Can he stop his baby's mother moving away before the birth?

[Sadgie]

His baby mum to be is 5 months pregnant and has told him she plans to move back to her parents home which is rural and 2.5 hours away by car, he doesn't drive. She presented this as a done deal, has had a transfer of office base for her job etc, wants to raise child where she grew up.
She has lived in the same city as him for the decade he has known her.
He is devastated as can't see how he can be an involved dad as he wanted to be now. He has signed up to driving lessons in quite a defeated way, reluctant to get legal advice as doesn't want to start things off badly.
They were in the same friendship group for a long time, never in a relationship. They got together in the wake of them both breaking up with their long term partners. Son thinks she's embarrassed and doesn't really want him in the picture.
Is there anything he can do to prevent her moving? I appreciate she may want more support in new parenthood but as she's planning permanent relocation it's going to mean they have a dad at long distance for the whole of their childhood.

If you read down the thread you'll see the baby's mother has been most co-operative and they are working it out quite well together. She's not obstructing the father of her baby in any way. Yes, moving away makes it more complicated, but she's not shutting him out.

Yep me too - pregnant despite the pill, condom (condom split) hence morning after pill. Still pregnant. On the plus side when I planned to get pregnant it happened exactly the month I planned 🤷🏽‍♀️

CMS won’t take anything into account before birth because there is no baby to take into account for a claim

I can understand why the expectant mother is moving to where she'll have a better support network. That's sensible. However, it doesn't stop it being unfair on the expectant father, who's only chance at regular access is to move to where he has zero suppport network and possibly no job opportunties (depending on what he does).

Tbf it's most unfair on the child. Another unplanned child that will bounced around homes because it's parents were too stupid to use effective contraception.

He has a number of months to learn to drive and to figure out how he maintains contact with his DC. The challenge is now on him to step up. Of course it is sensible for a mother in this position to look for support from mum and dad.

Apologies for taking this on a tangent.

A while ago there was a post from a mum whose separated partner moved some distance away. The consultant dad if that rings a bell. Her (legitimate) gripe being that even though he was financially supportive the move meant the burden of childcare rested with her and this was unfair. Many posters agreed, saying he was a shit father and that children needed both parents around. Obviously these are completely different circumstances but if you broadly hold to that view I don’t understand the hostility towards a new father or paternal family that want to stay in their child’s life.

In in his defense she was apparently on the pill, so you can understand his shock. I find it more shocking that she lets a man cum in her and forgets to take the pill 🤔It's not like you have a lingering reminder to prompt you.

I find it mad that a man ejaculates inside a woman with no protection and then his own mother thinks they can dictate where she lives whilst she is pregnant 🤷🏽‍♀️

She is currently pregnant, the less stress the better for both her and the baby.

If he wants to be an involved dad he needs to make that happen.

Sensible for her to move now. You can't stop her. She will need family support as a single parent.

So should she!

Side issue.
As usual in a conception tale we hear details about what a woman did or did not do with contraception. Women HAVE TO justify their behaviour, still, it’s expected.
It’s almost like men are unable to take responsibility for contraception. Or that there isn’t a side-effect free, time of use specific, easily available otc contraceptive option for them.

In this scenario whatever prescribed medications she did or did not take is irrelevant. This foetus exists and it sounds like she has a plan to manage as a single mum. That plan may be good or bad, may or may not change. Hopefully your DS can input to the kids life and you can support him to do that.

I'm not ridiculing anyone. 🤔

I was replying to the OP who appeared to be trying to figure out what name to use, seeing as a number of posters has picked up on the her usage of baby mum.

Baby mum is a fairly frequently used term used in a community of which I am part, as is baby father.

Baby mum AKA baby mama unfortunately, historically comes with certain negative connotations depending upon who it is being used around. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_mama

it's just tedious tbh

This woman is going to be a single parent and feels she can do it best living close to her family. Hopefully your son will soon work out a way to move closer to her and the child, or to travel there frequently, and be involved. He is making a lot of promises but who knows how things will pan out? Suppose his involvement goes badly for some reason, or he falls in love with someone else who becomes his focus? Encourage your son to be supportive and understanding of what his future child's mother needs and wants.

