My 2 year old daughter being relocated

[Ffhffjf]

Im a dad of a 2 year old, and not really sure where to seek advice. Beginning of the year we relocated for my partners job- I found a new job here, and shortly after was asked to move out

for the past 4 months iv been living in a house share so our current arrangement has been
Week 1 - Monday Wednesday after my work I have my daughter at the mums house. Then Friday overnight until Sunday 3pm at the house ( during the warmer weeks I usually took her to the park or for a walk during the week) over the weekend i bring all food needed and extra for the week, I take her out every weekend and the mum is away

week 2- Tuesday Thursday after work Sunday 3pm- bedtime

so anyway I pay child maintenance i actually pay 16% of my wage slightly more than the minimum,
I do really well as a dad my daughter adores me, she loves spending time with me and when I’m there doesn’t want anyone else just her daddy.

im moving into my own place January 1st so the contact can shift I’ll probably not be able to have her over night on all my week nights as Im an engineer snd start work sometimes at 4am

my ex has now decided she wants to move to London which is depending where in London about 2 hours one way from where I live and around 2:30 from my work.

her reasons she gave me is there is more to do for my daughter like museums and parks- theres Facebook groups for like minded single mums- shes closer to her parents ( they live in France but it’s a direct flight rather than a 2 Hour drive and a direct flight hey )
she feels isolated where we live and thinks living in London would make her a better mum- she also says because I only pop in and are deluded thinking I do almost 50% ( because she picks her up some week nights from nursery and I arrive about an hour after that apparently I just pop round and am a dad when I want to be
iv never cancelled a visit I always come up with fun things to do, I have covered two extra weekends, 3 occasions where the child minder was sick I basically had my daughter then made up my work hours from 4:30pm till midnight

so I just don’t know where I stand with this like surely you cant just reduce my contact to what would essentially be every other weekend ? I do everything to see my daughter as much as possible often working from home when I can so that I can finish early during week and have her for longer. I don’t see her thinking moving would benefit her mental health as a reason.

and of course now shes started down the route that the relationship was abusive was litterally never mentioned until she was justifying the break up to other people. The alleged abuse is that iv called her an idiot in arguments before and apparently I pushed her 4 years ago.

she has regular phone conversations with a councillor, a psychologist and also a domestic abuse charity- who are going to set up a mediator apparently

I just don’t understand how someone can she claim that I just pop in I see my daughter as much as I reasonably can.

she also says that shes allowed me to use her house- and I take advantage because over the weekend I used a teabag and it was the last one and didn’t replace it- we were together for 4 years and she never once drank a cup of tea.
but anyway I originally said I’d collect my daughter from her house on my days and bring her back so that I didn’t need to use her house ( after the abuse claims began) and was met with message after message how this isn’t fair how it makes her house bound how she can’t go see friends or go drinking or go food shopping ( children are allowed in the supermarket )

so I agreed to have her at the house. I just don’t understand why these medical professionals shes talking to according to her agree with this nonsense. She believes me saying I don’t want her to move my daughter away and reduce my contact time is me controlling her. I don’t care what she does but she says being a mother doesn’t fulfill her that’s why she needs to move as there will be more for her to do ( she now tries to link it to my daughter but originally it was about her )

sorry if this seems a rant i absolutly love my daughter shes my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me and just feel like iv spent months jumping through hoops to maintain my contact with her for her mum to just move her away from me

on a final note she had no job lined up in London but is a teacher so a role that relocating is easier

Quite

It's not a 'difference of opinion'

OP came here with a perfectly reasonable question about what he could do about his ex-partner wanting to move to London 2+ hours away

But instead of responding to that you and your mates have put up a barrage of criticism and offense on all manner of irrelevant topics

Maybe try and keep on topic and stop de-railing the thread - and stop harassing the OP

You're wrong and deliberately twisting the argument . This man is not doing anything wrong.

I've been thinking exactly the same.

"But I have to be able to work"

Well @Ffhffjf if necessary, you arrange childcare for when it's your turn to have your DD and you are at work. Just like every working parent does. You don't just decide that you can't have your DD because of your work.

Maybe stop harassing me 🤣🤣🤣

I would also be wary of her eventually trying to take your dd to france. The prohibitive steps order would be a good idea to do now anyway. And I agree with you, you can’t keep following your ex around. It sounds as if she struggles to settle and now that you’re parents, your dd needs stability.

Yes.
That is abusive.

Stop posting nonsense and posters won't challenge you.

What a ridiculous answer! Why on earth should he do that?

Right back at you 🤷‍♂️

Why on earth would they pay for childcare when the mum works very part time? Maybe you'd have a point if they both worked the same hours.

And the OP absolutely denies it happened

How about you stop de-railing the thread and respond to the OP's question about about his ex moving to London??

I'm not the one throwing about baseless accusations that the OP is being defensive and aggressive just to stir the pot and then complaining that posters are harassing me.

Yes very funny aren't you

I’ve not read all the replies but as a professional working in private law cases you need to apply to court for prohibited steps and child arrangements orders. You don’t need a solicitor. The court will order Cafcass safeguarding checks and will decide on what is best for your child.

