Can he stop his baby's mother moving away before the birth?

[Sadgie]

His baby mum to be is 5 months pregnant and has told him she plans to move back to her parents home which is rural and 2.5 hours away by car, he doesn't drive. She presented this as a done deal, has had a transfer of office base for her job etc, wants to raise child where she grew up.
She has lived in the same city as him for the decade he has known her.
He is devastated as can't see how he can be an involved dad as he wanted to be now. He has signed up to driving lessons in quite a defeated way, reluctant to get legal advice as doesn't want to start things off badly.
They were in the same friendship group for a long time, never in a relationship. They got together in the wake of them both breaking up with their long term partners. Son thinks she's embarrassed and doesn't really want him in the picture.
Is there anything he can do to prevent her moving? I appreciate she may want more support in new parenthood but as she's planning permanent relocation it's going to mean they have a dad at long distance for the whole of their childhood.

Then that'll be the answer won't it. If he doesn't bother he doesn't bother. But if he does he does, and can take steps to ensure he is part of his child's life. He's not helpless in all of this, and the mother doesn't get to write him out of their child's life if he is proactive.

Who is “he”? Your son? Brother? No. You, or they, can’t stop her going anywhere. Baby mum is a horrible phrase.

So she missed a pill but it's only lesson learned for HIM. And according to this thread a Birth Certificate is nothing more than a game, dangling a Father's right like a carrot. Never mind the right of the Child to have their Father on the birth certificate and a relationship with both parents. All sounds like a bloody Jeremy Kyle show game.

@Lemonymint "He can't ensure his name is on the birth certificate. That's reserved for married people."

If the mother does not consent to adding the father's name, the father can apply to the courts for a Declaration of Parentage and a Parental Responsibility Order. 1]

Exactly! She had sex too, missed pills knowing that this man could end up as the Father of her Child, and now gets to decide what rights he has "just because" The Child has rights too, and the Birth Certificate is not a game.

Absolutely appalling that any woman might be criticised for moving home when she’s aware she’ll be raising a child alone. She’s doing the right thing.

You know that this lad will be supportive for all of five minutes then carry on with weekly visits while she will do ALL the work. How entitled of him to even complain.

and stop the baby mama it’s beyond disrespectful

The point op is, is she ending the relationship with him and this is her way of doing it,
Can they move halfway so it suits both family's,

Can he relocate his job,
Good he is learning to drive,

Maybe he needs a serious conversation about there relationship moving forwards,

This is a big change and sounds like she's making it independent of your son,

I understand she's wanting her family's support that great, but were does there relationship fit in , if there is one op

No, he cannot stop her moving, who does he think he is? Just because she is having his baby doesn't mean he can control her. I am shocked you are even asking this question.

Honestly the best thing your ds can do at the moment is reassure his ex that he supports her wherever she decides to live before giving birth and in the mean time go hell for leather getting his driving licence, ensuring he remembers he has to pay maintenance when baby is here, have calm conversations with her about seeing baby and any other support she needs, respect the fact that for a while after the birth she will have a lot of hormones flying around, put the effort to see baby when s/he arrives, try and build a good relationship with the other grandparents and reassure them he is going to support their dd and put baby first and keep communication calm and open. This will pay off ten fold in the future. You can reassure her that you support her wherever she lives and you will be a loving grandparent no matter what - FaceTime/whatsapping photos/phoning - it has never been easier to stay in touch and build a relationship. The hard work your ds puts in now will pay dividends in the future. You will see the man he really is depending on how he handles the next couple of years. I hope it’s a good man you see.

There isn’t much he can do initially but if she accepts help from him - maintenance and money towards the pram etc - it will help him if and when he decides to go through the courts. She may find in the future that she is glad of someone to share the load. All he can do is keep trying to compromise as to what involvement she is happy with and then go to court if necessary. It is his child too. He is entitled to be involved and it is great that he wants to step up.

You don't know that at all. All I'm seeing on this thread is that it's ok to play games with the rights of a father and putting a father on a birth certificate is now a power trip, not the child's right. She also slept with him after missing pills, she knew he didn't drive and all the rest of it. If she knew he wouldn't be a good dad then she could have also insisted he wore a condom or whatever. They are both responsible and the right of the Child to have a relationship with both parents and it's father on the birth certificate is not a game.

Well as much as people don't like hearing it, a child needs a father and when I had my babies I realised just how much.

Our kids got something unique from both of us but in different ways.

I am very proud of them and who they've become and their dad played a massive part in that.

The relationship between a child and their dad shouldn't be trivialised and it isn't replaceable.

@FergussSingsTheBlues "You know that this lad will be supportive for all of five minutes then carry on with weekly visits while she will do ALL the work. How entitled of him to even complain."

Yikes! We don't know her son. Has the OP said he was a deadbeat?

Yup, agreed. She needs to move nearer her support - she has no idea if he will step up or how long for. He needs to learn to drive, pay maintenance and generally be there for the child - prove basically that he’s going to be an active, consistent parent.

"but if she accepts help from him - maintenance and money towards the pram etc - it will help him if and when he decides to go through the courts"

Hadn't thought of that. Very helpful advice.

This. So many of the replies are spiteful and unpleasant, assuming the worst of a young man who simply wants a good relationship with his child and to be a hands-on parent.

If he was so desperate to be an involved father, then he should have taken responsibility for contraception when sleeping with someone who wasn't in a committed relationship with him.

The reality is, she will probably end up being the "default parent". Of course she should be free to move to wherever she likes, and it makes sense for her to have access to family support. Your son will have to accept this and find other ways of being involved.

He can’t stop her

He absolutely can be a good parent and a hands on one - but the solution to being that isnt trying to make her stay where she is whilst pregnant or with a newborn. He can move towns/cities to be closer to his child/support the mother.

I do disagree with pp saying about not putting him on birth certificate - children absolutely have a right to know where they came from and that shouldn’t be a battle ground. Of course as they are unmarried he will have to attend with her wherever she is living to register the birth.

Would you actually feel happy if there was a way to force her to live in a town she doesn’t want to live in away from all her family and support? Which you can’t by the way but can you imagine the resentment if you actually could selfishly do that to her?
I suggested if your son wants to be close to his child then he move near to where they live.

The thing is so many dads are deadbeats and this woman probably knows that. It may well be that the OPs son will follow through with what he says but from this woman's point of view she'd be taking a massive gamble to trap herself somewhere with no support if he ends up letting her down.

They are not in a relationship. It's been stated a few times. They never were in a relationship- it was just a casual thing.

And to the PP suggesting he marries her to gain more rights - we're not at the point yet in our society where a man can force a woman to marry him!!

Learn to drive

Ewwwwww baby mum. Just no. And no, he/you can't control a pregnant woman's movements. Rightly so. A salutary lesson to use condoms to avoid unwanted pregnancies. Let's see how well he steps up.

I feel bad for him. I totally get why she wants to move near her family having a baby, but it’s a shame it’s so far away. It does seem strange to move somewhere so rural if you’ve got a supportive father who is already offering money and practical support. How many times do we see men like that offering zero!
I would encourage him to drive though - hes 28 and should do it for himself not just her. When his kid is older it will enable him to do so much more with them regardless of where they are living.