Can he stop his baby's mother moving away before the birth?

[Sadgie]

His baby mum to be is 5 months pregnant and has told him she plans to move back to her parents home which is rural and 2.5 hours away by car, he doesn't drive. She presented this as a done deal, has had a transfer of office base for her job etc, wants to raise child where she grew up.
She has lived in the same city as him for the decade he has known her.
He is devastated as can't see how he can be an involved dad as he wanted to be now. He has signed up to driving lessons in quite a defeated way, reluctant to get legal advice as doesn't want to start things off badly.
They were in the same friendship group for a long time, never in a relationship. They got together in the wake of them both breaking up with their long term partners. Son thinks she's embarrassed and doesn't really want him in the picture.
Is there anything he can do to prevent her moving? I appreciate she may want more support in new parenthood but as she's planning permanent relocation it's going to mean they have a dad at long distance for the whole of their childhood.

I passed my driving test in 6 weeks at the start of this year. If he’s that committed, he can do it too and it will be far cheaper than three trains, a taxi and hotel.

I agree. I think they’re both in a tricky position and he’s just wanting to be a good dad.

And there is a way to explain that to the OP without all the made up assumptions about her ds and spite directed at him. My issue isn’t the advice (I gave the OP the same advice upthread) but how so many posters choose to give that advice by saying it in the most unpleasant way possible, with no acknowledgement of how upsetting this is for him, or empathy at all for this young man who wants to be a good father and is now going to find it much much harder than he’d thought.

And yes, the playing games with the birth certificate is also terrible.

Back in the olden days, a man was expected to marry a woman he got pregnant. It was how it was done. There was no talk of a man forcing a woman to marry him.

Yes. We all know that. What's your point?

@Sadgie exactly this.
Where there isn't a committed relationship the likelihood of true co parenting is very low.
The mum is taking the steps she needs to assure her support network.
Your DS can still be an involved father if he chooses, is prepared to make the effort and keeps on reasonable terms with the mum. And potentially the same for you as grandparent.

duplicate post

And that was wonderful and led to loads of happy marriages. Not.

Exactly this. From what OP has said, the mother is working very well with the father of her baby and it sound very fair. She's even agreed to a double-barrelled surname for her baby with his name included. She's hardly excluding him. There is no reason to think she won't put him on the birth certificate.

She is also taking care of herself by making sure she has reliable family around her for support. She also wants her child to have a rural lifestyle, like she had, which is valid. She may be well aware that she can't make the father step up, so is going for the safest option for support.

They both should have used protection.

I think the problem there is ops ds and the pregnant woman weren’t in a relationship so she would be relying on his word that he will be supportive, wants to be an involved dsd and in it for the long term - that’s a lot of trust, at the most vulnerable time in your life, to place into a person you don’t really know compared to your own parents whom you know will absolutely love and support and be there for you. She has nothing to believe he actually will be like that - so rightly or wrongly he is going to have to prove to her that he is around and is supportive of her and baby and puts them first even though they are no longer together

My lord I feel sorry for you OP. All you have done is try and get some advice for how your son can be a good involved parent and everyone is hounding you about his sex life and telling you he needs to step up but when he makes a suggestion it's demanding and controlling. CHRIST. I suspect most of you have never been in this situation because your perfect son's have never made a mistake. It is both of their responsibility to not get pregnant and if it were my son I'd be trying to help him advocate for a relationship with his child too! You hear single mum's on here who are struggling to no end and desperate for Their child's dad to be involved then when one is trying to be it's "nothing to do with him". Yes he should make an effort and yes he should support her the best he can. She should move to be near family for extra support but it doesn't mean the child's dad isn't important.

My advice OP is support him to do his driving, change his jobs and build a friendship with the mother and see what her needs are and what she would like. He seems to be actively trying which is really a good start and providing financial support is great too. I suspect he won't have sex unprotected again or rely on a woman's contraceptive. It likely is a wake up call for him. He just needs support and to support the mother.

