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Original poster

I feel so guilty after ex's arrest for Domestic Violence

80 replies

Bigredtrain · 24/12/2024 02:39

Hi,

My ex partner (together for 13 years, have three children aged 10 and 8- twins) broke up around 18 months ago (his decision). Since then he has become extremely emotionally controlling and manipulative. I self referred to a local domestic abuse charity who have been supporting me Iver the last few months.

Anyway this morning he came to see the children in my house and was in (yet another) bad mood as his girlfriend may be breaking up with him. He generally resents me so much for the breakdown of our family despite the fact that he made the decision and wouldn't even consider couples therapy.

He was ranting and raving about how we need to close our joint bank account (which we only use for the insurance benefits equally) and how he wants his name off the Amazon Prime account (which I pay for). Completely ridiculous and bizarre conversation for 2 days before Christmas if you ask me. We got into an argument about this, he told me he was leaving despite the fact I've had no childcare for 2 weeks and needed to go Christmas shopping for the kids.

I followed him out of the room, he then turned around, picked me up and threw me across the room. When I got up I said I was calling the police, he then said I was the aggressor and he was 'defending himself' because I was angry so he was calling the police on me? I swiped the phone out of his hand (I literally did not touch his body). He responded by picking me up again and throwing me across the room then dragging me up by my clothes and throwing me again.

He then wrestled my phone from me and only gave it back when my poor 10 year old appeared at the door. I immediately left and went to my brothers, called DV worker and police. Tonight I visited the police station to talk about it, I hadn't decided yet whether to give a statement but they rang me back to say they were going to arrest him tonight.

I feel sick, I can't sleep as I feel so guilty. He told me afterwards that I was aggressive to him so he was 'defending himself'. He will probably lose his teaching job. He won't see the kids at all for Christmas. I feel like I'm in a living nightmare.

Help.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 24/12/2024 10:45

Your kids heard him at the very least.
Let the police decide what happens to him. Just tell them what he did. Tell the truth.

You aren't responsible for any consequences he will face. It's all on him.

theallotmentqueen · 24/12/2024 10:46

Bigredtrain · 24/12/2024 02:39

Hi,

My ex partner (together for 13 years, have three children aged 10 and 8- twins) broke up around 18 months ago (his decision). Since then he has become extremely emotionally controlling and manipulative. I self referred to a local domestic abuse charity who have been supporting me Iver the last few months.

Anyway this morning he came to see the children in my house and was in (yet another) bad mood as his girlfriend may be breaking up with him. He generally resents me so much for the breakdown of our family despite the fact that he made the decision and wouldn't even consider couples therapy.

He was ranting and raving about how we need to close our joint bank account (which we only use for the insurance benefits equally) and how he wants his name off the Amazon Prime account (which I pay for). Completely ridiculous and bizarre conversation for 2 days before Christmas if you ask me. We got into an argument about this, he told me he was leaving despite the fact I've had no childcare for 2 weeks and needed to go Christmas shopping for the kids.

I followed him out of the room, he then turned around, picked me up and threw me across the room. When I got up I said I was calling the police, he then said I was the aggressor and he was 'defending himself' because I was angry so he was calling the police on me? I swiped the phone out of his hand (I literally did not touch his body). He responded by picking me up again and throwing me across the room then dragging me up by my clothes and throwing me again.

He then wrestled my phone from me and only gave it back when my poor 10 year old appeared at the door. I immediately left and went to my brothers, called DV worker and police. Tonight I visited the police station to talk about it, I hadn't decided yet whether to give a statement but they rang me back to say they were going to arrest him tonight.

I feel sick, I can't sleep as I feel so guilty. He told me afterwards that I was aggressive to him so he was 'defending himself'. He will probably lose his teaching job. He won't see the kids at all for Christmas. I feel like I'm in a living nightmare.

Help.

Honestly I wouldn't feel guilty at all, sounds like he's being terrifying. A referral to the police won't only bring job loss - hopefully it will also bring (VERY MUCH NEEDED) mandatory therapy for DV, so in a way you're not ruining his life at all, you're helping him to break a terrible pattern. He is the sole reason for the destruction of his relationships - hopefully he will get help so he no longer destroys the things that are important to him.

