasonable? Or am I deluded in thinking I can take them out of London/school?

thanks

seriously dittany, do you have any kids?

just a question - yer or ner

It seems the care is shared 3 ways (4 for the eldest as he is also at school) and in fact, at this time, no one is the primary carer

I think the problem we are seeing is these children will be not only removed from father but from nanny (or will she move with mum??) and school. this is a big wrench for a child

aww dittany please dont go, I am a poooooor helpleeeesssss female who neeeeeds your heeeelp!

'I'd personally clean toilets and relish the job if it meant I was with my children'

well i wouldn't...if that makes me an unnatural witch go ahead and light the pyre.

And come on, it is not as if I am abandoning them altogether to go and live in an ivory tower, I would be seeing them EVERY WEEK for 2/3 days and more in hols (that is the least i will accept)

it isn't just my job that makes me want to leave but being in London, I am pretty neurotic (I admit) have phobias about the tube and crowds, often get panic attacks and it's incredibly hard for me to live there. H knows that and does not care, obviously.

i have spent one day at my job this week and it makes such a difference to me- supportive colleagues, somewhere I am liked. All I get in Dulwich is sidelong looks for being a bit of a weirdo and as I said I lost all the 'joint' friends to H when he kept the house and I got too depressed about the split to be fun anymore.

Try asking another academic if they'd just leave their job and clean toilets. I will always keep trying for jobs down South but there aren't any it seems especially in a marginal area like mine (feminist legal studies is not a big pool).

Eightieschick we do jointly own the house and I'm well aware I've got a lot of financial clout. I don't think he's that bothered about the money at all. He is a commercial barrister and quite loaded. His final words when we split after 'you're dead to me' were 'and you WILL NOT take my children away'- that is the priority, he WILL keep them with him primarily whatever happens.

Lord Bountiful is often the way he comes across. He has a way of offering you choices which he has already circumscribed, i.e. aren't I being generous, you can have this or this (but not what YOU want- and I'm not discussing it).

In our last mediation, he actually got angry with the mediator and accused her of bias because she would not agree with him about everything, lolol.

As far as I can tell, your ex is being unreasonable.

You have legitimate reasons for moving up north (family and job). I would be at pains to suggest that you taking up the job offer was a joint decision, and he is the one being unreasonable. As an academic, you have to make long term decisions and can't stop and start your career.

And this is where a good solicitor will be able to help. Presentation and being able to advocate on your behalf. Maybe after the solicitor appt, you will feel stronger?

As a side note, what is it with some people needing to score points with Dittany? I've noticed it gets personal, which surely can't be right?

Many thanks dittany, you have been more than gracious to people who have been quite gratuitously attacking you for not agreeing with them. Ridiculous.

Yerblurt, how on earth is it relevant to a.the thread b. you whether dittany has children or not?

I'm just interested to see if Dittany does have children...

So being an 'academic' is something different to the rest of us working parents? I keep thinking how can we help, what advice can we give, but then you come out with stuff like that and I think you are just as bad as him

Personally, I would give up everything if it meant being with my children, house and job, I wouldn't need to think about it. I would be looking for jobs that supported us and if Icouldn't find one, I'd be joining the queue at the job centre. My career is fantastic, my children are priceless, no comparison. You job is not more special than mine or the local office cleaner

And don't feel sorry for dittany, she manages to upset many people on here with her many bigoted views. I have never seen her talk about children, only her personal agenda

well, I doubt she will feel obliged to tell you, especially as you didn't exactly ask politely...

So in an ideal world you wouldlike to take the children north where they can live with you and settle in a new school and childcare. You would then spen all weekend every weekend taking them south and then going back north?

I really don't think you are thinking very clearly about this and this is why you need to sit down with a solicitor and get their professional view. The situation I've outlined above would be crap for you and crap for your kids. They get their lives completely unsettled, you never get any time to yourself and you husband loses a big part of his role as a parent. Even the nanny gets screwed 'cos she'll be out of a job.

Come on - be smart here. He's never going to leave the house, you have - the house is gone. Whatever financial settlement you come up with it's now his bouse and you just have to swallow him living there.

The cats he bought them - well at least the kids are getting pets. That's a nice thing for your children and it's sad you haven't been able to do that but I think you just have to swallow it. Buy them a hamster they can keep at yours.

Overall custody - you've managed a year 50-50 and I think the cost of you being a mum and having your career is that 50-50. That gives you three days a week to be away at work and 4 at home with the kids. Tbh that seems like a pretty good plan to me. Ok you don't have the kids all the time but you are seperated - that is how it is for seperated parents, women or men. At the moment you have a job you love, an ex who is stepping up and being a father and kids who are settled. What you also have is self esteem and cofidence that's through the floor. That is where the battle is - not here. You need to concentrate on yourself, on building yourself and making this structure work because it really is ok. You can be a good mother even when you're in Stoke and the kids are in London. Just don't make things harder than they already are.

well fine amtooyoung, I am as bad as him, let's just see what the mediator says.