No, he can't is the short answer.

They're not in a relationship. They're not married. The burden will fall on her no matter what he says, and she can't take a chance he might not follow through, it logistically just doesn't work etc. She's moving closer to her own family/support system and has done it in a sensible manner by talking to her job and them relocating her to do it. She sounds quite sensible imo.

If he wants to be involved as a father, he needs to look at what his options are for moving himself closer and learning to drive. Not ideal probably, but that's what he'll have to do. Yes, it's disruptive ... but her life is being permanently disrupted too.

having a fling with your longterm partner's friend is not thoughtful, is it? He's already demonstrated poor judgement in both this instance and doing so without adequate protection. He's a fool.

The man in that other thread was OP's husband though and supposedly committed to raising a family with her, but did his own thing while OP was left with all the hard work. OP's son will be a father through a casual relationship. There's no question of him living with her, only of him building a relationship with the baby and eventually having some 1 to 1 contact as the child gets older. The mum to be needs to think about how she can manage, and moving closer to family seems sensible.

Of course he shouldn't have that kind of control over a woman. What kind of fucked up patriarchal dystopia do you want us to live in?

Learning to drive is an excellent decision. He can work out where it's sensible for him to live in the light of where his kid will be.

I can see that. I think the issue now is she’s making it very hard for him to now step up if she’s so far away.

i feel like you're getting a bit of a hard time here OP!

i understand your feelings (and those of your son).

BUT

it is inappropriate to consider options that limit the practical and emotional support the mother to be has access to - especially seeing as she's not in a relationship with your son.

it is absolutely appropriate to consider what you and your son can do to provide the most practical, financial and (maybe) emotional support possible, while at the same establishing how much support the mother to be actually wants.

the reality is, this is probably going to be a lot less than your son really wants, at least to begin with.

if he's genuinely serious, he needs to work as hard as possible to be a consistent positive in both the mother to be, and the child's lives.

it's probably going to feel unfair and one-sided a lot of the time.

but that's his (and your) best chance of having a good relationship with the child long-term.

if he can manage this for probably 2-3 years, then he'll be in a much stronger position legally, morally, and most importantly with the mother, and should be able to really start to build his relationship with his child properly.

good luck to you both!

This is going to be tough for him, no doubt. But if he maintains a good relationship with her and stays committed to seeing their child as much as he can then it could all work out ok in the end. It is possible to build a really close and loving relationship with a child even if not seeing them every day/week. The child will be able to work out for themselves in the long run that their dad loves them and is making loads of effort if that is the case.

He should go and get some legal advice, its the best way. Don't listen too much to what other people say on the internet as most of it is opinion.

“ this is how fatherhood is going to be for him”

Well that is the result of unprotected casual sex. If he wanted a conventional go at fatherhood he should have stuck to finding someone, building a relationship, planning a future life together then making a baby.

He really does sound very pathetic, the driving remarks, thinking that turning up for bath and bedtime and a few days out a month ( translate this to round to mums so she can cook a dinner and see the baby) is going to build a father child relationship.

I can see why his ex has decided to move away, he isn’t offering much incentive to stay.

I despair of MN at times.

One this thread everyone’s vilifying the father for wanting 50:50 care and to be part of
his child’s life.

On another (child issue in legal) the mothers being vilified (quite rightly) for moving 25 miles away and dictating minimal contact and being told that the father has rights for 50:50 care.

OP your son can do plenty through courts. If she wants CMS involvement she’ll have to put him on BC and if she doesn’t and claims he can ask for DNA test to prove how’s the father and apply for BC to be updated so he gets PR.

He can also do plenty though courts re contact etc.

However, before all that I would get him to try and get her to engage. Maybe through email if she’s struggling face to face and it gives him some evidence.

Another option is if she wants to move closer to her family could he look to
move closer? Even not fully rural but within an hour of where her and his child will live? If he can drive and his job allows WFH or hybrid he may be able to live between the 2 places and commute to work and be closer to his child?

Ultimately he really should do the right thing by the child he created with her. But also I really do feel for the fathers who are expected to provide without anyone accepting that they should also be involved other ways and are an equal parent.