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Original poster

DM is homeless and penniless

578 replies

Pottlee · 31/12/2023 13:29

I don’t know where to post this really, so apologies if it’s the wrong place.

My mum has been carer for her mum for maybe 5 years. Grandmother has now sadly passed away. Inheritance wise she has left a small amount behind, which is split between her two 60 ish year old ‘children’ (my mum and my uncle) - around £5-10k each. Mum and her brother have a fractured relationship but showed themselves to get on for the sake of their mum. Not sure it’s going to be as hunkydory now their mother has passed.

Now to the main point - my mum has nothing, like nothing to her name. She has no home (lived with her mum as carer), no money (other than the small inheritance) and no income at all. She has never worked so had made no contributions. She also had never claimed any benefits. The home she lived in with her mother will be sold and that money will go to an equity release company and to pay off a load of other debts.
What on earth happens to her now?
My uncle says she’s my responsibility now, but I would hate for that to be the case in that I don’t have room for her to live at my house, and harsh as it sounds I don’t want to become responsible for her for the rest of her life - hats off to everyone who can do it, but the idea of me having to care for her the way that she cared for her mum is just a no I’m afraid. We are close in a way but don’t get on in another. I couldn’t live with her. It would make my life unbearable and no doubt spell the end of my marriage because my DH couldn’t tolerate her daily either. My 2 DC love her but daily it would be disastrous. She is very lazy, judgemental, negative and nasty. And as I said would be able to make very little/no financial contribution.

So 1. Is she really regarded my responsibility now? 2. What should she do with regards of somewhere to live (she has no money for that) and income for the rest of her life? Is she not entitled to anything as she’s made no contributions or claimed anything at any point?

I’m aware I may come across as heartless because I don’t want to take her on so to speak, but I do want to help her set herself up somehow if she can. I’m just not in a position to be able to offer a place to live or financially.

please if anyone can advise who she can speak to or what she can do. Thank you.

OP posts:
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LakieLady · 31/12/2023 15:20

MILTOBE · 31/12/2023 15:09

Well, she's not going to get a job now, not when she's got a bad attitude and absolutely no work experience. Looking after her mum isn't the same as working as a carer - there was nobody to check on standards and she didn't have to be anywhere at a particular time.

Obviously she can't live with you. Presumably there will be a month or two while the house is being sold, and she has a few thousand pounds which she can spend on a deposit and the first month's rent, while she's waiting for universal credit. Whatever you do, don't be a guarantor for her.

From what I hear from friends who work in that sector, they are so desperately short of carers that they'd jump at the chance of employing someone who's experienced in caring for an elderly person, even if they did it on a voluntary basis.

And I don't think it's quite fair to say she has a bad attitude, when she's been a f/t carer for several years, even on an unpaid basis. I certainly couldn't have done that for my DM. I haven't got the patience for it, or the stomach for it, tbh.

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 15:20

Alohapotato · 31/12/2023 15:13

If she was my mum I would housed her in my home, there is always room for family.
Your mum was a good daughter looking after her mum, why can you don't do the same? your mum can live with you and find a job in aldi,boots etc. I always see old people working there.

Was it necessary to post that shit?

The OP has been very clear that it would not work for her mother to live with her family, and why should she have to disrupt her whole household for a woman who would create difficulties?

She has singularly failed to take responsibility for herself for her whole life, and she is still a relatively young woman, who needs to take care of herself.

Maybe you would take her in then, seeing as you're so fond...???!

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2023 15:20

Then TBH, I can sort of see why your uncle is absolving himself of helping her now. She has spent "their" inheritance already hasn't she?

Quite. Sounds like she was supported by her parents, then OP's dad, then the foreign partner, then her own mum, now... She's a leech and uncle is trying to make very sure she attaches to OP not him. If not OP or uncle it will be the government. I can't see her working now.

FuckingHellAdele · 31/12/2023 15:20

Alohapotato · 31/12/2023 15:13

If she was my mum I would housed her in my home, there is always room for family.
Your mum was a good daughter looking after her mum, why can you don't do the same? your mum can live with you and find a job in aldi,boots etc. I always see old people working there.

