Can he stop his baby's mother moving away before the birth?

[Sadgie]

His baby mum to be is 5 months pregnant and has told him she plans to move back to her parents home which is rural and 2.5 hours away by car, he doesn't drive. She presented this as a done deal, has had a transfer of office base for her job etc, wants to raise child where she grew up.
She has lived in the same city as him for the decade he has known her.
He is devastated as can't see how he can be an involved dad as he wanted to be now. He has signed up to driving lessons in quite a defeated way, reluctant to get legal advice as doesn't want to start things off badly.
They were in the same friendship group for a long time, never in a relationship. They got together in the wake of them both breaking up with their long term partners. Son thinks she's embarrassed and doesn't really want him in the picture.
Is there anything he can do to prevent her moving? I appreciate she may want more support in new parenthood but as she's planning permanent relocation it's going to mean they have a dad at long distance for the whole of their childhood.

Sorry you’re having such a stressful time OP. Try not to overthink it.

Why not reach out to the Mum to be and offer to take her for lunch? If you develop a relationship with her, independent of your son, you will have a relationship with the child.

2.5 hours away is not the end of the earth. It’ll be scary to be on her own so completely understand she is going home.

If he is organised your son could at least go down and back every week. Learning to drive will help. If he sucks it up for a couple of years, treats the Mum with respect and kindness, hopefully once old enough his journeys will be to collect them for the weekend and to see his grandma (you!). 🫶🏻

Best thing you can both do is accept the situation and do the very best you can (and be reliable and consistent as well as not critical or negative).

Hallelujah! And he can’t take her to court or any other nonsense like that until the baby is here!

I honestly can’t believe that people think they can legally tell a pregnant woman where to live 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP you should be ashamed of yourself for wanting to control her like this. Even if there was something you could legally do (there isn’t).

Would be great if he does this. And if op develops a relationship with her GC when they arrive and the GCs mother - I bet you that doesn’t happen

It’s not man hating. She doesn’t have a partner, and needs to think how to provide for her baby. It’s so hard to do as a single mum without support and she doesn’t know what your son will be doing. Moving near her family is a really obvious decision, she knows she can rely on them and have support, which is life changing with a new baby. Are you and your son just thinking about his rights to see his child? Have you considered this women’s ability to care for baby and obvious desire for support options? What has your son done in preparation for a baby, can I ask? What has he funded or planned to fund?

Of course he wants his child close to him, but unfortunately this is only a want and is not owed to him. Hes entitled to feel upset about the situation, but he cannot control it

The mother is entitled to move closer to her support system and theres very little he can do about that other than talk to her. As the woman its a sensible decision to make and is likely in the best interests of both her and the baby

Yes.

Youre getting a lot of grief here and I don’t really know why. What’s wrong with a young man who wants to take care of his child, regardless of how they’ve come to be. And not every teenager gets driving lessons and a car for their 18th, shocker!

Your son sounds like he wants to do the right things, but I can see how the MTB is thinking about the level of support and comfort she’ll get from family. It’s a difficult situation but you can’t force her to do anything. Just encourage your son to keep lines of communication open, learning to drive now would be good, and maybe he could consider moving somewhere in between you and her, in time.

Legal advice will just tell him that he has no rights over a pregnant woman and until the baby is born he can't stop her doing anything!

Erm she's not, and never had been hence the awkwardness. When I talk about his ex I mean his long term former girlfriend, the mother of the baby is a different person

This is why, when having casual sex, even if a woman says she's on contraception a man should make sure to use condoms, and at the very least (if he doesn't use condoms) not ejaculate in his partner to minimise risk. Unfortunately he's learnt this lesson the hard way.

Obviously he can't legally stop a woman from moving wherever she likes when there's no baby in the picture (yet), and it sounds sensible of her to move closer to her family for support considering she's going to be a single mother, and it seems her friend group is somewhat fractured now - and of course, as far as she knows, your son might turn out to be a useless co-parent.

Your son's best option is to try to move closer to where she's going to be, if that's at all possible, and to learn to drive and get a car. I'm sorry the situation means that you won't have as much to do with your grandchild as you'd like; that really sucks. I hope you can find a way to be involved despite the distance. These days with Whatsapp and the like, it's easier than it used to be, if you can cultivate a friendly relationship with her.

Op do you understand now that legally there is nothing he can do to stop his pregnant ex moving anywhere?

Well just say that then, not make up daft stuff.

Your son sounds like he is at least trying to do some of the right things. If he can pass his driving test then he will be more easily able to travel and offer help and support.

You need to pipe down and stop talking about ways to control the woman. You can't, and nor should you be able to.

No, he can't prevent her from moving. Pregnancy doesn't alter the fact that she has human and civil rights.

The fact that this idea has even come up makes me wonder what sort of a man this is and what kind of person you are.

Also, as stated by a pp, the term 'baby mum'. She's not an incubator for someone else's property.

I can well see why she's decided to move back to the place where she's safe and has support.

He can't stop her afterwards either.

Well yes, I understand there's nothing he can do until baby is born.

I'm grateful for the few comments that are at least commiserating or supportive.
Until he can pass his test it's going to be 3 trains and a taxi to go see the baby and I have no idea how receptive her parents will be to him visiting and hotels will very quickly become prohibitively expensive. It just is going to be logistically hard for a while. For us and him it's really sad that this is how fatherhood is going to be for him.

