Autistic meltdown in public - charged with a crime

[Tirednorthern78]

Good evening

I'm after some advice. My child is newly diagnosed with autism spectrum condition and recently had a meltdown in public. In this melt down they have kicked me and bit me, and I've pushed them away twice (first time in response to the bite and second time to attempt to contain them from bolting.

I've now been charged with a crime, maltreatment of a child, got to go to court and make a plea despite a social worker assessment confirming where a warm and loving family. So concerned, and frankly worried as if this happens again in the public what do I do? Let them bolt? Let them physically hurt me?

I can't believe this is happening frankly. There was no marks on my child to indicate I've used force. I was attempting to protect them from bolting and my other 2 children who were with me at the time - one of whom is only 6 years old

In complex care settings staff usually get deescalation training regularly, which includes how to calm situations, block attacks and restrain safely in an emergency, when it’s critical to utilise such stratagies, who to report to, debriefing and reevaluating. Proportionate responses listed in care plans and risk assessment and a missing child plan. All agreed with professionals. I’ve no idea if this training exists for parents too? It’s so much harder for parents who have 24/7 responsibility. Of course you responded immediately and naturally. And like a loving parent you’re now reflecting on the situation and can take the time to research and learn best stratagies. Least restrictive, least amount of time, proportionate.

Why on earth did the football coach stand there filming if he knew about your son’s diagnosis? If he had time to do that, why didn’t he step in and help?

To be fair, the football coach may not have been the person reporting. If another parent filmed and made the coach aware, they’d have a safeguarding duty to report so it could be investigated. The coach may well have fully expected OP to be cleared quickly.

And stepping into help… Sociology and years of studies and experiments show most people won’t intervene, and in this situation, it’d be very hard to see how you could help by doing so. You’d hope that if anyone there actually thought the 11 year old was being abused they’d have stepped in somehow, but otherwise that feels a big and complicated ask.

This is horrific OP- I'm so sad for you. Could your MP help at all? Or contacting the press? I can't believe you're being put through this

Really sorry this has happened to you and your family it must be so stressful.

There may be positive outcomes from this - It's clear that you love your children and weren't wishing them any harm. It's also clear that you don't have the capacity to keep all your children safe out in public alone. You probably need more training in safe restraint and containment techniques. I don't know this (IANAL) but I would hope the court can order that you must have additional support and help so that you can keep all your children safe.

What a shame for you OP. I can’t believe you’re being taken to court over that. Surely once you explain your side of the story, the case will be closed and the person that brought it against you will realise. Good luck I’m sure it will be fine

Bloody hell. How unhelpful of the football coach. Would have thought they'd help you instead of filming!

You said you had taken courses - have you taken one in how to safely restrain your Dc if you need to?

Sounds like you did the best you could at the time. You need support, not to be charged.

I'm glad social services are helpful. Can they suggest anything else to help?

Social services closed us down as they could find no harm. Ponted us to talking therapy but waiting list is over 40 weeks :(

Has anyone given you any guidance on Moving and Handling OP? I have an autistic 14yr old and our Social Services have repeatedly told us they are not allowed to teach us these techniques, and they are no longer training parents, which leaves me/us open to this.

Obviously, I don't know what happened here, but it can be easy to misinterpret a meltdown. I had a stranger shout at me when my dd was having a massive meltdown. She was screaming blue murder, she had dropped something. It looked like I was hurting her because she was screaming, but actually she was hurting me.

Therapy for you or for your ds? Would he engage?

How are you supposed to know how best to restrain your dc?!

@quirkychick

No, never been trained in this. It was just a reaction I'd had at that moment. I mirrored his body image and I freely admit I raised my voice but was trying to get some sensory input (the fence) and to get them to focus on me.

It's hard. We've always suspected autism but only confirmed 8 months ago. Been fighting a loosing battle as school wasn't very helpful in the first instance and it's taken us over 18 months to get the formal diagnosis due to NHS waiting lists.

Some of the local support by groups are rubbish, so I've felt so isolated and lonely. I've been on every website possible to get help and support. Last night I was at my worst and genuinely felt suicidal.

I adore all 3 of my children, and something like this has never happened before. Police are claiming I hit him, but I didn't! The video doesn't show me hitting them, and the person who reporting said my child said i hit them, which the video doesn't show - and they've been clear they don't want to make a complaint. Equally when his brother or sister brushes past him accidentally he's claimed that they hit them when clearly they haven't. It's all such a mess.

Police don't seem to be interested in the slightest. Which our senco said too. I'm an easy target apparently

Plus just to add, my child weighs approximately 8 stone and is 5 foot - so deemed overweight on that national measurement programme. I'm fearful in the future should they erupt I'm a sitting duck

Work on gentle restraint, you can move them whilst "cuddling" from the side or behind which isn't perceived as aggressive and is likely to trigger less of an escalation than pushing. Talk calmly throughout explaining what you are doing to try and lower his fight or flight response.
If you can keep in that position with your arms around him then rocking may help, but it may be better to just get him to safety that way and then give him space/make a suggestion for him to push into or kick the fence to help himself regulate the anger towards an object rather than you.

Regarding the court case, be apologetic, explain you've reflected on it and what you would do differently but also explain your extreme levels of stress. May be worth seeking some help for yourself too and as well as it hopefully helping you can then show that you've done that.

