Is an own room required??

[sproglitsx4]

My partner and I have 6 children between us. I have 4D from my previous relationship, he has 1S and together we share a daughter.
My oldest 2 daughters (14 and 12) have SEVERE adhd and autism and require their own bedrooms. In my partners original court order (before me) his son has to have his own room (my partner lived with his dad before he moved in with me) due to a barrage of horrible situations and circumstances we moved to our current ‘4 bed’ property in December 2024 and my stepson has had his own room whilst my younger 4 daughters have had to share.
The contact arrangements with my stepson when we moved here were that we had him every other week end and alternate holidays including half of the summer holidays.
It has now been 9 months since we last saw him. My partner has court coming up and there’s a chance the arrangements may change, they may decrease to one weekend a month!

We have just been issued a section 21 because my landlord wants to sell and due to my older girls and their needs we cannot move their schools again (they have been in 5 schools since July 2020).
we have until December to find somewhere else and cannot stay till evicted by bailiffs because temp accommodation isn’t a good idea with my older 2 and their behaviours. This is now making us desperate as the houses here go so fast. I’m looking at 3 beds with potential for a 4th in a 2nd reception room.

My partner is adamant the court will not change their mind and that no matter what his son MUST have his own room even if he is only here 2 nights a month. My 12 year old is currently sharing with her 3 younger sisters and it has not been going well. She needs her own room.

What I’m looking for is advice…am I right or wrong thinking that getting a roof over my daughters heads and wanting the older two to each have the rooms they are supposed to have (note*we get the 4 bed housing benefit allowance based on my older 2 requiring own rooms).

I’ve not been spoken to once with regards my partners ongoing case in court for contact so can’t find out any information on what is allowed and what isn’t.

I offered that maybe on the nights he is here my 12 year old can sleep in her sister’s room, one weekend a month or even 2 shouldn’t be an issue.

Or can we not get a sofa bed and he sleep on that or he have our room and we sleep on that? So long as when he is here he gets his own little space. It doesn’t have to be his when he’s not here??

If this makes sense to anyone and you can offer help or advice it would be hugely appreciated. My head is totally spinning with everything at the moment and I just need a bit of guidance in the right direction.
I also don’t want anyone to think I don’t want a room for my stepson…if I could believe me I would…it’s just not realistic in the area we are and time frame we have. The houses literally go as soon as they are listed and I have to take into consideration everyone in the household as best I can.

Thankyou.

Why hasn’t your OH seen his son in nine months and what makes you think the current contact order will be decreased? Without knowing the full circumstances it sounds like he hasn’t exactly been father of the year to his son.
I agree with you though. You don’t need a dedicated room for him if he is only going to be using it once a month. He just needs his own space to use when he is with uoh and it sounds like you have proposed several sensible options for this. If OH cant see this and would rather compromise your daughters’ needs in order for a room to sit empty, then perhaps this is a blended family that is not going to work.

What a mess and having another child with everything else that was going on seems madness.

time to ditch this so called partner with his massive issues over 1 boy and your kids to slurp it, right - not fair, not clever, not wise, actually bonkers

What ages are all your kids?

Is this real? Surely noone keeps having more and more children when they can't even accommodate the ones they have (who also have severe SEN)?

Your options a very limited. What about some clever partioning of the bedrooms? An extra reception room, as suggested above, is a good idea.

Would it be possible for them to sleep at DPs fathers, but spend the days at home with your family?

Does saying this make you feel better?

Would it be possible for your step-son’s old bedroom at your FIL’s house to be used? So the 1/2 weekends a month your partner and his son sleep at his dad’s house. That way he could have his own bedroom, so you wouldn’t need to kick your daughter out of her bedroom and have your step-son feel like he’s borrowing a bed. You could still spend time together as a blended family during the day, but have an acceptable sleeping situation for everyone.

I would try to find a house with a room that could be used as something else but then cleared when stepson comes. So either some combination of your 2 younger daughters and your shared daughter can move from 3 rooms to 2 or 2 rooms to 1 when stepson comes, OR another room in the house can be changed.

For example downstairs we have a kitchen, a dining room and a living room. It would be possible to have a nice sofa bed in the dining room instead of the china cabinet and to move the dining table to the kitchen when son comes to create a kitchen-dinner and a bedroom. Or a play room to have toys out in that have to be kept more tidily in bedrooms when son is there!

