Can he stop his baby's mother moving away before the birth?

[Sadgie]

His baby mum to be is 5 months pregnant and has told him she plans to move back to her parents home which is rural and 2.5 hours away by car, he doesn't drive. She presented this as a done deal, has had a transfer of office base for her job etc, wants to raise child where she grew up.
She has lived in the same city as him for the decade he has known her.
He is devastated as can't see how he can be an involved dad as he wanted to be now. He has signed up to driving lessons in quite a defeated way, reluctant to get legal advice as doesn't want to start things off badly.
They were in the same friendship group for a long time, never in a relationship. They got together in the wake of them both breaking up with their long term partners. Son thinks she's embarrassed and doesn't really want him in the picture.
Is there anything he can do to prevent her moving? I appreciate she may want more support in new parenthood but as she's planning permanent relocation it's going to mean they have a dad at long distance for the whole of their childhood.

Has he started putting money aside for the things baby will need?

How much maintenance is he planning on giving every month?

They’re not married so she isn’t even obligated to put him on the birth certificate.

She surely has her good reasons for moving away and you probably have no idea of the full story.

You might not want to hear this, but have you considered that there could be a number of reasons why she's decided to move a long way away from your son?

Hard decision isn’t it.

Move closer to a family and friends support network where you and the baby will have company, work, friendship and family.

Stay where you are, deal with the loneliness and relentless stress of living on your own as a single parent, trying to work and raise a child, feeling constantly exhausted but possibly having a couple of hours visit a week from your ex until he decides he isn’t actually that keen on fatherhood after all but is getting nasty about you wanting to move away and live your own life.

A father is so much more important than grandparents and other wider family. I'd want to stop her moving too, in your position, but she's completely free to move where she likes.

She's making it difficult for him to stay an involved father, but she can't stop him. So he needs to resolve that it would take more than a couple of hours distance to stop him being a good father. He can start by learning to drive, then move closer to where she's moving to.

He's given her £1000 for a pram and asked her if the £400 a month suggested by online calculator would be ok

I really feel for you ds. It must be so heartbreaking knowing he has a child on the way, knowing he wants to be a big part of the baby’s life but now realising it probably won’t be that way. And whilst I don’t think you or him are deliberately trying to be controlling of her in a nasty way by wanting her to remain in the same area as your ds, you can’t force her, legally or otherwise, to remain in an area just because she’s pregnant. She would be a single parent with no support network, relying on someone who she had a casual fling with who may or may not step up when it counts. And whilst I feel very sorry for your ds, I also understand why she would feel her home town with her family around her would be a better option for her.

I think your ds leaning to drive would be a good start, and I think if they can plan set times for ds to see/spend time with the baby, in an age appropriate way, then there is no reason why he can’t be a good and present dad to the baby.

Is there anything he can do to prevent her moving? I appreciate she may want more support in new parenthood but as she's planning permanent it's going to mean they have a dad at long distance for the whole of their childhood.

@Sadgie What's stopping him from moving closer when baby is a year or so old? All his "support" plans revolve entirely around what he wants, including making this woman stay where he wants her to be. His first priority should be learning to drive, before baby is born. You are far too involved in a 28 year old grown ass man's irresponsible sex life.

I suspect the 'full story' is much more to do with relationship drama than anything else. The mother of his child is (perhaps was) good pals with his ex partner. He's not told me anything other than saying he thinks she's a bit embarrassed about how it's come about but I think it's fractured some friendships and put paid to hopes of reconciliation of relationships etc

Help your son by being his driving supervisor. He needs that skill.

Encourage DS to ask regularly and listen to exactly how he can assist the mother of the baby. It is her call as to how comfortable she is with his involvement.
I hope the child is healthy and that the two can cooperate as friends.

Commend DS if he decides to apply for career advancements closer to where his child will live.

He can't drive because he couldn't afford to and then when he could he had no need to. He's doing it now.
He's trying to sort it out with her and he is accepting of her decision although he's gutted, told me he thought of moving but feels like that would be hounding her. It is me who's asking if there's anything else we could explore, I just want him to be able to say he did all he could.

Still all about him.

She also broke up with a long term partner and may have been thinking about moving back home anyway. You don't know anything about this woman's life or what she is going through with her ex.

Maybe she is embarrassed that your son is the father. That's her perogative too. She could have told him nothing and just moved, but she hasn't.

Your son also has to consider what happens when she likely gets a husband/long term partner. They aren't going to want your son there all the time, as he proposes, and fair enough.

If you son gets a wife or partner in future, she's not going to want him spending all that time at someone else's house either. That's not a marriage. What's he going to do then? The baby's mother may have already considered this.

It wouldn't be appropriate for his future wife to go over with him all the time, nor would she likely want to. He might have to go with the flow a bit. I think the baby's mother is a step ahead in considering all this.

Having a child with her gives him parental rights. It would be great to keep things amicable with his ex but if necessary he could get a court to determine how much access he gets to his child. If he wants the most favourable outcome he needs to do everything he can to establish a relationship with the baby.

Unfortunately from his point of view, I dont think he can stop her moving away now. Once the baby is born he could apply to court to prevent big moves like this although he wouldn't necessarily be successful if she could show that it was in baby's best interest.

I'd suggest he contact Child Law Advice so he can be fully informed about what his rights are
https://childlawadvice.org.uk/clas/contact-child-law-advice/

Also, he has no rights to be at the birth. Mum can also register the baby with her surname and not name him on the birth certificate.

He could take her to court to try and stop her moving away if the baby was already born, but afraid I have no idea if he can before the baby is born

He has parental rights but he doesn't have the right to be there every single day, do every bath and bedtime and take the baby out every day he is off work. He doesn't have the right to be with the mother every single day.

He has the right to work it out nicely with the mother. If he's not happy or denied access, he has the right to take it to court for an order of access.

He could go to court for a declaration of parentage and the birth registration to be amended.

As the biological father of the child he does have rights. It would be much better to manage things amicably but if the mother starts to refuse access then he does not have to give up on the child.

No. But ultimately he could get 50:50

He's never expected to be at the birth as he knew she would want her mum and another female relative they talked about that.
They agreed a double barrell surname and a veto system of first names.
They did seem to be co-operating well on things really and I think that's why he doesn't really want to go in heavy handed trying to disagree with her moving.

He could, though with distance, once the child is in school, how practical is that? It's also not best for a brand new infant.

It sounds like they are communicating and working it out together. Just be a listening ear for your son, OP. If you son needs legal advice, he should get it from someone who can give it professionally.

Again to clarify this was an offer of how to make it work whilst she is on mat leave. Little and often and trying to support her, building up over time to days and overnights etc

What he proposed isn't little and often though. It's every single evening and then taking the child away on all his off days. If she is happy with that, fine, but I'd find it overwhelming.

If she loves her parents and they love her, of course she wants to be near them when raising a little baby on her own. As much as your son might want to be involved the reality is they are not together as a couple and he will be busy working etc most of the time. The best she can hope from him support wise is probably a few hours once a week. Im not at all surprised she would rather be near her parents (And her rural childhood!) Yabu.