One thing I would be careful of is DARVO, which it sounds like he's trying to do. It's very common for perpetrators to turn around and accuse the victim of abuse. I'd make sure you're prepared with evidence of his violence toward you (photos of injuries inflicted? Screenshots of harrassing messages? Anything you can get).

AgreeableDragon · 24/12/2024 10:48

Please do not feel guilty! You're cold witnessed their father hurting their mother. You're actions were spot on. You're teac you're children that violence against another person is not acceptable.
Please follow through and give that statement to the police.

BTW, He should not be teaching children every again!

Insidelaurashead · 24/12/2024 10:49

Your 10 year old, who saw some of this, needs to learn that actions have consequences. They will see that, because the police will do that they feel is right.

JFDIYOLO · 24/12/2024 11:03

I'm so sorry, hope you have been able to find support and are all safe today?

Some great advice here.

Please let his girlfriend know what he has done so she can make a wise informed decision.

And tell the school. He cannot be around children. Look what he did in front of his own.

MollyButton · 24/12/2024 11:17

Next time you feel guilty: imagine you were at the school gate and heard one of the teachers had done this to their partner/wife/ex...
I for once would be storming in to demand they were no where near my children.

You did the right thing.

slightlydistrac · 24/12/2024 11:18

Oh my love, you are the VICTIM of his abuse and violence. Flowers

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel any guilt at all. He is totally 100% responsible for his actions, and he is the only one to blame.

SpryCat · 24/12/2024 11:40

A lot of people in abusive relationships don’t feel they have any choice but to stay, your ex did you and your Dc a massive favour by leaving! He let you go only because (reading between the lines I think he found a new woman) it was his decision to leave, had it been you wanting to leave he would have tried to force you to stay. He is incapable of love, he only loves to control. He is having problems with his new gf (victim) and decided to take out his anger on you, so please stop feeling everything is your fault for everything he does, free yourself and your Dc from his abuse. You are in control of your own actions not those of other people, tell the truth @Bigredtrain and show your Dc that they should never put up with being abused nor abuse others.

Figgygal · 24/12/2024 12:04

What he did was a choice
Don't feel bad at all

YouMeandBrie · 24/12/2024 12:06

He did this, not you and any consequences of his behaviour are on him. I hope you’re ok.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 24/12/2024 12:14

Do not feel guilty.
He threw you across the room 3 times!
He's manipulative in the extreme.
Do not have him in your life and make sure he knows you will follow through!

JFDIYOLO · 24/12/2024 13:04

Remove the remaining hooks that drag you together. Take his name off the Amazon thing. Close the joint account (ensuring of course his maintenance payments have a secure destination on your name). Anything else - get rid of it.

And no more meetings in your home. Your space. Your refuge. Public space only. Where there are witnesses and so more of a curb on his behaviour.

Who knows what kind of damage he's done to the children seeing him assaulting their mother in their own home.

dizzydizzydizzy · 24/12/2024 17:07

You did the right thing, OP. None of this is your fault. You are the victim - you got thrown across the room. There are no circumstances where this would be justified, unless you were about to murder him.

Original poster
Bigredtrain · 25/12/2024 00:59

Thank you so much everyone for your supportive replies, honestly it has helped so much. I think my guilt is completely entwined with the psychological abuse I have endured for a very long time, despite the fact that I know what he did was wrong, there's still that tiny bit of my brain that thinks it was somehow my fault. Especially as he is using self defence as a reason and is minimising what happened. And the fact that it's Christmas Eve, I feel bad for him (wtaf is wrong with me???) I have in the past worked with abused women and would encourage others to talk to police/access support, I can't believe I'm here.

Today has been hell, trying to be cheery and Christmassy for the kids but inside so horribly anxious and mentally tortured. He was non the wiser all day about police involvement as the police couldn't find him last night - he was sending me messages about ideas for last minute Christmas gifts, like everything was normal (I haven't responded).

The waiting game re the police has made it worse, they have called me tonight to say they have finally arrested him. By the sounds if it he was claiming self defence as expected. At least I won't have to call 999 in the morning when he shows up like everything's fine in Christmas Day.

