Is an own room required??

[sproglitsx4]

My partner and I have 6 children between us. I have 4D from my previous relationship, he has 1S and together we share a daughter.
My oldest 2 daughters (14 and 12) have SEVERE adhd and autism and require their own bedrooms. In my partners original court order (before me) his son has to have his own room (my partner lived with his dad before he moved in with me) due to a barrage of horrible situations and circumstances we moved to our current ‘4 bed’ property in December 2024 and my stepson has had his own room whilst my younger 4 daughters have had to share.
The contact arrangements with my stepson when we moved here were that we had him every other week end and alternate holidays including half of the summer holidays.
It has now been 9 months since we last saw him. My partner has court coming up and there’s a chance the arrangements may change, they may decrease to one weekend a month!

We have just been issued a section 21 because my landlord wants to sell and due to my older girls and their needs we cannot move their schools again (they have been in 5 schools since July 2020).
we have until December to find somewhere else and cannot stay till evicted by bailiffs because temp accommodation isn’t a good idea with my older 2 and their behaviours. This is now making us desperate as the houses here go so fast. I’m looking at 3 beds with potential for a 4th in a 2nd reception room.

My partner is adamant the court will not change their mind and that no matter what his son MUST have his own room even if he is only here 2 nights a month. My 12 year old is currently sharing with her 3 younger sisters and it has not been going well. She needs her own room.

What I’m looking for is advice…am I right or wrong thinking that getting a roof over my daughters heads and wanting the older two to each have the rooms they are supposed to have (note*we get the 4 bed housing benefit allowance based on my older 2 requiring own rooms).

I’ve not been spoken to once with regards my partners ongoing case in court for contact so can’t find out any information on what is allowed and what isn’t.

I offered that maybe on the nights he is here my 12 year old can sleep in her sister’s room, one weekend a month or even 2 shouldn’t be an issue.

Or can we not get a sofa bed and he sleep on that or he have our room and we sleep on that? So long as when he is here he gets his own little space. It doesn’t have to be his when he’s not here??

If this makes sense to anyone and you can offer help or advice it would be hugely appreciated. My head is totally spinning with everything at the moment and I just need a bit of guidance in the right direction.
I also don’t want anyone to think I don’t want a room for my stepson…if I could believe me I would…it’s just not realistic in the area we are and time frame we have. The houses literally go as soon as they are listed and I have to take into consideration everyone in the household as best I can.

Thankyou.

Both your ideas seem very sensible to me. Why did you dh say no to them? It’s not as if your dss turns up unannounced, presumably, so the room can be made ready, and presumably you think your dd would cope with the upheaval of letting her step brother borrow her room when he came to stay. This way the court’s requirement is followed - he has his own room. Presumably the court order doesn’t insist it’s maintained as a shrine to dss when he’s not there…

Keeping an entire room empty for 28 days of the month whilst 4 other children who are there FULL TIME share is ludicrous, absolutely mind boggling that it’s even on the table as an option. My thoughts are that he’s pushing back against you needing separate rooms for the two older girls and demanding an ‘equal’ right of a room for his son, which makes sense psychologically but not at all in practice and he needs to realise that. On the days his son is there you can do any of the three things you’ve suggested (your room, 12 year old shares, living room) to ensure he gets some personal space but it would genuinely be a relationship breaker for me if my husband demanded we keep a bedroom empty when we had other children needing the space. Also very telling that he’s fine with the girls sharing and their comfort being minimised but 🤷‍♀️

If you haven't sen him for 9m with the current arrangements, in reality what is the likelihood that he will be staying over at all?

It’s batshit to me that you’ve decided to not only blend families with your situations, but decided to add to it?? I guess your best bet is to just pick one of your suggestions, but not only are you risking breaking the court order, you’ve pretty much guaranteed your oh losing the little relationship he has left with his son. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to spend time at your house tbh

If you get housing allowance for the girls to have their own room then that’s what should happen. If it wasn’t for that allowance could you even afford 4 bedrooms?

Ditch the partner. Problem solved.

If I were you I would prioritise appropriately housing yourself and your daughters - sounds like you need one bedroom each for your 12 & 14 year olds, one for the other 3 girls and one for you? Or you sleep in the living room?

Let your partner house himself and his son.

So you can't afford the size of home that you need, You're reliant on benefits but yet you've had 6 children?

Living within your means springs to mind

I don't this comment is helpful.

The OP doesn't get funds to accomodate the dss needs but is trying to find a solution to a housing crisis. A crisis she hasn't put herself in.

OP I feel whichever you choose won't sit right with someone as you can't please everyone. I would do whatever suits the people who have the highest need for the space. I feel your situation is a difficult one.

