Mum taking me to court for grandparents visitation.

[mummytoalittleboy]

-My mum is taking me to court for grandparents visitation over my 2 month old.
-My mum rang me a few nights ago screaming down the phone at me because me and my partner had decided to buy a puppy. She was saying I’m endangering my son’s life and that I have to get rid of the dog or she’s ringing social services and saying I’m neglecting my son. She then went on to ring my Nan and make up a list of ways she thinks I’m neglecting my son.
-For reference both me and my mum are qualified childcare practitioners and both have SEND training.
-Me and my partner recently moved into our own house a few weeks after our son was born and since we moved in she has tried dictating every little thing we’ve done in the house. We agreed we were doing carpet month by month as the rooms are rather large and each room would cost £950+ to carpet, she wasn’t happy with this as she wanted us to get every room done in one go knowing the move was unexpectedly quick and we didn’t have much money at the time of moving.
-She sees my son once for a few hours every week or two weeks when she decides she wants to come round. She has only ever had him twice for 3 hours each time so that I could unpack some boxes when we first moved in.
-She’s claiming I’m neglecting my son because she doesn’t agree with our decision to buy a dog, saying that I don’t clean his bottles because the one day she came round in the morning his bottles from the previous night were on the kitchen side waiting to be cleaned as he still had bottles made up. She’s claiming my house is dirty all because we haven’t put carpet down, for reference the previous tenants laminate is still down! She’s claiming I don’t clean my son as he had dirt on the bottom of his feet from when we had taken him in the garden a few hours prior to see if he liked the feeling of grass! She has now said she is taking me to court for visitation of him.
-For reference me and my mum have never had a good relationship. When I was younger she used to emotionally manipulate me, I would have my phone taken off of me for months at a time for not doing as she had asked within the minute she asked it right up until I turned 16 and moved into my nans house. My stepdad took me to my nans at midnight one night when I was 15 for my own safety where I stayed for over a week because my mum found out I was SH due to struggling with mental health. During that week my nan had to keep the door locked as my mum kept turning up drunk and screaming abuse at us through the letter box. The only reason I went back home was because she promised to seek help for her drinking and to go to therapy. She used to force feed me food that I didn’t like during my teenage years until I threw up and then would scream at me and throw things in my direction to scare me. My stepdad used to tear my room apart looking for things he could have a go at me over and then would refuse to let me leave the house until it was tidy, even to go to school. He once threw a plate at a wall just above my head to scare me.
-I have told my mum I do not want to see her or speak to her at all after accusing me of neglecting my son who is very obviously not neglected if you just look at the boy, the weight he’s put on is massive, he’s very advanced for two months holding his head up on his own, sitting up with little to no help, copying facial expressions. Because I have told her I want no contact at all and I would not allow her into my home to see my son and that I don’t trust her to have him on her own as she’s the sort of person that would refuse to give him back, she’s said she is taking me to court for visitation rights. I don’t want her anywhere near him.

Have I got a leg to stand on or will they grant her visitation?

OP, it sounds like your mum has issues.
But i must say, you have said a few concerning things about your two month old.

• He is absolutely massive. Why? Is he overweight for his age? Overfeeding? Keep an eye on that.

• 'Sitting up with little to no help', this is absolutely not okay at 2 months and he shouldn't be doing that. His back and positioning should be supported.

• Buying a puppy when you have just had a baby who is only 2 months old - it doesn't seem the wisest decision. House training a new puppy and looking after a two month old while just moved into a new place and doing it up. I would wonder about your choices and decision making, tbh.

• Taking your two month old out for hours to see if they like the feel of grass resulting in dirty feet. Was your two month old standing? Was it muddy grass? For hours?

• The whole bottles by the side from the day before waiting to be washed is just.... too much of a health risk. Milk is a fantastic medium for bacteria. Are the bottles just washed and more milk made in them or are they sterilised after washing? Are they rinsed out after use while waiting to be washed?

OP, in the kindest way, I don't think your mum treated you well at all in your childhood from your account and I don't agree from what you have written that she should/would be successful in court but the examples you have listed above are concerning.

Your mum is a psycho, and you sound like you're doing fine. Don't let history repeat itself, keep her at arms length. A court would laugh at her trying to get legal access. Well done for asking questions on a forum, you're obviously pretty mature.

You really don’t need to worry. You are an adult. You are your child’s mother. In the very unlikely scenario that your mothers pursues this, a lawyer would warn her of her low probability of success and require her to pay a lump sum towards their legal fees upfront. Lawyers charge for every 6 minutes of their time. It adds up quickly. It sounds like you still have a good relationship with your grandparents, which is good. Who is your appointed next of kin? If you get married, it will be your husband. If not, you would have to tell the GP he is your preferred next of kin.

