Is an own room required??

[sproglitsx4]

My partner and I have 6 children between us. I have 4D from my previous relationship, he has 1S and together we share a daughter.
My oldest 2 daughters (14 and 12) have SEVERE adhd and autism and require their own bedrooms. In my partners original court order (before me) his son has to have his own room (my partner lived with his dad before he moved in with me) due to a barrage of horrible situations and circumstances we moved to our current ‘4 bed’ property in December 2024 and my stepson has had his own room whilst my younger 4 daughters have had to share.
The contact arrangements with my stepson when we moved here were that we had him every other week end and alternate holidays including half of the summer holidays.
It has now been 9 months since we last saw him. My partner has court coming up and there’s a chance the arrangements may change, they may decrease to one weekend a month!

We have just been issued a section 21 because my landlord wants to sell and due to my older girls and their needs we cannot move their schools again (they have been in 5 schools since July 2020).
we have until December to find somewhere else and cannot stay till evicted by bailiffs because temp accommodation isn’t a good idea with my older 2 and their behaviours. This is now making us desperate as the houses here go so fast. I’m looking at 3 beds with potential for a 4th in a 2nd reception room.

My partner is adamant the court will not change their mind and that no matter what his son MUST have his own room even if he is only here 2 nights a month. My 12 year old is currently sharing with her 3 younger sisters and it has not been going well. She needs her own room.

What I’m looking for is advice…am I right or wrong thinking that getting a roof over my daughters heads and wanting the older two to each have the rooms they are supposed to have (note*we get the 4 bed housing benefit allowance based on my older 2 requiring own rooms).

I’ve not been spoken to once with regards my partners ongoing case in court for contact so can’t find out any information on what is allowed and what isn’t.

I offered that maybe on the nights he is here my 12 year old can sleep in her sister’s room, one weekend a month or even 2 shouldn’t be an issue.

Or can we not get a sofa bed and he sleep on that or he have our room and we sleep on that? So long as when he is here he gets his own little space. It doesn’t have to be his when he’s not here??

If this makes sense to anyone and you can offer help or advice it would be hugely appreciated. My head is totally spinning with everything at the moment and I just need a bit of guidance in the right direction.
I also don’t want anyone to think I don’t want a room for my stepson…if I could believe me I would…it’s just not realistic in the area we are and time frame we have. The houses literally go as soon as they are listed and I have to take into consideration everyone in the household as best I can.

Thankyou.

I doubt OPs household has the money for the 'special weekends'.

Is this a joke? Can you imagine the abuse that would go on in such places? I dread to think.

A 12 year old who hasn’t been for 9 months, including the school holidays, isn’t coming anytime soon.
I imagine coming to a household with so many other children, all girls, most he isn’t related to, is too much.

No he doesn’t need a room and your DP needs to try and build a relationship with him away from your home. He’s hanging onto something that’s not going to happen rather than try to fix his relationship.

And he's doing so to the detriment of OP's other kids.

Sorry you’re in this situation and for all the unhelpful nasty judgements in this board.

Long term advice - make sure you’re on the housing list and bid for everything. Waits are long and even if you do get somewhere it’ll be guaranteed below your actual housing need - but at least it’s a lot more affordable, you’ll have security of tenure / stability for the kids, and will be able to hack the space up more creatively around your needs without a private landlord micromanaging your lives. That stability will mean something to the family court too I’d imagine.

In the meantime I think parents sleeping on a sofa bed might be best option too. Or if you have access to a garden have you considered an upgraded shed (for the adults not kids!)? Or van / caravan on the drive, if there is one?

Your husband 😮
This is ludicrous and I can’t believe you ever allowed this situation to happen. Of course the children living there full time the room!! Get a sofa bed and give him choice of him sleeping on it or in your room and you sleeping on it.
Your husband sees his son as more important than your daughters, and the daughters you share. Stop treating them like they’re second class citizens to the step / half brother who visits occasionally.
You’re their mother.
Also he’s 12, if he doesn’t want to visit like he hasn’t for 9 months, courts won’t enforce it. He’s not going to be staying any time soon anyway. And even if he was - this is your daughters’ only home….! I’d be moving the furniture round whether your husband likes it or not. I cannot believe this situation happened! It’s certainly time to rectify it

You mean workhouses? Lol Crazies.

