Mum taking me to court for grandparents visitation.

[mummytoalittleboy]

-My mum is taking me to court for grandparents visitation over my 2 month old.
-My mum rang me a few nights ago screaming down the phone at me because me and my partner had decided to buy a puppy. She was saying I’m endangering my son’s life and that I have to get rid of the dog or she’s ringing social services and saying I’m neglecting my son. She then went on to ring my Nan and make up a list of ways she thinks I’m neglecting my son.
-For reference both me and my mum are qualified childcare practitioners and both have SEND training.
-Me and my partner recently moved into our own house a few weeks after our son was born and since we moved in she has tried dictating every little thing we’ve done in the house. We agreed we were doing carpet month by month as the rooms are rather large and each room would cost £950+ to carpet, she wasn’t happy with this as she wanted us to get every room done in one go knowing the move was unexpectedly quick and we didn’t have much money at the time of moving.
-She sees my son once for a few hours every week or two weeks when she decides she wants to come round. She has only ever had him twice for 3 hours each time so that I could unpack some boxes when we first moved in.
-She’s claiming I’m neglecting my son because she doesn’t agree with our decision to buy a dog, saying that I don’t clean his bottles because the one day she came round in the morning his bottles from the previous night were on the kitchen side waiting to be cleaned as he still had bottles made up. She’s claiming my house is dirty all because we haven’t put carpet down, for reference the previous tenants laminate is still down! She’s claiming I don’t clean my son as he had dirt on the bottom of his feet from when we had taken him in the garden a few hours prior to see if he liked the feeling of grass! She has now said she is taking me to court for visitation of him.
-For reference me and my mum have never had a good relationship. When I was younger she used to emotionally manipulate me, I would have my phone taken off of me for months at a time for not doing as she had asked within the minute she asked it right up until I turned 16 and moved into my nans house. My stepdad took me to my nans at midnight one night when I was 15 for my own safety where I stayed for over a week because my mum found out I was SH due to struggling with mental health. During that week my nan had to keep the door locked as my mum kept turning up drunk and screaming abuse at us through the letter box. The only reason I went back home was because she promised to seek help for her drinking and to go to therapy. She used to force feed me food that I didn’t like during my teenage years until I threw up and then would scream at me and throw things in my direction to scare me. My stepdad used to tear my room apart looking for things he could have a go at me over and then would refuse to let me leave the house until it was tidy, even to go to school. He once threw a plate at a wall just above my head to scare me.
-I have told my mum I do not want to see her or speak to her at all after accusing me of neglecting my son who is very obviously not neglected if you just look at the boy, the weight he’s put on is massive, he’s very advanced for two months holding his head up on his own, sitting up with little to no help, copying facial expressions. Because I have told her I want no contact at all and I would not allow her into my home to see my son and that I don’t trust her to have him on her own as she’s the sort of person that would refuse to give him back, she’s said she is taking me to court for visitation rights. I don’t want her anywhere near him.

Have I got a leg to stand on or will they grant her visitation?

Depends on what, if any, paperwork came with it.

I assume no paperwork or the op would have said..

This and part of me thinks that your mum is worried about you

OP, I think you might need to ask to close this thread. You're not getting the support you should have had here, I understand there were parts that some may have opinions on, but hounding you relentlessly isn't going to help. I hope you have people in your life you can turn to like your HV or friends? I'm sorry you've had issues with MH in pregnancy - this space isn't going to help with that sadly, though it could have. I hope you're ok and prioritise yourself and the baby in whatever way that means for you x

I suggested this upthread earlier on, and it’s interesting to note that there have been so many reports that MN have intervened with a post. I’ve seen threads go down rabbit holes before but this one is positively toxic. MN isn’t about support any more. Too many keyboard warriors lurking, waiting to pounce.

I think you're doing a great job OP, you may be young but it sounds like you have a sensible head on your shoulders and obviously only want the best for your son. Asking for additional health visitor support shows what a good mum you are. Ignore all the negative comments about getting your dog, you understand it will be hard work having a baby and training a puppy but its your choice at the end of the day! Also please try not to worry about your mum's threats, she absolutely won't have a leg to stand on. I hope she gives you some peace soon, and I wish you and your little boy all the best x

As a granny myself, I can see why your Mum is worried. You've moved away, you can't drive so you may be a little isolated, you're in a new flat that you're trying to make homely and on top of that you've got a newborn and a new puppy. That's an awful lot of change for anyone in a short space of time. She's not gone about it the right way, but I'd try and have a calm chat to her and build bridges. It takes a village to raise a child and don't deprive either of them of a loving relationship - but she doesn't get to throw her toys out the pram either when you're doing things she doesn't approve of. You're an adult and perfectly entitled to find your own way in life even if she thinks it's wrong.