-I don’t mean quite literally massive, the health visitors have said he is a perfectly good weight. I mean as in compared to when he was born he looks massive. He was 7lbs7 when born and he’s 11lbs3 now. He drinks 6 ounce bottles every 2 hours, he’s always been a very hungry boy! 🤣 our health visitor said this is fine and to feed him on demand and that if he’d drink more than 6 ounces give him more and if he wants it more frequently to give it him when he wants it.

-his back and head are always both supported when he tries to sit up, I opted for extra support from then health visitor meaning I see her more often than the just basic timeframe and she has witness him pulling himself up. When strapped in his bouncer he lifts his own body up to sit up.

-there is nothing wrong with either my choices nor my decision making thank you very much. Plenty of people get puppies with a baby so that they grow up together.

-I said that I had taken him out onto the grass hours before. He was out there for a maximum of 10 maybe 15 minutes at most with us. The floor wasn’t muddy it was just little pieces of grass on his feet and some dust from the mud between the grass.

-and on the whole bottle situation, I said in my original post that they were on the side as they were the bottles used during the night. I also said how she came round relatively early in the morning, straight after the school run so 9/9:30. His bottles are made at 10am and 10pm daily. So the bottles on the side weren’t sat there all day they were made freshly before bed like I do every single day. His bottles are washed up using hot water and Milton liquid and then sterilised via steam sterilising in the microwave.

Extremely bad decision buying a puppy after moving house and having a baby. These are three very big life decisions made in a short space of time. Plus, you're both barely out of your teenage years yourself so not a lot of life experience behind you.

You say you're a qualified childcare practitioner, then you should know that cleanliness is important re baby bottles. Plus, you should know that the baby's head needs to be supported & they shouldn't be putting weight on their legs. You've indicated in your post that the baby isn't being appropriately handled in these areas.

I've noticed that you didn't name the breed of puppy. Is there a reason why you missed out that information & is this the reason why your mum thinks you've put the baby at risk? How are you going to handle the natural puppy biting/boisterous phrase when your baby starts to crawl? How will you keep him safe? I'd really recommend that you rehome the puppy and wait till your son is in at least primary school.

Getting a puppy is a really bad idea. Puppies are really hard work!

I agree with others that a puppy at this point in time is a bad idea. Get the house a bit more settled first and enjoy the time with your son before your time is taken up looking after a puppy. They're demanding and time consuming, not to mention expensive. I'd also question your thinking if you're spending £950+ per room on new carpets and you then get a puppy who will undoubtedly have accidents.

That aside, I doubt if your mum will have much luck with court. She has no established relationship with your child. Definitely dial back contact with her.

Especially with new carpets!

Your dog won’t be allowed in the children’s playground so you’ll need to factor in two dog walks a day as well as everything else.

I love dogs, but in your situation I would wait until you son is older.

Your mum is barmy. But I wouldn’t have a puppy shitting on my nice new carpets. What breed btw.

@ThankULord @ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan both of your comments on the bottles are ridiculous. No guidance anywhere says bottles must be washed immediately. They were on the kitchen side after use, presumably near the sink, ready to be washed and sterilised.
There is absolutely no indication of an issue with cleanliness in regards to the bottles, absolute nonsense from both of you.

Both myself and my partner have previously had dogs from puppies before moving out together. My mother has a German shepherd who she hasn’t done any training with, who my mother used to lock herself in the kitchen away from as she couldn’t get the dog to stop biting me and my two younger brothers because she didn’t bother training it. This is the same dog who she let lick my son’s face when he was 2 days old and who she let climb all over her lap and my son when she was holding my son. Being 20 doesn’t mean I don’t know how to look after and train a puppy!

I know how to clean and sterilise baby bottles. As I mentioned the bottles were what he had drank out of during the night. All of his bottles are emptied and rinsed out as soon as I get up for the day, and then washed up and sterilised like I mentioned in the comment you just quoted. I also, not sure if you just didn’t read it properly, said how I support my sons back and his head and not once did I mention him standing up and putting weight on his legs?

my puppy is an 8 week old Staffy. My partner and my grandparents did lots of research beforehand as we were looking at getting a dog before I got pregnant. Staffies are known as “nanny dogs” for a reason as they are good with kids, but like all dogs they require training and constant supervision around children. My son is never left alone in the same room as the dog, if my son is asleep in his bouncer then the dog is in his crate. The dog is crate trained and in the 2 weeks we have had the dog we have not had one single accident inside of the house as the lady that we got her off of got her going to the toilet outside. She gives us signals that she needs to go to the toilet and she gets taken outside to do her business. My mother doesn’t think my son is at risk because of the dog. She doesn’t like the fact that she demanded that i didn’t do something and that I’ve done it anyway I’m no longer letting my mother control and dictate what I do and she does not like this. She fell out with her sister, my auntie, when I was younger and phoned social services on her saying her partner was abusing her son when he wasn’t all because they had fallen out. I will not be rehoming my puppy thank you, I have not asked for advice on my dog I have asked for advice on how to deal with my mother!!