@Tirednorthern78 how awful! We've been trying to get training/advice for several years with no success - due to escalating meltdowns. I'm pretty sure the woman who shouted at me thought I'd hit dd. I had shouted to try to stop her - sometimes it snapped her out of it - as she was bending my fingers back and I thought she'd break them. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, I hope they drop the hitting accusation. Is there are professional who can vouch for your ds' perception of hit, I wonder.

This saddens and appalls me so much.

Things just seem to have gotten worse over the past 30 years when they should be sooo much better.🤬

As the mother of a now adult severely autistic DD, I can certainly identify with your actions and feelings of worry, OP.

These people have no idea how difficult and terrifying it is dealing with a young person suffering a huge meltdown. I know you said your DS is 8 st but our DD was always incredibly slight. However, I kid you not, from a very early age she could have moved a car with one hand. She has always been unbelievably strong - still is - and she certainly uses it to her advantage. I would just love to see these dogooders cope for just a day with what you are dealing with 24/7. 🤬
What makes it even worse is this current turn of events will now shatter your confidence, OP, and will make you even more vulnerable to your DS.😥 Or, correction, not your DS per se but your DS's condition.

I am pretty certain this will eventually be quashed, OP. We suffered a couple of similar incidents - not police but Social Services - and they dissipated to nothing. They are just following safeguarding procedures and ensuring they have ticked the relevant boxes I feel sure. However, I know you must feel like the whole world is against you at the moment. Well it isn't!! We, the battling Mnetters are definitely with you.👍

Please try not to let this get you down. You are doing a phenomenal job fighting a demon condition for which there is very little help or understanding. 💐💐💐

I'm absolutely appalled by this, I'm so sorry 😞 as the mother of a 30 year old autistic learning disabled young man who is much bigger than me, I've dealt with many difficult situations like this. It's unbelievably hard and there's very little or no help from professionals. I can only send solidarity and hope that CPS can be persuaded to drop this unwarranted prosecution.

It sounds like you need to be offered help with your child OP. What is slamming you in the dock going to do?
Is your child aware of what their actions have done and what this might mean for you and your family in a worst case scenario?

Him seeing these things as hitting is probably sensory related. My DD used to scream I was pulling her hair no matter how gently I brushed, it's how it feels to them. DS once told his therapist I hit him. I tried to get him to explain when it happened or what he meant by it as I wanted to avoid anything that felt that bad to him but he couldn't explain. The only thing I could come up with myself was running into him when we were playing soccer because he stopped suddenly. Like its not hard enough without this shit. Some of this stuff is getting dangerously PC where I live. People having to get an approved behaviour plan before using a harness to keep a disabled kid in a pram because its a restraint 🙄. I hope this gets thrown out OP.

I can't comment on the legal situation.

But moving forward, the current good practice in schools is that is you are going to restrain a child then someone who is qualified in positive handling (descalation and restraint) is needed.

The course can be done online.

alison.com/course/positive-handling-and-behavioural-training-in-schools

However doing this kind of thing online is very different to doing it in real life.

The standard procedure these days in schools for a child having a meltdown (ie any violent situation) is

1 try to descalate. This might be verbally and it would involve not getting in the child's personal space at all.

2 if de-escalation has not worked, remove the class from the classroom and leave the child in there with one adult. (Minimises harm). I have done this on multiple occasions.

3 never get between the child and the exit. If the child wants to run let them. In schools these days they are usually secure - so the child cannot exit the premises and there is limited harm they can do to themselves. Again, usually an adult will (try!) to follow the child from a distance.

4 the restraints specifically taught in positive handling can be used if all else fails. I have been in education twenty years mostly working with teens with send and I've never seen it done. I've seen 1,2 and 3 on a daily basis. (Well, not all but you get the idea).

The reason schools are so reluctant to use restraint is that it tends to escalate the situation and an autistic teen in full on meltdown mode can hurt a lot of people very quickly, and also because of the risk of legal action.

My personal advice would be that you need to choose one of two paths.

Either react as passively as you can to a meltdown - walk away to a safe distance, be clearly and obviously verbally calming him down, no physical force at all

Or

Learn from an in person course how to defend yourself using blocks and other techniques. There are self defence classes and martial arts classes that will teach you this. It will also help you control the panic at being in a physical situation.

The in person course will also give the same advice though -walk/run away unless you can't, de-escalate if possible.

You may be reaching the point where you physically cannot stop him bolting if he has a meltdown.

I am so sorry this is happening to you @Tirednorthern78 It sounds a nightmare. I hope it’s all cleared up quickly.

How did pushing him stop him bolting?

I got him to the fence, the push against the wall got some sensory input and I was able to talk to him at his level, repeating myself to attempt to cam him down. He couldn't run then as I was right in front of him, and my two other children where at one side

There is a special place in hell for those who reported and filmed you. How awful. I hope the court sees sense. Works has gone mad

Op what were you charged with? Sorry if I missed it. Is it assault?

im struggling with how it was a push away that’s been filmed but you’ve been charged, as surely it would have been visible what was happening?

Wilful neglect :(

Sorry ignore me, you e been charge with maltreatment of a child .