Ex H trying to force me to sign this document?

[Dandelion925]

Hi all,

in need of some advice please/those happy to share experiences.

ExH and I have a 10 year old. We split up in 2021. There was a domestic incident & he was removed by police from my home. I didn’t press charges in the end so no legal matters in that respect. He was put into temp council accomodation. We have amicably made custody arrangements re our child up until November last year when he then demanded we sign a legal document stating our arrangements, so that he can secure larger accommodation to get extra space for our child when they stay over. I was happy to do this but he kept adding all sorts of stuff that was completely irrelevant to what he specifically needs (our info, DC info and arrangements). This document has gone back and forth between us since last year for this reason as I am not signing something I don’t agree with.

DC doesn’t enjoy going there, he always has his friends around so never spends any time with her really, has never taken her anywhere other than the local park when they walk the dogs. He doesn’t buy her anything not even clothes. I sent a bunch of clothes there that she was just about to grow out of about a year ago, she is still wearing them while there.

Anyway, he recently caught wind that we may be moving house soon out of the borough and he basically put on there that I need to get his permission to move and used our child as an excuse to try to gain such control. He was always like this and still trying to take control over my life. (I am now remarried & pregnant). I obviously didn’t accept this, he just kept rewording the bit about relocation and it has taken months for him to finally remove this from the document as he has realised he has no control over it.

he is being extremely pushy, gives me deadlines and is very rude about this, basically trying to force me to sign it. This has all given me anxiety attacks on numerous occasions.

on the top of the document , he has recently added “IN THE FAMILY COURT [name of court, address of court].

no solicitor has been involved in this process, from either his side or mine. Is he even allowed to write something like the above? His plan is to take the signed copy to the court and get them to make it legally binding.

thank you for taking the time to read. I would like to get legal advice about this but I feel time is no longer on my side (due to give birth soon) and he is getting increasingly arsy about not having it signed despite it actually being his fault it hasn’t been.

x

Personally I wouldn't sign anything but doubt it would be worth the paper it's written on anyway. The Family court will not just make this 'official'. Also in my experience housing providers are very unlikely to provide accommodation with extra bedrooms to facilitate children staying - their housing needs are deemed to be met with the resident parent. Not saying I agree with this - clearly it can have a huge impact on children's care arrangements and relationships. Maybe different in areas where there is less pressure on social housing?

@Dandelion925

I think that perhaps a big problem here is your mindset. I totally understand how hard it is when someone has abused or controlled you in the past, but you need to keep reminding yourself that he has no power to make you do anything. He's using his old tactics to control you, but those tactics only work if you let them. I think you're giving him power he no longer has. If you refuse to sign his bogus document, just what do you think he'll be able to do about it? Take you to court for an access order? That probably wouldn't be a bad thing.

He wants you to sign some document? The answer is 'no'. Not to play a game of changing this or removing that. Just 'no'.

Him; "Sign this."
You; "No."
Him: "I SAID SIGN THIS!"
YOU: "I SAID NO!"

If he 'needs' something for the council, tell him that the council will need to contact you directly and tell you exactly what they want from you. Rinse and repeat.

And remember, you can hang the phone up on him. You can block his number (at least when DC isn't with him). You can refuse him entry into your home.

You are in control. Know your power. And enjoy using it!

This is absolutely a better idea definitely

So tell him very clearly you won't sign this document and he needs to stop contacting you at all except where he needs to communicate with you only about your child.

Tell him you find his actions harassment and you need him to stop with immediate effect.

Then ring the police when he continues.

Stop engaging with him! You are allowing this to continue.
Just message about arrangements for your daughter - ignore the document / texts and tell him to apply for mediation or family court.

@Dandelion925 where abouts are you? I don't know of any council who will allocate an extra bedroom to a non resident parent for the child to stay over once or twice a week.

If he wants a legal document, he needs to get a solicitor to draw one up. No court will make his document legally binding. It's laughable!

Just tell him you aren’t signing anything. At all.

If he keeps harassing you, report him to the police.

