I feel so guilty after ex's arrest for Domestic Violence

[Bigredtrain]

Hi,

My ex partner (together for 13 years, have three children aged 10 and 8- twins) broke up around 18 months ago (his decision). Since then he has become extremely emotionally controlling and manipulative. I self referred to a local domestic abuse charity who have been supporting me Iver the last few months.

Anyway this morning he came to see the children in my house and was in (yet another) bad mood as his girlfriend may be breaking up with him. He generally resents me so much for the breakdown of our family despite the fact that he made the decision and wouldn't even consider couples therapy.

He was ranting and raving about how we need to close our joint bank account (which we only use for the insurance benefits equally) and how he wants his name off the Amazon Prime account (which I pay for). Completely ridiculous and bizarre conversation for 2 days before Christmas if you ask me. We got into an argument about this, he told me he was leaving despite the fact I've had no childcare for 2 weeks and needed to go Christmas shopping for the kids.

I followed him out of the room, he then turned around, picked me up and threw me across the room. When I got up I said I was calling the police, he then said I was the aggressor and he was 'defending himself' because I was angry so he was calling the police on me? I swiped the phone out of his hand (I literally did not touch his body). He responded by picking me up again and throwing me across the room then dragging me up by my clothes and throwing me again.

He then wrestled my phone from me and only gave it back when my poor 10 year old appeared at the door. I immediately left and went to my brothers, called DV worker and police. Tonight I visited the police station to talk about it, I hadn't decided yet whether to give a statement but they rang me back to say they were going to arrest him tonight.

I feel sick, I can't sleep as I feel so guilty. He told me afterwards that I was aggressive to him so he was 'defending himself'. He will probably lose his teaching job. He won't see the kids at all for Christmas. I feel like I'm in a living nightmare.

Help.

What a weak horrible vile man. You did right. Don't feel guilty.

It's frightening for a child to witness/experience domestic abuse.i grew up in a DV household and was also punched kicked etc and it does leave it's mark decades later.

I never had the nerve to report my ex so you are already doing so much better than me! You are a brave woman @Bigredtrain . Make the statement. His job, his behaviour, none if of it, is down to you. He's a grown man who decided throwing you against a wall was "self-defence". No. Not acceptable.

How can he even try to label that as defensive behaviour? Unbelievable.

Such a frightening experience for you, and your poor child hearing that and appearing in the doorway to try to manage it. Terrifying. Imagine them/anyone seeing this in the street? Why is it ok because it's in their home? It's even worse! There will be a massive impact on your child.

Absolutely do not minimise this.

You know OP until we call out these violent, abusive men things won't get better for women and girls. My late mother was a copper on the domestic abuse division, she saw it all. You've done nothing wrong. Your kids need a upstanding decent father, not a arse wipe like this man. I hope he goes to prison. Any scentance and he can no longer teach including a caution. He could have killed you if you'd hit your head. If he's got a key go to B and Q and get a new lock barrel. There are videos on YouTube on how to change it.
Get a violence against the person order so he's nowhere near year.
Fwiw my BFF nearly died at the hands of her ex. Shes still scared of him and she left in 2006.
What a c*nt.

If his gf is splitting up with him I hope she's going to be ok too.

He knows the consequences of a criminal conviction on his employment yet he still assaulted you anyway, twice. That’s because the arrogant prick thinks you won’t report him. Do. He threw you across a room like a rag doll. He could’ve killed you in front of your child.

He assaulted you three times.
No, you didn't suffer any serious harm, this time, but it only takes one awkward fall/landing.
Twat.
Needs locking up.

Your children heard all that and you are worried about him???

He could have seriously hurt you/ killed you.

This is what abusers do turn their anger and mistakes back on the person - its all their fault for doing this…. or saying that…. It isn’t he’s a fucking adult who is responsible for his own actions! He’s a piece of shit and until you make a stand he will believe that this is acceptable… all in hearing/ seeing distance of your 10yo.