There is always a compromise. May just take some finding.

Staffies are known as “nanny dogs” for a reason as they are good with kids

This is absolutely not true. It's a myth invented in 1971 by the editor of the Staffordshire Bull Terrier Club magazine. I can think of at least two instances where, after a child was ripped apart by a dog, it turned out their guardian had previously posted the "nanny dog" myth on social media.

As soon as I read the words "nanny dog" in your OP, it was a red flag. Getting a Staffordshire Bull Terrier when you have a baby shows poor judgment.

Or too many people who can’t read or don’t take the time to read the op’s posts properly and let what is actually said sink in before jumping to their own conclusions. Or posters who think because they have no experience of something then it’s all lies

I rarely agree that no contact is for the best, but I think in your case you'd be best going no contact with your mother, and get your support from your grandparents and health visitor. Join some local baby groups so you meet other mothers.
However, think very carefully about getting a puppy at this stage- they chew everything and often piss and crap on the floor at least in the first months- it'll ruin any new carpets you put down, and be a health hazard for your baby when they are crawling in a few months time. How are you going to walk it when it needs walking and the baby is asleep and your partner is at work? They're expensive to feed and vets bills are astronomical! Honestly, don't make a rod for your own back, and also ask whether it's fair on the animal to take it on at this time.

Calm chat

Have you not realised from OP’s posts there is nothing calm about this situation and you are asking her to sit down with someone who is abusive and controlling and have a calm chat

This isn’t something that has just come up and a calm chat will reassure this woman. These are just the latest controlling and abusive actions in a lifetime if abusive and controlling actions

As someone who had a mother who spent her life trying to control those around her and would scream and threaten to keep everyone in line then all I can say is put more distance between you and her and any of her flying monkeys who try to guilt you into letting her back into your life.

This woman isn’t worried about her daughter This is someone who is worried about losing control

I agree with the carpet issues and the pee and the chewing

But walking the dog with baby sleeping is easy. Just put baby down in the pram and go for a walk

Hi Op, I would agree with previous posters that you sound incredibly switched on for 20, especially given your chaotic childhood.

Unfortunately Mumsnet can turn into a bit of a pile on sometimes, I was considerably older than you when I posted as a first time mum, I asked if I could/should give my breastfed newborn water in the height of summer & I was absolutely torn to shreds!!

Some people saying give that baby water she’s going to die of dehydration (not true) and others saying what harm do you think waters going to do ffs? (Potentially true.) 🤣

So given you’ve posted so much about your current situation there was always going to be people looking for a reason to have a go, sadly.

I probably wouldn’t have got a dog personally, just because you have a lot going on already without the additional stress of a puppy, but hopefully you and your partner will train it well and there will be no issues. It’s not a risk I would take personally, but plenty of people (dog lovers) do.

Please don’t feel you have to explain yourself over every little thing, if there’s one thing I would change if I could go back it would be to trust my own judgment with my baby. If you know you’re doing what is best, in your opinion for your son - that’s enough. Don’t seek validation from others because everyone does it differently and there will always be someone to tell you, you’re doing it wrong.

I think cutting your mum off is definitely the right thing to do, easier said than done I know… but if you find it hard to speak up for yourself do it for your son. All the best!

She sounds toxic as hell OP don't let her control your life for a second longer, get professionals advice on this but I don't think she has a leg to stand on.

P.s please rethink the puppy situation, not because your mum is right, more that they are hard work! Don't do it to yourself, wait a year at least x

It’s not OP she’s worried about, it’s losing control. The compromise should have been found long before it was necessary for OP to move in with her grandparents or for her to have therapy.

Of course the dog you’re getting is a Staffy 🤦‍♀️ smh

What exactly do you know about staffys? Are you another uneducated person who knows nothing about the breed and does not know that they make excellent family dogs? They are not deemed dangerous and are not a restricted breed in any sense.

Storing the bottles in the fridge is fine if you do it properly. I had my child a couple of years ago and they had started with the “make them up one at a time” thing but even my HV said that this was because people were doing it incorrectly - storing it at room temperature, putting it in the fridge then in the baby bag for hours, letting baby drink some then put it back in fridge, or taking bottles out of the fridge and putting them back in later.

When I last checked the NHS website did say it’s better to do one at a time but had a section about storing bottles and said how to do it safely in the fridge. Unless someone can explain scientifically how this is uniquely dangerous then I would do it again with another child.