What a nightmare, I feel for you all. Of course your partner wants to do everything he can to protect his relationship with his son. Of course you need to protect your daughters wellbeing and ensure they are in the best position possible to be their happiest selves. Honestly, my view would be look to live separately, it is an awful lot of dynamics to fit into one house. However, if that's definitely not an option, I think you're right. Having a whole bedroom empty 95% of the time, whilst you know your daughters have additional needs is nutty. If there's a spare reception room that could be "reserved" for StepS then it actually will be empty most of the time and can be used normally/sofa beds for you to sleep on in the living room is also a good idea as presmably you're both the last up and downstairs, so not a massive issue (although does it comply with the court order if he's technically in your room - can your partner clarify exactly what is meant). Equally, your partner is doing what he can to ensure a relationship with his son, so of course he's fighting you (you'd do the same). This is the issue with blended families unfortunately, you and your partner have opposing priorities, because youre good parents who love their kids. Your solution is most rational, but when each of you is protecting your child/relationship with your child then rational won't massively be a factor I don't think.... you're right to go with who needs the space most, most of the time, but I understand your partner won't think like that, and you probably need to understand that too.

This is a really hard situation
He's not their siblings and not even the same gender so when he's there he really should have his own space but I can't see a court dictating that he has to have a space just for him when he's never there ... He's not even seen you guys for months. Why has he not seen you all??

Would it be possible for you guys to get your own place and your partner have his own home??

Agree!

Makes sense for you two to vacate your room when he's there and you sleep on sofa bed, not moving other kids. It's a no brainer tbh, your DH should see that!

Perhaps you can have posters or decals that you can put up to make it his room when he's there, and an age appropriate bed set etc and his toys in a toy box that can be a seat when you both use it. It's not ideal but it makes more sense than shifting kids in an already full house.

She can't stuff half of them back up herself

Situations change life changes you don't know if she had a high flying job till her kids got diagnosed and had to leave work to support them
Have a word

How old is the step son? Ive re read OP 3 times and cant find that info. If he is older than 10 he needs to sleep separate from the girls.

Why why why would you have another child in this situation, esp with a man who can’t even be bothered to see his son for 9 months. Madness.

Mind boggling really.

surely the three bed wouldn't work for your family either, even if son didn't get his own room? As you'd then still have one girl with her own room, the other 4 girls in another room, and parents in the third, with son never having anywhere to sleep!

I could see a court dictating that dad had to ensure his son had a room in his home in order to be awarded any level of custody. Son should have room in his dad's home if dad wants him to stay there. You've not mentioned how old anyone else is, If son is of an age where he is able to voice his opinion on custody issues, it's likely his argument against visiting dad in the past has been 'there's no space for me there, I don't even have a bedroom'.
I think in an ideal situation, you find a bigger house, and sort things out so everyone gets some space. Ideally a 6 bed. Given your current situation, and the fact you're renting and being evicted, I'm assuming there's not the money for that, and you're not in a position to rent or buy something that size.

If you have to move into the 3 bed (with 2nd reception room). I'd suggest the following [obviously caveat this with not knowing everyones needs, so it may actually not work for you]

• Bedroom 1 - 14 year old and one of the younger girls (I don't think 12 yo sharing with 3 others, but 14 year old having own room will be doing you favours, but caveat above].
• Bedroom 2 - 12 year old, and the other 2 younger girls
• Bedroom 3 - parents
• Bonus reception room - done out as a den/chill out area, neutral colours, bit of lockable storage, includes some kinda daybed. This is son's room when he's over (exclusively), but when he's not it's a playroom/ chill out sorta space - can either be the room you get the younger 3 to use to play in so the older ones have space in bedrooms, and they have space to be downstairs, or the room the older ones go in when they need a bit of space away.

And the 4 girls who have been in 5 schools in since 2020.

Yes her older children have got disabilities and she still continued to have several more...
Why should the tax payer fund a massive house for them?
People need to live within their means!

Where does it say the reason he hasn't seen the child for 9 months is his fault? Do you really think that it is always the father to blame when kids don't see their dad? Someone I worked with did everything she could to stop her kids seeing their dad just to spite him

I’ve not been spoken to once with regards my partners ongoing case in court for contact so can’t find out any information on what is allowed and what isn’t

So your dp, the father of your 5th child, won't tell you what is going on with his own 1st child. That says it all really doesn't it.

They are going back to court and hoping they’ll have the boy for fewer days a month. So yeah. Pretty confident he’s not the dad of the century.

I feel awful for your stepson.
He sounds like a constant afterthought.

People on here always say this as an excuse and it's never bloody true.