Autistic meltdown in public - charged with a crime

[Tirednorthern78]

Good evening

I'm after some advice. My child is newly diagnosed with autism spectrum condition and recently had a meltdown in public. In this melt down they have kicked me and bit me, and I've pushed them away twice (first time in response to the bite and second time to attempt to contain them from bolting.

I've now been charged with a crime, maltreatment of a child, got to go to court and make a plea despite a social worker assessment confirming where a warm and loving family. So concerned, and frankly worried as if this happens again in the public what do I do? Let them bolt? Let them physically hurt me?

I can't believe this is happening frankly. There was no marks on my child to indicate I've used force. I was attempting to protect them from bolting and my other 2 children who were with me at the time - one of whom is only 6 years old

The football coach will have been under an obligation to report any possible abuse etc. the safeguarding training that volunteers working with children do is very clear that you should report,

So he may not like you, but if he saw a video showing you pushing your child he was under an obvious obligation to report.

It would normally be to SS rather than the police.

Also, on the description of "aggressive" - many people (not just autistic people) will interpret any level of unwanted bodily contact as aggressive. Someone describing a push as aggressive is a very normal description to use.

I appreciate that you do not feel it was aggressive, and your child has also expressed that view, but the above is a very very common understanding.

Yeah I get that. As I've said I've had zero issue with this coming to social services, as I can appreciate how it could look like to others. We actively worked with social services to be signposted appropriately to get him, and us (and my other children additional support and respite)

Hindsight is wonderful. There's a million things that could have happened differently that morning, and believe me I've beat myself up over and over again. I'm just at a loss how it can be considered wilful neglect when I was looking out for all 3 of them at that moment.

All I wanted was him to be safe and not worked up. As a mother I feel like the worst failure ever.

And for this to happen in view of someone who I can't help but feel has an agenda makes it even worse.

Op. I think we all understand the situation now. But honestly the point remains it must look bad on video for the cps to decide to prosecute. It’s not about the coach or him thinking it is aggressive, it’s about the fact not just the police, but the cps think it looks agressive or violent enough to press charges, they have a high bar for that.

3 mins is quite a long time , and only two pushes. What else is seen in the video, are the pushes hard?

I understand fully the mitigating circumstances, the reasons, how great you are as a family and how much support, and that two pushes only. But I also can’t get away from the fact the cps have viewed it and deem it sufficient enough to prosecute. And your solicitors advise and reaction indicates they also think the optics on that video are problematic, as he is telling uou he thinks there is a strong chance you will be found guilty here.

You can then see me bending down talking to him. We must have spoke for ten minutes or so. Some shouting but typically doesn't show the end where he's calmed down sobbing and holding on for dear life to me.

Solicitor said whilst the push doesn't look brilliant, it also doesn't show wilful neglect. It's the coaches statement that's more damning. He's going to write to cps with the social worker report and schools report and see if they'll change their mind.

He's nearly as big as me and is classed as overweight. I don't deny it there was force but it was reasonable and didn't leave one mark

Also just to add. The solicitor told me to do a prepared statement as I was a mess at the time. They said they wanted to re interview me but my mum ended up with bowel cancer. Found out just after this incident. Asked the police to give me some time to process this and they never came back to me

I am so sorry op, going through this nightmare. I hope that it gets quickly resolved. Please don’t plead guilty as someone said earlier. Why should you get a police record when you are defending yourself against your ds who happens to have SEN. I am thinking of you and sending you lots of positive thoughts and as l said earlier hope this gets sorted asap. Please look after yourself.

You are a great mum and it’s really hard looking after children with SEN. As they say ‘ Walk a mile in my shoes’. I hear you op.

💐💐💐💐💐

So sorry to hear about your mum op. 💐💐💐💐

Ok so the cps are prosecuting as the coach said it looked aggressive?

@Freakinfraser possibly. It was the police decision maker as I understood it

There will be much more to this

No way would they prosecute on the basis of someone saying it “looked aggressive”

is their father on the scene?

@loverofbestbuy nope that's it. Coach statement and short video. Interviewed my son at his school next day, he said he wasn't worried, that it was a one off and never happened before and he wasn't hurt.

Dad's on the scene. Married for 15 years, live together and juggle all three children. Dad's annoyed this is happening to us. He very hands on.

i’ll bow out

On the bright side, if the Coach has to give evidence, your barrister can cross examine him on whether he believes autism is a genuine thing.

