DS (ASD) accidentally broke NDN's house tiles, how do we compensate them in a reasonable way?

[DisgruntledofTunbridge]

(To pre-empt any comments about how awful it must be to live next door to us: yes, I fully acknowledge that WE are in the wrong here. Be gentle though: life with a severely autistic child is almost breaking us.)

I would like some helpful advice about how to compensate our very awkward neighbours for what is, on paper, a minor piece of damage, but for them may have sentimental value. I'm sorry in advance for a long and rambling story!

We live next door (semis but not adjoining to these NDNs) to a couple in their fairly early retirements years, I'd guess. We've lived here nearly 16 years - they have 'always' been here and believe me, we've felt that over the years! Here's a bit of - no doubt irrelevant - background:

We are not their ideal neighbours, I'll be clear on that. For starters, we're a younger generation to them. We have children (one of whom was born soon after we moved in): they are childfree and don't seem to like children that much. We have cats, though they have litter trays and as far as I can tell, ours always poo in our garden (there's a dedicated place for them to do that) or on the 'no man's land' on the other side of the little access lane at the back of our houses. I've tried to keep things cordial re the cats, have several times suggested that if they ARE being a nuisance, that I'll buy the NDNs a powerful water pistol! or that they scare them off. We also have a messy garden. Theirs is not. However, we're far from being the only people round here who simply don't have time to garden. It's not full of junk or anything, it's more like unkempt grass and no-mow May sort of thing. And the dark and shady front yard is quite weedy. However, while they might tut about this, it's not illegal and I'm not feeling too guilty about it.

They are ... quite hard themselves to live next door to. Their shed-mounted security light is often on all night. They do a hell of a lot of very noisy DIY, with power tools a speciality at 8.30 am on weekends. They always seem to have someone over there tinkering with this or that. (That's fine, it's their right. it's not always quiet though) They bother the local council into coming and cutting back small trees and hedging on the no-man's land (trees that were bothering absolutely nobody and were a wildlife corridor) and to spray herbicide on the strip of grass and plants there - again, not an issue for anyone else. They seem not to like actual wildlife (we live at the edge of a small rural village). They're also very hung up on land access and love to remind us that they have the right of access to come onto a part of our property (at the front) at any time to trim their vine or whatever, since these all used to be council properties and there used to be no front fences (??) and there was a 'right of way' that ran across the frontages for access, and while they've had a special dispensation from the local council to buy the rights to their part of this, ours still belongs to the council and therefore they are allowed in, and technically we (and most of our neighbours!) have 'unlawful' fences across this 'route' (that goes nowhere), etc etc. I'm mentioning all this just to give an impression of the sort of barrack-room lawyer one of them can be!

His partner just seems perpetually grumpy. (She may have all sorts of personal reasons to be - I've tried and mostly failed to be friendly over the years - Christmas cards, the odd jar of jam, etc. I don't know her at all really.) It's she who tends to come over with any complaint they might have.

Ok, I know I've been prevaricating and risking the ire of MNers. Here's the current issue: DS2, who is severely autistic and has LDs, and DH, were setting out for a walk yesterday. DH was reasonably relaxed about not hanging onto DS2 on our back drive (aiming to set out across the meadow as usual) and was therefore taken by surprise when DS2 decided to bloody leg it down our drive, and into the mouth of the NDNs. This is unusual (but not totally unheard of). By the time DH had run after him and nabbed him, DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive. The tiles had come off extremely fast (the adhesive looked knackered and ancient) - two of them I think have broken as they fell off.

Obviously I'm really upset for NDNs about this. Regardless of what a PITA they have been over the years (and I know we're not their favourite people) this was their property and they valued it, and it's horrible to have something of yours broken, even if by accident or through no malicious intent. DH had hustled DS away on their walk (I was volunteering at a village event so not at home) and the NDNs were out for the day, but he rang me, and I, horrified, immediately whatsapp'd the NDNs and 'fessed up. I said I was very sorry, and that they should please tell me what we can do to make it up to them by means of repair or replacement.