You're a good mother, I'm a bad mother, no doubt. Etc.

Yes, frankly I do think my job is a hell of a lot better FOR ME than cleaning toilets. If that makes me a terrible snob, so be it.

And I've lost the house already. I looked for work that supported us and stopped me going insane and this job was the only one that came up, I took it with H's agreement and encouragement at the time. He even said it was 'our chance to get out of London'. And I don't want to give it up. So like I said, light the pyre.

I never really wanted the house northernlurker, never liked it as the real decay of the marriage dated from there.

He can have it, but I don't appreciate being permanently relocated to somewhere smaller, who would?

The whole point is I cannot do this 50:50 life anymore, it's finishing me off. I am neither a proper mother nor a decent worker at the moment. It might be an easy decision for some but for me it isn't.

personally I'd clean toilets if it was that or my kids.

Having been through separation and trying to be elbowed out of my daughters life and doing the whole family court stuff I'd do anything to keep in my kids life.

agingoth - you've had a hell of a lot of advice, some welcome, some not - but that's a bulletin board for you, you take it or leave it.

you have legal counsel and no doubt they will inform you of your options and how the family court system works in reality (rather than in dittany-world).

I do hope things work out OK for you, the kids and their father. Keep strong and just keep child-focused.

still find it hard to believe that saying you really want to keep your particular job apparently amounts to a claim that you are 'more special than other working parents'? fgs...

the thing is yerblurt it isn't that OR my kids is it. There are compromises etc.I don't think if Ido 2/3 days per week with them and full holidays I can be accused of giving them up. E.g., that is far more than most separated fathers I know do (and in each case that seems to be their choice, usually as they have moved on to other relationships).

i do appreciate fathers run more risk of being completely elbowed out of their kids lives when they do not wish to be, btw.

agingoth you will do what want, so do it...
and then accept what follows

btw you do feminist studies?

hey I am a feminist too

nice one Elenor ;)

thanks all for advice on all sides, it has been fully considered and I am hoping that my solicitor will not be the type to string out action unnecessarily, as that is a worry.

aging, you are flipping all over the place, it's hard to keep up with you

While I agree we need to work for food, shelter and our sanity, how we work to achieve that isn't what matters.

You have a man that wants to parent as much as you do, that is the problem here. Many men are happy with part time residency but some aren't

You need to find a way to make your children's lives easier and co parent in a way that allows this. This is long haul, mine are over 15 but they need us united to continuing growing. We have both made sacrifices to enable our children the most secure upbringing

you have 20 years at least of this ahead of you, you both need to find a way of reaching a compromise

keep a close rein on him/her!

Are you saying that you would be happy with the 2/3 days a week and holidays, and living in the Midlands? If it's a case of doing that and carrying on in the job you love, and being around people and in an environment that makes you feel good, then do it. It doesn't matter what other people think. Better that than being a situation that is stressful and making you unhappy, because that really is not good when you suffer with depression.

You aren't giving them up, your doing what's best for who you are, rather than making a martyr of yourself so you fit into the nice boxes other people think you should be in.

Mums come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, some work, some don't. Your boys will love you no matter what sort you are just because you are their mum.

What exactly is unbearable about your current arrangement? Is it worth just sitting down and seeing what would make it bearable, short of giving up the job? Can you not just hang on in there for a while longer?
As many people have pointed out, your idea of moving the kids to where you are wouldn't actually improve things for you.

I do understand why you don't want to give up your job. It would seem like a bad idea and a recipe for destroying the remnants of your identity and confidence. What I don't really understand is why you think this is being asked of you, or feel you are being forced into it - you're not. Is it so bad for them to live in london with h during the week and see you at the weekends? (as long as you have every weekend of course, that would seem to be fair).

I have to reiterate my point from much earlier. You had an affair, you left the family home and your children, you want to continue with your career and disrupt the dcs by moving them 200 miles away from their lives, and the other parent. If you were a man, you would be well and truly slated on here for this!

OK I understand that your DH is an arse. I understand that you don't want to be away from your dcs! (i can imagine nothing worse!) But you seem to be going about this in a most cack handed manner! You need proper legal advice. You have to assess your priorities!

Someone earlier made the point that they would clean toilets if it meant they were with their dcs. You said you wouldn't! I would DIE for my dd. I go without lots so that she can have what she needs, or even what she doesn't need. I make myself unpopular with my boss as I clear off early to take her to Rainbows. I have a GOOD career, but she ALWAYS comes first. Always.

But when you are divorced you can't be with your kids all the time. You also have to be happy and fulfilled to be any kind of parent - you have to have a life you can live with. The situation is not a choice of whether the op should be with the kids or not, its what is the best arrangement to share parenting with their father. She is never not going to be part of their lives, unless she stops going to see them.