Thanks for the comments if nothing else. We're all in shock to be honest, especially as social services said to us it was going nowhere

yes all these professionals apparently aghast this this has been progressed

very unprofessional of them to be saying to you at the time that it would go now where etc

Op my son is autistic and we've had to deal with aggression and violence. There is little help available for this and it is more difficult as they grow. This could very easily have happened to me.

It's difficult not to feel hopeless and alone - i hope you don't mind me letting you know what I have found really helpful when things were at their worst?

Newbold Hope Family Support group - Facebook- lots of families living with child to parent violence. Great resources to read and her videos are so gentle.❤️

Google free course: to "7 Steps to Regulated & Resilient Parenting" by Illuminate U.
Helped the trauma i had relating to being 'attacked' to reduce and helped me panic less each time it was happening. Ive slowly got more control over myself.
You really have to suspend disbelief 🙂 cos it appears a bit new age but it is worth putting aside just ten minutes a day.

We have started a course on TCI - which helps with deescalation and eventually safe restraint.

We've also had to act a little defensively - so reducing demands on him - and I have now got to the point where if I think things will get difficult I don't take him out on my own. It's important to reduce the number of times you are going through this as much as possible.

Keep going you are doing your best and better than most could manage x

That's what the social worker said after they spoke to my child. Perhaps unprofessional but it was reassuring at the time. I'm not sure what point your trying to make, appreciate this make appear farfetched but I can assure you I'm living this nightmare currently. My children haven't been removed and social services have closed us down without progressing to CIN or CP. given that social services threshold is lower to keep someone known that the police it does feel like a witch hunt - I'm not saying it is, but this is what it feels like

I think you've got your answer here as to why the football coach is pursuing this. He has a vendetta against your son /family, and has grabbed hold of this incident and run with it. It seems he's twisted it to suit his own narrative. What a despicable person.

I've never dealt with someone having a meltdown, and have no idea what I'd do in the same circumstances as you found yourself in, but it's terrifying to think that families who deal with this sort of this day in and day out, may face criminal proceedings for what is a fairly routine episode in their day, especially where the person having the meltdown doesn't have any long lasting effects from it. Going to court etc would / will be far more traumatic! Equally, if you'd just let him run around causing havoc during the meltdown, people would have criticised for that. It's a no win situation.

I really hope common sense prevails at the end of the day.

It will only go to Probation for a pre-sentence report if there is a conviction.

This is a bit extreme , a vendetta?

op. Look. The whole thing is extreme, from what you’re posting the police and cps have acted foolishly and broken all their rules, and your solicitor is also very poor as they think it’s a fair chance you will be found guilty.

it does seem this is very improbable, based on one man’s word that it looked aggressive and a video where you push twice as you’re being attacked.

I don’t think any of us can advise you to be honest.

Perhaps. I'll never know to be honest. I don't suppose anyone could advise me but I was lost on Saturday night. Can't say I'm still not lost. I've always tried to be the best mum I can be. I feel like the biggest failure as it is, I feel like I've let him down, and I'm petrified how he's going to manage not just high school, but life going forward. I'm at rock bottom with no end in sight

Oh OP my heart goes out to you. In a few years time this will just be a horrible memory. The judge will be so sympathetic to you when s/he hears the facts of the case.

I think you've got your answer here as to why the football coach is pursuing this. He has a vendetta against your son /family, and has grabbed hold of this incident and run with it. It seems he's twisted it to suit his own narrative. What a despicable person.

The coach is the safeguarding lead. Having witnessed this and being sent the video by another witness, he had absolutely no choice but to report it. Even if a school or club DSL wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to a parent, their designated role means that they cannot. They HAVE to report it.
Whether he needed to report it to the police as well as social services, I don't know as I wasn't there. But he cannot be criticised for reporting a disturbing interaction that another parent filmed and reported. He simply did not have a choice.

I feel sick for poor @Tirednorthern78 , but recent safeguarding guidance is unfortunately going to lead to innocent interactions being reported. Normally those don't amount to anything. What went wrong here isn't the coach reporting it, it's the police going in heavy handed.

I probably wouldn't go as far as calling this a vendetta by the football coach, but I wouldn't be particularly shocked if it were to turn out that the football coach knew someone on the police side of this. It sounds like his word has been given a greater weighting. And whilst, it is entirely correct to raise any safeguarding concerns, this should be done in a neutral way to allow investigation.

Cynical old feminist me wonders if a man has spoken. So it's ok to ignore the silly social workers and the dippy school staff.

I sincerely hope that the experienced voices are heard in the end.