Can he stop his baby's mother moving away before the birth?

[Sadgie]

His baby mum to be is 5 months pregnant and has told him she plans to move back to her parents home which is rural and 2.5 hours away by car, he doesn't drive. She presented this as a done deal, has had a transfer of office base for her job etc, wants to raise child where she grew up.
She has lived in the same city as him for the decade he has known her.
He is devastated as can't see how he can be an involved dad as he wanted to be now. He has signed up to driving lessons in quite a defeated way, reluctant to get legal advice as doesn't want to start things off badly.
They were in the same friendship group for a long time, never in a relationship. They got together in the wake of them both breaking up with their long term partners. Son thinks she's embarrassed and doesn't really want him in the picture.
Is there anything he can do to prevent her moving? I appreciate she may want more support in new parenthood but as she's planning permanent relocation it's going to mean they have a dad at long distance for the whole of their childhood.

That's not necessarily the right thing to do though. It would be far worse for the child if they got married and divorced later, rather than if they were never together and that was all the child knew. Maybe they have worked out and maybe they were one of the couples who just knew early on that they were the right fit (me and my DH knew within weeks). It does sound like this was a rebound situation for OP's son, so maybe nothing to base considering a relationship on.

All these comments about how "he" chose to have sex, well yes and so did she!. I actually think the comments are a little harsh towards the Father here and it irks me seeing "She doesn't have to put him on the birth certificate if she doesn't want to and then he won't have any rights". Yes she bloody should it is a child's life not a game and I see no reason from this post why he should not be on there. Rather than jumping straight in with "he has no rights" maybe give him a chance. Jesus.

You sound really involved in your DS's grown up decisions - so it sounds like the two of you are close. Your own DS's father was useless, you're disabled in a way that makes travelling difficult... if you hadn't had such a great DM support you, life would have been even harder. Your DM was your support. Not the man who fathered your child, but your DM - she's the one you could count on.

And you don't want this woman to move closer to her DM for support. Back when you were pregnant, how would you have felt about being given similar orders?

I appreciate your DS wants to step up. But life has a habit of repeating itself. I know so many men who have ended up doing exactly the same as their fathers - whether in an admirable or despicable way - and I'm not sure I'd want to rely on your DS either in this situation.

You say all their friends are here, but also imply that your DS and this woman casually sleeping together blew up their friendship group. So, not a lot of non-familial support for her, and a lot of hurt that is going to linger for this child's life. Being around different friends - and new friends - may be less emotionally difficult.

This woman is moving. She's being smart about this. Even if you could, stopping her would not be in her or the baby's best interests. You've clearly sacrificed for your own child, so as much as this reality is not what you wanted, part of you must understand and respect what she's doing.

You're also assuming she wants to move. Honestly, from all you've said, I'm not sure she has many options available to her - she may well be moving because she feels she has to.

Your DS needs to look at what is in the art of the possible.

Can he relocate? If this woman has managed to get a change of office, it's unlikely she's moving to a tiny village. If it's a bigger city, there's hope of finding work there.

Can he start saving for this child? Whatever relationship he does or doesn't have with the child, being in a position to give the child a lump sum when they finish school is always going to be useful.

He came up with a very detailed fantasy over how he could help with changing his work hours, doing groceries... but what would she actually like?

Can he ask her what she would feel most supported by?

If she doesn't know, could she agree to let him ask that same question again in X months' time?

He doesn't want to be his father. Sure, but that's making this about him. Rather than brainstorm ways to not be like his father, what does she think he can do to be a good father as himself to this child?

I agree that it's not necessarily the right thing to do. I was just reading up on fathers' rights and realized that if they're married, he has way more legal rights. I was really just looking at it from a legal standpoint.

I get that your DS has good intentions towards this future child but from this woman's perspective they aren't in a commited relationship. She has no idea how well he'd follow through. She has to do what's right for her and I can understand why she feels she can count on her own family more than your DS in these circumstances.

It also sounds like her current friendship network is strained after news of this pregnancy and she risks becoming very isolated if she stays where she is. This could have a very negative impact on her mental health postpartum.

I get why you two would rather have her stay local but it's too much of a sacrifice for her.

The wait list for driving tests is around 6 months, he should do a fast track course. He also needs to look at moving closer to his child, as some people have suggested even an hour would make a huge difference not just now but even in the future. My mum lives an hour away and me and my toddler have done that journey since he was 9m old but he wouldn’t want to be in the car much longer plus it wouldn’t be fair on him.

Shes moving before birth. He won’t get a CAO for an unborn child.

No court will stop her moving before the child is born. She’s being very sensible to move to where she has family support whilst it’s easy for her to do so.

if I was her I wouldn’t be putting his name on the birth certificate either.

No, if she moves before baby is born, there is nothing DS can do about it.

They were both foolish not using condoms for a casual hookup, pill or no pill, but they are where they are.

DS should keep things friendly and arrange to support his child as best he can. Financially and by arranging regular visits in agreement with child’s mother.

He needs to demonstrate over time that he is reliable and responsible.

She was on the pill

lessson learned for him then. Always take responsibility for your own contraceptive and dont be happy to take the chance otherwise you’re willingly getting someone pregnant by not using a condom

The child (when here) has a right to a relationship with both parents. It sucks baby will be far away but driving sounds a good plan. Depending on how amicable things are, he could take some paternity leave and find a place to stay nearby even a campsite, or room in shared place. If she doesn't facilitate any contact, court would be likely to offer that but hopefully can be resolved amicably. Can he do intensive driving course? When he drives he can take you sometimes?