I have to say OP, this is a very mature well written response - I think you sound pretty switched on and are clearly making use of all the support available to you.

Your mum is clearly a strong character and in the camp of “that’s not how we did it in my day/my way is best”.

You are both currently in a heightened emotional state, if you’d said your relationship previously was good I’d have said sit down and calmly talk to her BUT it doesn’t sound like it was and the fact it was your grandparents helping you move suggests your upbringing/ relationship with your mum wasn’t great.

I can’t advise legally but I definitely would be reducing contact or going no contact and telling her why.

Genuinely baffled by some of the responses here op. You’ve replied calmly and patiently to people who are being extraordinarily judgy tbh! The bottles on the side waiting to be washed is perfectly normal, you’ve already justified that you sterilise them correctly. I don’t think many exhausted new mums are sterilising each bottle as they’re used in the middle of the night. I can see you’ve already had great advice on your actual question ie grandparent visitation is highly unlikely to be granted as they don’t have an established close relationship over a long period. My MIL does our childcare whilst I work and has since my little one was 8 months so she is an example of where it might apply, but from what you’ve described I don’t think your mum has a leg to stand on.

I think you need to sit down and have a chat with your mum and find out why she’s like this. If she won’t, then keep your distance. I don’t think you should get a puppy until your son is at school. It’s different if you’ve had a dog for years and then you have a baby. It only takes a second for your baby/toddler to grab the dog then the dog reacts because it is also very young.

I don’t want to hear comments about my choices on me getting a puppy. My mothers problem isn’t with the fact I got a puppy it’s with the fact that she tried dictating and demanding what I do and I didn’t do as she said because I will not be told what to do in my own home or with my son. She’s accusing me of neglect because she didn’t like that I told her she is no longer in charge of me and my life and that I wouldn’t be doing as she told me to anymore because I am not a child she can manipulate like she did to me my whole upbringing.

@mummytoalittleboy Are you really making up multiple bottles at a time? If so, please urgently contact your HV and ask them to talk you through how to safely feed your baby. You shouldn't be making up bottles in advance, it's not safe.

Your mum sounds unhinged, but regardless I really would urge you to ask for help in how to make you bottles safely. Once you know better, you do better.

Good luck with everything!

I couldn’t have done a puppy and a tiny baby but regardless of what any of us think of the accusations from your mother I would simply let her get on with it. Go no contact and get on with your life.

@mummytoalittleboy if they are stored properly then what is the problem exactly? I brought up 2 sons now strapping healthy lads of 15 and 26, did them zero harm whatsoever! Certainly didn't hide this from the health visitors and they had no issue with it.

Nanny dog? I didnt think anyone believed that bollocks anymore. The first person to call them that had his grandson mauled to death by one (look it up).

Let me guess, it's from a mate/gumtree (and so probably at least 70% XL bully)

That poor kid, doesn't stand a chance already.

Your mum sounds unhinged.

But getting a puppy when you’ve got a new baby, can’t afford to carpet the house, and have new carpets in some rooms doesn’t sound like a wise decision. How will you cope with any unexpected vet bills? Or when the puppy inevitably causes damage to your carpets/furniture? Are you intending on going back to work at some point? Who will look after the puppy then?

Again i haven’t asked for comments about my fucking dog. I asked for advice on how to deal with my mother. Comments about my dog are just getting ignored at this point. My health visitor has been to see us since having our dog and she had no concerns!!

Nobody said we cannot afford to carpet the house. We have a 2 bedroom flat. We have laminate down in the kitchen, bathroom and hallway and lounge. The only two rooms left to put flooring down is the bedroom to which we haven’t done as we’re doing it month by month and we still need to paint the babies room. We’re putting laminate down through the entire flat and that has been our decision right from the get go. I’m not going back to work until my son goes to nursery when he is 2 and by then our dog will also be 2.

Wow, you’ve got a lot going on, 20, young baby, new house, new puppy, but you seem to have it under control. I don’t expect there is any house where a new born lives that there aren’t numerous bottles by the sink at any point in the day waiting to be cleaned, I remember my house was an absolute tip for weeks after becoming a Mum. You have to be strong with your Mum and that might mean saying she can no longer see baby if she continues with the relentless criticism of you. Let her take you to Court with waiting times, she’s going to miss out on so much of his life if she goes that route, waiting times are probably at least a year.

I'm not going to get into an argument about it as obviously people will do whatever they want. But making bottles up in advance is absolutely not best practice, so I'm encouraging the OP to find out what the best practice is from professionals so she can do best by the baby she clearly loves. Or at least enable her to have all the information at hand so she can then make an informed decision on how she chooses to proceed.