Sorry but it’s true though.

The OP CHOSE to blend families. and CHOSE to bring another child - her 5th - into the world, given she had four children already. Some with severe challenges.

Absolutely agree, all sounds very much.. "fingers crossed he won't want to stay anymore so my dc will get their own rooms"
Horrible attitude and total stinker of a dad.
Does it not give you the fear how he be if you split @sproglitsx4 ?
Where's your first 4 kids dad?

Also sm assuming it's his mum that's stopping the contact, am assuming the current contract isn't very positive for him. Op hasn't said how old the boy is, he could be a toddler!

I don't think OP came here looking for judgment, just help to consider different solutions.

OP you've had a lot of good suggestions so far, but it's hard to imagine how any of them would work without starting with a 4 bedroom house. You technically need 5 bedrooms to meet everyone's needs and there is only so much sharing and re-purposing of rooms that is possible. Can you make 4 bedrooms the non-negotiable aspect of your search and make compromises everywhere else as needed (e.g. location, condition of property)?

As a now adult who was once the SS - please don't do that or makes us feel unwanted!

What is a real concern is that her dp is telling her nothing about the court case that is ongoing regarding his son.
Bedrooms are the least of her worries.

If your step-son stayed in your bedroom during his visits, he would have a bedroom for his sole use and privacy. You and your partner sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge. You then have 5 daughters - the 2 eldest need separate bedrooms due to having additional needs. So the younger 3 daughters will need to share a room. Unless you moved into a 7 bedroomed property, not all the children can have their own bedroom. That's nothing more than a fantasy. Realistically, you need a 4 bedroomed property, a 3 bedroomed isn't going to work. Given the family setup, it's simply not feasible for your step-son to have his 'own' bedroom, that is going to stay empty for more days out of the month, than he's there. At best you can provide a bedroom for his sole use when he visits. You have 5 children who live in the home permanently, and in the circumstances, they have to be a priority. No, it's not ideal, but it is, what it is.

I just cannot understand why two partners with several children between them, particularly those with high health or other (legal) needs, think it is a good idea to have another child. Why???? Housing even five children is a big ask.
Pregnancies are preventable.

Since you’ve posted on the legal board hopefully you’ll get some proper legal advice.

That's a very good point

Freeing up a room for him to stay in whenever he is with you IS having his own room. There is no difference.. who would know?!

I can see why your partner wants to keep a space for his son given the court arrangements but the children living there the majority of the time sound as though their needs take precedence. Can you get a room divider so the older girls can have their own space? Lots of IKEA hacks to do this cheaply. Surely you aren’t taking up a bedroom when all these children have such little space? I cant see any Council/Housing associations giving you a 6 or 7 bed house so you need to focus on what you can do to make it more manageable.

sproglitsx4 is this in legal as your ex is putting pressure on the living arrangements? If so and he is making stipulations I assume his maintenance is generous for 4 daughters? Does he have a large house,?

Not clear if you are struggling to rent large houses, due to kack if availability? I'd make securing a property your priority. Ring all local estate agents and say you ready to move immediately. Look in surrounding areas, this takes precedence over easy commutes. Estste agents will be keen to help.

If finances are stretched, rent the largest property you can. In the meantime can you or your partner up your hours or take on a 2nd job?

And blend those families in the first place. See so many posts like this and it pisses me off how many women can't put their kids first. This is a shitshow and these kids are being failed - moving schools so many times and not getting the space they need because their mother moved a man and his now absent son in and then tied herself to him with another baby. Makes me really mad.

This. You already had 4 children 2 with profound needs, you've moved a new partner and his son in, had another baby and now 4 of them are sharing a bedroom.
This can't be real, is this supposed to stir up some benefit cap tension?

This situation is a mess but let's be practical.

You get a 4 bed allowance because of the girls. It's not right to not give them the bedrooms that are being paid for. And they're there all month. Your DP's argument that the bedroom should be empty for 28 days so 4 girls can share while he benefits from the additional HB is not on. So yes: Girls get their own rooms. DSS gets your room when he stays over. He gets privacy away from the girls, but you don't have 4 girls crammed into one room and 12yo isn't losing the room that she's having paid for.