I didn't get a reply though I can see they've read it. Later on, DH was supervising DS in our garden for a bit and the lovely NDN who tends to be the less friendly of the pair came out of her drive and snarled at DH that she 'supposed he'd be paying for a return trip to the Canary Isles, would he, since that is where the tiles were bought and they have sentimental value' ... DH said, he was very sorry.

NDNs do know our son is severely autistic. They have shown zero compassion for either him or for us over the years, we and he are just an annoyance.* Of course, why should they care if he's got a lifelong disability which occasionally makes him behave like this? It's nothing to them and it's not THEIR fault. It's not his, or our fault, either, but clearly he got out of our control and that's on us.

But I can see that they will be ramping this up into a grudge. I would go a long way to avoid this becoming a major problem. (they have form for blowing up minor irritations with their neighbours on their other side, who have now moved away, and in fact this led to those neighbours having two house sales fall through! Long story) I'm terrified that they'll simmer about this and it'll all blow up in our face, or they'll make it a 'dispute' that would have to be declared to an estate agent.

So how do I compensate them? I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine? I mean no, I'm not about to fund a return trip to the Canaries but she can't have been serious, surely?? I just want to try and do the right thing here, but if I'm honest, I also want to try and get the moral ground too, I want to be seen to have done all that's reasonable so that we know at least that we did all we could. Because I have a nasty feeling this may run and run...

*(Once, DS2 managed to break through our not inconsiderable defences and exited the house and ran into the village. We immediately called the police as we were pursuing him a few minutes behind. The police turned up at our address while we were cornering him in the village. The NDNs went round to our house and BULLIED my lovely older son, telling him it was a disgrace that the police were waiting outside (to be clear, my lovely and then 15 yo son asked them in, on my instructions as we were on our way back with DS2, and they politely refused as he was under age). They said some really unpleasant things to DS1 about us and our younger son. This all seemed off the back of us relaxing our vigilance for five minutes. We have to be hyper-vigilant and locked-down ALL the time. We're exhausted and sometimes - as with all parents of SEND kids at one point or another - the defences break down and my son will take advantage of that. We're just so tired. There's no bloody respite available from our county, they won't even allocate us a SEN social worker because they're like gold dust, and our relationship and physical health is suffering. None of this is of any interest to our NDNs of course, but it's breaking us. This sort of thing feels like the last straw.)

I don't think the neighbours are horrible. Why should the neighbours have a clue about living with an autistic child? He's not their child, what they have experienced is their property being destroyed by someone who is no relation to them. Why should they have sympathy? The tiles are broken, doesn't make any difference whether it was by an autistic child or a common or garden vandal, the result is the same.

I would be very annoyed in their place. Don't buy the tiles without asking the neighbours if they are happy with you doing that. Ideally go round by yourself and speak to them, show them the replacement. If they're happy with that then your son can write a letter etc when the tiles arrive. You should also pay if the tiles need fixing professionally.

Replace the tiles - that is all that needs to happen here. I have some from the Canary Islands, they are everywhere like fridge magnets. Nice but cheaply made and probably from China. That is all you need to do.

Or from the neighbours :
We have lived here ages, we have made the garden nice, just as we like it. We are retired and we like a quiet life. We know that others think our attention to the garden and DIY is boring but we feel it's important to keep both in a good state.
We have neighbours with young children, one has LD. They also have cats who come into our garden. We know it must be difficult for next door but I do wish they would understand that we just want a quiet life. The son broke some tiles that have sentimental value to us, we know it's a bit irrational, but that's the position. We do have some problems of our own but prefer to be private as that's our way.
( I have a son with ADHD and ASD, high functioning BTW. Even he can annoy sometimes)

You sound like you are doing a great job with your kids.
Re respite - its not the same, but do you have a trusted adult (family member/friend) who could come and stay for the odd weekend and help look after the kids whilst one of you has a couple of days away?
I know there change/transitions might be difficult for your son, but might be worth it for your own MH just to have a little time away to rest and not be 'on' for a little bit.
DH could then do the same another time.