Agree there must be some concern about the ex leaving the country with the child which could helpfully also be explored during a Prohibited steps hearing - ex sounds very 'un-settled'

You don’t need a solicitor. You can do it all yourself. I have had to do a lot myself inc child arrangements order and non mols. I use chat cot a lot to help me fill in the forms & understand the process. My ex also did it himself when he challenged me. Just saying it’s a well documented process so possibly me without solicitors

OP just ignore all the posters trying to twist your words and make up their own stories. Everything you say will be wrong because you're a man.
Don't feed them.

Read up on representing yourself in court and try and get the prohibited steps order. It's totally unreasonable of your ex to keep moving around and uprooting your daughter and expecting you to accommodate it.
She's young now but she will need stability and both parents as she gets older.

Wow. The projecting of posters’ own insecurities and the general vindictiveness on this thread is a bit mind blowing. I guess sometimes the broader MN community finds its way to legal…

OP, this is all fresh to you and you are clearly trying your best. As others have said, apply for a prohibited steps order and you can represent yourself. Be clear about what you have been doing to date and why, the discussions around what it will look like (or does look like) from January and what you want in terms of custody. You have what appears from what you have said to have a good case.

She won't be able to afford to live in London as a single parent teacher, unless she has other financial support.

That doesn't really wash OP. Her mother has to work too. She's right that you're cherry picking the bits you want and leaving her with the grunt work.

I agree your ex sounds like a bit of a dickhead, but you have to play the game. On your evenings for access you need to be collecting from school and if you're doing bedtime then that means having her overnight and you drop to school in the morning.

If that means using childcare or having a nanny then that's what you do.

If it means giving up your career (like so many mums end up doing) and doing a job that's lower paid that you dislike, because it comes with more family-friendly hours, then that's what you do.

It's called being a parent and taking full responsibility for yourself and your child. At the moment, you're relying on your ex to facilitate your access - and that's not on, really.

If you're in dispute with your ex about where she wants to live and you can't reach agreement, then you go to court about it. If you can't afford a solicitor then you learn the law as best you can and represent yourself. There's no way to resolve these disputes without going to court, so complaining about that is pointless. It's part of what you have to do to be a good parent.

Stop worrying about what your ex is doing or what she's telling people, you can't control that so focus on your own life.

Having your DD at her house was really never going to work. It's a huge imposition. I feel for you that she's convinced you to move and then ended the relationship, sounds like she should have been honest with herself too and ended it before you uprooted yourself to go with her. But perhaps she didn't know at that point, people are indecisive and ending the relationship with your child's father isn't something most women take lightly. They usually consider there to be real problems that they just can't put up with any more, before they take such a huge life altering step. Shit happens OP and it's done now. You are where you are and you've just got to deal with it.

You need to mentally split up from her, you're still mentally connected at the moment. It's not your ex's problem that you couldn't have DD overnight because you lived in a house share or didn't have anywhere to take her that wasn't her house in bad weather. She was generous in allowing that, she didn't have to.

She's also not wrong about being a better mother if she's feeling more fulfilled in life and not perpetually lonely and miserable. So in that respect moving could be the best thing for your DD, since she lives full time with her mum and always has. You're definitely not doing 50% when you're not doing overnights.

EOW would be a step up, in terms of commitment, from where you are now with the situation of coming round your ex's house all the time to see DD. You are "just popping in" all the time, albeit for lengthy periods of time. The fact that you think this is ok and haven't considered that she broke up with you and most likely wants space away from you and for her home to feel like her's (which it won't with her ex constantly around!) so she can move on from the relationship properly, points towards a bit of selfishness and thoughtlessness on your part. She's your ex now, she owes you nothing.

If you want more than EOW then you go to court to lay out your case for why they shouldn't move so far away. Whining about its not fair isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to step up.

Maybe you need to consider whether to go into debt for this? I'd be careful though because it could just be a waste of money. If she's saying you're abusive, whether you think you are or not, you're playing into her hands by trying to prevent her moving away because it does look controlling, whether that's your intention or not you would be having an effect on her life by preventing a move.

On top of that, you don't sound in a position to actually have your DD more than EOW even if she lived closer. If you're having her one evening you need to be having her properly and completely with all that entails. Not cherry picking the nice bit of spending downtime together with DD after her mum has done the school pickup and before mum does bedtime, and breakfast and school drop-off next morning, tieing her to the house permanently and preventing her having a social life.

But it’s not my turn to have my daughter because that isn’t what our agreement states ?
so why would I get childcare when I don’t have her ??
the last 2 years of paying for childcare whilst the mum didn’t work. Whilst I worked and studied full time.

I don’t work weekends. She goes to nursery while her mum works and 85% of that is paid by universal credit

but if I want to work and provide for my daughter i have to pay for it all ? Even though the mum isn’t working. You realise me working less negatively impacts everyone

OP just get a solicitor and know your rights. People on here are just deliberately having a go at you for their own perverse reasons. You can get a half hour free and get advice from them about who else can help you with information. Fight for your rights.

You keep saying you're 'giving her a break'. The language implies you think you're doing her a favour by not making her have to be a single parent.

I can't imagine a mum saying she was giving her ex husband a 'break' when she had custody of her own children.

Stop being so defensive.

People are being harsh for no reason. Of course you shouldn’t be expected to follow her every time she moves. The schedule does sound confusing though, it’ll be much better once you have your own property and can arrange to have her certain nights of the week.

As PP said speak to a solicitor, you should be able to access 30 mins free advice.