Have you just typed that to make yourself feel good?

Because it's right there, in the opening post, why the OP can't 'do the same'. Did you not manage to understand those bits?

OldRanter · 31/12/2023 15:20

but most jobs now demand references

RainyDaysSundays · 31/12/2023 15:21

ApolloandDaphne · 31/12/2023 15:19

It won't be easy for her to get a job if she has no work experience. Caring may be the only option open to her.

Cafes and pubs are crying out for staff.

She would pick up the ropes like anyone has to when they start.

OldRanter · 31/12/2023 15:22

I cannot even get a voluntary job as they want 2 references, never mind a paying job, I would be stuffed if wasn't for DH

Lilithlogic · 31/12/2023 15:22

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 15:20

Was it necessary to post that shit?

The OP has been very clear that it would not work for her mother to live with her family, and why should she have to disrupt her whole household for a woman who would create difficulties?

She has singularly failed to take responsibility for herself for her whole life, and she is still a relatively young woman, who needs to take care of herself.

Maybe you would take her in then, seeing as you're so fond...???!

Show quote history

You only have the OPs word on that

Silvers11 · 31/12/2023 15:22

Alohapotato · 31/12/2023 15:13

If she was my mum I would housed her in my home, there is always room for family.
Your mum was a good daughter looking after her mum, why can you don't do the same? your mum can live with you and find a job in aldi,boots etc. I always see old people working there.

Good for You @Alohapotato. You are not the OP and your Mum is not the OP's Mum. The OP has already described the issues which would happen if she took her Mother to live with them permanently. So you think she should throw away the rest of her own life, including her Marriage to care for her Mother who has been very foolish to not plan for her own future?

DirectionToPerfection · 31/12/2023 15:23

Lilithlogic · 31/12/2023 15:19

Maybe she had a husband that made her be a sahm, it happens now not just years ago. To just call her lazy to women and men who stay at home with their families. Plus the caring could have been going on for longer than recognised. The way the OP describes her as passing around having a baby shows her resentment to the point I doubt she is telling the whole story.

Show quote history

You're just projecting.

OP has said her mother can be nasty and her DH is absolutely against having her live with them, which suggests she's no saint.

OP knows her better than you do.

Anonymouseposter · 31/12/2023 15:23

Housing her in your home is not in either of your interests. She needs to stay in your grandmother's house for now but go to the council and give them all the facts as she is at risk of homelessness. Given that she is over 55 she will probably be offered reasonable accomodation (she would where I live). She also needs to go to CAB for advice on benefits and she will be expected to make some effort to look for a job until she reaches state pension age, at which point she will be able to claim any pension she is entitled to and have it topped up with pension credit. Any savings over £16,000 will be taken into account when calculating benefits. I suspect your uncle is unhappy with the equity release etc and wants her out of the house asap. Don't allow him to hurry her, he may have to go through legal channels. None of this is your responsibility but, as someone else said while it would be foolish to take her into your home and accept responsibility it's possible for you to offer some advice and emotional support. Just keep a low profile with anyone at the council.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 31/12/2023 15:24

Pottlee · 31/12/2023 13:39

She is more than capable of working but is basically too lazy to plus has no qualifications or experience so doubt she would have much luck finding anything

She has experience of caring so could look for care work.

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 15:24

Lilithlogic · 31/12/2023 15:22

You only have the OPs word on that

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Well that is all we are going to have, seeing as it's unlikely that her mum will post here too ffs! Catch a grip!

Thatswhy11 · 31/12/2023 15:24

@Lilithlogic oh come on. We have to go off what OP has stated. MOST people wouldn't want their mother living with them regardless if they got on or not. OP said she doesn't want to be left to have to be a carer for her mum in her old age, this isn't unreasonable.

OP has her own family, job and her own life too. You have no idea what OP has on her plate. OP obviously is panicking and asking for advice 🙄 to help her mum..... so she can't be that bad of a daughter. OPs no more responsible than her uncle. Perhaps OPs husband is abusive too you don't know? Like you said its common!

