DS damaged a car but owner grabbed him

[OliveTree75]

So at around 5pm I got a call from my 12yo DS who was playing out. He was crying and said I would need to come to the park as he dropped his scooter and it has hit a car. He was very upset. A woman then came on the phone and said whilst he was apologetic that I would need to come down to her house.
My DP went down and looked at the damage. Very small dint where handle has hit the car. Annoying but he said we would pay. When they got home, DS was visibly very upset. I asked him to explain what happened and he told me:
He dropped his scooter and it hit the car and he panicked. Him and his friends looked around
but nobody there (residential area) and didn’t know which house car belonged to. He started to walk up the street. The man from
tne house then came out and shouted at him
to come back, which he did. He said he was apologising and started to cry. The woman has then gone up to him, grabbed him by his back pack and pulled him back to her house. He said he asked her to get off him.
Now this is not just me saying this as he’s my ds but he’s the softest, most gentle boy and he did not give them any abuse and came back when asked. Whether or not this was the corrext thing to do, I went back to the house and asked her to explain. They completely agreed with his story that they shouted and he came back but they were worried he would run so she grabbed his bag and kept hold of him until a parent arrived. I explained that he is 12 years old and having a man shouting at him and a women dragging him is not acceptable when he was apologising, crying and was walking back
to them. She tried to say I was only complaining to get out of paying but I explained we’ve already said we will pay and the car is not what I have an issue with. I explained that my ds is grounded and we will be paying for the car. However I am very angry she dragged my 12yo ds. Is her behaviour out of line or am I overreacting?
She also accused him of criminal damage but she even said herself it was an accident.

Sounds a genuine mistake that unfortunately caused a dink in the car, but totally and utterly unacceptable to drag anyone in these circumstances. But I can’t see why you would ground your son, that’s a bit OTT, poor kid made a mistake, owned up, been shouted at, dragged and then mum grounds him, that’s strange behaviour, why did you ground him?

Nobody 'knows' anything about how the damage was caused.

Scooter could have 'fallen'. Kids could have smashed into the car acting the fool.

Same for the CCTV. It 'could' show anything, although nobody involved has claimed anything more than OPs kid being 'dragged' by their bag. 'Dragged', as stated by a kid shitting himself over getting in trouble, could be very subjective.

You are right though, in that if OP intends to take this further, she probably shouldn't be handing over any money at this stage without taking legal advice.

You’ve got a very strange view of what is reasonable and proportionate… she asked him to return, which he was doing, but she grabbed him as well? Why?

Incase he left again. You don't have to wait for it to happen if you have a reasonable belief that it might. No injury was caused by grabbing his bag. That's proportionate.

The cowardly woman would not have dragged a six foot male, because he may have decided to use reasonable and proportionate force to stop her doing that…. Justifiably, if he had stopped when she spoke to him, so no need to drag him back.

How do you know the woman wasn't 6'4? And her husband wasn't 6'6? They might have been more than happy to grip a 6ft man up. Thankfully this 6ft male is a figment of your imagination.

In the real world, we're talking about a 12 year old boy who they decided didn't pose any threat of violence to them, but who may well have tried to leg it again. Hence feeling comfortable enough to grab his bag.

I also wouldn't call acting on a crime against your property cowardly. Quite the opposite, in this day and age.

rhey called to him and he was returning, no where does it say they deny dragging him. They went on about criminal damage, whilst admitting it was an accident.

They had no need to drag him, he returned when called.

They were unnecessarily angry about a simple accident, which OP is putting right.

I would phone the police. It's completely unacceptable that they put hands on your son and dragged him back to their house! It's a complete over reaction from them. A tiny ding that was a complete accident I wouldn't even have went out. I also don't think that he should be grounded, it was an accident and he is clearly upset over it.

I don't even like kids (child free) but if this was me and a little boy was walking towards me and crying I'd be dropping down to his level and doing everything to reassure him. What a nasty bitch.

He is 12 though. I don’t think he needs supervising to walk to a few friends houses to knock on them then walk to the park. 12 year olds do not need supervising to play out

My ds was using his friends scooter at the time

About the grounding, I have told him he’s no longer grounded. On reflection it was completely unnecessary. I think it was just an initial response before we got details of what had actually happened.

OP says he was apologising and crying, NOT 'making off'. So no, dragging an upset, frightened and apologetic 12 year old was not reasonable or proportionate.

