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Original poster

Relationship Breakup and Child Custody - help needed

64 replies

Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:10

DBrother and his gf have been together around 10yrs and have 2 children together (7 and 8 years old). Not married.

Living together in a house purchased outright as tenants in common.

Relationship has broken down and they need to go their separate ways (urgently as relationshiphas got very toxic). Neither work and neither can afford to buy somewhere else with the money they would get from the sale of the house.

Gf now wants to take the children back to her home town 3+ hours away. Both parents are heavily involved and would want 50/50 custody. Can gof just up and leave with the children? DB would not be able to afford to move to her home town and contact would be very difficult (can't afford travel and hotels etc to visit)

DB is disabled and cannot deal with these issues on his own so I'm going to have to try to take him to see a solicitor ASAP (tricky with my schedule and we don't live close). He's worried about going to court as he thinks the court could order that gf and dc could stay in the house until the dc are 18 and he will have no money as the house can't be sold until then. Is this true?

I know we really really need to see a solicitor ASAP and I'm working on it but grateful for any advice/pointers in the meantime

OP posts:
Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:13

Just to add, at the moment I'm not even sure how he would be able to afford a solicitor/court. He has literally no money (doesn't work and doesn't claim benefits even though he probably could)

OP posts:
Halfemptyhalfling · 06/05/2025 22:16

I think gf will need support and to move on so best she moves to her home town. If your dB can drive perhaps he could live in a van and visit. Otherwise perhaps he could travel by train and gf could help with costs and somewhere cheap to stay overnight

ToKittyornottoKitty · 06/05/2025 22:18

Halfemptyhalfling · 06/05/2025 22:16

I think gf will need support and to move on so best she moves to her home town. If your dB can drive perhaps he could live in a van and visit. Otherwise perhaps he could travel by train and gf could help with costs and somewhere cheap to stay overnight

Why are you assuming he won’t get 50/50 custody? He can’t live in a van and care for his children.

CuriousGeorge80 · 06/05/2025 22:18

@Halfemptyhalflingwould your advice be the same if it was a man who wanted to move his children three hours away from their mother who wouldn’t be able to visit?

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 06/05/2025 22:19

If your DB is so disabled that you have to help him and he can't work, how is he going to care for and financially support two young children for 50% of the time?

Mayflyoff · 06/05/2025 22:20

Halfemptyhalfling · 06/05/2025 22:16

I think gf will need support and to move on so best she moves to her home town. If your dB can drive perhaps he could live in a van and visit. Otherwise perhaps he could travel by train and gf could help with costs and somewhere cheap to stay overnight

This is very odd advice.

CosmicCuppa · 06/05/2025 22:22

Does DB not work due to disability or because he is just out of a job. If he’s seeking 50/50 he’s going to have to provide for the children which if he needs this much help, is he going to be able to do?

DorothyStorm · 06/05/2025 22:27

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 06/05/2025 22:19

If your DB is so disabled that you have to help him and he can't work, how is he going to care for and financially support two young children for 50% of the time?

This. How on earth will he manage two small children if he needs you to arrange for him to see a solicitors?

and how is he going to house and feed them?

Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:28

Halfemptyhalfling · 06/05/2025 22:16

I think gf will need support and to move on so best she moves to her home town. If your dB can drive perhaps he could live in a van and visit. Otherwise perhaps he could travel by train and gf could help with costs and somewhere cheap to stay overnight

Yes, she probably will need support and i get it from her point of view. Childcare is 50/50 currently and was 100% DB when GF was working.

Trains are hundreds of pounds so that's not realistic. He does drive but struggles with affording petrol

OP posts:
DogWithoutItsPerson · 06/05/2025 22:30

Why do neither of them work? This all sounds a bit crazy.

Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:30

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 06/05/2025 22:19

If your DB is so disabled that you have to help him and he can't work, how is he going to care for and financially support two young children for 50% of the time?