RotundCheese · 31/12/2023 15:25

Hi OP,

We are in a similar situation with DMIL. We did manage to find her a role as a carer (no prior experience) and she now works (albeit inconsistently). It will get much better once your mum reaches pensionable age - even if she is not eligible for full state pension, she should still be eligible for pension credits. That plus housing benefit should hopefully be enough that she stop working/reduce her hours as much as possible. It won't be a great retirement, but it is what it is. 🤷

Lilithlogic · 31/12/2023 15:25

DirectionToPerfection · 31/12/2023 15:23

You're just projecting.

OP has said her mother can be nasty and her DH is absolutely against having her live with them, which suggests she's no saint.

OP knows her better than you do.

Show quote history

OP doesn't sound to sweet either with the language she is using to describe her mother. Btw how am I projecting, maybe that's you.

Bracksonsboss · 31/12/2023 15:26

Pottlee · 31/12/2023 13:36

Yes I think citizens advice is a good idea, thank you. I don’t know, but my uncle claims as I’m her next of kin and could house her if I absolutely had to (DC could share a bedroom to make space for her) that “the government” as he says would expect me to take her in to stop her being homeless because as far as they are concerned she doesn’t exist as she’s not on the electoral role or anything.

Your uncle is a dick. You have no legal responsibility to her at all.

MzHz · 31/12/2023 15:27

Pottlee · 31/12/2023 13:36

Yes I think citizens advice is a good idea, thank you. I don’t know, but my uncle claims as I’m her next of kin and could house her if I absolutely had to (DC could share a bedroom to make space for her) that “the government” as he says would expect me to take her in to stop her being homeless because as far as they are concerned she doesn’t exist as she’s not on the electoral role or anything.

Your uncle is full of shit.

he’s just as much next of kin as you are and dare say he has more capacity to help

but the upshot is that no, nobody has any obligation or responsibility to house anyone they don’t want to.

electoral roll is easily fixed, CAB can help with everything else, job centre too.

Lovemusic82 · 31/12/2023 15:27

She does have work experience……as a carer? She’s been looking after her mother for years so she can work in care looking after the elderly/disabled? There are jobs that don’t require experience and there are always jobs in care.

Until she finds work she will need to apply for benefits but if she’s under retirement age she will have to prove she’s actively looking for work.

She is not your responsibility, she’s an adult and is capable of sorting out somewhere to live (through the council) and applying for benefits to cover her rent.

fiorentina · 31/12/2023 15:27

Her best bet is getting a new role as a carer. If she can demonstrate that she’s experience caring for her mother she may get a live in role with a small income? Although you describe her as lazy so she’d need to pull her finger out and do proper care.
Definitely in the meantime she needs to register for council accommodation and speak to Citizens advice to ensure she starts to be indenendemt asap.

DirectionToPerfection · 31/12/2023 15:27

Lilithlogic · 31/12/2023 15:25

OP doesn't sound to sweet either with the language she is using to describe her mother. Btw how am I projecting, maybe that's you.

Show quote history

What exactly am I projecting?

I'm just responding to what's actually been said.

MadeOfAllWork · 31/12/2023 15:28

Ignore your uncle. It’s got bugger all to do with him. He can take her in if she’s that worried.

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 15:28

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Lilithlogic · 31/12/2023 15:28

Thatswhy11 · 31/12/2023 15:24

@Lilithlogic oh come on. We have to go off what OP has stated. MOST people wouldn't want their mother living with them regardless if they got on or not. OP said she doesn't want to be left to have to be a carer for her mum in her old age, this isn't unreasonable.

OP has her own family, job and her own life too. You have no idea what OP has on her plate. OP obviously is panicking and asking for advice 🙄 to help her mum..... so she can't be that bad of a daughter. OPs no more responsible than her uncle. Perhaps OPs husband is abusive too you don't know? Like you said its common!

Well she can walk away, nobody should have a problem. Just find it peculiar she hasn't spoken about her father and how he treated her mother and why she hasn't called out the uncle for throwing his sister to the wayside now he doesn't need someone to care for his mother.

KnickerlessParsons · 31/12/2023 15:29

If she's only 60ish she could get a job for starters. 60ish isn't old.

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