Residence dispute with ex H: am I going to be reduced to 1 weekend per fortnight?

[agingoth]

Hi all. I am getting divorced and we are about to go into mediation. H put the petition in which I am going to accept.

My big worry is losing main residence of the kids. We have spent a year separated in London doing strict 50:50 custody. H insisted on staying in the family home so I left as the atmosphere was so terrible and went to live in a flat 10 minutes away, the kids being with me strictly half the time. I was very depressed and didnt' have much fight in me at that point.

I work a long way from London in the North Midlands and now want to take the children with me up there where I think they would have a better standard of living. H is adamant they must stay with him because 'this is their home' and ds1 is settled in school (he is in year 2). My 2 year old is not yet in nursery. They have a nanny four days a week.

I have Mondays off to look after them but have to go up to Stoke 2/3 days a week at the moment to work. If they came to live with me nearer there I would be able to finish work about 4 to be with them. At the moment if with H they are with the nanny until 7pm.

i have offered H every weekend promising to get them down to London to him and more time in holidays. He said no and insists they must stay in SE London and attend the school.

Is he being reasonable? Or am I deluded in thinking I can take them out of London/school?

thanks

agingoth, how's it going at the moment?

Another thing I thought of is that my academic friends say that it is virtually a two term situation. Manic from October to March, but then much quieter as the exams start and then obviously the summer hols. Another point in your favour I think.

Does Nottingham have any barristers chambers as this is also nearby? Your DH will just have to forget the Lords I think- it would be so much better all round if he would relocate.

hmm islandofsodor I think I may know the school you speak of, indeed may have even bought uniform for ds1 to start there a year ago! Is there purple in it?! (it never happened, a house near the university fell through, then we split up).

I would have been fine with the local primary near the university too, but H is very pro private.

I agree it would be far easier for me and I think in the long term better for the kids for h to relocate, but he is a man of burning ambition, and (imho) a great deal of selfrighteous rigidity, so I find it unlikely.

Atm he has his sister here keeping house and doing emergency childcare for him when I am up north, but that is supposed to be ending in December. I have been thinking that with his ludicrous hours and the pressure of his job (he's had to miss entire holidays before, etc) he's actually going to find it very hard to manage without me round the corner. Unless he resorted to emergency childcare, which I think would not help his claim to be a secure primary carer, if he's ready to palm the kids off on a stranger whenever the nanny is ill or on holiday.

However, I think he is in a sort of denial- an assumption that he is perfect, can cope perfectly, that I am utterly unreasonable and untrustworthy, and that absolutely nothing must change in his life as a result of our split other than me disappearing.

I do hope that a judge will not conclude our current arrangement should go on and on, with me in smaller rented accommodation commuting up and down the country while he gets to sit in the family home with the cats, do the 25 min journey to work as usual and come back for the kids bedtime at 7. It just doesnt' seem right. He is trying to hold on to concessions I made ONLY in the hope of reconciliation (fool that I was...).

Luckily, I looked at the mediation documentation from last year and it's very clear the arrangements are temporary and for that purpose, so I'm hoping that will help me.

At the very least, if he eventually forces me to stay in London I want equivalent accommodation to what he has, i.e. a 5 bed house!! (well I'd settle for 4 lol). And some cats like his, and nice neighbours to look after them while I carry on long distance commuting fo the rest of my life, heheh....

can't see solicitor until Oct 30th (groan) but will let all know the results then....

No we are not purple, purple was a little too posh for us and I felt they were a little too pushy, mine go to the red one. I heard the local primary near the uni was very good too.

Keep us posted.

Yes, it is worth pointing out that one half of the year can be busy busy, but the other offers you huge flexibility in working. Tell your H you are planning to move back in for a month during December, and from April to August next year if you don't sort out something better!
Just posting really to say still thinking of you and will keep my fingers crossed for good news from the solicitor.

Sounds really competitive and has everything worked out, at least logistically, until human emotion enters the equation. yeah, the nanny can do child care, replacing your time, but not your love. He cannot replace a little boy missing his mother.