I would message again and ask them to send over the cctv footage as prove of the scooter damaging the car!
if they don’t then tell them without it, you won’t be paying .
if they get arsey then hit them with a counter claim about dragging your son and tell them you will get the police involved.

I reckon there's three possibilities here.

A) This is a grumpy, rather unreasonable older couple that simply do not like children playing in their street.

B) This is not the first time this has happened to them and they are fed up with it, and decided to unfortunately make an example of OP's DS.

C) There is something about how the damage occurred that made them react in the way they did, not just a dropped scooter while walking past, they were messing about too close to people's cars.

I would probably be asking them why they felt the need to react in that way. If this is the 5th group of kids that's dinged their car, and they've paid out multiple times to fix damage while the kids have just given them the finger and walked off, like the kids round where I used to live used to, I could find a bit more empathy for that than if it had never happened before and it's a massive overreaction.

As for people saying he's going to be traumatised, catch yourself on. It was likely very normal for most of us as children to get a telling off from a grumpy neighbour if you pitched a football into their flower bed or something. Getting marched home by a neighbour to your parents to explain yourself also was pretty common if you damaged someone's property while playing where I grew up, and the embarrassment of that was seen as natural consequences for being a bit careless while playing. Yes, it's not ideal they handled the situation like they did, but it is also possible to keep it in proportion.

@CrazyGoatLady that is fair.

Also, this is not a police matter. Don’t waste their time.

I think that is excellent parenting… we’ve all said stuff then reflected, but you’ve been able to acknowledge that.

Ive no doubt the angry reaction of the couple made this accident seem far worse than it was.

Equally, he damaged her car. So there’s two sides to this - both in the wrong tbh.

If your son had his school ruck sack why did he not leave a note on the car?
Did your son make a note of the registration and take photos at the scene in order to go back later and pay up?
No?
So your son had no intention of fixing the damage
He had to be chased down the street.
You coul make this a favour for parenting during the teen years about taking responsibility when you have freedom and choices.
Or you can go down the little prince should not be shouted at route

@OliveTree75 The woman has then gone up to him, grabbed him by his back pack and pulled him back to her house. He said he asked her to get off him.

So, to be clear, she attempted to force a child without his consent into her home, and held him in a way that caused fear and distress.

Call 101. If the police choose to ignore the this couple's conduct, then consider legal advice and contact the council safeguarding team.*

Look, I do support 'it takes a village' to raise a child. I'm just not in support of aggression, attempted abduction and common assault.

(*If this woman is prepared to assault a stranger's child, then I would be very concerned about any children she has regular contact with)

We have had a conversation about what to do next time but what you describe is an adults way of dealing with an incident. No I wouldn’t expect him to start taking photos. I have told him next time just to call us and we will come and help deal with it.
I would not expect him at 12 to know that in that situation as an adult you take reg plates and photos

He’s 12……. Did you miss that bit?

But I’m sure he had learnt now,

So chalk it up to one of those things. He is 12, the car owners also didn't know what to do, everyone is just muddling along.
They didn't call the police or put his picture up on the local Facebook for name and shame. The woman, rather than the man got a grip of his rucksack. Not sure I'd been that brave with teen knive crime.
Nothing was ideal but everything gets sorted. Stuff happens, I'm sure your lad will bounce back.
On a side note, I'm still pretty salty at paying £160 to fix a scratch on an exmates car that I'm pretty certain her dog did and then the body shop polished out with T-cut. It was years ago, I bear a long grudge! Your son may have similar long-term memories of that stretch of pavement.

The car owners had the experience of age and should not have dragged him.

Yeah get over the mark on your car that you’re “pretty certain” about.

I would tell her you want to discuss the whole incident with the police. Say because it escalated to something physical you don't want to discuss informally.

Exactly @OliveTree75. How is a twelve year old child supposed to know that these two adults were genuine and not just a couple of predatory adults who saw an opportunity to snatch a kid? And yes, it does happen. And no it’s not a common everyday occurrence.

I remember learning stranger danger at school (1980’s Australia). In this scenario of aggression and being grabbed we were taught to yell/scream, to draw attention, and to run to the nearest safe house or shop or safe public space.

We haven’t grown soft these days. Our standards around protecting kids might be getting lower. I don’t remember any adult in a similar situation reacting that way when I was kid.

Because he's 12.

Call 101 and tell them what happened- could be seen as child abduction/hostage taking as keeping a child by force without their will-I doubt she will give you the cctv but police could ask neighbours of theirs for cctv, don’t leave it OP you need to show your child your sticking up for them