How much of this is actually coming from your son? Or is it you behind the scene pushing him because of what you want? If it’s the latter then this is not going to end well at all for either party.
He is 28 and a fully functioning human being. Why is he not doing this research for himself, organising his own driving lessons etc ?

I totally agree. But he shouldn't wait until the baby is born to get legal advice. Getting his name on that birth certificate to establish paternity is an important first step, so it’s definitely best to start prepping for that now!

Potentially he could.

I think you're getting a really hard time here. Plenty of bitter women ready to blame everyone and see the worst in them.
In short, he can't do anything until the baby is born. She can register the baby without him on the certificate, but he can then challenge that and get parental responsibility and go to court if necessary for access.
Best of luck to you all.

How likely is that to happen given he’s struggling with the effort involved just learning to drive to make the effort to visit when the baby comes?
Who is pushing for all this?

Well, hopefully, becoming a father is the kick in the bum he needs. For some men, it's a wake-up-call to get their lives in order.

But really it is also about YOU wanting something, that is unreasonable. If you ant access to your grandshicl, you may have to travel. The fact the lady lived somewhere for 10 years doesnt mean she needs to stay here forever to suit your needs, especially as she may be getting support from her family she can count on and knows well, as opposed to a mum of a casual relationship partner.

I think there are some harsh replies here but I do think it’s wise for her to think about the birth certificate. Its not just a piece of paper. To give a casual fling legal rights over your child’s schooling, medical decisions, location etc is a big deal.

He can of course take action if she chooses not to put him on but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to add him without question. It’s very different from an unmarried couple in a long term relationship who know each other well and have a proven commitment to each other.

She’s going to need parental support a lot more than anything else. Got to say I think the mental health of the mother trumps everything else in this scenario.

The first thing he can do to show commitment to that baby is to learn to drive now.

He can't ensure his name is on the birth certificate. That's reserved for married people. For practical reasons, if I was not married to the father, I would use my surname for the baby so double barrelling would be a major concession on my part. After all, why telegraph that your child had unmarried parents -assuming she is not a member of the aristocracy? She is much more likely to get consistent decent support from her family. And, strangely enough, you can't actually stop pregnant women travelling. I think you should butt out of this entirely. I realise this is your grandchild but, honestly, the more you are involved the less likely it is you will have a good relationship with this child. If it's any consolation, neither of my children seem to remember anything at all about what was happening before they were two or three. I think your son should focus on what is best for the baby and less on what he would like. It is admirable that he wants to be involved but he has to be realistic. I would focus on those driving skills and maybe, in due course, moving somewhat closer. My people are great travellers so I think he can manage 2 1/2 hours there and back when the child is older. My mother was exceptionally close to her grandchildren but she flew in at various times of the year - her winter break complete wth dog - and then her Christmas visit (we are Southern Hemisphere so our Christmas is a summer thing). She was truly loved and adored by her grandchildren despite living 500 miles away.

Not read the whole thread but I am shocked (although I shouldn't be) at some posters attitude. It seems to be absolutely outrageous that a man would want to step up and be involved in his child's life and support its mother. Fair enough she wants to be near her parents and your son is doing the right thing by learning to drive. He may have to consider moving to that area to show willing and prove that he's been a present and engaged father should he need recourse to law in future.

There are so many threads on here where some deadbeat gets a woman pregnant and completely abdicates all responsibility-fair play that your son actually wants to step up. A child has two parents and I think that it's in the best interest of the child to know his or her father. But I'd leave him to it, OP. I hope that you get to know your grandchild in the future and that it all works out for the best.

I think your son can still be involved. It's also really early days so time exists to work out logistics. As a mum you know how much a baby/child changes a woman's life. It's nowhere the same for the father. If this woman was my daughter I took would welcome her back home. If I was you I'd explain to my son why a woman would do this and see how I could support my son emotionally and practically, similarly to how the woman's parents are supporting her. In the circumstances it sounds like family support on both sides will help.

I know driving tests have a long waiting list at the moment but it's possible your son can be able to drive in the next 6 months. How can you support with this - extra driving practice with you, contributions to a car, commitment to driving him to see the child? A small baby is supported by it's mum in the early months. How needs to think how mum to be will be best supported and how he can contribute to that. Can he do some paid overtime now to put money aside for hotels? Book some refundable premier inn stays around the date the baby is due locking in a cheaper price but allowing the dates to be changed as needed.

You know there's a crap load of sacrifice having kids and your son needs to recognise this, and you need to remind him the sacrifice cannot all be on the woman. Something he should focus on now is strengthening his friendship with mum to be because it's much easier to co-parent when parents have a good relationship.

Congratulations on your upcoming grandchild.

Why not? She had sex with him too it wasn't one way? Birth certificates aren't a game or one-upmanship. The Child has a right to know who about their Father.

My god the weaponising of a Birth Certificate on here is so sad. It's like a game.

While it would be unreasonable to butt in and try to start calling the shots herself, it's not unreasonable for a woman to want to get to know her first grandchild ffs! Yes, of course the mother can call the shots herself and move where she wants but a child has two parents and two families and it's completely unfair to exclude one for no good reason.