The washing up bottles thing is insane - of course it’s normal not to wash each individual one immediately in the middle of the night especially when they’re feeding every 2 hours! As long as they’re being washed and sterilised properly it’s fine.

Some people are being so patronising and I think it’s because of your age OP. You seem very mature - much more than I was at your age - and sounds like you’re doing well.

Your mum will get nowhere with this. These rights exist for situations where grandparents have basically acted as parents for a significant time.

And personally no I wouldn’t get a puppy and do think it’s a terrible idea but that’s OPs choice. There are plenty of people who already have a dog then have a baby and I don’t see people saying they should be rehomed. The most important thing is that baby and dog are never left alone together even for a minute and that the dog is properly trained which clearly OP already knows.

Good luck OP.

I believe the statistic that Staffordshire Bull Terriers commit 43% of UK attacks.
I know it’s not all Staffies, but it is a lot, you must admit. I just could’ve guessed that the immaturity of the OP matched with the choice of buying this breed of dog. I mean come on, what sensible individual buys a puppy (breed responsibly for 43% of UK dog attacks) when they have a newborn and no carpets?
I’m sure there are plenty of pleasant Staffies with pleasant owners, but it’s not exactly a sensible choice given the circumstances is it?
I also could’ve guessed that the Staffy owners would jump on like you have, it’s just so predictable.

What have you got to show that I’m immature? 🤣grow a pair🫶🏼

Erm… “🤣grow a pair🫶🏻”… case in point!

your assuming I’m immature when I can assure you I am very far from being immature. Not being funny but your commenting on something that I didn’t ask for comments on. I never once asked for any comments on my dog or choice of dog I asked for advice on my mother so kindly if you cannot comment and give advice on my mother and that situation please don’t comment just to bash me being a young mum assuming I’m immature because I’ve been gifted a dog. I didn’t choose the breed of my dog.

Ahh come on....if you are going to google, post all of the AI response you get and don't cherry pick - otherwise all you are doing is demonstrating irresponsible spreading of mis-information (which is also very immature):

While specific figures vary across studies, Staffordshire Bull Terriers are frequently cited as a breed involved in a significant percentage of dog attacks, particularly in the UK. For example, one study found that Staffordshire Bull Terriers and their mixes accounted for 43% of total dog attack disfigurements in the UK since 2005, according to the UK Parliament. Another study indicated they were responsible for 10% of attacks in a UK study. However, it's important to note that dog aggression can be influenced by factors beyond breed, such as training, socialization, and individual temperament.

The 43% includes mixed breeds which are known for being unpredictable but OP has already said her puppy is a pure breed. Staffy's are also a breed which attracts irresponsible owners who think they make them look tough and it is usually those that are aggressive!

She hasn't got carpet she's got laminate - which is a lot more sensible than carpet with both a baby and a puppy!

You let her in. You let her in with her apparently violent dog. You let her sit next to your baby with her violent dog that bit you and your brothers when you were younger!

Your mother sounds absolutely insane but your behaviour wasn't appropriate either. You need to stand up for yourself, refuse her entry and protect your baby! You therefore absolutely cannot allow her dog near your baby. Call the police if she tries to enter against your wishes, won't leave you alone, harass you etc.

You shouldn't let your dog be in the same room as your baby without any supervision or allow your dog access to the room your baby is in (for example when he's sleeping) without any adult supervision. Any dog can turn and you or the baby's father need to be there to protect your baby if that were to happen. But I am assuming that you're already aware of that and have a good protocol in place to ensure that.

I never once said I let her in. The door gets unlocked when my partner goes to work as I am then up for the day with my son. My mother doesn’t knock doors anywhere she walks in and she does so when she wants. But despite how she was with me growing up I thought she deserved to see her grandson and therefore didn’t tell her to leave and was taking him to see her at her house. it has only been the past few weeks that sh!t has hit the fan and the neglect accusations have been made. That was then when I told her she’s not welcome anywhere near or in my house, near me or my son. And not once have I ever had her dog in my house thank you very much for that assumption! How is my behaviour not appropriate? Kindly explain that as what choice did I have over her letting her dog near him when my partner had taken him to see my mother not me? My partner didn’t know about her dog biting us when we were children. My dog is never in the same room as my son unsupervised and if you have read my previous replies on this thread you would have read that I am constantly in the room with them both and we have a crate in the lounge in which the dog gets put in if I do need to leave the room for any reason. I am very well aware of how to keep my son safe around my dog thank you.