Sorry you're having a bad day.... (DD is at home with this weird bug. Feels fine right up to the point where she vomits. Poor thing, but watching Peppa Pig apparently make her better )

my ex, yes always has been incredibly competitive.With everyone. I really didn't think that he would do this to what remains of his family though, thought he was more sensible than that....

my eldest in particular is extremely attached to me and I really do think, all considerations for myself aside, he would be really badly affected by only seeing me once a fortnight.

The two year old might just grow up extremely detached from me, which is equally horrible.

we will see what comes of the mediation. H has sent me a number of recent emails in the coldest legalese. When I responded that I found his way of talking to me, the mother of his children, as a mere piece of litigation rather offensive, he responded that on the contrary it is only I who have been offensive (he means by that getting emotional/upset) at any point in the last 6 months while he has 'striven for neutrality'. Stuck up git!!!

He has also heard from our eldest that I have been crying quite a bit (I try not to do it in front of him, but when I'm alone in house he bursts in a lot and it's not easy to conceal it) and states that he is 'extremely concerned' about the effect of this on ds1's welfare. So my being upset about and affected by this shitty situation is another thing he's going to log and use against me.

At times like this I feel that he is setting himself up as the great neutral father figure while I am to be shown as a messy, toxic mother in every way possible, basically because I am a far more emotional person than him. I hate that.
God, I really do hope anyone who ends up judging our case finds him as arrogant as I do....

The more you write about this control freak, the more I think you should just obtain a formal leave of absence from your job and move back into the house asap. Have you obtained legal advice yet as to whether you cannot do so?

I think you would have a very good case for saying you don't think a nanny/aunt are the right people to be caring for your very young children when their mother is available. Do you honestly think he will call the police? Call his bluff (unless you have taken legal advice that it is not a good idea to do this). He is banking that his intimidation will cause you to delay, knowing that every day of the present situation is working in his favour.

Your youngest is only 2 years old. He needs his mum, as does your other child.

hi cranberrie, I'm waiting to hear from the solicitor as to whether this is a good idea. I wouldn't need to obtain leave of absence from my job yet as I still only work p/t and spend 2 days up here. I very much doubt he would call the police but he would do everything he could to make my life unbearable, I am sure.

I really feel I have to keep working until Xmas at least here, having committed to teach, but then perhaps that is the workaholic in me speaking- plus work is the only thing keeping me sane atm...

H is a very very clever, very controlling man and he has succeeded in scaring me and manipulating me thus far, but I do know what he is doing is wrong and therefore am not going to give up and give in any more. If I do take a year off I don't think it will be too late. At very least my being the 5 day a week carer would definitely threaten his claim to 'equal' carer status. What does worry me however is the 'common sense' position expressed by a lot of posters earlier on the thread that taking ds1 out of his school and London would be considered too much of an upheaval for him.

Quick q- if I obtained sole residence while in London and then moved, H could challenge the move could he not?

the other issue re moving straight back in now would be that I would have to physically evict his sister from the spare room!! Which I don't think I am up to nor would it be likely to look good for me in the long run...

Re the schooling issue, I would say it should be brought out into the open as part of the whole discussion. I don't think you could fight for sole or shared residence, and then suggest a school move straight afterwards. I think you'd have to say that you want them to live near you and then have actual, real school places available (so the state primary might be full- if so it's the private but as you're paying already this shouldn't be a problem).

It would look very bad and cause all sorts of problems to try and shift his sister by force, but if you moved in and camped in the living room or something surely she would get the hint and move out. Does she pay rent? It is your joint house is it not, whereas she is not a legal owner?

Another thing is that if you're against all boys' schools, then if he's lining up Dulwich as the secondary then this is one of the few remaining all boys in the area. You could argue that you don't agree with this as a long term option. What are the state/private secondaries like near the uni? I would get lots of info on this to show that you're looking to the future for the children.

catinthehat, Resolution is the most commonly recommended legal option in this sort of situation for very good reasons. Spelling out those reasons to a lay person is hardly "technical." And what is making you think mumoverseas isn't a family solicitor? What part of "I have a current practising certificate" is difficult to comprehend?

Argh, I'm so sorry, this was a looong thread and I didn't realise - so many apologies for posting such a non sequiteur on something sensitive.

agingoth, just read the entire thread and I am aghast - so, so hope that your solicitor has some good news for you.