I totally appreciate her need for support and some of the comments have highlighted this without also assuming the worst of my son. For what it's worth I was a single parent who had her mum nearby and she was brilliant but equally I see the quite profound impact having an absent dad had on my son and his involvement would have been preferable for me in hindsight.

I imagine things have been pretty rough for her, although my son is very respectful of her and doesn't gossip to me about it. Obviously the circumstances of conception were extremely foolish but there's not a lot that can be done about that now.

There is absolutely nothing in the OPs post to indicate he's trying to do anything but suit himself.

"She presented this as a done deal" Translation - Omg how dare a pregnant woman make decisions without asking my son because he fucked her!

"has had a transfer of office base for her job etc, wants to raise child where she grew up. She has lived in the same city as him for the decade he has known her." Translation - again - how dare she move out of the city he fucked her in!

"He is devastated as can't see how he can be an involved dad as he wanted to be now. " Translation - he doesn't want to move 2.5 hours away it's too much effort and he can't be arsed.

"He has signed up to driving lessons in quite a defeated way, reluctant to get legal advice as doesn't want to start things off badly." Translation - he can't even drive and is trying to pretend that's her problem and also sulking because he's going to have to do what most adults do and leave his public transport/walking bubble.

All this plus she's asking if a pregnant woman can be forced to stay put to suit her son 😆

It's nothing to do with 'but de fEmInIsMz!"

The pregnant woman is exercising her basic human rights, the OP wants to enable her lazy son so he won't have to inconvenience himself to be part of his kid's life. This is irrefutable, based on the information we have been given. If there is more info, we don't know it, so can't comment on it.

@Sadgie
"Family support is one thing but surely an involved dad is important too?"

"3 trains and a taxi to go see the baby" "visiting and hotels will very quickly become prohibitively expensive"

Completely agree with @Thelakeisle26
@Sadgie "wants to enable her lazy son so he won't have to inconvenience himself to be part of his kid's life".

Guess I read it a bit differently. I don’t see a lot of “how dare she”, I don’t see evidence that the dad is lazy, or that “he fucked her” rather than they fucked each other. Not having a driving license is hardly a great moral failure, and he is in fact trying to sort that now it’s needed. He’s presented as feeling sad about the situation, but that seems to me like a natural and appropriate emotional response. He’s offered things that he thinks would be good helpful parenting, I don’t see evidence that he’s unwilling to enter into any discussion about that or is insisting that everything is his way. But he is sad about such a huge and unexpected change of circumstances with the mum and baby moving far away. Why is it bad for a man to be positive about fatherhood, even looking forward to it? Why is it bad that he experience emotions? I don’t see the post saying that he is trying to force her to stay, I see the grandmother (a woman) asking if that would even be a possibility.

Nothing can be done. They’re both doing positive things to start getting ready for the baby - her moving for support and the environment she wants to raise the child in, him learning to drive.

Has the mum said she’s happy for your son to be involved or has she said she doesn’t want him in the picture? Moving doesn’t mean she’s pushing him out but yes it will require more effort on his part to be the involved dad he wants to be.

It’s not what anyone planned but they could still settle into a good co-parenting relationship eventually if they’re willing to work at it. You could also have a good grandparent relationship too if you’re consistent in making effort. Is this your first grandchild?

So, in other words, I made clear points and you can't argue with them so you'll try nitpicking. A grown man reluctant about learning to drive so he can make a perfectly reasonable drive to see his kid is indeed lazy. Or far worse.

He can experience all the emotions he likes 😆 Shame the OP only discusses his negative, selfish ones - "devastated" "defeated" and "reluctant".

When in fact he's not being defeated has zero reason to be devastated and should not be reluctant to learn to drive, as a normal adult person.

I am entirely basing my response on OPs post and the information given, not a daydream I prefer.

The mother of his child will still not be legally imprisoned in a city to suit the convenience of a man who fucked her.

OP, I'm sorry you've had a load of negative comments here. Some people can't wait to put the boot in. Many, many times on MN people RIGHTLY complain about crap/absent dads and now here's one that wants to take parenting seriously and some posters still want to condemn him. Sigh.

Pp are right that your son can't challenge this legally until the child is born.

However, because a 2.5-hour drive makes frequent mid-week contact difficult, your son can take legal action after the birth if an agreement cannot be reached.

One way would be a Prohibited Steps Order (PSO). This is an order preventing a parent from taking a specific action. Following the birth, your son can apply to the court for a PSO to stop the mother from relocating the child, or to force her to return the child if she has already moved post-birth.

There's also a Child Arrangements Order (CAO). This is an order setting out where the child lives and how they spend time with each parent. If the mother moves, the father can apply for a CAO to legally enforce regular contact. The court may mandate that the mother handles the driving/travel logistics, or shares the burden, since she chose to move away.

Tough situations require tough decisions and generally no one is over the moon about them. I'm sure this is not ideal for the mum to be but she has made the tough decision based on what she thinks will be best for her and more importantly the baby. And that is proper reliable support. She doesn't know that she can rely on your son.

But now it's time for him to start making tough decisions. He should be moving closer if he wants to be a good father. If that's not even an option on the table, well then he's not very interested in doing the best he can for baby.