Can he stop his baby's mother moving away before the birth?

[Sadgie]

His baby mum to be is 5 months pregnant and has told him she plans to move back to her parents home which is rural and 2.5 hours away by car, he doesn't drive. She presented this as a done deal, has had a transfer of office base for her job etc, wants to raise child where she grew up.
She has lived in the same city as him for the decade he has known her.
He is devastated as can't see how he can be an involved dad as he wanted to be now. He has signed up to driving lessons in quite a defeated way, reluctant to get legal advice as doesn't want to start things off badly.
They were in the same friendship group for a long time, never in a relationship. They got together in the wake of them both breaking up with their long term partners. Son thinks she's embarrassed and doesn't really want him in the picture.
Is there anything he can do to prevent her moving? I appreciate she may want more support in new parenthood but as she's planning permanent relocation it's going to mean they have a dad at long distance for the whole of their childhood.

Realistically what does being an involved dad look like. He isn’t going to have any overnights is he for a couple of years (in all likelihood )so what does he propose to do to help?

Nah one of our best mates fathered a child where the mother lived over 5 hours away on shitty Irish roads.

He visited them almost every weekend for years or else she brought the child to him to spend time with his family even though they were not a couple and were not remotely in a relationship and eventually ended up married to the mother many years later. That is a good dedicated father.

It's not at all man hating to think it's awful that a man is wanting a woman to make life decisions around his wants, just because she is pregnant. This rather than doing what is best for her and her future best parenting scenario, which is best for the child. Women have a right to self-determination. He can chose to move just as she can.

The baby needs a family and given your DS isn’t it, the mum is dead right.

He can’t stop her moving. He can start prepping for the birth supplying the stuff the baby needs and introducing the idea of visits. The onus is on him.

Is your dad not your family?

Well at the moment they live 10 minutes from each other, his work is around the corner from hers.
He was planning on going after work every working day and picking up groceries, doing bath and bed, he works 9-5 but different days of the week including Saturday and Sunday so on the days he wasn't working he thought he would take the baby out.
He was wondering about trying to have a fixed day off in the week to do childcare instead of baby going to nursery that day in the future.
He has mentioned this to her when talking about how they'd make it work since she first told him.

If it's relevant at all his dad lived close but was totally absent and he has always felt very strongly that he would do things differently.
Obviously it's not ideal circumstances but he really wanted to step up.

Yes I would raise all of the above excellent questions with your son. Is he going to be a hands on 50% active parent with this child? Or does he expect the Mum to stay in the same city as him without her support systems while he gets to be the EOW Disney dad? He needs to seriously think about how much he will have to step up to be her whole support system, if he wants he to be away from her own family.

Im afraid that this is the consequence of getting a casual partner pregnant. If he wants to be a full-time Father then he should have made sure that his contraception was water tight until he was in a committed partnership.

Maybe she doesn't want him going every day and doing bath and bed every evening? Or taking the baby every day he's not working? Maybe she wants some of that time with the baby, or just doesn't want a man there all the time? They aren't married so that would be a huge presence in her home. I would find that overwhelming.

The problem is too that a man can offer the earth and then not follow through. What if he forms a relationship or has another family in future? Or it gets hard, or he decides to move for a work opportunity later? I suspect she is setting up a scenario where she can't be let down, which is wise.

His idea of what he has intended in doing sounds very idealistic. As I said above its very easy to say all these things but it's very unlikely the reality would even remotely resemble what he has said.

I'd be curious to know how old he was to be honest.

He still can step up. It’s up to you and him to find ways to be a genuine support to mum and baby. She might even see fit to move back after the gruelling early years are done.

As others have said nothing to stop a pregnant woman moving anywhere she chooses. The level of control here is totally outrageous.

Yes of course. But so should she? I appreciate she is the one carrying the baby so has the final say. But it's also reasonable for the father to have an interest I think

I would step back and let your son figure it out. It’s his situation not yours. Yes you can be there for support, but you shouldn’t be telling him what to do.

Why can’t he move there? Please don’t say it’s his job. Women have to give up their careers to manage single parenthood all the time so that isn’t a reason. Parenthood involves sacrifice.

Agree, and the proposed visiting schedule is also over the top. He needs to be aware that having a child with her doesn't give him rights over her life and time that aren't mutually agreed and acceptable.

It was suggestions and offers, not demands. I feel like he can't win really- posts suggest he will do nothing and then she I say he wants to do plenty it's too much 🤷🏼‍♀️

He is 28.

What is too much or too little is something him and her have to work out together. You presented his plan for co-parenting that involves a huge imposition on her time, life and space like it was a decision he'd already made. He doesn't get to do that. I felt suffocated just reading it.

He's 28 and looked defeated at the prospect of learning to drive?

And I'm horrified that you think it's reasonable to ask whether you can prevent a young pregnant woman from moving closer to her family. That's shocking.

He wants to be a support system for her but now posters are saying it's too much?

He was with his former partner for eight years, this was the first 'casual' thing he has gotten into and safe to say he's had a rude awakening.

I'm genuinely surprised he's nearly 30. He sounds much younger. Has he asked her what she would find helpful or what she sees as the longer term plan during their discussions?

Christ on a bike, I thought he was 17 from the way you were trying to involve yourself! And he can't even drive?

Back off. He's a grown man. He needs to negotiate with her what will work for her.

She's the one pregnant, going through labour and raising a newborn (and possibly breastfeeding). The burdens she bears due to biology means she's the one with a vote, not him. Mother Nature doesn't give a shit about what's 'fair'.

The problem is that throughout history, a lot of men have proven unreliable. She can't plan around his promises.

If she were my DD I'd be encouraging her to think long term about security for her and her child and move before the birth if that was what she thought was best. She needs to get her ducks in a row first and foremost.

I don't think there is anything you can do. Nor should there.
They are not living together so all the burden will fall on her- she wants support , so it is sensible for her to move near family.
Your son should show willingness to be involved and travel to do so, don't try to make life more difficult for her- that would be selfish, and not in the child's best interest.

He needs to take responsibility for contraception. I can't believe a 28 year old wouldn't use a condom. It's not just pregnancy he should avoid. Ffs