I have a 16 year old sevetly autistic son ,they dont become less autistic as they get older
He remains non verbal ,can be extremrly challenging,and a flight risk,
And hss a very limited undrstanding of the world around him.

I think your proposed recompense is absolutely fine.

Looking at the wider context, have social services carried out a full care assessment for you and your son? They have to do so by law under section 17 Children Act 1989. I take it he has an EHCP - what is in the sections about social care needs, and have you asked the tribunal to make recommendations about this? It sounds as if you really should qualify for respite care. It could be worth talking to lawyers with a legal aid franchise in community care.

Buy the tiles from Amazon and either just given them like that or offer to stick them on yourself and use no more nails. Don’t pay for a handyman who will also just use no more nails.

Then forget about it, life happens, move on. Nothing you will do will turn them into good neighbours so stop trying, just live as peacefully as you can.

Your DS broke their tiles - and not accidentally. His ASD is not relevant here. The NDNs comment about where they came from is likely to have been a flippant comment said because she thought they’d not be replaceable easily. Presumably after she said that she said something else about what solution she wanted? The rest is just flim-flam.

This could be describing my old neighbours . The strange thing was that after he died his grumpy wife became much nicer . It turned out she'd had a rotten life and been banned from seeing her family . We became sort of friends and I visited her in the care home she ended up in .

I would just buy the tiles and ask them if thru want you to get somone in to fix them
I wouldnt be buying chocolates ,wine hampers etc or sending around a apolgetic note
You have already apologised and are willing to fix it thats enough.

They sound absolutely disgusting, I hope they move far, far away from you

Well.it is relevant because a severly autistic child will lack the cspacity to understsnd his actions.

This
The context really doesn’t matter
Something on their property was damaged by your child who should not have been touching their things
And certainly shouldn’t have been damaging them

You repair it as best you can and apologise. They decide if it’s enough but you can’t control that.
I would be pissed off if a neighbour damaged anything of mine. I wouldn’t make a fuss forever but it would affect my opinion pf your family.
I take it they are not damaging your things?

You’re doing a hard job, OP and you sound like a great mum. I’d check whether they want the tiles before you spend £50 on them. They sound like the type of people who would refuse to use them.

for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine?

Literally just do this.

90% of your post was completely irrelevant and it’s frustrating because instead of just sticking to the facts, you’ve tried your hardest to paint the NDNs in a bad light to try and manipulate MNers opinions.

The facts are that your DH didn’t keep an eye on your son and your son ended up breaking their tiles.

Obviously you don’t sound like great neighbours but that’s irrelevant too because you could be perfect neighbours and we’d still suggest replacing the tiles.

Don't spend £50 on the tiles without asking if they want them. They sound very difficult and they may come up with a reason for not wanting them and you will have wasted your money. Definitely show them the ones you have found and offer to order them and fix them back on. There really is no need for chocolates and flowers or wine and hand written cards on top of this. That is way over the top for what was a very minor inconvenience. They sound truly awful and if you pander to them it will only get worse.

I'd have absolutely torn strips off them by the way for going into the house and bullying your son while the police were outside. Completely unacceptable

I'm posting in a way that to some extent echoes (some) previous posters because coming to this thread at this time has incensed me. To the posters complaining to the OP about length of post - no, not even complaining about it, actually being harsh and bullying about it - don't bother reading and replying if you don't have the time or inclination. It's really simple. There is no obligation to spend your time reading, then spend more time having a go at the OP. And the same goes for this response too since I imagine this is going to be quite long also!

OP, I felt I understood the length of your post and I also appreciated it. As at least one other person has said, you write well and articulately so it was a quick read. I'm also surprised that (as far as I've seen) I seem to be the only person who's contemplated the thought that you might be neurodivergent yourself, OP, since neurodivergence is highly heritable (whether diagnosed or undiagnosed). Regardless (and it's not my place to faux-diagnose on such slim evidence) everyone has their own ways of communicating and framing things, and you, OP, are entitled to yours. I 'enjoyed' the read (even though it's stressful and sad in places).