I am looking to take out a non molestation order on him, and safeguarding have got involved due to abuse in the home. That what breaks my heart more than anything. Two of my children have autism struggle enough with anxiety as it is, I want to do everything I can to protect them.

I still can't stop thinking about how he's charmed the police officers questioning him and all of his family into believing his version of events.

Thank you THANK YOU thank you honestly

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 25/12/2024 01:04

He won't have charmed the police they'll have met his kind before.
Try and get some sleep and have a good day tomorrow.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/12/2024 01:20

if you had hit your head when he threw you across the room, you could be dead.

Your 10 year old child witness would be motherless.

SpryCat · 25/12/2024 05:51

Your Dc will thank you one day, for being brave enough to stand up and report him. For keeping them safe and being a loving mum x

BCBird · 25/12/2024 06:06

Do not have him.at your house ever again. You have done nothing wrong. He is the guilty one. I'm a teacher and struggle to think he is fit to teach if he can react like this. There will be times when he will be challenged at school, will he behave like this towards one of his charges?

London22 · 25/12/2024 07:19

He picked you up and threw you, not once, not twice, but three times. One of those times could have been your last time. Please remember this when it's time to press the charges and make him face consequences- whatever they may be.

The dynamics of abusive relationships is akin to brain damage- it literally damages parts of our logical reasoning. You feel you have to "save him" and be the "'reasonable one who holds the family together" or "'not mess up Christmas for their kids" and "he's their dad."

Let the police handle him and you focus upon protecting your children from him. You can't have back in your home, not even a few months from now, when things are calmer and he's "'changed." Do not damage your children's sense of safety and stability and emotional well-being for a violent adult, who just happens to be their dad. He didn't care about his children, when he was assaulting their mother. Remember this.

I speak from past experience, please, please don't allow this hell to become you and your kids new normal. It doesn't get better. It only gets worse. He is just starting. Sending you many hugs 🤗 xx

LeilaLandi · 25/12/2024 08:11

Such a hard day for you yesterday and totally understandable you felt so anxious whilst trying to be ok for the children. There's been progress which is good so you aren't waiting to know. You must be hurting physically from what he did to you too.

His behaviour is not defendable in any way, shape or form. I'm sure he won't be worrying about your feelings or the impact on your children, that might be helpful to remember when you're worrying about him.

I can't imagine he has not done this to past partners or his present partner? He needs to be held to account and stopped from inflicting more harm.

Sending strength your way. Keep your focus on the children and what they need to be happy and healthy now and in the future.

dizzydizzydizzy · 25/12/2024 14:19

How are you today, OP? I know exactly what you mean about the guilt being entwined with the psychological abuse.

Original poster
Bigredtrain · 26/12/2024 01:47

I'm in a bad place to be honest. The police bail conditions were that he couldn't attend any address I was likely to be at and that all contact re childcare was though his mam. The issue is his mam will have believed everything he has said about me.

He has been talking to the kids today when they were on the PlayStation, when I realised I panicked and unplugged it, my child was crying for his Daddy. I called the emergency Safeguarding out of hours number and a Social Worker called me back to confirm that despite what the police have said he is not allowed any contact right now, not at least until they reopen properly on the 27th.

They advised a family member to call him to inform his of this so he knows it isn't me restricting access. He ranted and raved down the phone at my brother to say all of his family believe him and that he had spent 3 hours in a cell plotting my demise.

He owns my car, despite the fact that I pay for the maintenance and insurance and owns half of my house even though I pay the full mortgage.

I feel like I'm in a living hell.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 26/12/2024 02:32

So sorry you are going through this. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. I think it's brilliant that you have involved the police and are getting a NMO. He sounds unhinged.
Hang in there and keep reaching out for support Flowers

Zippidydoodah · 26/12/2024 02:36

EskSmith · 24/12/2024 02:45

A man who can get that angry and have so little control should not be teaching children so I hope he does lose his job
You did exactly the right thing, he has to live with the consequences of his own actions.

All this said it is perfectly normal for you to feel shaky after everything you have been through. Do you have someone who can support you?

Absolutely this. So true.

Take care.

Summerhillsquare · 26/12/2024 06:17

Your brother should report the "plotting your demise" to the police - it's a threat, and therefore a crime.

Draw on all the support you can while you get through this.