No, if they worked they could pay their own way.

Due to the increasing numbers expecting something for nothing the supply of homes is grinding to a halt. Hence dormitories which would be more cost effective for the tax payer.

Possibly that the boy doesn’t like the chaos of 5 step siblings, some with extra needs!
I would suggest your partner stays somewhere else when he’s got his son. Grandparents house?

Think about having a bedroom at your partner's father's place for your DSS. Every access your partner stays over there.
Your partner needs to spend more one to one with his son.

Your oldest girl could have the smallest room and your 12 year old could share with a younger sister. The other two young girls share. It is important that your children stay at the one school for the rest of their schooling.

This kid isn’t wanted by his dad. If he was, his dad wouldn’t have shacked up with a woman with four kids, including two with extreme SEN, and impregnated her.

If the dad works, the amount of maintenance he pays will have reduced significantly now he’s considered responsible for FIVE other kids.

Let’s hope he has a caring, responsible and solvent parent in his mother.

The problem is, working doesn’t always pay. Two people on full-time minimum wage can’t afford to rent and have a couple of kids without government help in many parts of the country now.

Often it’s cheaper for the government to pay benefits to a woman to stay at home, than to pay top-up benefits and childcare for multiple kids.

If OP cared about all these kids, she’d be living separately from her partner, splitting custody of their youngest and staying that way until they’d both got good enough salaries to pay their way. It doesn’t sound like any of them will thrive crammed into a three bed.

Does it really matter if it is "required"? You obviously can't afford to provide it either way and your DP doesn't actually see the child anyway.
What on earth were you thinking having a combined 6 children! Where did you think you were going to put them all?

I hate people on mumsnet being judgy but on this one I have to agree.

We wanted a big family. Eldest has SEN and once diagnosed (already had second by then) partner had a vasectomy. Not because we don’t want more kids but because we recognise that even one SEN child requires way more time and commitment and also money (therapies etc) than a neurotypical child.

Keeping our family small was a way to give him the absolute best chance in life.

I feel bad for the OP but don’t really know what to suggest as she just sounds irresponsible and selfish tbh. I hope for the stepson’s wellbeing contact is stopped so he doesn’t have to go to a house where they’d want to put him on a sofabed (all my divorced pals have dedicated bedrooms for each child which are sacred, even if they do stay empty a lot… but then perhaps the people I’m friends with consider things like ‘do I have space for this child’ before conceiving).

Younger kids can share a room it’s not ideal but siblings have shared rooms since the dawn of time without too much harm. I don’t see much homework getting done in this setup but sounds like the least of worries.

You haven't seen him in 9 months? Not just that he hasn't stayed over, but no physical contact at all? He isn't going to start staying regularly, even once every month. It would be madness to factor a room for him into your house search. However, what you should be factoring in is: surely your partner needs to start paying much more maintenance if the pattern has gone from 50-50 to the mother having, in practice, full custody - and surely this will be the outcome of a return to court? Is that factored into what sounds like a pretty tight household budget and plan?

I mean really that’s a lot of DC so you’d need a mansion really which I suspect won’t find to rent. I have four so do not feel like I can judge tbh. Have you considered two houses? If you had a three bedroom with 2nd reception and he got a three bedroom, then the two who need it could have space and two could share. Youngest and stepson stay with their Dad. Your girls with you. I share custody with my ex this way we both have three beds. Eldest has permanent room at his, middle child at mines, youngest twins are happy to share so hsve a shared room at mine and his. We are very close by (ye olde farm house and converted outbuilding) so children will all eat together, depends on what activities are on for who feeds dinner. It actually works very well and is child centred.

Sorry OP but you’ve got yourself into a total mess. Life happens and blended families happen but you need to grip this with what you can.

You need to question why you allowed your partner to move in and disrupt the living arrangements for your own children, to allow him to adhere to a court order. It is ludicrous that you’re allowing a room to be empty at the expense of your own children’s wellbeing.

