Wrongfully being accused by brother and wife

[ForJoyousDog]

I don't know what to do! My brother has POA for finances for my mother, which he has actioned and now deals with her banking. He and his wife are doing an audit of mum's spending since dad died in 2019. Mum became a recluse after his death, the mobility car had to be returned. I live 750 miles from mum, my brother 12 miles but to help mum I did her grocery shopping online using her debit card. This turned into birthday cards, gifts, hobby materials etc but everything with her authority to use her account and card. My brother and his wife have said that now my brother "has unrestricted access to mum's account and are working closely with the bank as there are suspicious payments that have come out of her account". I have done nothing wrong, certainly not used my mothers bank account as my own but the accusation has been going on since January, the messages I get are hateful, they are relishing trying to destroy me, my husband won't support me because he told me this would happen and he is angry as to how this makes him look. My mother has told my brother that I had authority to do any shopping etc using her card, but it is still going on. I'm not eating, sleeping and my relationship is suffering. What can I do to make this stop does anyone have any ideas please?

Were the gifts, hobby materials etc for her or for you? Sent to her address or yours?

The gifts were for family, friends etc, for her grandchildren and great grandchildren, me and husband to our address, everything else to friends addresses, other family addresses.

If your brother had POA then you should not have been doing her online shopping and had access to her card. Why was he not doing that? Was he aware at the time - and if not how did he think she was getting food?

We're going through similar (we're your brother and SIL though, and the relative in question died recently so DH is trying to tie up the estate so a bit different) and unless it's different in your part of the UK your brother is correct - you should have been keeping records of all the spend and showing permission from your mum to use her account in this way for the purchases.

Your relationship with your brother and his wife is toast but it’s very unlikely anything formal will come of this just the stress of having to deal with their unpleasantness.

We had a similar situation in my family a few years ago where an abusive sibling and his wife used the debit card of a terminally ill relative (in this case without her knowledge or consent). It came to light before the relative died and was reported to the police but the police took no action, nor did the executors of the will. The amount in question in that case was between £5k and £10k for context and there was no question at all that the use was fraudulent or who had done it.

Have you got the records or bank statements? I am not sure what your brother can actually 'do' ... is the bank contacting you or just your brother being spiteful?

What a nightmare. All you can do is log what you spent and why and don't use the card again.

Does your dm have capacity?
If so she can revoke her poa if she thinks your db is overstepping.

I feel for you but your db is just a bully.
Don't try to defend yourself just ignore your db.
Presumably all the transactions link to peoples birthdays. And food shops.
If you used amazon you can find all of the orders in your history.

He can report her to the police and to the bank. You can't simply use someone else's finances without having POA in place. When you get that POA you then need to detail each and every purchase and shouldn't funnel anything through your own account, eg pay for something from your own account and then move money from the other person's account into your own.

Is your mother still compos mentis? if so, reconstruct an itemised and dated list of all expenditures and ask her to sign off for them.

NB: How do your expenditures compare with hers prior you taking over? Is there a record of the latter?

Ensure all future expenditures are authorized by her individually. Or, preferably, ask your brother to deal with this in future.

Don't let it make you ill. Just make sure you get full records, just as you would if you were putting company accounts together, of all details of spend. If its watertight then there is no come back on you. Just don't do it again op, I kind of agree with your dh that you were courting trouble.

Sounds like your husband is right to be pissed.
I would go to your mother and tell her she needs to sort him out. Does she have capacity to remove him as POA

And block him. On everything. Send one message saying he is not to ever contact you again. And block him

You've faffed about and fucked up enough so stop being a fool and act.

Whose idea where the gifts? Did your mother contact you each time and ask you to order X for each person, every time and ask you to order stuff for yourself?
Or, where the gifts your idea? Did you go and ask her for stuff?

Did you brother have POA during the time you were doing this? If so, why did you do it? Because your mother was no longer capable of being in charge of her own finances.

Has your brother specified what the suspicious payments are?
Is it the gifts or something else?

I'm not accusing you of anything, but could there some gifts that were just too expensive and not within your mum's price range?
Your mum may gave agreed to the gifts, but did she agree to the price?

The relationship with your brother is somewhat ruined as there is too much suspicion now.

My only idea is to stop texting and actually talk to each other, either face to face or over the phone.
Tone, words etc can be misinterpreted by text/messages, so the only way to get to the bottom of this is to speak to him.

You will need to be honest, and if there is a slight possibility, even if it is 1 or 2 transactions that maybe you shouldn't have done, then offer to repay it.

For a while both sets of Grandparents had me do this, I'd get sent money and have to buy presents for them. I did not like it but it was what they wanted.

My question would be were the bank aware you had a card?
My late father lived with us. I had an additional card. To use someone else's card loses all rights to fraud cover etc.

My sister accused me of stealing from my Dad. I hadn't and proved it to her and my other siblings. We don't speak. It was a vicious, spiteful thing to say to me after 3 years of full personal care. I used all my life savings to stay home and look after him.
Where there is money there's a relative.

Do not use that card again, cut it up.

We used to do the same, my mother couldn't be bothered to deal with shopping and birthdays so my sister and I used her card online, when requested. Eventually we decided we need POA as we were then dealing with every aspect of her life.

God I hate this phrase.

I don't see why if mother has capacity she can't say to anyone please do my shopping regardless of POA. Equally the POA can query what is going on whether mum has capacity or not , so it makes sense for that person to be aware that is the mums wishes.

My mother has told my brother that I had authority to do any shopping etc using her card,

Providing that your mother knew about every transaction, you've done nothing wrong. But what you should have done is keep your own record of every transaction, and the reason for it, and informed your brother each time.

Even though we each had POA for my mum, my brother and I were totally transparent with each other. We informed each other every single time we accessed her account, and with the details. It's the only way to protect yourself in this situation.