My 2 year old daughter being relocated

[Ffhffjf]

Im a dad of a 2 year old, and not really sure where to seek advice. Beginning of the year we relocated for my partners job- I found a new job here, and shortly after was asked to move out

for the past 4 months iv been living in a house share so our current arrangement has been
Week 1 - Monday Wednesday after my work I have my daughter at the mums house. Then Friday overnight until Sunday 3pm at the house ( during the warmer weeks I usually took her to the park or for a walk during the week) over the weekend i bring all food needed and extra for the week, I take her out every weekend and the mum is away

week 2- Tuesday Thursday after work Sunday 3pm- bedtime

so anyway I pay child maintenance i actually pay 16% of my wage slightly more than the minimum,
I do really well as a dad my daughter adores me, she loves spending time with me and when I’m there doesn’t want anyone else just her daddy.

im moving into my own place January 1st so the contact can shift I’ll probably not be able to have her over night on all my week nights as Im an engineer snd start work sometimes at 4am

my ex has now decided she wants to move to London which is depending where in London about 2 hours one way from where I live and around 2:30 from my work.

her reasons she gave me is there is more to do for my daughter like museums and parks- theres Facebook groups for like minded single mums- shes closer to her parents ( they live in France but it’s a direct flight rather than a 2 Hour drive and a direct flight hey )
she feels isolated where we live and thinks living in London would make her a better mum- she also says because I only pop in and are deluded thinking I do almost 50% ( because she picks her up some week nights from nursery and I arrive about an hour after that apparently I just pop round and am a dad when I want to be
iv never cancelled a visit I always come up with fun things to do, I have covered two extra weekends, 3 occasions where the child minder was sick I basically had my daughter then made up my work hours from 4:30pm till midnight

so I just don’t know where I stand with this like surely you cant just reduce my contact to what would essentially be every other weekend ? I do everything to see my daughter as much as possible often working from home when I can so that I can finish early during week and have her for longer. I don’t see her thinking moving would benefit her mental health as a reason.

and of course now shes started down the route that the relationship was abusive was litterally never mentioned until she was justifying the break up to other people. The alleged abuse is that iv called her an idiot in arguments before and apparently I pushed her 4 years ago.

she has regular phone conversations with a councillor, a psychologist and also a domestic abuse charity- who are going to set up a mediator apparently

I just don’t understand how someone can she claim that I just pop in I see my daughter as much as I reasonably can.

she also says that shes allowed me to use her house- and I take advantage because over the weekend I used a teabag and it was the last one and didn’t replace it- we were together for 4 years and she never once drank a cup of tea.
but anyway I originally said I’d collect my daughter from her house on my days and bring her back so that I didn’t need to use her house ( after the abuse claims began) and was met with message after message how this isn’t fair how it makes her house bound how she can’t go see friends or go drinking or go food shopping ( children are allowed in the supermarket )

so I agreed to have her at the house. I just don’t understand why these medical professionals shes talking to according to her agree with this nonsense. She believes me saying I don’t want her to move my daughter away and reduce my contact time is me controlling her. I don’t care what she does but she says being a mother doesn’t fulfill her that’s why she needs to move as there will be more for her to do ( she now tries to link it to my daughter but originally it was about her )

sorry if this seems a rant i absolutly love my daughter shes my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me and just feel like iv spent months jumping through hoops to maintain my contact with her for her mum to just move her away from me

on a final note she had no job lined up in London but is a teacher so a role that relocating is easier

so firstly Im not feeling sorry for myself i have parental responsibility and am allowed to make decisions based on my daughters life and where she lives.

I didn’t say I wanted 50% 50% the mum wants it to be exactly 50/50
I want whatever works best for my daughter.

her partying in London isn’t a big deal and wasnt said as a negative how she wants to spend her weekend is up to her makes 0 difference to me ? So why would I lie about it shes a young women who likes to go out in London ?

I didn’t let the relationship slip by prioritising my career, I was the only person working in but the household so unless you expected the bills to be paid by there self I had to work and unless we wanted to both be on minimum wage non skilled jobs i chose to upskill to try provide for all of us, same as her mum went to university for her career whilst we were first together… another conclusion i was studying before she found out she was pregnant… we both where I studied at the open university and picked up full time work alongside it to support the fact a baby was due… there was no issues with me being supportive as a parent the issues arose because we didn’t have chance to be a couple as well, we had no family no support it was hard and our relationship didn’t make it.

i havent said my career will impact my relationship of my time with my daughter iv said it’s currently difficult due to that combined with not having my own place.
I don’t want to agree to something i cant stick to and until march when I get a promotion from a graduate to a junior then it will have to change again. Which we both discussed and had no problem with,

the issue isn’t my work or what I am or what Im not the issue is her wanting to relocate my daughter. Because it’s London now and where is it next year back to France ?

im not expecting her to change her career for our daughter. If London was a big career move fair enough but it’s not. It’s a care side step. But again Im not interested in that and I don’t see why yous are either.

