Mum taking me to court for grandparents visitation.

[mummytoalittleboy]

-My mum is taking me to court for grandparents visitation over my 2 month old.
-My mum rang me a few nights ago screaming down the phone at me because me and my partner had decided to buy a puppy. She was saying I’m endangering my son’s life and that I have to get rid of the dog or she’s ringing social services and saying I’m neglecting my son. She then went on to ring my Nan and make up a list of ways she thinks I’m neglecting my son.
-For reference both me and my mum are qualified childcare practitioners and both have SEND training.
-Me and my partner recently moved into our own house a few weeks after our son was born and since we moved in she has tried dictating every little thing we’ve done in the house. We agreed we were doing carpet month by month as the rooms are rather large and each room would cost £950+ to carpet, she wasn’t happy with this as she wanted us to get every room done in one go knowing the move was unexpectedly quick and we didn’t have much money at the time of moving.
-She sees my son once for a few hours every week or two weeks when she decides she wants to come round. She has only ever had him twice for 3 hours each time so that I could unpack some boxes when we first moved in.
-She’s claiming I’m neglecting my son because she doesn’t agree with our decision to buy a dog, saying that I don’t clean his bottles because the one day she came round in the morning his bottles from the previous night were on the kitchen side waiting to be cleaned as he still had bottles made up. She’s claiming my house is dirty all because we haven’t put carpet down, for reference the previous tenants laminate is still down! She’s claiming I don’t clean my son as he had dirt on the bottom of his feet from when we had taken him in the garden a few hours prior to see if he liked the feeling of grass! She has now said she is taking me to court for visitation of him.
-For reference me and my mum have never had a good relationship. When I was younger she used to emotionally manipulate me, I would have my phone taken off of me for months at a time for not doing as she had asked within the minute she asked it right up until I turned 16 and moved into my nans house. My stepdad took me to my nans at midnight one night when I was 15 for my own safety where I stayed for over a week because my mum found out I was SH due to struggling with mental health. During that week my nan had to keep the door locked as my mum kept turning up drunk and screaming abuse at us through the letter box. The only reason I went back home was because she promised to seek help for her drinking and to go to therapy. She used to force feed me food that I didn’t like during my teenage years until I threw up and then would scream at me and throw things in my direction to scare me. My stepdad used to tear my room apart looking for things he could have a go at me over and then would refuse to let me leave the house until it was tidy, even to go to school. He once threw a plate at a wall just above my head to scare me.
-I have told my mum I do not want to see her or speak to her at all after accusing me of neglecting my son who is very obviously not neglected if you just look at the boy, the weight he’s put on is massive, he’s very advanced for two months holding his head up on his own, sitting up with little to no help, copying facial expressions. Because I have told her I want no contact at all and I would not allow her into my home to see my son and that I don’t trust her to have him on her own as she’s the sort of person that would refuse to give him back, she’s said she is taking me to court for visitation rights. I don’t want her anywhere near him.

Have I got a leg to stand on or will they grant her visitation?

not yet, i have contacted citizens advice and have made my health visitor and therapist aware of the current situation. I was more posting in here for advice on the situation to see whether I’d need a solicitor or whether it wouldn’t even be acknowledged by a court or go to court. From what it seems a solicitor wouldn’t even entertain my mums demented behaviour other than to take her money! I’m hoping she has no leg to stand on with all of this nonsense but it’s my mother so I know she’ll do whatever she can to get her own way just to spite me and prove a point x

OP, she says she's taking you to court but she doesn't have a leg to stand on. Don't give in to her bullying. From the sound of her I wouldn't want her near my child.

@mummytoalittleboy - ignore all the people being judgy. It's not something I would have done because it's a lot of work, but I presume you knew that and were prepared for it. You have it now and your HV is fine with the precautions you have in place, so crack on. Having the puppy and needing to walk it will give you the motivation to get out of the house for fresh air when the lack of sleep kicks in.

