Can he stop his baby's mother moving away before the birth?

[Sadgie]

His baby mum to be is 5 months pregnant and has told him she plans to move back to her parents home which is rural and 2.5 hours away by car, he doesn't drive. She presented this as a done deal, has had a transfer of office base for her job etc, wants to raise child where she grew up.
She has lived in the same city as him for the decade he has known her.
He is devastated as can't see how he can be an involved dad as he wanted to be now. He has signed up to driving lessons in quite a defeated way, reluctant to get legal advice as doesn't want to start things off badly.
They were in the same friendship group for a long time, never in a relationship. They got together in the wake of them both breaking up with their long term partners. Son thinks she's embarrassed and doesn't really want him in the picture.
Is there anything he can do to prevent her moving? I appreciate she may want more support in new parenthood but as she's planning permanent relocation it's going to mean they have a dad at long distance for the whole of their childhood.

She hasn’t denied him access because as per the law there is no baby to allow access to hence why she is allowed to move wherever she wants

I think you have made some valid points.

Being contrarian here: @Strawberrryfields"would you trust that person to make decisions about your child's health, where you can live, or your child's education?"

Couldn't the father have exactly the same concerns about the mother?

I’m sure part of the impact for your son was the fact that his dad lived so close by and didn’t bother. That’s a totally different situation to having a dad that would love to be around more and can’t. If the mother tells the child she’s the one who moved away, he offered this and that but this is how it is, then the child won’t feel how your son felt.

Also, you are speaking about this whole situation like it’s something that has happened to him and not a result of his choices. Of course it wasn’t planned, but men ought to know that women might forget to take their pill. It’s definitely a thing. So he should really have been making sure he was taking an active role in providing/using protection. Especially with a woman he wasn’t in a relationship with.

These previous comments are hideous, all saying the same thing, following like sheep. The best thing he can do is stay where he is & arrange a calm, grown up chat with her about what she wants for her baby & ask can he have access to the child as his father. He has to keep the friendship going at least & not put pressure on her or risk losing everything. The final decision is entirely up to her unfortunately & his only hope is that she agrees. Even if she doesn’t agree, she may do later, so he has to remain unemotional & sensible & play the long game. If she doesn’t agree longer term then he won’t be able to do much & a legal route would be long & expensive. Worse case scenario is that he sends letters & cards to the child consistently & keep photos of them to allow the child to know that it was wanted & thought about. As an aside, all men should know how to drive, even if they don’t buy a car, so lessons are a good decision. I wish him luck.

I meant hypothetically speaking. If, after the baby is born, she were to deny him access to his baby. Obviously, she can't deny him now since there is no child yet.

He has no parental rights unless he's on the birth certificate, and even then it's responsibility rather than rights

No, because this woman was single, she may have had sex with more than one person leading up to the pregnancy. Not a judgement, there's nothing wrong with sexual freedom in a single person. But a baby is a lifetime commitment, so of course ops ds should make sure it is his commitment.

No don't encourage your son to try to control a woman just because he knocked her up.

He doesn't get a say where she lives. She is being sensible. If she was your daughter you'd encourage her to do the same but oh no, your precious son will need to learn to drive, poor lamb 😔

Yes you ARE being contrarian. I wonder why? 🤔

Absolutely not, what the hell is wrong with you? She is the one who will be doing most of the childcare, and she needs family support. Your son can learn to drive and still be involved.
Your son shouldn't be more careful about who he has a child with and make sure they share the same vision, rather than trying to control someone else.

Fwiw I am speaking as a mum who did get pregnant after a short fling, did put him on the birth certificate. He promised all sorts during pregnancy and the early years, wanted to move closer etc - but it was all talk. However he moved when he had a woman to move in with. Just wouldn’t do it for his dc. Despite all this many many years later despite him not seeing our dc weekly and him being an arse hole about maintenance he adores our dc and they are incredibly close and we get on reasonably well - enough to co parent well. But no way would I have considered relying on him in the early years for support and I was right not to. Even he acknowledges that now. It can work if the father puts the work in and proves himself

This. I think that this has a lot to do with the OP being anxious to maintain access to the child.

Re paternity tests - I told my ex if he wanted one I had no problem with that. But that caused a whole other shit storm with his family because they assumed that meant I was sleeping around (I wasn’t) but again, speak calmly and if your ds wants a paternity tests he can maybe phrase it so that neither of them can say different about paternity in the future and it’s there in black and white. It’s all about his approach

What's tricky with the current system is that it doesn't leave the mother the option of staying where she lives for now and giving your DS a chance. Once the baby is born then he does have the power to prevent her moving away whether or not he supports her as he says he would. From her perspective that leaves her at risk of being trapped and unsupported.

Read down the thread. She also wants to know if he can do anything so he can be involved it wasn't how can he stop her he doesn't want this and he won't allow it it's his baby and she's doing what she wants and he doesn't get a say. That wasn't the tone. She just wants advice for her son so he can be involved

Try the mother of my son's unborn child.

Tbf, I agree. If I was a man I wouldn’t want the mother of my child to be someone who forgot to take her pill, any more than I, as a woman, wouldn’t want the father of my child to be someone who forgot to wear a condom.

I know there are circumstances where the pill fails for other reasons (or condoms) but I missed a few?!

It's ridiculous to be ridiculed over using short hand on an informal site. Imagine not calling everyone Mrs or Mr either. The audacity.

I am empathetic to how a father or mother might feel in this situation. A father has very little power. On the other hand, while a number of fathers are total deadbeats, there are also women who can be mean and spiteful by denying a father access to their children.

I think the best he can do is keep the channels of communication open - and reiterate his desire to support practically and financially, and that he would like to be present in the baby's life once it is born. Consistency and dependability stands for a lot in this scenario.

Otherwise, focus on himself: getting his licence, getting a car, and perhaps moving closer towards her new location. This way he is showing her that he is not just a man of words but a man of action. At the same time, respecting her boundaries and understanding that pregnancy and post-partum are vulnerable times for women. Let her lead.

You sound like such a lovely person. Very mature and compassionate. Thank you for posting your very heartwarming story. Your DD is fortunate to have you as her Mom.

This. Words mean shit. He needs to spring into action and hopefully he will and this baby will have 2 loving devoted parents

How old are they O.P?
It's a sad and tricky situation and I feel for your son and all of you. However I totally get why the girl wants to re locate for family support etc, it's sensible of her as she will need it. I know it's not ideal but maybe your son needs to think about re locating if he wants to be a day to day involved dad.

I’m really not! I’m an absolute twat who believes fathers should be involved so I have dragged my dc’s dads (yes more than 1 dad - it’s ok to judge me, I judge myself) kicking and screaming to be involved with dc because they (the dads) were never going to have the excuse that I stopped them being involved. My last dc dad (the fling) to be fair has said he is glad I dragged him because in the early years he admits he was an arse hole but I never stopped reminding him of his responsibilities, I built a good relationship with his mum and now he and our dc genuinely have such a close and great relationship even though they only see each other once a month.

Why was he shagging his ex partners friend? (Likewise with her)🤔

It astounds me the amount of men that cum inside woman and then act shocked when they end up pregnant.

I’ve fell pregnant on the pill (took it religiously) and also after taking the morning after pill 12 hours after the deed.

Unfortunately there is nothing he can do. CMS can take travel costs into consideration but not sure if that’s the same if the mother moves before she gives birth.