Just to be clear seens you seem to jump to the conclusion the break up was entirely me, the fact she spent the last 6 months seeing somebody else while I was working, and then persuaded me to move 8 hours away from everyone I know and my job and where I had lived, to then ask me to move out shortly after just before she started her job. And allowed me to pay the rent upfront for us before that,
yeah I was the one controlling things it seems like

just stop jumping to conclusions. Of course Im going to be defensive when I have people ripping a part everything I say when it’s not relevant to what I wanted to know. If the custody was 100% 50;50 like everyone keeps going on about then why would there be such things as resident parents, the kid would just float between two households. But that’s not recommended anywhere iv read, it’s to have meaningful contact with both parents and a regular routine. That whether you agree it’s perfect has been maintained for my daughter since the break up by both parents.

so you can say I need to have exactly 50:50 but if I’m going to not manage it or have to substitute my time with a baby sitter or her mum substitute her time with a baby sitter it’s pointless. I’d rather agree to something we both can manage.
there is no issue with us coming to agreements at this moment other than the potential move
so all this white knighting regarding the arrangement is pointless as it was her who came up with it, I just wanted to see my daughter as much as possible snd still want that without impacting her time as well. Im not controlling her mums movement Im protecting my right to be a father to my daughter

was i the best partner no am I a great human no, do I make mistakes yes.

but im trying to do right by one person that needs me to and that’s it.

I said sometimes. If you are unable to comprehend that then Thats on you. I have clearly stated an engineer can work all over the country in the work Im in, so sometimes I’ll be working an hour away sometimes 8 hours away.

but again i have not asked for exactly 50:50 iv asked to be consistently in my daughter life like I have been every since she was born. Which is clear by the bond I share with her.

so how do you do exactly 50:50 with a two year old 3 and half nights each ? Seens over nights are your main focus.

iv suggested multiple things that are close to 50:50

if my ex decided she wanted me to be the resident parent then of course I’d choose to try switch my work to office based and lower income.

but being field based allows me to provide more pay more maintenance, allows me to probably have around a 60/40 split which I can make up for in holiday time when I have 5 weeks a year bringing it closer to 50:50

whats your issue with that?

how do you expect me to do the nursery run now when I don’t sleep at my exes house during the week ? On occasions when shes asked iv gone alone collected her and dropped her off. Im 30 minutes away and then a 3 minute walk to the nursery it’s not a problem you’re just finding a fault in everything I say.

so I’ll reiterate neither of us have had a problem agreeing how we manage our daughters time. The move is the issue. Not the current situation

'which I can make up for in holiday time when I have 5 weeks a year'

5 weeks ? ! good grief I get that at least and I work in ASDA :)

and you forget, the mother is a teacher. 2 weeks at Christmas, 2 weeks at Easter, 3 weeks of half terms and 5/6 weeks in the summer holidays.

Obiv many teachers do go into school during these holidays / plan lessons etc. / get the class room ready for the new term.
Indeed I know of one teacher who will go into a school local to me in the first few days in January so he can take the Christmas tree away to be recycled.

Are you actually okay iv said the arrangements iv suggested
are 50:50
or 60:40
you do realise if one parent has the child 4 nights and the other 3 😂😂 do you even have a problem with that?

so during my holiday time having my daughter some extra nights is an issue now as well ? You really are just nitpicking

please tell me what the issue with me having my daughter what works out mathematically as 43% of the time is an issue ?? Surely Thats a perfectly suitable amount. And then extra time in the holidays.

you just look really bitter actually because unless you now think I should have my daughter over 50% of the time there isn’t any more I could offer.

whats her mum being off school got to do with me ? Are you now saying I need to request more holidays to equal her mums holidays 😂😂

Also what a hero how long does it take him to take down a Christmas tree, must be over worked

You can't do 50/50 for long anyway, as your daughter will eventually start school. Then she can't live two hours away. Someone will have to have residential care during the school week at least, assuming you remain living apart. I'd think about that carefully and whether you want that person to be you, or if you are happy to let it be her. If you want it to be you, then lawyer up.

OP this isn't the CAB. It's neither private nor confidential. It's a chat forum. No use getting annoyed at people chatting 🤷. Most are here for their own entertainment, if you post a thread you risk being it. You've had answers to your initial question, if you don't want to engage in the chatting and wider discussion then don't. Plenty of other threads you can join in on, there's even a "hide thread" feature if you're sick of looking at this one, just click the 3 dots at the side of it.

Again OP, just MN showing itself up as truly toxic. People love to nitpick, make assumptions, attack on here. Especially if you are a man. Honestly you responding is giving some of the PP’s a kick I reckon. Just ignore. MM do better. It’s honestly pathetic & nasty.

Don’t be so bloody ridiculous.
People are acting on the information that they are given by the original poster nothing else, And say things that the OP probably needs to hear but in polite society most people would be afraid to say that doesn’t make it toxic.

Ah now let’s turn on each other! Yay! He sounds likes a caring dad who is doing his best & wants to maintain as much contact as he currently has and more. It sounds like they Co-parent well in the scheme of things but let’s not act that MN doesn’t jump on the slightest thing OP said in any thread and tear them down. I see it all the time. In fact I saw a thread posted about it just the other day. Just become bullies online; In polite society you probably hid it better.