Also why are people so obsessed with calling her a baby mum. We do know what she means and it isn't because she's trying to be disrespectful she just didn't know what to call her. Give the woman a break.

Mumsnet isn't a nice place sometimes OP. I would maybe seek some advice in real life

All the best x

It was responding to @SuzieGotYourNumber "we're not at the point yet in our society where a man can force a woman to marry him!!"

My post never suggested a man should be allowed to force a woman to marry him.

Second this and @PrizedPickledPopcorn
How your son reacts now and for the next couple of years will tell you everything

Who are you to “him” and what does it have to do with you?

He’s got a few months before the baby is born so he could potentially be driving once the baby arrives or soon after.

It sounds as though they have been communicating ok and it would be a shame to lose that, so it would be very unwise of him to try to persuade her to stay.

This is the most reasonable advice on here!

She didn't ask for advice on how he could be involved. She asked for advice about how he could stop her moving. Quite different things with quite different implications.

Baby mum…eww.

mother to be is moving where she has her best support networks- this is for her to decide, not anyone else.

the father can learn to drive for a start.

He can't stop her moving, no.
Is there a plan to do a paternity test? If he has any common sense , there will be. They weren't in a relationship, there was no exclusivity.
The best thing to do is learn to drive ( as he is doing) and figure out how they will navigate contact when he is 2 and a 1/2 hours away.
He isn't going to be sharing day to day responsibilities, doing school runs in a few years, taking his dc to clubs etc. It wont be feasible. He didn't choose to be 2 1/2 hours away, so it will be a case of working it the best way they can.
Imo, an involved, present father is more important than extended family but the 'baby mum' is making decisions based on certainty. Her family will help. She doesn't have that certainty with your ds and moving now prevents issues in the future, where a court order could prevent her from moving out of area.
But a paternity test is a must.

I agree, Marrying a woman just because she is pregnant is unlikely to lead to a happy marriage. However, if a woman denies a father access to his child, being married gives him more parental rights and makes it easier to get joint custody.

It’s very good he’s learning to drive, I think his idea of a fixed day off per weeek and doing childcare on that day would be very good, allow him to build a relationship and show commitment to the mum and prove she can properly count on him. if the mum or her family can’t put him up and maybe some one could, then he should maybe consider a camper van type thing. Obviously he would need to do the looking after in the mums home ( it’s sounds like they’re reasonably amicable so should be possible) but he could sleep in the van, something could be cobbled together short term.
Long term if possible he should consider a move. I have 3 sons and I would be helping them to establish and maintain a relationship as early and as strong as possible with their child.

Overall I think it’s probably best for the mum to be closer to a family network but this will indeed be hard for your son, the mum will be a new parent and need lots of support but so will he be, and if he is(and it appears he is) taking his role as parent seriously his life will completey change too, and moving to an area with no network of his own will be hard however, I think long term this is probably what he will need to do.

In some circumstances yes. In a casual fling situation no. It’s not weaponising in all cases, it can be the pragmatic choice. Dads can always be added later but not removed.

If you got pregnant after a one night stand would you trust that person to make decisions about your child’s health? Where you can live? Your child’s education? Being able to go on holiday?

People in committed relationships can make their exes lives hell after splitting, nevermind people who are basically strangers.

I find your view simplistic and idealistic. Ideally they wouldn’t be in this situation at all but accidents happen. Obviously it’s better to have children with someone you know well, trust, share values with, and will be an equal partner/ parent but that doesn’t always happen.

He did not ask her if she was on the pill. This is as much his responsibility as hers. If he is so willing to let a woman take all the responsibility for contraception rather than doing one simple thing, what makes you think he is ready for the responsibility of joint parenthood? She will have no choice but to live with the consequences of her actions, but he can drop out when the going gets tough.

If he really wants to raise his child, he can move closer to her. I suspect he will decide his whole life is too important to uproot for his child. She clearly feels very differently.

What? Because this woman is pregnant, she must be sleeping around?