In a 'first post nailed it' way, you've already got the right answer. Many responders are right, you've got the right answer and they're also right that you'll never make these people fully happy. You can't change the past but a genuine apology with an attempt to put things right that has taken effort and consideration, is all anyone can reasonably ask for.

You sound like a thoughtful and kind person doing the best you can in tricky circumstances, and NDN aren't great. However to look at things from their perspective on this particular matter, many people would be very upset at this - not just about the tiles which may well be cheap, but about the memories and above all, the intrusion and feeling of impingement of their psychological 'safety' around their home. My mum is somewhat paranoid about her home and it's grown over the years, for a set of psychological reasons I can fully understand, and I think she'd find something like this very discombobulating (but in reality she's not an arse, so if she was the NDN she'd likely be on good terms with you and in reality might have fully understood how this happened hence not been so bothered by it).

My husband and I used to travel a lot and have various items from that era I'd be gutted to lose and would be effectively irreplaceable. But I have to say that in this circumstance that loss is all I'd legitimately feel and under the circumstances, would certainly not be wanting to fall out with a contrite and apologetic neighbour over it. Sadly it doesn't seem like they give a sh** about that sort of thing though!

I personally don't think you're overthinking it, not because I think it's that big of a deal (it's one of those 'it both is and isn't a big deal' scenarios, to me) but because you're rightly (given all the context) concerned that this could be a negative turning point in your relationship and seeking to prevent that, recognising the disproportionately negative impacts of falling out with your neighbours. This is perfectly reasonable. However others, including some who've been quite harsh, are IMO right that you can't actually change the people they are and if, even after your apology and attempt at rectification, this becomes the trigger point, then reality is something was always going to be at some point. So for your own peace of mind, developing more of a 'I can only do what I can do' attitude if possible would be protective of your own feelings.

As a final point - I do wish people in general would live and let live a bit more. True of so many things (including relations with neighbours) but also true on Mumsnet and online generally. Seriously, it's clear the OP isn't an axe murderer, and equally clear she's got many challenges in her life and was upset. It didn't need a pile-on of personal digs.

This.

Every word. There is no point in adding to your stress by ruminating on your NDN's peculiarities.

I think the detail is necessary as it gets across the sense OP must have of constantly walking on eggshells with such difficult neighbours.

OP I really feel for you and honestly I don’t know what more you could do over what you’ve suggested.

This is a pretty sad state of affairs all round, you’ve obviously got a lot on your plate and I imagine living with the constant worry about offending your neighbours must make life so much more difficult. Sad that they aren’t able to see that a kind word or a bit of understanding would make things better for everyone.

You sound very kind and thoughtful, your idea is perfect, you should do that, and then allow yourself to put it behind you best you can. You won't change them, they are clearly bananas.

There's no bill, small tiles glued to a wooden board.

Exactly, first post says it all.
You have bent over backwards to keep the neighbours happy. Most normal people know that all kids can behave unexpectedly sometimes let alone one with your son’s challenges. This fixes the damage and then maintain polite distance.

I think what you've offered is fine.
If the husband brings up the Canary island trip I'd offer to go halves, say you'll pay for the outward journey on Ryan air but not the return flight.

Oh god, some of you have made me cry (in a good, if rather pathetic, way)! Thank you for all your understanding and compassion, and for gently helping me see that I'm massively overthinking this. Yes, a reasonable person WOULD just do a 'like for like', bottle of wine as a smoother, and leave it at that. And a reasonable neighbour would see that this was a nice and proportionate thing to do, and leave it at that.

Let's hope it works.

And please may I apologise for the verbosity? I have a problem with that, which wasn't really reined in this morning as I'd been woken by the cat being sick at 5.30 and then just lain there and angsted. Thanks for bearing with.

I’ve not read all the replies but only imagine they’re all going to be along the lines of replace the tiles and don’t be tugging your fore lock to these wankers.
Accidents happen it sounds as though the tiles could’ve fallen off at any moment and your son just helped them along their way
Don’t get too stressed about it you’ve got enough on your plate