Went through a similar process prior to and throughout Covid, though was a foreign country and not two hours away. Was absolutely shattering mentally so glad to see so many people suggesting mental health assistance. Was looking at legal fees that I would be paying off for years but found the following site invaluable,
http://thecustodyminefield.com/leave-to-remove-guidance/
This should contain enough reference material and advice to assist you. In my case had Covid not occurred and had my Ex not missed almost every court date I'm sure it wouldn't have taken so long to resolve. Cafcass were on daughters side so went massively in my favour, however by the time I got to final court date and 5th judge Cafcass woman had moved jobs and were represented by someone I hadn't even met.
I think judges are used to having every accusation made against fathers now and domestic appears to be the gateway to free legal advice which unfortunately hurts the genuine victims in being believed, however that is for the courts and legal aid to address. Just remain positive (hard I know), and be honest. If your daughter is likely to gain more from you in her life than the saving of a two hour car drive every so often then you should have no issues. Failing that as an engineer you could always move to London too, there must be a job somewhere.

So the mother is a cost neutral position by your calculations. I am sure she is sitting pretty in her palace with her feet up. Think long term as well, the years she is sacrificing career progression and sector relevance. When your child goes to school she will be years behind her counterparts in salary and pension and for many years still be missing career progression to carry the load of parenting. Do you think she has the luxury to pick jobs and working hours that perfectly suit her working hours? She certainly couldn't do a job that starts at 4.30am like you can.

You are carrying a less than satisfactory load financially and practically and you somehow think she should be grateful. She probably wants to move away so she doesn’t have to keep having you in the house all the time.

I am sure you've translated 'partying all weekend' from popping in on friends for moral support. I am pretty sure your week day visits are more disruptive than helpful, but she is doing the right thing and keeping contact open despite it being intrusive and a bit of a pain. You are certainly not the saviour in this situation.

Why do have to constantly repeat you are a good Dad and you love your child? We all love our kids (mostly) but don't feel the need to announce it. I certainly wouldn't go round telling people I am a good mum. I think they would wonder what is wrong with me! We all set out to do our best.

There's no need for snippy comments like that.
Yes, the teacher going into school during his own time off is a hero.
He won't be getting paid for dismantling and disposing of the Christmas tree.

Thanks for the details, yes in a couple of years when Im actually on a salary that could support London living I wouldn’t have a problem with moving closer,

but right now shes in her first year teacher and im in my graduate year in a company as an engineer so as Im sure you know me neither of those wages support that move at All

Shes a teacher she did pick her hours so what is your point ?
secondly I said I sometimes start at this time.
third point iv offered solutions of 50:50
57:43… explained that iv covered all times shes had meetings etc.

4th point we have had no issue arranging our schedules, the move is the issue so again your talking about irrelevant points

hilarious that you actually can’t read, i have my own property from January thr 1st the house she lives in the rent was payed by me until the end of the year. So I think my financial contribution is perfectly fine thank you.

she goes out in London Thats what she does I didn’t translate anything, she speaks about it and it doesn’t matter why are you judging her for going out partying on her free weekends ? Im not but you are by saying it should be something it isn’t.

again your inability to read and not pick and choose. It was her decision for me to use her house not mine, I never asked for it snd also came up with other solutions. So you’re trying to find a problem again.

did not say i was the saviour. Have a nice day.

Snippy comments, you have responded with things without understanding. I notice you ignore that I have offered solutions. And again the issue isn’t the current or future arrangement it’s the move.

you said you work at Asda so you are payed hourly, you do realise people who are payed a salary, quite often do work outside of there hours… so him taking down a tree isn’t a big deal.
its also completely irrelevant

If you are going to reply to comments, at least get the right person.
I work in ASDA., not @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne

and it's paid not payed.
and their not there.

At least being on an hourly wage I know how to spell.

and remember some of us that work in ASDA may very well have had previous jobs / careers, and degrees...

Pathetic. Just stop looking for ways to bash the OP.

Petty isn't it

Sorry, but that's unfair. The OP asked for legal advice - he posted his thread in Legal. It isn't his fault that some people have gone out of their way to turn this into AIBU.

My advice to him about four days ago was fine the money by Hook or by Crook to go and talk to a qualified Solicitor
That still stands.
He fanned the Flames or by himself. He doesn’t need you jumping into his defence.

Exactly! A lot of people on this thread aren’t very good at reading and just want to hate OP.

When is she hoping to move? She won't get much of a reference if she buggers off without doing a full year in her first job.

I don't work at Asda.
You need to improve your reading skills.
I'm a retired midwife and I live about ninety miles from the nearest Asda, in a tiny Scottish village.

..............you said you work at Asda so you are payed hourly, you do realise people who are payed a salary, quite often do work outside of there hours…

Golly. I've always received a salary.

I'm pretty sure that @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon used to as well, before she abandoned her professional career and took a (supposedly) lowly position in Asda.