You could try mediation? It’s not normally recommended with a history of DA but if the both of you have actually already managed to agree on the bones on this parenting agreement (Days and times) and the problem is just that he keeps adding and removing random shit, then it might help to sit in a room with someone impartial, who might be able to get the real message through to him of ´Why don’t you accept this document with the basic split that you both agree on and then you’ll be able to apply for housing ASAP?’ .
He’d go in with his batshit version of the parenting agreement and you’d go in with the stripped down version.
After mediation I think they can help you get the parenting agreement ratified by the court.

Carguide24 are you deliberately trying to be such a wanker. Stop with the stupid questions and have some compassion.

Ime you have to be in receipt of benefits ie child benefit to show the council you need a bedroom for your dc. He is pulling a fast one. Don't get involved in his fraudulent claims... He may be trying to use your signed letter to do exactly this.

Block him. Set up a separate email address for arranging pick-ups/drop offs of DC. Check the email once or twice a week just before the scheduled transition times in case of any changes. Turn off notifications and let him bombard your email while you remain blissfully unaware of it all.

Do not sign anything. If he wants something legally binding he can apply to take you to court. You can tell him this and let him know you won't be discussing it any further with him. I doubt he'll bother taking you to court and if he does it'll probably backfire on him. So just let him do whatever bullshit he feels he needs to and put up the appropriate boundaries to stop him affecting your daily life so much.

I agree with @ActualChips. Block his number and going forward, use an app or a separate email address to communicate with him.

Don’t sign anything he’s written himself, if he wants a proper legal document, he can get one drawn up.

If he was removed from your house by the police, he’s clearly not a nice person. Don’t trust him.

If you haven't been served with paperwork from the court then the chances are he's just put the family court subheadings to make you think the court is formally involved.

There is something known as a consent order which allows two parties to litigation to agree to the terms they wish to settle a dispute, draw it up in a document and sign it and put it before the court to approve. However, usually there needs to be existing litigation for this to happen. If you haven't been served with any papers then it's unlikely that this document could be seen as a consent order.

In any event a consent order is exactly as the name suggests- something done by consent. No signature = no consent. I'd simply not sign the document and let him decide what to do next.

He sounds like a bully. If he does make this formal and issues proceedings think seriously about lawyering up. Any threatening behaviour etc then there's always the option of an injunction

Ignore, and learn the grey rock method. This is your future when dealing with him. He will never change.

Thank you all for such helpful information and generally such supportive messages. This evening I am going to go through all of the post again and make notes as there have been some incredibly helpful points made that I think will help me along the way.

he has been texting me everyday about this and it’s driving me mad. All I want is to enjoy the couple of weeks I have left of this pregnancy and then having a newborn. All I can think about now is how he is going to be pestering me while I have a newborn , he won’t care. I’ve muted him for now but this won’t stop.

It'll stop when he realizes it's not working. I think past history has taught him that if he nags you enough you'll give in and do what he wants. He needs to be taught that his usual strategy will no longer work. How? By stopping what you've been doing and doing something else.

Say no. Say "I've thought about it and I'm not signing anything. Take me to court if you want to. And if you don't stop harassing me about signing your bogus letter, I will report you to the police". Then do it.

I'm not saying there won't be a period of upheaval whilst he 'learns his lesson'. But you have upheaval now, every time he wants something. If you change your behaviour towards him that upheaval will end.

I get you wanting to enjoy your pregnancy and those precious newborn days. But he is harassing you now to sign the form and you say he won't stop. If you put your foot down now and get the police involved maybe there's a chance you'll get to enjoy those days.

The thing is, if you give in now (please don't) you buy yourself a bit of peace, for now. Because you know he'll find something else to harass you about. If you take a stand now and back it up with 'official' (police) action, you have a great chance of him stopping forever. Or at least, his efforts will decrease and stop sooner.

Is the document a proposal for a parenting plan / child arrangements? If so then yes he can draft it and if you agree and sign it can be converted to a court order by the court.

Get another phone and put the one he texts you on in a drawer. Have someone else check it once a week.

@SwallowsAmazons OPs posts show it's just gibberish drivel that the abuser is using to toy with OP. It's irrelevant.