A well trained (purebred) Staffy is much safer around kids than many other breeds - it's just that the breed attracts a lot of irresponsible owners which is where the reputation comes from.

You sound really switched on for a 20 year old and it also sounds like you have some good support from your grandparents - it is brilliant that you opted into the extra HV support.

Don't worry about your mother - she has no rights and is just threatening court to try and intimidate you. If she does make a report to social services and they call or do a visit, it might be worth using it to your advantage to access some additional Early Help support. If you explain the background and your abusive childhood, they may also be able to signpost or refer into some therapy or counselling services to help you process that and keep your boundaries in place.

Proactively working with them will also stop you mother being able to use them to try and intimidate you in the future.

Thank you so much for this comment! It really means a lot! ❤️

I haven’t read the whole thread but I’d keep getting the health visitor to come and talk to them about what’s going on so if you need it, you have records of you being a good mum. I’d also talk ask if there’s support you can have if you need it in the future to deal with your abusive upbringing. This will also show you’re focused on being the best mum you can. I should add I’m not a lawyer but wish you all the best

mmmmm I smells rat here
What does that mean?

Oh god, OP - this thread got seriously derailed by the pooch - ignore it. Sounds like you have a handle both on childcare and dog ownership, thanks to your previous experience. I’m twice your age and pregnant with our first but it would be stupid for me to get a dog because I’ve never owned or trained one and I have no experience looking after small babies. You are in a different situation so just let those comments fly over your head.

On your mum, she sounds very much like mine was: fine as long as you did exactly what she said, exactly when she said it. Otherwise it’s full-on rage, threats, emotional blackmail and wheedling (in that order). If she still doesn’t get her way, she then tries to make life difficult by telling others how terrible you are, twisting the facts to suit her narrative, making her either the victim or the person just trying to save you from yourself. It’s sad and I always hoped she would change and we could move past it but I’ve realised it’s unlikely now. She’s not willing to accept any responsibility for her behaviour - some people really are just too broken. Does any of this sound familiar?

If so, pull things back a notch. The most effective way of dealing with her is to ignore her. She might try and cause trouble but your health visitor is comfortable with your house and how you are caring for your baby. Just keep that cool head you’re showing on here, clearly set out how you are adequately caring for your child and people will see that you are not the problem.

Good luck - you unfortunately sound like you will have a lifetime of crazy to deal with from your mum so remember: deep breath, let the frustration and anger at the unfairness of what she says/does go each time and just very neutrally get on with your life. A small smile and a ‘sure, sure, that sounds like an interesting opinion, mum’ each time works wonders. Look up the technique ‘grey rocking’. I promise, from my forties, that it works.

Finally, congrats on your new home, family and doggo! I hope you’ll all be really happy together.

When we moved in we were told we were allowed one cat or one dog as it’s a 2 bedroom council flat. I rang them to ask permission for the dog and then the day after picking up the dog I contacted them to let them know we have now got a dog. I’m hoping I did everything correctly please let me know if I didn’t! I went into hospital to be induced, 4 failed inductions from Saturday- Wednesday which resulted in an emergency section on the Wednesday morning because all the failed inductions had stressed my little boy out and his head got swollen and stuck in the birth canal. I’ve definitely heard of more traumatic birth stories however from how I had everything planned out perfectly for the birth of my first child to it all going horrifically wrong I’d personally class it as a pretty traumatic experience for myself. I’ve been struggling to find any mums and baby groups in my area within a suitable walking distance as I don’t drive 😩

The point is, when a poster comes on AIBU with an issue, that includes an obvious red flag, of course people are going to comment.
That's how it works.
Yes, your mum sounds like hard work.
But, as you have mentioned the dog, posters are free to comment on that as well.
You can't control how threads develop.

