Can he stop his baby's mother moving away before the birth?

[Sadgie]

His baby mum to be is 5 months pregnant and has told him she plans to move back to her parents home which is rural and 2.5 hours away by car, he doesn't drive. She presented this as a done deal, has had a transfer of office base for her job etc, wants to raise child where she grew up.
She has lived in the same city as him for the decade he has known her.
He is devastated as can't see how he can be an involved dad as he wanted to be now. He has signed up to driving lessons in quite a defeated way, reluctant to get legal advice as doesn't want to start things off badly.
They were in the same friendship group for a long time, never in a relationship. They got together in the wake of them both breaking up with their long term partners. Son thinks she's embarrassed and doesn't really want him in the picture.
Is there anything he can do to prevent her moving? I appreciate she may want more support in new parenthood but as she's planning permanent relocation it's going to mean they have a dad at long distance for the whole of their childhood.

They were never in a relationship, it’s fairly obvious why she’s moving - because babies are hard work and being a single mother with no family support is even harder.

"The phrasing 'mother and child' usually implies the baby is already here, so I don't think they were referring to a pregnant woman.

@hcee19 "If the father has parental responsibilities, yes a court can stop the mother and child moving abroad".

It seems like they might just be looking down the road and taking a longer-term view.

as you said, they don’t really know each other like that; would you really want someone You don’t really know very well when you’re your most fragile state after giving birth hanging around your house? I wouldn’t.

god it’s such a shit situation all round and I completely feel for the mother to be and your son tbh. There aren’t any winners here. She’s going to be a single mother, he’s going to be paying child maintenance and doing a 5 hour round trip to see his child and it still won’t be seen as good enough as he won’t be there for all the drudgery. I really think the situation is awful and I’m sorry for you all. The poor baby will grow up barely knowing its father as the distance is prohibitive despite what people are saying. He also has to work to earn the money to support them. He’ll be criticised for not doing more, despite wanting to. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wondering if he has the right to more input being the bio father. Obviously you can’t dictate where she lives, obviously she will want to move closer to her support network, obviously that’s all very valid and sensible but there’s going to be a father left out and a grandmother unable to really bond with a blood relative and I think that’s terribly sad. I also think she’s going to be scared and probably making decisions based on that.

This baby is coming into the world and it is up to the adults around it to do their best for it. Going on about contraception or how fathers are regarded on MN is meaningless and futile.

All that matters is everyone pulling together to make this as easy as it can be, especially for the new human being, is all that matters.

as you said, they don’t really know each other like that; would you really want someone You don’t really know very well when you’re your most fragile state after giving birth hanging around your house? I wouldn’t
If you're not prepared to make some sacrifices when it comes to your wants, for the benefit of your child, then you shouldn't think about having a child in the first places.

Some mothers think they don't need a father around, but are too selfish to see that any child needs a father, assuming the father is willing to be a decent parent and given the chance to be so.

Don't be ridiculous.

A PSO is for things like stopping one parent unilaterally changing a childs school, or taking them out of school/ the country/ inducting them into a religion, etc.

You cannot apply for a PSO to stop the other parent moving to live wherever the hell they like.

A judge (if he was foolish enough to attempt to take the mum to court) would want to see that the child's best interests were being put first, but as the single mum needs support from her family to raise the child that would, I imagine, be a knockdown argument.

As long as she wasn't actively preventing contact a court would be fine with this. They are not going to rule that this independent woman has to live in a certain area purely to make things easier for her ex casual shag.

If it's so inconvenient for him, he could move to be near her and the child. Nothing is stopping him, he's a 28 year old man, not a teen who needs to live with his mummy.

My point was in reply to being around to cook dinner etc, in personal time for the mum. Not that a child doesn’t need a father.

They’re both fools, you’re right. But the guy isn’t the mr perfect his mum wants to paint him as

Indeed, and she probably knows she can count on her family, whereas the support from OPs son is an unknown quantity.

When he meets someone else and settles down with her, his new partner isn't going to want him running off to see the baby and his ex every night. Then where does that leave the single mum, if she doesn't get some reliable support in place?

Why should she gamble her and the baby's future on a bloke she barely knows?

Yes and it would be very one sided.

He's in her space, whenever he feels like it. Then he gets to go home to his own space, and the situation is never reversed. He would have all the power. Then if he doesn't feel like it, he doesn't come. I can't imagine many people could honestly cope with having an ex in and out of their home all the time like that.

I did it every Saturday for a few years when my son was small and it was a bloody nightmare, but at least that was planned and predictable and I could just go out and leave them to it. It would have been dreadful to have him turning up when I was in my PJs/ having dinner/ had visitors/was ill etc etc.

One thing I’ve been wondering about is the move back home. While it will definitely give her more support, I wonder if she is hoping her mum will take on a major role in looking after the baby. Is she just looking for a bit of help, or is she expecting her mum to be the primary caregiver?

Someone she doesn't really know - he's the Father! If he's good enough to shag and make a Baby with it's tough shit if she doesn't want him around afterwards the child will want their Father around. Jesus wept men can't win, he'd be called a deadbeat if he didn't turn up either.

It doesn’t matter and it’s none of your business.
There’s no suggestion whatsoever that this woman is expecting her mother to be the primary caregiver of her baby. I mean, honestly what the fuck sort of comment is this.

If you look at the post the one you quoted was in response to, it was specifically about pregnant women, not women who have already given birth. Hence why a few of us corrected them.

He's in her space, whenever he feels like it. Then he gets to go home to his own space, and the situation is never reversed. He would have all the power
What power? She will be dictating when he can come to her mum as she wants and he'll just have to be told and do as said if he wants any chance to bond with his child.

You mean SHE has all the power!

Ultimately, if she doesn't want him in her home, she can stay where they currently live, and SHE can go over to his to give the baby the chance to bond with their father up to the time when they can share 50/50.

That's what would be in the best interest of the child.

But she's not cutting him out of the child life, she's making decisions to make things manageable for her to be able to cope when he is not around, ie the majority of the time.

If he's so intent on being involved, he could move to be near her and the child.

Why should she bear all the inconvenience, risk and upheaval (and moving 2.5 hours away probably isn't what she really wants either, its just what she knows will make a bad situation doable).

She would be a fool to gamble her and the baby's future on this random guy she had a fling with. She has no idea whether she can rely on his promises to help. He needs to prove himself trustworthy and reliable.

So a man who takes court action to see his child is foolish? And yet you would clearly be here calling him a deadbeat shit dad if he sat back and did nothing and didn't fight hard enough. As for the patronising "mummy" comment, that just shows you won't even attempt to hide how much you hate men and grandparents. The poison being spat here is shameful.

I was just reflecting on her sometimes forgetting to take birth control pills and the choice to move close to her family but far from the father. I’m very open to being wrong, though, and she could definitely turn out to be a very involved mum.

The "random guy" she had a fling with is her child's father! Tough!!

Ignore man haters that are incapable of entertaining the fact that sometimes women are in the wrong too.

The situation I was describing/ you have quoted is what life will be like if she is forced to stay where she is, reliant on the sporadic assistance of her ex. He is free to come or not come as he chooses. If she wants his help she will have to accept it in his terms. She, however has a responsibility that she cannot put down

Im not convinced that handing a newborn over to someone else (yes i realise it's the father but to a newborn its just another 'person who is not my mum') is in the baby's best interest.

I don't know what you're so angry about - are you projecting?

What is 'tough'?

Everyone is a stranger to the baby in the beginning, so the Father needs to have the opportunity to bond.