You and your children deserve to feel safe in your home - press charges, get an injunction and never see him again. Use mediation for the children (not that he deserves to see them!) Safeguarding will now be involved and he will be referred to LADO (if you live in the UK and he works with children) for assessment. He absolutely needs to be sacked- he is not fit to teach.

You need to do this for you and the kids! take care xxx

You have just done a profound and brave thing OP.

You have protected your children and yourself.

You should be proud not guilty.

You have zero to feel guilty about!!!
What he deserves is to be completely cut off from you and your children’s’ lives.
Zero contact.
You owe him absolutely nothing.
well done for leaving.. you’ve done your children an enormous service ♥️
Look ahead and don’t let him into your lives xx

Read this over and over again.

This is how abusers operate. How Narcissists Use DARVO to Avoid Accountability

Read this. He may not be a narcissist but he's playing from their playbook.

Trust me once you see the game for what it really is you won't be manipulated by this man ever again. They use these tactics over again so you can't help but doubt yourself because it's repeatedly turned round onto you. But it ISN'T YOU. It's all him.

I hope you feel better soon. You've done the right thing. He reaps what he sows.

I think you just need to forget about him now today, and concentrate on Christmas with your kids.

Children should never ever have to witness such behaviour, whether overheard or actually seen. Especially not in their own home which should be safe. Prioritise your children. Give the statement. You need to sort out different contact arrangements. You should be feeling guilty about the children not your violent ex.

You know you weren't aggressive to him, so does he. The only person who needs to feel bad about this is him. Be grateful that your children don't have to see and hear any more of his violence this Christmas.

This.

But if he's abusive, why are your lives still entwined?

He shouldn't be seeing the dc at your house.

get him off your Amazon account and bank account.

Communicate with him as little as possible.

This is not your fault.

The consequences of his actions are absolutely his fault. He is to blame for all of this.

He's a TEACHER??? He should be sacked immediately.

You did nothing wrong, he came into your house and took his anger out on you, he blames everyone for his problems and abusive actions. One day his anger will directed at your children, will you see your ex throwing your Dc around the room like a rag doll as being your Dc fault? No you won’t!

You have been conditioned by your ex for years to take the blame and not rock the boat so he can carry on being an abusive c*nt without facing the consequences of His Actions. You have to break the cycle of abuse, you need to show your Dc that ignoring abuse is wrong and no one has the right to abuse anyone. That the consequences his actions created are on him.
They are scared they can’t protect you from him but they also think it’s normal to live in fear as they have been brought up in that environment so it’s so important for you as their mum to stand up against your ex. For them for them witness you standing up against him and to show them right from wrong so your children don’t grow up thinking it’s ok to abuse their future partners. X

On behalf of the children he teaches, THANK YOU for getting this horrible man out of the classroom.

And who's going to be sorry when he kills you and leaves your children without a mother?????

Don’t feel guilty about the consequences he will experience for his actions. He chose to assault you.

There is a difference between being angry and being aggressive. You were angry for good reason. Let’s say hypothetically you were aggressive, as unlikely as that is. He could have easily have just left. If he is strong enough to pick you up and throw you around like a rag doll he is strong enough to keep you at arms length until he is out of your home. But I doubt anyone would believe you were aggressive and threatening to him given how much stronger he is.

And, yeah, someone so prone to violence shouldn’t be working with children

@Bigredtrain nothing to feel guilty about. This is on him.

and I know this isn’t the time but when I had to do similar with an ex he started running up debt or messing up accounts that still had his name on so maybe take him off amazon if you have payment details linked on it.

Good luck - honestly this is all on him. Imagine what your children would feel if they witnessed all of this! Imagine what could have happened if your 10 year old didn’t come in at that point?

going forward work with the police on the possibility of a non molestation order so he can’t enter the house etc. I’d look at a parenting app for all discussions about the children going forward or keep it to WhatsApp.

No guilt.he did this.
He can get a defense lawyer and plead insanity or whatever.
He can explain to his employer.
Now keep him out your house
Delete him from every joint account amazon whatever.
Tell your kids he has behaved badly and needs time out.
Have a peaceful Christmas without him.
Do not have him in your house again ever.