Please please do not get a dog at the moment, you say yourself you are still adjusting to living independently, you have a baby, you are still getting used to living with your dp. As for bottles, it’s really important to clean straight away so bacteria doesn’t start to multiply, lack of carpets isn’t an issue as long as the flooring is clean. Your mum sounds not quite right lets say and won’t get anywhere legally but please think through the dog thing and take advice from your nan too, you are very young and we can all do with advice

Lord, there's quite a bit of dog related drama on this thread.
I had 5 dogs when my son was born, various ages including a young pup!
You seem sensible and I'm sure you aren't daft thus won't leave a baby on the floor with unsecured dogs.
Your house, you'll sort as you go, I've just bought a house, it'll be a while till I'm able to full renovate it as I'm not made of money!

As for your " mother"... she doesn't have a leg to stand on and well done for having the strength to say no more to her, people who haven't grown up in abusive homes won't get it.
It takes a hell of a lot of inner strength to break that cycle.

I'm sure you and your little family will do just grand.

I agree. Its madness you got that breed especially with a baby
Why risk it ?

This isn’t AIBU, it’s legal matters.

She didn’t, she’s on Legal, looking for legal advice on the potential validity of her mum’s threats. Not AIBU looking for moral support for her choices.

Agree with this 100% - it wont be fair on you or the dog. You've just had a baby, why the rush to get a dog? So I see why your mum disagrees with that point, but ultimately that's none of her business and not a reason to try and say you are an unfit mother! Don't worry too much about the court case, she is just wasting her money.

Thank you so much for this comment. I really do appreciate it. The advice you have given is definitely being taken on and you couldn’t have been anymore helpful. I opted for extra HV support as even tho I do know what I am doing having a new baby is hard and I appreciate all of the support I get. My puppy is a purebred Staffy, both parents are completely Staffy. She is toilet trained and understands the commands sit, stay, lay down and to come when I call her name. I’ve booked all of her vaccines in, her flea and worming, regular nail clipping appointments and grooming and we’ve been looking into training places near us. For now I’m working on training her at home by myself whilst my little boy sleeps but she is definitely going to proper training as well. When I moved into my grandparents house at 16 years old they payed privately for me to go to therapy. I was given antidepressants and sleeping medication as I would sit for hours at night crying about all of the ways my mum hurt me physically and emotionally growing up. I will definitely look into going back into some form of therapy tho! I’m going to do everything that I can to work alongside social services. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my son!

@MsDoof, surprised you think my comments are ridiculous.
If you read my post, you must have noticed that I asked questions.
And until the OP clarified, it wasn't clear what her bottle cleaning regime is. I can only go by what is posted.

Yes, I didn't presume. In my line of work, unfortunately, I have come across countless babies and infants being brought in, in dire conditions due to complications from everyday practices like poor bottle cleaning regimes.

My mistake. Apologies

You asked and informed them when you got the dog. You will be fine 🙂
Be prepared for hard work OP, will be worth it in the end.

Good God woman you went though hell, dont minimise it!
I hope you are feeling better and more comfortable now (no judgement from me if you don't do any hovering for 12 weeks - I couldn't)
You may have to just do one M+B group a week and bus it there, if you have non in walking distance.

Sounds like you are trying your best 👌

Are you the first of your mums to leave home? My own mum struggled when I moved out at 19 with my son. She came across sometimes as controlling, in reality it was her own insecurities of me moving out, and a bit of empty nest.

Op has posted in LEGAL for advice. Just because the thread is trending, it's no excuse to pile in on her about her domestic arrangements. This is the LEGAL board. Not fair to derail Op's query. If you bother to read her replies she's responded sensibly anyway.

Ignore your mum, likely nothing will come of it.

The dog decision is crazy and shows your decision making process might not be as mature as you think it is. I'm glad you're getting extra HV support.

A family member has a baby a month or so older than OP’s. They asked their health visitor about pre making formula for day care with a relative and the advice was that if the cooled bottles are stored at the back of the fridge and used within 24 hours it was perfectly safe. A quick google confirms that this is NHS advice also.

I am the first to leave home yes! I moved into my nans when I was 16 due to the years of nasty behaviour from my mum, and then moved into my own home shortly after having my son! She has got another daughter who lives with her and two sons that live with her as well x