He has coped absolutely fine with feeding, clothing, caring for the children and getting them to school. But his crippling anxiety is stopping him from getting any help in this situation and it's getting worse and worse

OP posts:
Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:32

CosmicCuppa · 06/05/2025 22:22

Does DB not work due to disability or because he is just out of a job. If he’s seeking 50/50 he’s going to have to provide for the children which if he needs this much help, is he going to be able to do?

He's never worked. It's mental health issues. No idea how he would provide for them. I have just been told he is now claiming benefits but doesn't get much. I'm guessing that is what he shirts on food and bills but has little left over (same situation as gf).

Sorry I don't know all the details and trying to deal with this as best I can

OP posts:
Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:33

DogWithoutItsPerson · 06/05/2025 22:30

Why do neither of them work? This all sounds a bit crazy.

Don't even get me started on that but they don't. Gf did work for a bit but didn't share the income with DB

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 06/05/2025 22:34

He needs to see about claiming benefits. Citizens Advice could advise.

Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:35

DorothyStorm · 06/05/2025 22:27

This. How on earth will he manage two small children if he needs you to arrange for him to see a solicitors?

and how is he going to house and feed them?

Edited
Show quote history

That's the problem. I don't know how he is going to house them. It's a total mess and I don't know how to start.

The only thing I can think of is he needs to contact the council or seek the house and use the money to rent but that will eventually run out

OP posts:
DogWithoutItsPerson · 06/05/2025 22:35

It sounds like going to her family might be best for the children.

How does your DB propose that he financially supports himself and the children 50% of the time?

Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:36

S0j0urn4r · 06/05/2025 22:34

He needs to see about claiming benefits. Citizens Advice could advise.

Edited

Sorry I've now been told he is now claiming benefits as GF was keeping her wages and benefits to herself. He's been too anxious to call up in the past or however it is you apply so for many many years neve claimed whilst they lived off GF bebefits

OP posts:
Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:38

He could potentially live with relatives but that would be at least 3 hours from the children depending on whether they stay in the area or move back to gf home town

OP posts:
Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:42

Can she legally just move the children half way across the country away from their dad?

OP posts:
Tiswa · 06/05/2025 22:49

Yes in theory she can there is no automatic legal restriction to moving within the UK - that said yes he could take her to court to stop her.

I think this is a tricky one because I can see from her perspective that moving near her family and having their support is a good thing and what she needs.

but I can also see it could stop his relationship with his children.

what is the housing situation? It seems he is scared about that?

and also the she kept her money well perhaps she needed to for the children.

tread carefully here and don’t overstep

Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:51

But if he goes to court to stop her leaving will she then be given the house by the court to live in until the children and 18?

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 06/05/2025 22:51

Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:30

He has coped absolutely fine with feeding, clothing, caring for the children and getting them to school. But his crippling anxiety is stopping him from getting any help in this situation and it's getting worse and worse

Show quote history

That's a sad life for children though. Living with a parent who keeps them alive but adds no other value will disadvantage them massively.

He cannot have 50/50 of his children when he has never worked due to such poor mental health. of course she didnt give him money. She was the only adult working and has two children and an unemployed adult to support.

do you honestly think it is in the children‘s best interest?

Tiswa · 06/05/2025 22:55

Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:51

But if he goes to court to stop her leaving will she then be given the house by the court to live in until the children and 18?

What is the house? One they own together rented, his etc?

is she leaving and letting go of the house

Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:56

They both have severe mental health issues so I really don't know if one parent is preferable to the other. GF had recently seemed to get a bit better and started working for the first time but has now had to stop working again due to the mental health issues. She previously struggled to look after the kids which is why DB did all the parenting. However she has started to step up over the last few weeks

I really don't think there's an ideal situation whatever happens but the children would be devastated not too see both parents

OP posts:
Original poster
Gdrhbxfhcg · 06/05/2025 22:57

Tiswa · 06/05/2025 22:55

What is the house? One they own together rented, his etc?

is she leaving and letting go of the house

Show quote history

Both own it outright (given money for house by family) as tenants in common.

I think they are now looking to sell the house although they have been saying that for a while and never gone through with it. I don't know how either will be able to buy another place though

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