Is an own room required??

[sproglitsx4]

My partner and I have 6 children between us. I have 4D from my previous relationship, he has 1S and together we share a daughter.
My oldest 2 daughters (14 and 12) have SEVERE adhd and autism and require their own bedrooms. In my partners original court order (before me) his son has to have his own room (my partner lived with his dad before he moved in with me) due to a barrage of horrible situations and circumstances we moved to our current ‘4 bed’ property in December 2024 and my stepson has had his own room whilst my younger 4 daughters have had to share.
The contact arrangements with my stepson when we moved here were that we had him every other week end and alternate holidays including half of the summer holidays.
It has now been 9 months since we last saw him. My partner has court coming up and there’s a chance the arrangements may change, they may decrease to one weekend a month!

We have just been issued a section 21 because my landlord wants to sell and due to my older girls and their needs we cannot move their schools again (they have been in 5 schools since July 2020).
we have until December to find somewhere else and cannot stay till evicted by bailiffs because temp accommodation isn’t a good idea with my older 2 and their behaviours. This is now making us desperate as the houses here go so fast. I’m looking at 3 beds with potential for a 4th in a 2nd reception room.

My partner is adamant the court will not change their mind and that no matter what his son MUST have his own room even if he is only here 2 nights a month. My 12 year old is currently sharing with her 3 younger sisters and it has not been going well. She needs her own room.

What I’m looking for is advice…am I right or wrong thinking that getting a roof over my daughters heads and wanting the older two to each have the rooms they are supposed to have (note*we get the 4 bed housing benefit allowance based on my older 2 requiring own rooms).

I’ve not been spoken to once with regards my partners ongoing case in court for contact so can’t find out any information on what is allowed and what isn’t.

I offered that maybe on the nights he is here my 12 year old can sleep in her sister’s room, one weekend a month or even 2 shouldn’t be an issue.

Or can we not get a sofa bed and he sleep on that or he have our room and we sleep on that? So long as when he is here he gets his own little space. It doesn’t have to be his when he’s not here??

If this makes sense to anyone and you can offer help or advice it would be hugely appreciated. My head is totally spinning with everything at the moment and I just need a bit of guidance in the right direction.
I also don’t want anyone to think I don’t want a room for my stepson…if I could believe me I would…it’s just not realistic in the area we are and time frame we have. The houses literally go as soon as they are listed and I have to take into consideration everyone in the household as best I can.

Thankyou.

Could your partner spend time with his DS at a premier inn if his contact time is reduced to once a month?

but make it special. Properly special. A lad’s weekend every month. Going to different places. Visiting museums or concerts or sporting fixtures? Then come home on the Sunday afternoon for a special family meal so the lad can spend time with his half sister?

I honestly think some people view having children as a mandatory step in a relationship.

Such a theme on here today of parents / step parents blending families and having more kids than they can afford / accommodate / cope with !

why oh why are people like this ??

kids growing up in overcrowded housing,
no regard for basic needs ?
how can these kids thrive under these circumstances??

are they the next generation of feckless adults repeating the cycle ?

This cannot be real. Surely nobody would bring another child into a world in which they are struggling to afford the children they already have.

This is the legal board, not relationships or AIBU. She’s after advice not a kicking.

I would think the best option is a 4 bedroom, smallest room to the 14 year old, two largest rooms divided to create spaces for the other 4 girls, and stepson has your room when he stays.

And ironclad contraception to prevent a seventh child that can’t be housed.

It’s like Jeremy Kyle bingo round here at the moment. What is going ON, why are grown adults being so fucking feckless about providing for their existing children and adding more???

Frankly then, she needs the opinion of a solicitor. However, with legal background, I would say that she won't get the answer she wants.

Regardless of where this is placed, this is a fairly sad state of affairs. Children crammed together (some with mega additional needs) . . . whilst a parent has another child, seemingly with no real consideration for the future of any of her offspring.

Whether in legal or AIBU it's fairly shocking.

Lol reading comprehension is key. It doesn't say that at all.

I’m pretty sure if it went back to court and your current circumstances were put forward they wouldn’t insist on him having his own room. If his Mum wants to take it back to court let her.
it would need to be carefully explained to him but I’m sure it would be fine. If he hasn’t stayed for 9mths I isn’t going to make the situation worse.

Shes claiming benefits estate agents won't been keen to "help" at all

Not sure why contact is expected to be reduced even further? But it sounds like if you haven’t had him for nine months he’s not likely to be coming round more.

At this point you must prioritise your children and end the chaos. Multiple schools, new siblings etc. In your shoes I’d be separating from your partner and creating a stable home for your children. He can then appropriately prioritise his son (and your shared child) to try and mend that relationship before he loses his son completely.

You both need to make your children your priority.

Don't forget while also being told they MUST be absolutely grateful and ecstatic to work and pay taxes to support those on benefits to have the lifestyle they could never have.
Not working. Home all day with dc till they start school.
And if you're not grateful and ecstatic, then you're evil and want vulnerable children to be starved, and it's YOUR fault they're in poverty!!

Do either of you work, OP?

Your DH / dp is not putting your dds first
You need to sort housing for them before it reaches crisis point
I have two with ADHD and autism..no way would they cope with me moving in a partner and his ds
I don't feel you have put your dds first by moving your bloke and his son in ,then having another baby ,plus school changes and house changes..it's all to much for kids with your dds disabilities
You need to ditch the man ,let him sort his son out himself
And you focus on your girls and getting the home that's right for them

Why have 4 more children when your eldest 2 have such high needs? Why blend families with someone who has a child with all this complex stuff? I feel sorry for all the kids.

This is a situation where you needed to step back and say

1. we can't blend these families and meet these children's needs
2. we cannot add more children to this.

There's no easy fix now - you have children who's needs you can't afford to meet so it will be "least worst" solutions.

Firstly - give up your own bedroom. Its a luxury you can't afford, the DC come first. Get a sofa bed. Second reception room turns into space for DS. Younger girls share, older two get the rooms each that they need.

DO NOT produce ANY more children.

Dread to think what this is costing the tax payer.

This!
Mumsnet is amazing for making up ridiculous reasons as to why people get themselves in these situations. We stopped at two because we literally couldn’t afford any more!!!

1. Go back to your jobs as airline pilots or investment bankers or whatever high flying career you both had (according to pps) before kids mysteriously rendered you unable to work. Get childcare for the kids.
2. You are now eligible for a mortgage.
3. Buy a house that fits everyone in.

Sorted.

Unless you actually did just have a million babies with no career prospects or thought as to how you would pay for them. But PPs have assured us this is not the case. Because no one wakes up in the morning and does this. Ever.

I really don’t understand why you don’t live separately, you cannot afford to house everyone , it doesn’t sound like your partner has ever lived alone with said Son? I’d be finding someone for me and my girls. This situation sounds ridiculous.

The post feels like anti-benefits rage bait, I can't think it's actually real.