It perhaps would be wise to go back to living separately if you can’t find a house that is large enough to meet needs. You need to put your own children first, above and beyond this relationship and make it your partner’s, not your children’s problem to find a vacant room to meet the court order requirements.

Ok I will be that person: I'm perplexed as to why you had another child together when you already had 5 between you in a 4 bed house. Why was your DP living at his parents? Why did you move him in and put your children in this overcrowded situation if you had a property with enough room before he came along?

She's not broken a court order she's in a 4bed property and has kept a bedroom for her partner's son despite him not coming over at all in the last 9months. She has 4 kids sharing a bedroom whilst one is left empty for a child who doesn't even visit at the moment they may aswell use that unused bedroom for one of the 4 kids that are currently sharing. She hasn't said that his son doesn't want to be there it could be that his ex has stopped contact the post doesn't say how old her partner's son is

An ex can't legally stop contact. It grinds my gears when I hear this excuse from absentee parents.

A perspective from the other side...

My parents split up when I was little. When I stayed at my dad's from the age of 6 upwards, I had to sleep on a camping bed in the living room. Everyone else went upstairs to sleep and I lay there absolutely terrified. This went on until I was a teenager and I just have really uneasy memories of it. It was a weird feeling of abandonment and feeling so alone knowing that everyone else was upstairs asleep in their own rooms/beds and I was in the living room listening to the clock ticking and the house sounds.

There was also something really alienating going in to another family environment (my dad and his second wife had two children) and trying to fit in. So the separate room is about way more than just having somewhere to physically sleep. It is about a signal of belonging.

Just passing that along to give my perspective. Of the suggestions you have made I think you and your partner giving up your room on the days he is there would be best.

You don't say how long it is since your DP separated from his son's mother, but anyway long ago enough for you to have had a child together; and you've been living together for nine months.

So your DP has two children: his son, and your joint daughter who is presumably an infant. He reached an agreement with the boy's mother by which he would more or less share custody; but this arrangement has not worked out - in fact, it's never been implemented since you set up house together, has it? - so he, or possibly she, is going back to court to review it.

You say that you have "never been spoken to" about the arrangements so you aren't able to gauge whether or not the stipulation that the boy must have his own bedroom is set in stone.

This sounds as though you feel that you're not involved in any of the discussion regarding the boy's wellbeing - and I don't see how that can be the case. In looking at the circumstances your DP is living in, and deciding whether your DP is able to meet his son's needs, your role in the household surely must be taken into account by the family court. In arguing for his son to spend time staying with him and his half-sister in his home, your DP is going to have to say something about your willingness or otherwise to welcome, include and even, to an extent, parent the boy.

So, you do as a first step need to understand what the son's needs are actually deemed to be and what the plan is in terms of maintaining his relationship with his father. You can't be left out of the conversation. Reading through the thread I've slightly lost patience with all of the "I wouldn't start from here" comments, but it does seem to me that you and DP have to talk to each other a lot more about how you're both going to make this work before you can decide what house to look for.

Legally they can't but some do and the other parent should fight it but usually won't because they can't be bothered. I was responding to the poster stating the partner's son doesn't want to visit when the original post doesn't say that he doesn't want to

I'm not sure deciding what house to look for is the relevant issue here since they are constrained by both budget and availability. Surely if getting a 7 bedroom house (or even a 5 bedroom house) was an option, they would do that.

The issue is that the only housing options available to them are too small for their family's needs and require some of the children to share.

If the stepson actually lived with the family full-time then I would agree that, unfortunately, he needs his own room because it is simply not appropriate for him to share a room with his step-sisters or even really his baby half-sister.

The fact is that he doesn't live there full-time, he doesn't actually live there at all, and keeping a bedroom for him in a house he hasn't visited for 9 months whilst four girls (including a 12 year old with autism and ADHD and a baby, as well as two other sisters) are all crammed into one bedroom is patently absurd.

It seems clear to me that this man does not have his partner or his stepdaughters' interests at heart and she should get rid of him so she can start prioritising her own children. Where he lives after that and whether his absent son has his own bedroom or not would then be his problem.

I actually wonder whether the only reason he is living with the OP is so that he doesn't have to live in a one bed flat or studio.