Ex H trying to force me to sign this document?

[Dandelion925]

Hi all,

in need of some advice please/those happy to share experiences.

ExH and I have a 10 year old. We split up in 2021. There was a domestic incident & he was removed by police from my home. I didn’t press charges in the end so no legal matters in that respect. He was put into temp council accomodation. We have amicably made custody arrangements re our child up until November last year when he then demanded we sign a legal document stating our arrangements, so that he can secure larger accommodation to get extra space for our child when they stay over. I was happy to do this but he kept adding all sorts of stuff that was completely irrelevant to what he specifically needs (our info, DC info and arrangements). This document has gone back and forth between us since last year for this reason as I am not signing something I don’t agree with.

DC doesn’t enjoy going there, he always has his friends around so never spends any time with her really, has never taken her anywhere other than the local park when they walk the dogs. He doesn’t buy her anything not even clothes. I sent a bunch of clothes there that she was just about to grow out of about a year ago, she is still wearing them while there.

Anyway, he recently caught wind that we may be moving house soon out of the borough and he basically put on there that I need to get his permission to move and used our child as an excuse to try to gain such control. He was always like this and still trying to take control over my life. (I am now remarried & pregnant). I obviously didn’t accept this, he just kept rewording the bit about relocation and it has taken months for him to finally remove this from the document as he has realised he has no control over it.

he is being extremely pushy, gives me deadlines and is very rude about this, basically trying to force me to sign it. This has all given me anxiety attacks on numerous occasions.

on the top of the document , he has recently added “IN THE FAMILY COURT [name of court, address of court].

no solicitor has been involved in this process, from either his side or mine. Is he even allowed to write something like the above? His plan is to take the signed copy to the court and get them to make it legally binding.

thank you for taking the time to read. I would like to get legal advice about this but I feel time is no longer on my side (due to give birth soon) and he is getting increasingly arsy about not having it signed despite it actually being his fault it hasn’t been.

x

so don’t sign it

he sounds very heavily involved in a day to day basis with his daughter though

Exactly this.

I suffered for years at the hands of his control and manipulation and it still gives me anxiety. It is hard to ignore him because he pesters me so much and I just want to shut him up

So stop. It really is that easy. Parenting app, block him, and report all further harassment.

What has given you this impression?

op

he picks up and drops his daughter at school every day? and you moving over an hour away is not going to impact him?

does your daughter have her own bedroom at his????

So what is the split then?

He is continuing his abuse of you by attempting to coerce you under duress into signing this ridiculous piece of paper against your will. In fact, it would be illegal of him to do so.

No official body will be convinced by this document anyway.

If he keeps on harassing you, put the cops onto him, he deserves it.

@carguide24 it doesn't say 'every day', and says the girl has no bedroom at the man's house.

wait so when his daughter stays with him…. where on earth does she sleep?

and your disgusted is going to be doing an hours commute to school

and you are going to be doing that with a new born?

For goodness sake. OP has already answered this.

Read the posts rather than just incessantly asking questions. It’s not helping anybody

I understand his desperate to get a second bedroom then with a 10 year old daughter

He can get a job and acquire a better house, then. Who cares.

Write your own letter with only things you are happy with make 2 copies of the letter sign both and have him sign both. Tell him this is the only letter you will be signing so please don't send anymore as they won't even be looked at. You need 2 letters and he needs to sign both do that he can't forge your signature or alter your original document.

Just make absolutely clear that you consider this the end of the matter. If he doesn't want to sign fine but then you won't be signing anything and we will have to go to court. Let him know if that happens you will be bringing signed copies of your letter with you.

Take away the power he's holding over you by taking control of the situation whilst still being fair.

my questions were

what is the split
does he pay maintenance
and how did he get wind that you were moving over an hour away? you say you communicate very clearly with him, so presumably you discussed this major change for you daughter with him?

🙌🏼

Well if you sign the paper and he takes it away he could easily add more stuff so don’t sign it.
Just don’t engage on a made up document.

Unless the OP has legal training, this is not a good idea. Things need to be properly worded, or they are open to misinterpretation.

None of that has anything to do with his harassment, and trying to force her to sign this document he's drawn up, which is what the thread is about. It doesn't matter what the current split is, or whether he pays maintenance, or how he found out about the move. They are irrelevant. He is constantly bombarding the OP with his unreasonable demands, and that is unacceptable.

Exactly this. Block him. Don't sign anything as the document isn't a binding legal contract. Calm down and look forward to your new baby.

You need to report him again for harassment and block his number and keep to emails for contact and DONT SIGN ANYTHING, also I didn’t think councils gave an extra room if the other parent doesn’t have the child most of the time. Don’t help him with nothing

Your questions are getting a bit overwhelming if I’m honest. Nowhere on this post did I say that he sees her everyday.

This method only works because you let it. Just refuse to entertain any requests. You don’t have to so don’t. Here in the US there is something called Our Family Wizard which is an online scheduling system used by a lot of high conflict families. Look into modeling your interactions on something like that.

Basically you can do it yourself by refusing to respond to anything that is not a formal email request (so no texts) and that is not germane to the plan already in place.Just always refer back to the core plan.

So if he needs to change pick up or drop off that gets responded to. If he wants some kind of document signed that just gets ignored after a first refusal.

I understand that he sort of trapped you by making the case that this “document” was going to help him secure better housing for dd. But that was not your responsibility and he has created a “mission creep” that is really just another form of coercive control. Whether you sign this version or not will not stop the assault and manipulation. He will just move on to another way of abusing you through the contact situation.

If you didn’t do this reading when you broke up with him do some research now and read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that”— he is a very specific kind of controlling abuser and knowing that his goal is simply to harass you by proxy (using the threat of court or borrowing the name of court) is going to be helpful in boring and avoiding him. Minimize contact. Make contact unrewarding.

He gets an angry thrill from the conflict with you. So make it dull and grey rock him.

Him by text “you need to do X”
You: please put your request in a short email
Him by email : long rant, pages of documents”
You “I will not be considering matters not related to the schedule.”

Lather, rinse, repeat. Leave more and more time between responses.

Think of that great internet meme

I ain’t reading all that
Sorry that happened to you
Or Im happy for you tho’

It sounds like he's trying to get you to sign a consent order with the intention of making an application to the family court to have it sealed. Putting the name of the court and the title of the proceedings on the heading of the document would be the correct thing to do. It doesn't mean he's trying to forge anything.

It may be that he needs a sealed court order as evidence of the child arrangements. I'd start by asking him to clarify that point...

If so, then both of you need independent legal advice on any draft order you agree. If you can't agree the terms of the order, he'll have to make an application without consent and let the court decide,

Can you remain at a primary school when you move over an hour away?

An hour of travelling daily is an awful lot to appease an abuser.

@carguide24

Chill out! Everything you’re asking over multiple posts has either been already answered or is irrelevant to the thread.

Are you the EXH??